[SJ] give up forever to keep you, R, Qmi
give up forever to keep you
Super Junior (M), Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi/OMC, R, 4195 words
Taiwan gives Zhou Mi a freedom he didn't have before. Taiwan changes the way Kyuhyun looks at him.
Contains: implications of homophobia, angst, happy ending
如果你也听说 会不会相信我
对流言会附和 还是你知道我还是我
Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are fighting. That's what everyone thinks, because they haven't really been alone in days, and they've been stilted and cold when they interact. It happens sometimes, between members, inevitable when you're forced to live and deal with other people on such a constant basis. It doesn't normally happen to Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, no, who are typically the epitome of radiant giggling schoolgirls together, but it's not so strange to think conflict would eventually find them.
Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are not fighting, though. Because Zhou Mi has no idea why Kyuhyun is suddenly avoiding him and refusing to meet his eyes and pulling away from his touches. He's confused and he's hurt; he puts on his best face for the cameras and tries, silently, through body language, to ask what's wrong, since Kyuhyun has already turned his head away to the voiced questions. Kyuhyun's smile is stiff when Zhou Mi leans an arm on him for the photo; he looks away when he's placed next to Zhou Mi in line order, and doesn't step closer to demand or await translations.
Zhou Mi feels unanchored.
He's unused to Kyuhyun being angry with him, unused to meeting blank, dark eyes instead of mischievous amusement. He's unused to being subtly nudged away as Kyuhyun closes himself off, setting Zhou Mi adrift. Supposedly they have so much freedom in Taiwan, which Zhou Mi has gladly taken advantage of; he didn't know he needed an anchor, a safe harbor to return to, until it was denied him.
He's distracted, unhappy, at a loss. He slips up on shows. He pleads tiredness, borrowing the excuse Kyuhyun is using for his own serious, unsmiling countenance. But Zhou Mi is tired, bone-deep weary and even more afraid.
What happened? How can he fix anything if he doesn't know what he did wrong?
He goes out, because it's better than watching Kyuhyun ignore him. He lets his friends take him eating and drinking, lets them coax laughter out of him, and raise his mood. Part of his head feels like it's floating, out-of-body, watching himself enjoy the company and the camaraderie, while a secret part of him is still weighed down in shadows and unanswered uncertainties.
"Drink," says Ken, taking him and Henry out after their radio show. "Bottoms up!"
Zhou Mi drinks and laughs and wishes he didn't feel like he was putting on another act, even without the cameras.
***
Even Henry notices. "You okay?" he asks, elbowing Zhou Mi as they climb into their taxi a little unsteadily. Maybe they should have drank less. Zhou Mi doesn't care. Henry is probably not as drunk. Zhou Mi really doesn't care. He leans his head against the cool glass of the window.
"I'm fine." The smile he feigns is half-hearted at best.
Henry's not the oblivious kid he used to be. He looks at Zhou Mi after he tells the driver their address, settling back against the seat. "Kyuhyun, huh?"
Zhou Mi sighs and looks out at the passing night scenery. Bright lights blur before his already hazy vision. "I don't know what I did," he finds himself saying softly. "It's been almost a week. He won't talk to me."
The hand that ends up in his hair is unexpected, a gentle, reassuring pat. "I'll talk to him, yeah? See if I can get anything out of him. It'll be fine, you guys are so close. I'm sure it'll all work out."
There's a lump in Zhou Mi's throat. Henry's really not the kid he used to be.
***
Henry returns two days later with a grim expression, so serious that Zhou Mi feels his heart sinking. Worse than expected, then. His imagination doesn't know which way to run, an avalanche of worst-case scenarios tumbling through his mind.
Zhou Mi watches Henry close the door to his room and sit on the edge of Zhou Mi's bed, gut twisting with anxiety.
"He...found out you're gay."
Zhou Mi doesn't know what to say.
"I mean, maybe he always suspected but..." Henry looks pained, uncomfortable, apologetic. "Yeah. He just realized, I guess. He's dealing with it."
His ears are ringing. Zhou Mi can't find the words, any words, his mind nothing but blank fog.
"I think it's probably because you've been going out, you know, at night. And he finally realized you weren't always just hanging out at KTV with your girlfriends. Ken might have said something accidentally too, or he saw something?" Henry's rueful a moment. "Not all of your hickeys were hidden, Zhou Mi." But his eyes go dark and concerned again as Zhou Mi continues to stare at him wordlessly.
He gets to his feet suddenly, crossing over to Zhou Mi's side and hugging him tightly. Zhou Mi barely registers the embrace or the accompanying words. "Don't worry too much, Zhou Mi. It'll be okay. He'll come around. I mean, he's pretty Christian, but he's not that conservative like Siwon and he's pretty liberal about equality. I think he just needs sometime; he's just shocked, you know. It's normal."
Zhou Mi barely hears him over the avalanche inside his head, picking up speed and burying him underneath. He thinks he wants to cry, but his chest feels empty, his throat aching, his eyes dry.
***
He doesn't bother looking at Kyuhyun the next day. In fact, he can barely meet his gaze at all. He still manages to smile and joke for the camera, manages to talk to Ryeowook and Henry with genuine affection, but he freezes up whenever Kyuhyun crosses his line of sight.
He goes out that night.
He meets up with one of the friends Ken introduced him to a few weeks ago. He's not as tall as Zhou Mi, but he's better built and stylish, charming, and interested. They fuck in a dimly lit hotel room, Zhou Mi spread out naked on the white sheets with his eyes squeezed shut as his hips arch off the bed. He comes all over someone else's hand, shaking, drowning. After, he turns his face into the pillow as he catches his breath, listening to the condom being stripped off and thrown away, listening to the clean-up in the bathroom. He continues to lie on the bed, unmoving but for the rise and fall of his chest, still naked and filthy and boneless.
