Comments | chinese_lily: Writings

chinese_lily

Writings

Jul 13, 2009 09:57

I'm so fickle... I'm always jumping back and forth between around 6 different novels-in-progress.

( The happy cadence of her voice curled around him.... )

Comments 10

iscah93 July 13 2009, 09:30:03 UTC

i like :-)

chinese_lily July 14 2009, 08:12:28 UTC

Thankee!

(The comment has been removed)

chinese_lily July 14 2009, 08:12:10 UTC

Thank you! I wanted to get the whole "best friends but with the possibility of more" down.

bree_bee22 July 13 2009, 15:31:32 UTC

Ah, this is great. I even felt a bit of the same zing about Jack as Tilly did, so I have to agree that you are very, very good at this.

It's well written, the pace is perfect, and the tone is light. I like it!

chinese_lily July 14 2009, 08:11:39 UTC

Ooh did you? Hooray! He is tres hawt, non?

bree_bee22 July 15 2009, 17:43:26 UTC

Mm, el es muy caliente!

I wish I could have answered in French, but the Spanish just came out, haha.

<blink> readingdragon July 14 2009, 02:09:20 UTC

more?

Re: <blink> chinese_lily July 14 2009, 08:14:07 UTC

Could make it a serial if you like? :D

aseas_words July 14 2009, 10:31:44 UTC

A serial would be fantastic. ;-)

I agree with the others; the chemistry is great.

The usual flow-type comments:

and, crouched as he was by a partially deconstructed computer tower, he hit his head on the underside of the computer desk.
This is awkward. Perhaps break it into two sentences. "The sharp electronic trill startled him, and he banged his head on the underside of the desk. Coughing, he slid away from the partially deconstructed computer tower..." (Although I would like to note that I have never seen a guy take a tower APART underneath a desk. Hook stuff up to it, yeah, but for taking it apart they always appropriate a table, or at least the middle of the floor.)

Tilly Quan, his oldest friend, the girl he’d kissed when they were just five years old, before either of them knew what kissing really meant. That memory resurfaced every time he thought of her.I adore this idea ( ... )

chinese_lily July 15 2009, 17:52:41 UTC

Awesome! Thanks, you always give really useful feedback.