ahem
So here's the story with the cake.
I call my brother up on Thursday morning, asking what he's planned on doing for our mom today, as it's her birthday. It's her 60th birthday, in fact, but she didn't want a party or anything, and we were sad. So my brother decided that we needed to do something for the woman that didn't abort us, and this something was a giant penis on her birthday cake.
He also decided that *I* should be the one to call in the order.
So after 15 minutes of building myself up to call this HIGHLY PRESTIGEOUS BAKERY THAT HAS WON NUMEROUS CAKE DECORATING AWARDS (and updating this thing), I called.
I get this nice girl, tell her we want white cake with buttercream frosting and raspberry jam with lemon custard as filling. I know. It's delicious sounding (oh god was it ever good). And when the girl asked, "Are there any decorations you would like on the cake?" I launched into this, verbatim, "...well...umm...so it's for my mom's birthday, and she's turning sixty, and she's kinda perverted, so I was wondering if you could put a penis on it if that's possible." It should be mentioned that I nearly mumbled/coughed "penis." Without a giggle or skipping the beat, she asks, "Is there any writing you want on it?" I immediately thought, "man, this girl is stoic." And then I told her that it had to read, "Happy Birthday Mom." And then she took down my name and some credit card info (yeah, standard proceedure), and told me that it'd be ready by 10 AM tomorrow. I relay this info to my brother. He's amused beyond belief, and I still cannot believe how calm that girl was on the phone.
So fast forward to this morning. My brother's evil and makes his girlfriend Kristen go pick it up, 'cause it's right by her work. So she walks in and says, "I'm here to pick up a cake for Suzanne Welsh" or something involving my name ('cause the cake's under my name), and the entire fucking bakery goes still. Like Western movie still. They bring out the cake, and guys are coming out from the back, giggling and laughing. There is now a crowd surrounding the cake, half of them holding in their giggles while the others openly laugh. Kristen openly tells the cashier to tell whoever decorated the cake that they did a fantastic job on the cake (they really, really did, and we'll get to that soon enough, you pervs). So Kristen pays and leaves, PENIS CAKE IN HAND.
So flash forward again. They're at the house, as my mom's opted for eating Baja Fresh on her birthday. She knows that we've gotten her a penis cake, that I called it in, and that Kristen got it. We've also heard that it exceeds expectations. At this point, I was expecting an outline or something crappy and hurried. Oh no, my friends. This bakery does nothing half way, apparently.
When they get to the house, I insist on seeing it immediately. And oh my God. It reduces me to giggles and overwhelming astonishment. We take it upstairs, the same goes from my mom and Gram. Kristen relays her story from inside the bakery, and we begin to take photos of the Most Awesome Penis Cake Ever Made:
Note the piercings (yeah, there are two). Note the cock ring. Note the manicured pubic hair. Note the veins. Note the distinct head. There's also a urethra there, if you can see it (it's the straw holding the 3.5" frosting penis erect). Please note that I did not ask for ANY of this, aside from the penis itself, which is pornstar tan, or even ethnic. Please note that I MUTTERED that I wanted a penis as decoration for the cake.
This means that someone took a lot of time with this, and really enjoyed making it. REALLY ENJOYED IT. It's like, the penis is like, "why hello! and happy birthday, mom!" HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM. And the text is so merry and feminine. A brilliant contrast with the phallus starin' at me. I still cannot believe that they put piercings and a cockring on it. If they were to pick one family in while this would fly, it's mine.
I called my sister after I saw it, trying to relay the "OH MY GOD"ness of the thing, but she didn't really get it. It wasn't until we sent pictures that she literally repeated, "Oh my...my God...oh my God..." like six times.
There are more pictures, in case you want to see them, but I'll save them for later or something. Just ask. There's also a quick movie I did, featuring The Penis Cake. IM me for it. But oh man. Please be laughing by now, because I am, and oh God was the cake ever delicious.