When Zhou Mi gets back to the dorms that night, it's past two. He's freshly showered and damp, fragrant with some citrus soap or other. None of it disguises the fact that he's loose-limbed and well-fucked and, this time, the hickeys visible on his neck, the bruises around his wrists, are meant to be seen.
Kyuhyun's at the ad hoc gaming station that took over the living room table; they all eat in the other dorm, so it doesn't matter much. Zhou Mi stops by ostensibly to see if Hyukjae is still awake, because Zhou Mi just happened to pass by a chocolate ice shop and brought some back for him. Hyukjae's watching TV and accepts the gift gleefully; Kyuhyun's eyes track Zhou Mi as he passes by, lingering on his throat, on the open collar of his wrinkled shirt.
Zhou Mi can't look at him without feeling sick. He affects breeziness as he wishes Hyukjae a good night, but he can't force out his typical admonishment for Kyuhyun to stop gaming so late, it's bad for his skin. Kyuhyun doesn't say a word as he leaves.
***
He's been afraid for three years that they would find out. He remembers when his parents found out; how can he forget when they still barely speak to him now? He was terrified when he made this choice, to walk down this path and pursue this career. Korea's entertainment industry is not well known for its liberal acceptance.
Time lulled him into a sense of false security. Familiarity with the others, blossoming friendships and easy camaraderie made him hopeful. Zhou Mi honestly believes Ryeowook will love him regardless, knows that Henry doesn't think it's a big deal. He suspects Heechul suspects and doesn't care, but Han Geng looked at him differently after he knew. He never said a word and he did his duty as leader, but Zhou Mi will never stop wondering if he was one reason among others that Han Geng was happy to leave.
The others have no idea. Henry was never supposed to know, but Henry is perceptive, especially in Taiwan. Taiwan gave them both freedom they didn't expect and weren't accustomed to: it made them carefree and careless. But Henry's not like the rest of them; he grew up in Canada. Henry, like the others, loves Zhou Mi. Henry, unlike the others, won't stop just because Zhou Mi happens to like guys.
Zhou Mi never dared to think what Kyuhyun would do if he found out. He never dared to speculate if he would be like Henry, or Han Geng, or worse. He didn't want to speculate, because it was easier to put on blinders and take joy in Kyuhyun at his side, laughing with him and nestling close for translations, for help with his pronunciation on his latest solo, for inside jokes - any endless combination that had Kyuhyun's dancing eyes and lopsided little smirk trained on Zhou Mi. Anything that warmed Zhou Mi deep from within, a gentle, welcome ache.
He puts in his earphones and goes to sleep to the sound of Lin Fan in his ears, drowning out the sound of his own fears. Will Kyuhyun ever look at him like that again? Lin Fan sings gently, I think I can grow accustomed to living a solitary life. Zhou Mi shuts his eyes and tries to sleep.
***
"Maybe you should talk to him," Henry suggests.
Zhou Mi wouldn't know what to say or where to even begin. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm not sorry for who I am. I'm sorry you can't accept me like this. The pain in his chest is beginning to wear. Every smile he forces for the sake of appearances is beginning to chafe.
It's tiring to hurt like this, he thinks. It's tiring to love you, Kyuhyun.
Still, it's one thing he can't be sorry for.
***
"Kyuhyun," he says. "It's been two weeks. Can we just talk?"
He sits down across the table from Kyuhyun, looking at him over the edge of his laptop. The others are out tonight, Sungmin and Ryeowook at a night market, Hyukjae and Donghae on the radio. God knows where Siwon is.
Kyuhyun meets his eyes and Zhou Mi feels like it's the first time in weeks. "I'm surprised you're not out," Kyuhyun says. His voice is cool and unreadable, and it's like another arrow to Zhou Mi's already tender heart. He used to be able to read Kyuhyun effortlessly, understanding his quirks and his needs and his preferences. His gestures never needed interpretation, his voice never so opaque.
It seems impossible that things should change so much in a mere two weeks.
Zhou Mi holds his gaze as steadily as he can, all things considered. "I wanted to talk to you." He's grateful his own voice comes out even and quiet.
"Already fucked all the guys available?"
Zhou Mi flinches. He stares at Kyuhyun, disbelieving his own ears. Kyuhyun looks half-uncertain, almost as if regretting the words he just let out. But he doesn't take them back, doesn't apologize - he leaves them hanging there, cold and brittle in the space between them, waiting for Zhou Mi's response.
"Kyuhyun-"
He doesn't know where to go from there, when bile is rising in his throat. The tears he hasn't let fall over the past two weeks have finally risen, unbidden and hot, to his eyes.
"Kyuhyun, I'm still me." He tries, like a desperate last-minute fumble in the face of certain failure. "I'm still the person you know. I haven't changed, I just- So I like men. It's not something that can, that I would let, that would ever-" He doesn't know what he's trying to say.
"How many guys have you slept with while we've been in Taiwan?"
"I-" That's none of your business. Why does it matter? Zhou Mi swallows the words and stares silently at Kyuhyun instead, letting his eyes plead for him. Despite himself, he feels guilty. He hates it. He doesn't owe anyone his celibacy, doesn't account to anyone his own private, sexual affairs, as long as he's safe. And Zhou Mi is, he's careful and he's an adult and he can't bear the way Kyuhyun is looking at him.
