To Christopher Rice...
Where do I begin? There are so many things to say about you.
From the beginning of our relationship, I knew you were different. We seemed to have nothing in common but for some reason, I knew that there was a purpose that we were together. They say that opposites attract, and I genuinely believe that. You were nothing that I first made you out to be. You were sweet and caring and AMAZING. When we went on a phenomenal first date, you completely shocked me when I figured out that you had planned everything out. I never would have guessed. You enchanted me.
As time went on, I cherished every visit that we had together. I'll never forget taking the train to UCR and getting picked up and watching movies and eating noodles and sandwiches with you. Or hanging out with Aisha and Ben. Or, just going to your house and cuddling up and watching a movie together. Honestly, those were some of the best nights of my life.
And when you came to Texas, we had so much fun! I never thought that it would be so fun but it was! You got to see who I truly was and where I was from and I felt so special that you did that for me. I only hope that you can come again, and this time meet my friends!
There are hundreds more memories I have with you in them and each of them hold a special place in my heart that I will never forget. And while I have written this entry in the past tense, the feelings I have for you still hold true. Every smile you give me makes me weak. Every time you come to see me my heart races a mile a minute, excited to know that you'll be here. To me, you are everything.
And now that we're apart. I'm trying to cope, but I can't. I'm trying really hard, but I don't know what to do. I've kissed other guys, but only to take the pangs of loneliness away. To me, it means nothing. I try to make promises that I won't do it, but the fact that you're not there and that you say you don't care makes me feel that you want me to do it in an attempt to move on. But I'm not moving anywhere.
We've both hurt each other and made mistakes, but that's what life is all about, right? You can't dwell on it.
We started breaking up because you claimed that you weren't sure that I wanted to be with you. And while I know that I wanted to be with you, I do think that the idea of a break was good. It made me realize just how much I want to be with you. Maybe I didn't show that in the right way, but I know how to now.
I don't care what you've done or who with, and I honestly thought I would. All I know is that I love and accept you for who you are, and whatever has happened, has happened. Everyone I talk to thinks I'm an idiot and that I should just move on and forget about us. But I can't. And I know that must be love. What others say has no bearing on how I feel towards you.
So maybe when I joked that love didn't exist, I just never realized it's true meaning. Love is patience and forgiveness and devotion to one person, no matter what the cost.
So, if you're not ready to get back into a relationship, I understand. We're young and most people need to live life on the wild side right now.
But know that now, I am done with being with other guys. Maybe you need you're time to work things out, but I don't. Until you tell me that you don't care what I do, then I won't do anything with guys. I swear to you on my life. And even if you do, I still won't be interested. I know it won't compare to what we had.
So, just know that I love you and am so proud for everything you have accomplished. You are an amazing, wonderful, caring, thoughtful guy. I will cherish every memory we have had together and everything that you have written to me. I only hope that one day we will have the chance to start our relationship again. You mean the world to me, and I know that if you truly love me then you'll come back. There are so many more memories I wish to have with you.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...
From the beginning of our relationship, I knew you were different. We seemed to have nothing in common but for some reason, I knew that there was a purpose that we were together. They say that opposites attract, and I genuinely believe that. You were nothing that I first made you out to be. You were sweet and caring and AMAZING. When we went on a phenomenal first date, you completely shocked me when I figured out that you had planned everything out. I never would have guessed. You enchanted me.
As time went on, I cherished every visit that we had together. I'll never forget taking the train to UCR and getting picked up and watching movies and eating noodles and sandwiches with you. Or hanging out with Aisha and Ben. Or, just going to your house and cuddling up and watching a movie together. Honestly, those were some of the best nights of my life.
And when you came to Texas, we had so much fun! I never thought that it would be so fun but it was! You got to see who I truly was and where I was from and I felt so special that you did that for me. I only hope that you can come again, and this time meet my friends!
There are hundreds more memories I have with you in them and each of them hold a special place in my heart that I will never forget. And while I have written this entry in the past tense, the feelings I have for you still hold true. Every smile you give me makes me weak. Every time you come to see me my heart races a mile a minute, excited to know that you'll be here. To me, you are everything.
And now that we're apart. I'm trying to cope, but I can't. I'm trying really hard, but I don't know what to do. I've kissed other guys, but only to take the pangs of loneliness away. To me, it means nothing. I try to make promises that I won't do it, but the fact that you're not there and that you say you don't care makes me feel that you want me to do it in an attempt to move on. But I'm not moving anywhere.
We've both hurt each other and made mistakes, but that's what life is all about, right? You can't dwell on it.
We started breaking up because you claimed that you weren't sure that I wanted to be with you. And while I know that I wanted to be with you, I do think that the idea of a break was good. It made me realize just how much I want to be with you. Maybe I didn't show that in the right way, but I know how to now.
I don't care what you've done or who with, and I honestly thought I would. All I know is that I love and accept you for who you are, and whatever has happened, has happened. Everyone I talk to thinks I'm an idiot and that I should just move on and forget about us. But I can't. And I know that must be love. What others say has no bearing on how I feel towards you.
So maybe when I joked that love didn't exist, I just never realized it's true meaning. Love is patience and forgiveness and devotion to one person, no matter what the cost.
So, if you're not ready to get back into a relationship, I understand. We're young and most people need to live life on the wild side right now.
But know that now, I am done with being with other guys. Maybe you need you're time to work things out, but I don't. Until you tell me that you don't care what I do, then I won't do anything with guys. I swear to you on my life. And even if you do, I still won't be interested. I know it won't compare to what we had.
So, just know that I love you and am so proud for everything you have accomplished. You are an amazing, wonderful, caring, thoughtful guy. I will cherish every memory we have had together and everything that you have written to me. I only hope that one day we will have the chance to start our relationship again. You mean the world to me, and I know that if you truly love me then you'll come back. There are so many more memories I wish to have with you.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...