On crying

[chinbat]

Disclaimer: I'm not asking for pity here or trying to control what other people do, I am just exploring my thoughts

Comments

[supergasnojutsu]

i would say that i used to have a weird thing about crying too and i think we've talked about this before. where for me it was always this thing that made you weak. and also for me crying is such a personal thing because it's one of the most vulnerable and emotionally revealing things a person could do. because sadness or joy or anger are all things you can express through tears and tears can be such a strong way of expressing those emotions

[chinbat]

I think a lot of the shame of crying has to do with the perception that you're really revealing yourself somehow, as if this is the last thing that should come out of you after every barrier has been broken. There's a sense that you've somehow lost control when you start to cry. A lot of people on the nursing forum commented that it's fine to cry, as long as you are in a room by yourself, with the door closed. I mean, maybe they are only speaking in the context of keeping up the professional appearance of competence/confidence/assurance as an employee in a hospital setting but I can see that reasoning applied to other settings also. And even though I think the perception of how accepted crying should be should be changed I also don't think it's responsible to needlessly worry the client/whomever. Like an example in another book, you might have been discussing the outcome of a divorce with your spouse but if your marriage was otherwise stable and you didn't see divorce happening in the near future, then it's irresponsible to tell your

[supergasnojutsu]

but with the advent of long-range warfare it's easier to depersonalize.oh yeah. we read this article in my psychology of war and peace class where this woman (i think she was a journalist) went to stay with some physicists working on warheads and bombs. it was kind of disturbing because she talked about how she couldn't be respected by her basically 100% male colleagues unless she spoke in their specialized lingo but that lingo completely depersonalized everything, from the people being killed to the land being destroyed. And every time she tried to say, "ok so when you blow these people up" they'd look at her like she was this ignorant fool. and it was so weird how you could sterilize something like mass murder

[chinbat]

When I say that crying is seen to be really revealing, I mean moreso than laughing, snapping at someone, etc. The way I see crying is that it doesn't so much matter what you're showing outside as what you're feeling outside. Cos of course you can be feeling really traumatized but you won't necessarily be making it really visible ie crying. In a situation that could induce a person to cry, shout angrily and throw things, or freeze up, I don't think each physical reaction deserves a weaker/stronger judgement. They're all a reaction to stress, and obvs diff people operate differently. If you're crying as opposed to slamming doors, I don't think it can be inferred that BECAUSE you are crying you have LESS control over yourself. I'm saying there's this value judgement placed on crying in our culture that doesn't get placed on other emotional displays

[kazekijo]

I've never thought of crying as weak, unless you are doing it to gain pity. It's a display of emotion, which is a healthy thing. However, if you do it way to often over little things, it may be a sign that you need help (that's what dear abby said anyway).

[chinbat]

Even so, then it's not the crying itself that is weak, but the motivation to manipulate other people for pity, isn't it? I always thought it was a little odd that when Abby's daughter continued writing the column for her, it was still called Dear Abby. I mean I get the motivation but at the same time it kinda felt like her daughter was putting her mom's face on.