Kyuhyun turns away, gaze dropping to his laptop. The tension strung between them is so tight it practically vibrates. Zhou Mi's spine feels the same.
"Zhou Mi."
His name, soft, like he hasn't heard in two weeks breaks the silence like an unexpected beatitude.
"Zhou Mi. I don't...understand." For a moment, there is only the sound of their breathing and the quiet whir of the laptop fan. Then: "Why?"
Zhou Mi wants to laugh, but he's afraid he would cry. Why does he like men? Why does he love Kyuhyun? Why did he choose such a difficult life path for himself? "Why do you fall in love with girls? Why do people fall in love at all? I don't know. But I only have this one life, Kyuhyun. How can I waste it? I just want to be happy, like everyone else."
He is, mostly. He's happy. He's doing what he loves. He's surrounded by people he loves. So he sacrifices having any real sort of romantic entanglement for the time being, but it seems like a small thing in face of being able to sing, to bring smiles to his fans' faces, to be around the other members day in and day out, knowing he has a place in their hearts. Knowing he has a place in Kyuhyun's heart, even if it's not everything he wants, it is more than enough.
He's grateful. He's happy.
He just wants Kyuhyun to stop looking at him like he doesn't know him, dark eyes beneath furrowed brows.
When Zhou Mi leaves, Kyuhyun no longer seems angry. He seems unsettled and unhappy, but not angry. His tempers have always spiked quickly and faded equally as quickly; Zhou Mi knows him so well, painfully so. Still, he can't find it in himself to rekindle that flame of hope, even if Kyuhyun seems to regret his earlier cruel outburst.
Little changes, he thinks tiredly. Small steps.
How long will it take to rebuild their relationship to where it was before? Zhou Mi feels tired just thinking about it.
***
Henry is underappreciated, Zhou Mi decides, as he finds himself enveloped in a whirlwind of distractions, from jokes to food to music ("I want to learn more about - what's her name? Lin Fan? Wang Pei Rong? Give me some of their music!"). Henry drags Ryeowook into it, blind, but Ryeowook's never needed a reason for an outpouring of affection. He even steps into the kitchen and cooks for Zhou Mi, who finds himself laughing despite himself.
"I'm touched. You're actually cooking instead of going out or making our manager do it."
"You're special," Ryeowook tells him solemnly. He breaks out into a brilliant smile and Zhou Mi feels warm from the inside. "I'm going to make Henry go buy us some bubble tea," Ryeowook adds happily.
Siwon exchanges claps on the shoulder for more hugs before he leaves for filming in the mornings. Zhou Mi doubts he knows the reason he's been sent to console Zhou Mi, but for all of Siwon's own complicated viewpoints on homosexuality Zhou Mi has yet to sort out, he has always taken to heart the need for comforting others.
But it's Donghae, unexpectedly, who pulls him to the side one day and says straightforwardly, "It's not because you're gay that he's freaking out. It's because he doesn't know what to do with the feelings."
"Feelings?" Zhou Mi repeats dumbly.
"His feelings," says Donghae.
***
When Donghae's eyes got so old and wise, Zhou Mi doesn't remember. He just remembers the look in them, some kind of unspoken understanding, when Donghae says, "Give him time, Zhou Mi. He loves you. He's just figuring it out."
***
"You seem out of it." The words are murmured into his skin, lips grazing across his stomach. Zhou Mi huffs a breath and expels it in a long sigh. He fingertips flirt with the soft hairs at the nape of the other's neck without responding.
"A lot on your mind?"
He makes a little hum of assent, resigned. His smile is helplessly wry when he says simply, "Love."
The mouth draws away from tracing soft patterns around his navel. Glittering eyes meet his and a thumb rubs against his hip in sympathy. "The worst! Does he know?"
"I don't know." He might suspect, now that he knows which way Zhou Mi's interests lie. It's not too much of a leap of logic. Zhou Mi slides his hand against the back of the other's head, cradling his skull and pulling it forward, back to where it was. "I don't know if I want him to."
***
Zhou Mi doesn't know how long he has to wait. He doesn't know how long he can wait, watching Kyuhyun leave for dinner with Siwon and Donghae, watching Kyuhyun tease Sungmin on shows, watching Kyuhyun seated two people away smiling at the MC. He doesn't know what to do with Kyuhyun's tentative smiles, his uneasy, unsure gestures as he reclaims his spot next to Zhou Mi in the van, offers his ear up again for translations. He doesn't know what to do when he catches Kyuhyun looking at him and even more so when he flushes and looks away.
The thrill of having Kyuhyun back at his side, the shiver of happiness he can't subdue every time Kyuhyun grins at him or leans in conspiratorially, battles with the fresh scars left by recent events. Zhou Mi feels at war with himself and it exhausts him more than their endless schedules and his late nights.
Half his friends look at him and stroke his face. "Let go," they say. The other half look at him and smile, almost secretly. "You're glowing," they say.
"You look conflicted," Ken says. "How are things going?" Zhou Mi doesn't know how to answer, so he changes the subject.
"Actually, you mostly look like you haven't slept properly in a month," says the friend Ken introduced him to. He's standing on the tiny balcony, smoking, back turned towards the night as he regards Zhou Mi on the bed through the open sliding door. "Love does that."
Zhou Mi laughs self-consciously and gets a raised eyebrow in return. The cigarette gets stubbed out and flicked over the railing, then he's stepped back inside.
"That said, you do look happier."