**********EDIT************
Ok. So here are some answers to some pretty common questions. I bought the cake at the Great Dane Baking Co., in Fountain Valley, CA. They have another bakery in Los Alamitos, CA as well. As for the fate of the frosting phallus? My mom got it. We were originally going to cut it off and freeze it (and potentially mount it on the wall in the living room), but my mom attacked it and proceeded to fellatiate it, much to the combined horror of me and my brother. Kristen laughed. As for the decorator him/herself, I don't know who it was, but Kristen did let the cashier know that whoever had decorated it had done a brilliant job. Yeah, I'm going to send a card to them, and will also send a link to this entry to let them know just how many people are in love with their craftsmenship. And if you aren't in the Orange County area and you want a penis cake, fear not! Just be specific when talking to your local baker, and if you want to take in the photo as an example of the detail you expect, I'm sure that they'd appreciate it or something. As for more photos, when I'm not lazy I'll post more. This could be tomorrow night. Maybe. And as for how much I paid for it, the cake cost $33. It was for 6-8 people, was about 6"-7" tall (not including Mr. Penis, who was about 4" tall-ish), and about 10" in diameter. And ummm...yes. You may now continue in your giggling and worship of The Greatest Penis Cake Ever.
EDIT #2 FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
So I made a video of the penis cake. It's basically just me, turning the plate, and singing theme music. Because everything needs a theme song. It's like 48 seconds long. Yes. Ummm...so here: http://www.supload.com/vid/penis cake film/696963508/mov/
Continue to spread the love. In it's 3-D fuckin' splendor.
EDIT #3
Bandwidth problems should be fixed. For good. I directly linked from image shack, thinking "Oh, there won't be over 100 megabytes uploaded per hour...that's a crapload of people..." And yet you prove me wrong, again. So I made it a little bit smaller (the original image was probably getting a little over 4000 hits per hour, by my calculations), so it should hold up. I think. Maybe. Bear with me. And keep sharin' it, 'cause I will never cease to be amused by all of this.
EDIT #4:
Oh ho ho. You people. It's what, a month since my last bandwidth problemos. And here we are again, lacking penis in our lives. But now the picture should be fixed (dude, lots of people must've seen this mofo per hour to screw up imageshack...), at least temporarily (like, long enough for me to go to work and then come home to try to fool imageshack into loving me again). As for the video...well...I dunno. Megaupload hates my mac, so I don't know where else I can upload it for long term. Any suggestions?
I call my brother up on Thursday morning, asking what he's planned on doing for our mom today, as it's her birthday. It's her 60th birthday, in fact, but she didn't want a party or anything, and we were sad. So my brother decided that we needed to do something for the woman that didn't abort us, and this something was a giant penis on her birthday cake.
He also decided that *I* should be the one to call in the order.
So after 15 minutes of building myself up to call this HIGHLY PRESTIGEOUS BAKERY THAT HAS WON NUMEROUS CAKE DECORATING AWARDS (and updating this thing), I called.
I get this nice girl, tell her we want white cake with buttercream frosting and raspberry jam with lemon custard as filling. I know. It's delicious sounding (oh god was it ever good). And when the girl asked, "Are there any decorations you would like on the cake?" I launched into this, verbatim, "...well...umm...so it's for my mom's birthday, and she's turning sixty, and she's kinda perverted, so I was wondering if you could put a penis on it if that's possible." It should be mentioned that I nearly mumbled/coughed "penis." Without a giggle or skipping the beat, she asks, "Is there any writing you want on it?" I immediately thought, "man, this girl is stoic." And then I told her that it had to read, "Happy Birthday Mom." And then she took down my name and some credit card info (yeah, standard proceedure), and told me that it'd be ready by 10 AM tomorrow. I relay this info to my brother. He's amused beyond belief, and I still cannot believe how calm that girl was on the phone.
So fast forward to this morning. My brother's evil and makes his girlfriend Kristen go pick it up, 'cause it's right by her work. So she walks in and says, "I'm here to pick up a cake for Suzanne Welsh" or something involving my name ('cause the cake's under my name), and the entire fucking bakery goes still. Like Western movie still. They bring out the cake, and guys are coming out from the back, giggling and laughing. There is now a crowd surrounding the cake, half of them holding in their giggles while the others openly laugh. Kristen openly tells the cashier to tell whoever decorated the cake that they did a fantastic job on the cake (they really, really did, and we'll get to that soon enough, you pervs). So Kristen pays and leaves, PENIS CAKE IN HAND.
