intravenous confessional

[childisgone]

Comments

A very intense piece

[undertoe]

Much of the imagery in here is unsettling, to say the least. It is, as usual, very well written and composed. The idea of senses was employed effectively and subtly, with original images abound. The line "She would ask for communion but her tongue/grew thick with isolation years before she started seeking/salvation; words escape her." struck me as especially powerful and well done. Obviously, some of the imagery plays a more explicit role than others, but I tend to prefer the more subtle images. This is not to say that I don't believe the truer ones aren't important and don't serve their purpose

Re: A very intense piece

[childisgone]

I was confused when you mentioned the "darkness consumes" line and then I realized that it's more a line break issue. It reads "darkness consumes/all earthly things" which is meant to be the whole idea, not simply "darkness consumes." This is my fault for putting the line-break there though, and I am going to replace it with a different couple set of lines anyway, but yeah, wanted to clarify.

I was thinking about splitting this poem into two separate poems... if I do it well do you think it's a viable option? It feels to me that the first part follows a certain tonal path that the second part doesn't... It feels like you picked up on that too... Maybe split it somewhere after the "She consents..." stanza...?

Just wanted to get your opinion on that before I do it.

Thanks so much for your feedback!

[elvenlohr]

wow i have not use livejournal in years!