Zhou Mi receives his kiss with a lifted chin but draws away after a brief moment. "I think we should-"
"-stop seeing each other?" A chuckle. "Or at least stop sleeping together, I guess. I like you, though, Zhou Mi. Let's still be friends. Let me know how it works out with that guy."
***
Kyuhyun still doesn't go out much. He still cites the fans as an excuse, but staying in the dorms, he's not as attached to his laptop as much as he used to be. Maybe it's because Zhou Mi goes out less frequently now. He hasn't quit altogether, because he still finds the freedom heady, and he has any number of friends demanding his attention and happy to ply him with attention in return, but he finds that passing the night in the dorms is not so bad either.
Kyuhyun hasn't apologized in so many words for his earlier treatment of Zhou Mi. He hasn't shaped the words with his mouth and put voice to them. Zhou Mi is relearning to read him, though, finding again the familiarity that came so easily before. He can read the apology in Kyuhyun's cheek resting against his shoulder or in his fingers circling Zhou Mi's wrist as they read over a sheet of lyrics together. He can hear the apology in Kyuhyun's voice as he teases Zhou Mi about the harvest of his latest shopping spree, gentler ribbing than he would've let Zhou Mi escape with before.
It's a slow, cautious progress, this traversing across the uncertain waters of their relationship.
Friendship? Relationship?
Zhou Mi doesn't know that either. Neither of them have said it aloud, those three words, but like Kyuhyun's apology can go unvoiced but understood, Zhou Mi suspects their deeper feelings may go the same way.
The night Kyuhyun laces their fingers together and rests their clasped hands between them on the sofa as they watch a drama on TV, that's the night Zhou Mi's heart slowly stitches up its last ragged edge. Kyuhyun laughs softly at something on screen, burying his face into Zhou Mi's neck and puffing warm gusts of air against his neck. Zhou Mi squirms, laughs himself, and feels, again, like he's floating outside of his body looking down on himself. On himself and Kyuhyun, tangled in each other like they used to be, but with an undercurrent of something new. A mutual awareness.
Zhou Mi is still afraid to hope, but he cherishes this present happiness like it may slip away at any moment.
***
"Hey," says Henry, propping his chin on Zhou Mi's shoulder from behind. "What're you doing?"
"Trying," Zhou Mi emphasizes, "to eat lunch."
"You eat? Surely not. You're too skinny. I don't believe it!"
"You want to talk about skinny? You've lost your trademark cheeks, Henry Lau. Soon the fans will have nothing left to love." Zhou Mi makes a face and shrugs Henry off. Henry circles around to flop into the chair beside Zhou Mi. His bangs are ruffled and he looks young, grinning brightly.
"I'll just cut some guava for them and they'll love me again!"
"Yes. For your fruit." Zhou Mi laughs into his rice as Henry mimes his expert guava-cutting skills. He tilts his head and regards Zhou Mi after a moment though, the mischief fading from his demeanor.
"So," he says. "Kyuhyun, huh?"
Zhou Mi lowers his gaze instinctively, fighting the flush of happiness rising inside him. He bites his lip to stave off what Kyuhyun has informed him is a disgustingly sappy grin. Of course, he'd been wearing a version of his own moments later, so he was hardly one to criticize.
"Uh-huh," says Henry, who's looking at him when Zhou Mi darts a look back up. "I think that's all I need to know." He steals a piece of chicken out of Zhou Mi's bowl and stands up. His fist knocks lightly into Zhou Mi's shoulder as he grins and then walks off.
Zhou Mi finds him later and makes certain to say, "Thank you."
"I didn't do anything, man," says Henry. "Anyway, what're friends for?"
***
Months later, they're lying on Kyuhyun's bed in each other's arms. They're fully clothed, on top of the covers, having just finished watching another episode of a historical drama on Kyuhyun's laptop. They put the laptop safely away and lie together, staring at the ceiling and talking about anything, everything. Zhou Mi mentions wanting to start his own design label. Kyuhyun says something mean. Zhou Mi whines and squeezes Kyuhyun's side in retaliation. Kyuhyun rolls on top of him and catches his breath in his throat, looking down at him with a parted mouth.
Zhou Mi's heart thumps in his ears, a rush roaring blood loud in contrast to the seemingly fragile moment hung between them. He waits, not quite breathing, as Kyuhyun slowly sinks towards him, lowering his head until their lips meet.
It's chaste, as first kisses tend to be, simple and sweet. Zhou Mi feels his hand trembling as he brings it to rest on Kyuhyun's back, ever so gently pressing him downwards. Kyuhyun leans in, following his guidance, and opens his mouth, letting Zhou Mi adjust the angle and deepen the kiss.
"Zhou Mi," Kyuhyun whispers. He closes his eyes and breathes, and Zhou Mi loses himself in the slide of their mouths for a few minutes, an aching joy welling in his chest like the final realization of a dream he's been afraid to dream. He might hold Kyuhyun a smidgen too tight, but Kyuhyun only makes a soft noise in his throat, no complaint.
"You're right," Kyuhyun says later, lips red and kiss-swollen. He stares at Zhou Mi, eyes fever-bright.
"About what?"
Kyuhyun's fingers touch his mouth. Then they feather over Zhou Mi's, ever so gently. "It's the same. Falling in love. It's the same no matter what two people it's between."
"No," says Zhou Mi with conviction. He kisses Kyuhyun again. "No. It's not. It's different between everyone." He smiles and his cheeks might hurt from the strength of it, as convicted as his words.
"It's different because it's us."
That makes it a hundred thousand times more precious to Zhou Mi.
