Oddly enough, this cultural silence on miscarriage has its links to gay marriage debates. Part of the complexity of the issue has to do with the status of women in our society as breeding machines. American society has this strong association between femininity and breeding, linking someone's status as a woman with their ability to reproduce, with infertility and miscarriage seen as shameful things, not to be discussed in public. This links strongly to gay marriage debates, with cultural institutions being linked with reproduction, somehow saying that the purpose of cultural institutions is physical reproduction. I for one, am sick of society telling me that my purpose is to breed and failure is somehow something to be ashamed of.
From that angle, it has links to a lot of things, really - breast cancer, the HPV vaccine, intersexness, the culture of silence surrounding hysterectomies, viagra, the 40 hour work week, and so on and so forth.
I suspect that for grieving mothers, the internalized shame is a key component of the pain.
Thank you for posting that. You took the words right out of my fingers. (Can i either copy and paste this, or could you de-friend so i could link to it?)
The women i know who have miscarried or had risky pregnancies have all said that it helped immensely to find out that miscarriage is so damned common - that it helped them to stop feeling like they'd done something wrong. One of my coworkers miscarried recently and it was astounding to me (and incredibly important to her) how many of our colleagues came up to her privately to tell her that they had miscarried, and they understood.
I've also heard that 1 in 2 pregnancies don't make it out of the first trimester, although many of those women never even realize they're pregnant. Regardless, it's much more common than anyone ever admits, especially in comparison to your statistics. (Diabetes is only 1 in 10? Some nights it feels like 3 of 4.)
opened up, though you may cut and paste as needed if that's easier.
The best studies are the ones that show the 25% figures, as far as I know. However, that percentage varies a lot with age: 20% miscarriage rate in the early 20s increasing to over 40% for women in their 40s.
(As for the diabetes: I know! Weird! But needless to say, the people that don't have it usually don't need as much medical care).
(And yeah, i know. Not to mention we also give insulin to non-diabetics whose sugars get out of whack secondary to trauma, or check sugars on people on TPN. Which probably jacks my mental perception up even higher. But still - dood.)
My mother actually had a miscarriage (5th month) before she was pregnant with me...she said that the worst part was that a lot of her friend's didn't know how to talk about it; that it was one of those moments that really changes your constellation of friends.
I also thought that a lot of miscarriages might happen before the person is entirely aware that she is pregnant...? (Really really early?)
indeed, most in the first 6 weeks, and lots of women don't know they're pregnant during that time. But lots of women do, especially those that're trying, which makes it particularly cruel for them.
I've noticed that the American attitude towards miscarriages and stillbirths is starkly different from the Russian/Jewish ones. Americans seem think that everything will turn out well, and are horrified when it doesn't. The attitude I grew up with and see to this day is to not count on anything until the baby is born (I suppose we're a pessimistic people, really). Women don't say they're pregnant until they start to show, there is no nursery decorating, no announcing of names, no baby showers, no purchases for the baby. A few years ago, a childhood friend of mine ordered a crib in her last month of pregnancy, but had it delivered to her parents' house, so that she and her husband wouldn't have it in their home before the birth. On the one hand, this seems like excessive paranoia, but on the other, wouldn't losing a pregnancy or a baby feel even more awful if there's an empty nursery waiting in the house, and if the idea of something going wrong had not been discussed?
I think that's been traditional in a lot of places, in various forms, but then again, so is the tradition of producing babies (and your absolute failure as a woman if you don't).
Hospice deaths are usually easier to deal with than sudden deaths, and so I suppose that being prepared for a miscarriage might be easier than a sudden one, but I'm not sure the two really equate......
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This links strongly to gay marriage debates, with cultural institutions being linked with reproduction, somehow saying that the purpose of cultural institutions is physical reproduction.
I for one, am sick of society telling me that my purpose is to breed and failure is somehow something to be ashamed of.
Reply
I suspect that for grieving mothers, the internalized shame is a key component of the pain.
Reply
The women i know who have miscarried or had risky pregnancies have all said that it helped immensely to find out that miscarriage is so damned common - that it helped them to stop feeling like they'd done something wrong. One of my coworkers miscarried recently and it was astounding to me (and incredibly important to her) how many of our colleagues came up to her privately to tell her that they had miscarried, and they understood.
I've also heard that 1 in 2 pregnancies don't make it out of the first trimester, although many of those women never even realize they're pregnant. Regardless, it's much more common than anyone ever admits, especially in comparison to your statistics. (Diabetes is only 1 in 10? Some nights it feels like 3 of 4.)
Reply
The best studies are the ones that show the 25% figures, as far as I know. However, that percentage varies a lot with age: 20% miscarriage rate in the early 20s increasing to over 40% for women in their 40s.
(As for the diabetes: I know! Weird! But needless to say, the people that don't have it usually don't need as much medical care).
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(And yeah, i know. Not to mention we also give insulin to non-diabetics whose sugars get out of whack secondary to trauma, or check sugars on people on TPN. Which probably jacks my mental perception up even higher. But still - dood.)
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I also thought that a lot of miscarriages might happen before the person is entirely aware that she is pregnant...? (Really really early?)
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Hospice deaths are usually easier to deal with than sudden deaths, and so I suppose that being prepared for a miscarriage might be easier than a sudden one, but I'm not sure the two really equate......
Reply
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