33. public nightmare/video.

[childrenoflilim]

[everything is deep orange.  faint light streams from overhead--wherever overheard is--piercing some of the darkness, but not much.  and although nothing lives in this mass of orange, there is a single whispered voice.

please stay with me

then another.

i try my hardest, but no one loves me as much as i love them

one more.

i will always be alone

then the

Comments

video.

[xxxing]

... Shinji? What happened?

video.

[childrenoflilim]

[deep breaths to stay calm and keep his uneasy stomach from betraying him] A nightmare.

[xxxing]

... Ah.

You got any special way you normally deal with 'em, kid? Talking, company, going back to sleep - shit like that, I mean.

[childrenoflilim]

Nobody here should do any of those things with me and I'm not sure I can go back to sleep yet.

[video]

[material_guy]

S'a little less embarrassing than waking up with a sticky stain on yer sheets and a different kinda yell, I guess...

[childrenoflilim]

[he doesn't react to the innuendo in any other way than a noncommittal hum. for once, he can't get ~morally offended~ at greed's jokes.]

[video]

[material_guy]

[stare]

[video]

[childrenoflilim]

...ah. Sorry for not paying too much attention, Greed.

[video]

[killerbaseball]

[Sigh.]

... Shinji.

[childrenoflilim]

Hello, Mr. de Killer.

[killerbaseball]

Have you been well?

[A terribly unnatural and stilted conversation, he knows.]

[childrenoflilim]

[seeing as how they are awkward turtles, it's unsurprising.]

Nothing's happened so...I suppose I've been alright. And you?

[stillneedawish]

Shinji-san?

[video for life]

[childrenoflilim]

Kaname-san...please, don't worry.

[also video because that is how madoka rolls]

[stillneedawish]

[ a small chuckle, although she still looks concerned ] You can tell me not to worry, Shinji-san, but I already am.

Was... [ hesitates ] Was it a really bad nightmare?

Re: [also video because that is how madoka rolls]

[childrenoflilim]

Oh. I'm sorry.

It could have been a lot worse. [like watching people turn into LCL or going through Instrumentality all over again....] ...wasn't good either.

[actionspam; yes, i did; is this the angstmobile?]

[childrenoflilim]

[the silhouette, although taller and older, is unmistakable. relaxed and open just like his personality. forgiving. trusting. a frame that he crushed with such force that his entire body from the neck down was mangled beyond recognition.

shinji curls into himself.

(you are afraid of making the first contact, aren't you? you are afraid that the person will push you away. spoken lifetimes ago by another kaworu and just as relevant.)

from behind unkempt bangs, he watches for one step further.]

[actionspam; let us be on our way then, mr. nagisa.]

[childrenoflilim]

[they had been this close before, and in the steam of the baths, he had felt kaworu's warmth and affection. his love. not tinged with pain then.

but staring at the mug of tea, he comes to understand that all love is tinged with pain. how much it hurt depended on the type of relationship and people involved. his mother and father...theirs had brought them together, let them grow. a good pain. only there was too little time for its work to finish; what began as an ache for each other transformed into a poison that ate gendo ikari from the inside and infected all that came into contact with him. he and kaworu had not been so different except for one detail: his poison became anti-venom for a world filled with pains of the loveless.

shinji brushes the hair out of his eyes and sneaks a glance at his silent companion although the act squeezes at his heart.]

...is that for me?