--
Started: 2011.05.06 | Finished: 2011.05.07
Super Junior (M), Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi/OMC, R, 4195 words
Taiwan gives Zhou Mi a freedom he didn't have before. Taiwan changes the way Kyuhyun looks at him.
Contains: implications of homophobia, angst, happy ending
如果你也听说 会不会相信我
对流言会附和 还是你知道我还是我
Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are fighting. That's what everyone thinks, because they haven't really been alone in days, and they've been stilted and cold when they interact. It happens sometimes, between members, inevitable when you're forced to live and deal with other people on such a constant basis. It doesn't normally happen to Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, no, who are typically the epitome of radiant giggling schoolgirls together, but it's not so strange to think conflict would eventually find them.
Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are not fighting, though. Because Zhou Mi has no idea why Kyuhyun is suddenly avoiding him and refusing to meet his eyes and pulling away from his touches. He's confused and he's hurt; he puts on his best face for the cameras and tries, silently, through body language, to ask what's wrong, since Kyuhyun has already turned his head away to the voiced questions. Kyuhyun's smile is stiff when Zhou Mi leans an arm on him for the photo; he looks away when he's placed next to Zhou Mi in line order, and doesn't step closer to demand or await translations.
Zhou Mi feels unanchored.
He's unused to Kyuhyun being angry with him, unused to meeting blank, dark eyes instead of mischievous amusement. He's unused to being subtly nudged away as Kyuhyun closes himself off, setting Zhou Mi adrift. Supposedly they have so much freedom in Taiwan, which Zhou Mi has gladly taken advantage of; he didn't know he needed an anchor, a safe harbor to return to, until it was denied him.
He's distracted, unhappy, at a loss. He slips up on shows. He pleads tiredness, borrowing the excuse Kyuhyun is using for his own serious, unsmiling countenance. But Zhou Mi is tired, bone-deep weary and even more afraid.
What happened? How can he fix anything if he doesn't know what he did wrong?
He goes out, because it's better than watching Kyuhyun ignore him. He lets his friends take him eating and drinking, lets them coax laughter out of him, and raise his mood. Part of his head feels like it's floating, out-of-body, watching himself enjoy the company and the camaraderie, while a secret part of him is still weighed down in shadows and unanswered uncertainties.
"Drink," says Ken, taking him and Henry out after their radio show. "Bottoms up!"
Zhou Mi drinks and laughs and wishes he didn't feel like he was putting on another act, even without the cameras.
***
Even Henry notices. "You okay?" he asks, elbowing Zhou Mi as they climb into their taxi a little unsteadily. Maybe they should have drank less. Zhou Mi doesn't care. Henry is probably not as drunk. Zhou Mi really doesn't care. He leans his head against the cool glass of the window.
"I'm fine." The smile he feigns is half-hearted at best.
Henry's not the oblivious kid he used to be. He looks at Zhou Mi after he tells the driver their address, settling back against the seat. "Kyuhyun, huh?"
Zhou Mi sighs and looks out at the passing night scenery. Bright lights blur before his already hazy vision. "I don't know what I did," he finds himself saying softly. "It's been almost a week. He won't talk to me."
The hand that ends up in his hair is unexpected, a gentle, reassuring pat. "I'll talk to him, yeah? See if I can get anything out of him. It'll be fine, you guys are so close. I'm sure it'll all work out."
There's a lump in Zhou Mi's throat. Henry's really not the kid he used to be.
***
Henry returns two days later with a grim expression, so serious that Zhou Mi feels his heart sinking. Worse than expected, then. His imagination doesn't know which way to run, an avalanche of worst-case scenarios tumbling through his mind.
Zhou Mi watches Henry close the door to his room and sit on the edge of Zhou Mi's bed, gut twisting with anxiety.
"He...found out you're gay."
Zhou Mi doesn't know what to say.
"I mean, maybe he always suspected but..." Henry looks pained, uncomfortable, apologetic. "Yeah. He just realized, I guess. He's dealing with it."
His ears are ringing. Zhou Mi can't find the words, any words, his mind nothing but blank fog.
"I think it's probably because you've been going out, you know, at night. And he finally realized you weren't always just hanging out at KTV with your girlfriends. Ken might have said something accidentally too, or he saw something?" Henry's rueful a moment. "Not all of your hickeys were hidden, Zhou Mi." But his eyes go dark and concerned again as Zhou Mi continues to stare at him wordlessly.
He gets to his feet suddenly, crossing over to Zhou Mi's side and hugging him tightly. Zhou Mi barely registers the embrace or the accompanying words. "Don't worry too much, Zhou Mi. It'll be okay. He'll come around. I mean, he's pretty Christian, but he's not that conservative like Siwon and he's pretty liberal about equality. I think he just needs sometime; he's just shocked, you know. It's normal."
Zhou Mi barely hears him over the avalanche inside his head, picking up speed and burying him underneath. He thinks he wants to cry, but his chest feels empty, his throat aching, his eyes dry.
***
He doesn't bother looking at Kyuhyun the next day. In fact, he can barely meet his gaze at all. He still manages to smile and joke for the camera, manages to talk to Ryeowook and Henry with genuine affection, but he freezes up whenever Kyuhyun crosses his line of sight.
He goes out that night.
He meets up with one of the friends Ken introduced him to a few weeks ago. He's not as tall as Zhou Mi, but he's better built and stylish, charming, and interested. They fuck in a dimly lit hotel room, Zhou Mi spread out naked on the white sheets with his eyes squeezed shut as his hips arch off the bed. He comes all over someone else's hand, shaking, drowning. After, he turns his face into the pillow as he catches his breath, listening to the condom being stripped off and thrown away, listening to the clean-up in the bathroom. He continues to lie on the bed, unmoving but for the rise and fall of his chest, still naked and filthy and boneless.