So flash forward again. They're at the house, as my mom's opted for eating Baja Fresh on her birthday. She knows that we've gotten her a penis cake, that I called it in, and that Kristen got it. We've also heard that it exceeds expectations. At this point, I was expecting an outline or something crappy and hurried. Oh no, my friends. This bakery does nothing half way, apparently.
When they get to the house, I insist on seeing it immediately. And oh my God. It reduces me to giggles and overwhelming astonishment. We take it upstairs, the same goes from my mom and Gram. Kristen relays her story from inside the bakery, and we begin to take photos of the Most Awesome Penis Cake Ever Made:
Note the piercings (yeah, there are two). Note the cock ring. Note the manicured pubic hair. Note the veins. Note the distinct head. There's also a urethra there, if you can see it (it's the straw holding the 3.5" frosting penis erect). Please note that I did not ask for ANY of this, aside from the penis itself, which is pornstar tan, or even ethnic. Please note that I MUTTERED that I wanted a penis as decoration for the cake.
This means that someone took a lot of time with this, and really enjoyed making it. REALLY ENJOYED IT. It's like, the penis is like, "why hello! and happy birthday, mom!" HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM. And the text is so merry and feminine. A brilliant contrast with the phallus starin' at me. I still cannot believe that they put piercings and a cockring on it. If they were to pick one family in while this would fly, it's mine.
I called my sister after I saw it, trying to relay the "OH MY GOD"ness of the thing, but she didn't really get it. It wasn't until we sent pictures that she literally repeated, "Oh my...my God...oh my God..." like six times.
There are more pictures, in case you want to see them, but I'll save them for later or something. Just ask. There's also a quick movie I did, featuring The Penis Cake. IM me for it. But oh man. Please be laughing by now, because I am, and oh God was the cake ever delicious.
**********EDIT************
Ok. So here are some answers to some pretty common questions. I bought the cake at the Great Dane Baking Co., in Fountain Valley, CA. They have another bakery in Los Alamitos, CA as well. As for the fate of the frosting phallus? My mom got it. We were originally going to cut it off and freeze it (and potentially mount it on the wall in the living room), but my mom attacked it and proceeded to fellatiate it, much to the combined horror of me and my brother. Kristen laughed. As for the decorator him/herself, I don't know who it was, but Kristen did let the cashier know that whoever had decorated it had done a brilliant job. Yeah, I'm going to send a card to them, and will also send a link to this entry to let them know just how many people are in love with their craftsmenship. And if you aren't in the Orange County area and you want a penis cake, fear not! Just be specific when talking to your local baker, and if you want to take in the photo as an example of the detail you expect, I'm sure that they'd appreciate it or something. As for more photos, when I'm not lazy I'll post more. This could be tomorrow night. Maybe. And as for how much I paid for it, the cake cost $33. It was for 6-8 people, was about 6"-7" tall (not including Mr. Penis, who was about 4" tall-ish), and about 10" in diameter. And ummm...yes. You may now continue in your giggling and worship of The Greatest Penis Cake Ever.
EDIT #2 FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
So I made a video of the penis cake. It's basically just me, turning the plate, and singing theme music. Because everything needs a theme song. It's like 48 seconds long. Yes. Ummm...so here: http://www.supload.com/vid/penis cake film/696963508/mov/
Continue to spread the love. In it's 3-D fuckin' splendor.
EDIT #3
Bandwidth problems should be fixed. For good. I directly linked from image shack, thinking "Oh, there won't be over 100 megabytes uploaded per hour...that's a crapload of people..." And yet you prove me wrong, again. So I made it a little bit smaller (the original image was probably getting a little over 4000 hits per hour, by my calculations), so it should hold up. I think. Maybe. Bear with me. And keep sharin' it, 'cause I will never cease to be amused by all of this.
EDIT #4:
Oh ho ho. You people. It's what, a month since my last bandwidth problemos. And here we are again, lacking penis in our lives. But now the picture should be fixed (dude, lots of people must've seen this mofo per hour to screw up imageshack...), at least temporarily (like, long enough for me to go to work and then come home to try to fool imageshack into loving me again). As for the video...well...I dunno. Megaupload hates my mac, so I don't know where else I can upload it for long term. Any suggestions?