When Zhou Mi gets back to the dorms that night, it's past two. He's freshly showered and damp, fragrant with some citrus soap or other. None of it disguises the fact that he's loose-limbed and well-fucked and, this time, the hickeys visible on his neck, the bruises around his wrists, are meant to be seen.
Kyuhyun's at the ad hoc gaming station that took over the living room table; they all eat in the other dorm, so it doesn't matter much. Zhou Mi stops by ostensibly to see if Hyukjae is still awake, because Zhou Mi just happened to pass by a chocolate ice shop and brought some back for him. Hyukjae's watching TV and accepts the gift gleefully; Kyuhyun's eyes track Zhou Mi as he passes by, lingering on his throat, on the open collar of his wrinkled shirt.
Zhou Mi can't look at him without feeling sick. He affects breeziness as he wishes Hyukjae a good night, but he can't force out his typical admonishment for Kyuhyun to stop gaming so late, it's bad for his skin. Kyuhyun doesn't say a word as he leaves.
***
He's been afraid for three years that they would find out. He remembers when his parents found out; how can he forget when they still barely speak to him now? He was terrified when he made this choice, to walk down this path and pursue this career. Korea's entertainment industry is not well known for its liberal acceptance.
Time lulled him into a sense of false security. Familiarity with the others, blossoming friendships and easy camaraderie made him hopeful. Zhou Mi honestly believes Ryeowook will love him regardless, knows that Henry doesn't think it's a big deal. He suspects Heechul suspects and doesn't care, but Han Geng looked at him differently after he knew. He never said a word and he did his duty as leader, but Zhou Mi will never stop wondering if he was one reason among others that Han Geng was happy to leave.
The others have no idea. Henry was never supposed to know, but Henry is perceptive, especially in Taiwan. Taiwan gave them both freedom they didn't expect and weren't accustomed to: it made them carefree and careless. But Henry's not like the rest of them; he grew up in Canada. Henry, like the others, loves Zhou Mi. Henry, unlike the others, won't stop just because Zhou Mi happens to like guys.
Zhou Mi never dared to think what Kyuhyun would do if he found out. He never dared to speculate if he would be like Henry, or Han Geng, or worse. He didn't want to speculate, because it was easier to put on blinders and take joy in Kyuhyun at his side, laughing with him and nestling close for translations, for help with his pronunciation on his latest solo, for inside jokes - any endless combination that had Kyuhyun's dancing eyes and lopsided little smirk trained on Zhou Mi. Anything that warmed Zhou Mi deep from within, a gentle, welcome ache.
He puts in his earphones and goes to sleep to the sound of Lin Fan in his ears, drowning out the sound of his own fears. Will Kyuhyun ever look at him like that again? Lin Fan sings gently, I think I can grow accustomed to living a solitary life. Zhou Mi shuts his eyes and tries to sleep.
***
"Maybe you should talk to him," Henry suggests.
Zhou Mi wouldn't know what to say or where to even begin. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm not sorry for who I am. I'm sorry you can't accept me like this. The pain in his chest is beginning to wear. Every smile he forces for the sake of appearances is beginning to chafe.
It's tiring to hurt like this, he thinks. It's tiring to love you, Kyuhyun.
Still, it's one thing he can't be sorry for.
***
"Kyuhyun," he says. "It's been two weeks. Can we just talk?"
He sits down across the table from Kyuhyun, looking at him over the edge of his laptop. The others are out tonight, Sungmin and Ryeowook at a night market, Hyukjae and Donghae on the radio. God knows where Siwon is.
Kyuhyun meets his eyes and Zhou Mi feels like it's the first time in weeks. "I'm surprised you're not out," Kyuhyun says. His voice is cool and unreadable, and it's like another arrow to Zhou Mi's already tender heart. He used to be able to read Kyuhyun effortlessly, understanding his quirks and his needs and his preferences. His gestures never needed interpretation, his voice never so opaque.
It seems impossible that things should change so much in a mere two weeks.
Zhou Mi holds his gaze as steadily as he can, all things considered. "I wanted to talk to you." He's grateful his own voice comes out even and quiet.
"Already fucked all the guys available?"
Zhou Mi flinches. He stares at Kyuhyun, disbelieving his own ears. Kyuhyun looks half-uncertain, almost as if regretting the words he just let out. But he doesn't take them back, doesn't apologize - he leaves them hanging there, cold and brittle in the space between them, waiting for Zhou Mi's response.
"Kyuhyun-"
He doesn't know where to go from there, when bile is rising in his throat. The tears he hasn't let fall over the past two weeks have finally risen, unbidden and hot, to his eyes.
"Kyuhyun, I'm still me." He tries, like a desperate last-minute fumble in the face of certain failure. "I'm still the person you know. I haven't changed, I just- So I like men. It's not something that can, that I would let, that would ever-" He doesn't know what he's trying to say.
"How many guys have you slept with while we've been in Taiwan?"
"I-" That's none of your business. Why does it matter? Zhou Mi swallows the words and stares silently at Kyuhyun instead, letting his eyes plead for him. Despite himself, he feels guilty. He hates it. He doesn't owe anyone his celibacy, doesn't account to anyone his own private, sexual affairs, as long as he's safe. And Zhou Mi is, he's careful and he's an adult and he can't bear the way Kyuhyun is looking at him.
Kyuhyun turns away, gaze dropping to his laptop. The tension strung between them is so tight it practically vibrates. Zhou Mi's spine feels the same.
"Zhou Mi."
His name, soft, like he hasn't heard in two weeks breaks the silence like an unexpected beatitude.
"Zhou Mi. I don't...understand." For a moment, there is only the sound of their breathing and the quiet whir of the laptop fan. Then: "Why?"
Zhou Mi wants to laugh, but he's afraid he would cry. Why does he like men? Why does he love Kyuhyun? Why did he choose such a difficult life path for himself? "Why do you fall in love with girls? Why do people fall in love at all? I don't know. But I only have this one life, Kyuhyun. How can I waste it? I just want to be happy, like everyone else."
He is, mostly. He's happy. He's doing what he loves. He's surrounded by people he loves. So he sacrifices having any real sort of romantic entanglement for the time being, but it seems like a small thing in face of being able to sing, to bring smiles to his fans' faces, to be around the other members day in and day out, knowing he has a place in their hearts. Knowing he has a place in Kyuhyun's heart, even if it's not everything he wants, it is more than enough.
He's grateful. He's happy.
He just wants Kyuhyun to stop looking at him like he doesn't know him, dark eyes beneath furrowed brows.
When Zhou Mi leaves, Kyuhyun no longer seems angry. He seems unsettled and unhappy, but not angry. His tempers have always spiked quickly and faded equally as quickly; Zhou Mi knows him so well, painfully so. Still, he can't find it in himself to rekindle that flame of hope, even if Kyuhyun seems to regret his earlier cruel outburst.
Little changes, he thinks tiredly. Small steps.
How long will it take to rebuild their relationship to where it was before? Zhou Mi feels tired just thinking about it.
***
Henry is underappreciated, Zhou Mi decides, as he finds himself enveloped in a whirlwind of distractions, from jokes to food to music ("I want to learn more about - what's her name? Lin Fan? Wang Pei Rong? Give me some of their music!"). Henry drags Ryeowook into it, blind, but Ryeowook's never needed a reason for an outpouring of affection. He even steps into the kitchen and cooks for Zhou Mi, who finds himself laughing despite himself.
"I'm touched. You're actually cooking instead of going out or making our manager do it."
"You're special," Ryeowook tells him solemnly. He breaks out into a brilliant smile and Zhou Mi feels warm from the inside. "I'm going to make Henry go buy us some bubble tea," Ryeowook adds happily.
Siwon exchanges claps on the shoulder for more hugs before he leaves for filming in the mornings. Zhou Mi doubts he knows the reason he's been sent to console Zhou Mi, but for all of Siwon's own complicated viewpoints on homosexuality Zhou Mi has yet to sort out, he has always taken to heart the need for comforting others.
But it's Donghae, unexpectedly, who pulls him to the side one day and says straightforwardly, "It's not because you're gay that he's freaking out. It's because he doesn't know what to do with the feelings."
"Feelings?" Zhou Mi repeats dumbly.
"His feelings," says Donghae.
***
When Donghae's eyes got so old and wise, Zhou Mi doesn't remember. He just remembers the look in them, some kind of unspoken understanding, when Donghae says, "Give him time, Zhou Mi. He loves you. He's just figuring it out."
***
"You seem out of it." The words are murmured into his skin, lips grazing across his stomach. Zhou Mi huffs a breath and expels it in a long sigh. He fingertips flirt with the soft hairs at the nape of the other's neck without responding.
"A lot on your mind?"
He makes a little hum of assent, resigned. His smile is helplessly wry when he says simply, "Love."
The mouth draws away from tracing soft patterns around his navel. Glittering eyes meet his and a thumb rubs against his hip in sympathy. "The worst! Does he know?"
"I don't know." He might suspect, now that he knows which way Zhou Mi's interests lie. It's not too much of a leap of logic. Zhou Mi slides his hand against the back of the other's head, cradling his skull and pulling it forward, back to where it was. "I don't know if I want him to."
***
Zhou Mi doesn't know how long he has to wait. He doesn't know how long he can wait, watching Kyuhyun leave for dinner with Siwon and Donghae, watching Kyuhyun tease Sungmin on shows, watching Kyuhyun seated two people away smiling at the MC. He doesn't know what to do with Kyuhyun's tentative smiles, his uneasy, unsure gestures as he reclaims his spot next to Zhou Mi in the van, offers his ear up again for translations. He doesn't know what to do when he catches Kyuhyun looking at him and even more so when he flushes and looks away.
The thrill of having Kyuhyun back at his side, the shiver of happiness he can't subdue every time Kyuhyun grins at him or leans in conspiratorially, battles with the fresh scars left by recent events. Zhou Mi feels at war with himself and it exhausts him more than their endless schedules and his late nights.
Half his friends look at him and stroke his face. "Let go," they say. The other half look at him and smile, almost secretly. "You're glowing," they say.
"You look conflicted," Ken says. "How are things going?" Zhou Mi doesn't know how to answer, so he changes the subject.
"Actually, you mostly look like you haven't slept properly in a month," says the friend Ken introduced him to. He's standing on the tiny balcony, smoking, back turned towards the night as he regards Zhou Mi on the bed through the open sliding door. "Love does that."
Zhou Mi laughs self-consciously and gets a raised eyebrow in return. The cigarette gets stubbed out and flicked over the railing, then he's stepped back inside.
"That said, you do look happier."
Zhou Mi receives his kiss with a lifted chin but draws away after a brief moment. "I think we should-"
"-stop seeing each other?" A chuckle. "Or at least stop sleeping together, I guess. I like you, though, Zhou Mi. Let's still be friends. Let me know how it works out with that guy."
***
Kyuhyun still doesn't go out much. He still cites the fans as an excuse, but staying in the dorms, he's not as attached to his laptop as much as he used to be. Maybe it's because Zhou Mi goes out less frequently now. He hasn't quit altogether, because he still finds the freedom heady, and he has any number of friends demanding his attention and happy to ply him with attention in return, but he finds that passing the night in the dorms is not so bad either.
Kyuhyun hasn't apologized in so many words for his earlier treatment of Zhou Mi. He hasn't shaped the words with his mouth and put voice to them. Zhou Mi is relearning to read him, though, finding again the familiarity that came so easily before. He can read the apology in Kyuhyun's cheek resting against his shoulder or in his fingers circling Zhou Mi's wrist as they read over a sheet of lyrics together. He can hear the apology in Kyuhyun's voice as he teases Zhou Mi about the harvest of his latest shopping spree, gentler ribbing than he would've let Zhou Mi escape with before.
It's a slow, cautious progress, this traversing across the uncertain waters of their relationship.
Friendship? Relationship?
Zhou Mi doesn't know that either. Neither of them have said it aloud, those three words, but like Kyuhyun's apology can go unvoiced but understood, Zhou Mi suspects their deeper feelings may go the same way.
The night Kyuhyun laces their fingers together and rests their clasped hands between them on the sofa as they watch a drama on TV, that's the night Zhou Mi's heart slowly stitches up its last ragged edge. Kyuhyun laughs softly at something on screen, burying his face into Zhou Mi's neck and puffing warm gusts of air against his neck. Zhou Mi squirms, laughs himself, and feels, again, like he's floating outside of his body looking down on himself. On himself and Kyuhyun, tangled in each other like they used to be, but with an undercurrent of something new. A mutual awareness.
Zhou Mi is still afraid to hope, but he cherishes this present happiness like it may slip away at any moment.
***
"Hey," says Henry, propping his chin on Zhou Mi's shoulder from behind. "What're you doing?"
"Trying," Zhou Mi emphasizes, "to eat lunch."
"You eat? Surely not. You're too skinny. I don't believe it!"
"You want to talk about skinny? You've lost your trademark cheeks, Henry Lau. Soon the fans will have nothing left to love." Zhou Mi makes a face and shrugs Henry off. Henry circles around to flop into the chair beside Zhou Mi. His bangs are ruffled and he looks young, grinning brightly.
"I'll just cut some guava for them and they'll love me again!"
"Yes. For your fruit." Zhou Mi laughs into his rice as Henry mimes his expert guava-cutting skills. He tilts his head and regards Zhou Mi after a moment though, the mischief fading from his demeanor.
"So," he says. "Kyuhyun, huh?"
Zhou Mi lowers his gaze instinctively, fighting the flush of happiness rising inside him. He bites his lip to stave off what Kyuhyun has informed him is a disgustingly sappy grin. Of course, he'd been wearing a version of his own moments later, so he was hardly one to criticize.
"Uh-huh," says Henry, who's looking at him when Zhou Mi darts a look back up. "I think that's all I need to know." He steals a piece of chicken out of Zhou Mi's bowl and stands up. His fist knocks lightly into Zhou Mi's shoulder as he grins and then walks off.
Zhou Mi finds him later and makes certain to say, "Thank you."
"I didn't do anything, man," says Henry. "Anyway, what're friends for?"
***
Months later, they're lying on Kyuhyun's bed in each other's arms. They're fully clothed, on top of the covers, having just finished watching another episode of a historical drama on Kyuhyun's laptop. They put the laptop safely away and lie together, staring at the ceiling and talking about anything, everything. Zhou Mi mentions wanting to start his own design label. Kyuhyun says something mean. Zhou Mi whines and squeezes Kyuhyun's side in retaliation. Kyuhyun rolls on top of him and catches his breath in his throat, looking down at him with a parted mouth.
Zhou Mi's heart thumps in his ears, a rush roaring blood loud in contrast to the seemingly fragile moment hung between them. He waits, not quite breathing, as Kyuhyun slowly sinks towards him, lowering his head until their lips meet.
It's chaste, as first kisses tend to be, simple and sweet. Zhou Mi feels his hand trembling as he brings it to rest on Kyuhyun's back, ever so gently pressing him downwards. Kyuhyun leans in, following his guidance, and opens his mouth, letting Zhou Mi adjust the angle and deepen the kiss.
"Zhou Mi," Kyuhyun whispers. He closes his eyes and breathes, and Zhou Mi loses himself in the slide of their mouths for a few minutes, an aching joy welling in his chest like the final realization of a dream he's been afraid to dream. He might hold Kyuhyun a smidgen too tight, but Kyuhyun only makes a soft noise in his throat, no complaint.
"You're right," Kyuhyun says later, lips red and kiss-swollen. He stares at Zhou Mi, eyes fever-bright.
"About what?"
Kyuhyun's fingers touch his mouth. Then they feather over Zhou Mi's, ever so gently. "It's the same. Falling in love. It's the same no matter what two people it's between."
"No," says Zhou Mi with conviction. He kisses Kyuhyun again. "No. It's not. It's different between everyone." He smiles and his cheeks might hurt from the strength of it, as convicted as his words.
"It's different because it's us."
That makes it a hundred thousand times more precious to Zhou Mi.
--
Started: 2011.05.06 | Finished: 2011.05.07