CHINGUX 2014: tell me if this is love (4/5) for coeurdelupine
← PART 3
It's snowing outside when Kyungsoo wakes up. The curtains are drawn open and the sunlight falling over his face makes him squint, groaning loudly when he feels the way his head is pounding. Shit. He's never drinking again.
Once his eyes get adjusted to the brightness, he looks around the unfamiliar room he's in. It's definitely a boy's room, judging by the deep blue wallpapers and the posters of soccer players stuck here and there, the piles of jeans poorly hidden behind the closet door, not to mention the stack of porn stashed underneath the desk.
Baekhyun is snoring lightly next to him, curled in on himself with his thumb under his mouth and Kyungsoo wishes he wasn't so dead and unwilling to search for his phone; just one picture of Baekhyun sleeping like a baby would provide endless years of entertainment and blackmail material.
Baekhyun smacks his lips a few times in his dream as he rolls over, throwing a leg over Kyungsoo's knees to snuggle against him. Kyungsoo can't help but smile affectionately, carding his fingers through Baekhyun's hair to push it back from his forehead. Baekhyun has always been a cuddly sleeper. There's a bump on his forehead and Kyungsoo gently traces over it with his thumb, pulling his hand back once Baekhyun winces, nose scrunching up in his sleep. What the hell happened last night?
Kyungsoo tries to think back at the events from last night, trying to remember what exactly happened after he came here. He remembers the loud gasp Sehun had made when he took him into his mouth and the way his whole body shuddered as he came, remembers pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth before dropping him off downstairs, looking absolutely disheveled. Then he remembers taking a cab, doing shots with Baekhyun in the kitchen and that's when things start to get really blurry. He remembers feeling antsy and the way the alcohol burned down his throat, but kept drinking nonetheless.
He flops back against the bed, heaving a sigh and rubbing at his eyes with his knuckles when it hits him. Chanyeol. He told Baekhyun he thinks he's in love with Chanyeol. And Baekhyun started screaming and threw himself at Kyungsoo, making him stumble backwards and fall down, dragging Baekhyun along with him. Kyungsoo remembers Baekhyun wailing in pain but he was too shitfaced to pay attention to what was happening.
Fuck. All Kyungsoo can do now is hope Baekhyun got really drunk last night and won't remember anything that happened when he wakes up.
✩
Tirteen year old Kyungsoo is annoyed by Chanyeol and the way he talks louder than necessary, or the way he chews with his mouth open. He calls Kyungsoo cute and tries to pinch his round cheeks, making Kyungsoo punch him in the stomach every single time.They somehow, against all odds, end up becoming best friends.
Fourteen year old Kyungsoo is still annoyed by Chanyeol and everything he does, but he also realizes how glad he is that Chanyeol managed to stick around and become a constant part of his life. Fourteen year old Kyungsoo also realizes for the first time that he loves Chanyeol.
Chanyeol accidentally steps all over Kyungsoo's sand castle and keeps apologizing profusely for being so tall and unable to control his limbs. It's childish-from the way Kyungsoo tries to entertain himself that boring summer day, to the way Chanyeol spends six hours trying to make a new, even bigger castle so Kyungsoo would forgive him.
Kyungsoo does forgive him, and hugs him really tight, inhaling the smell of sweat and sunscreen on Chanyeol's skin, murmuring out You are so fucking ridiculous, Park. What would I do without you? in his ear.
Kyungsoo still remembers the light dusting of freckles along Chanyeol's nose and cheeks, and how red his shoulders had been from the sun at the moment when he had realized just how much he loved Chanyeol. He vowed to himself to keep Chanyeol as his best friend for the rest of his life.
Now, Kyungsoo is a few weeks shy of turning nineteen, and he realizes that he's in love with Chanyeol, which is a much bigger and much different thing than loving Chanyeol just as a friend.
He wants to kiss Chanyeol and hold his hand and even cuddle with him in bed, and fuck-Do Kyungsoo doesn't do cuddling. This is much bigger than the first time he dropped down to his knees and sucked Chanyeol's dick, or the time they first had sex together, tangled up in the sheets on Baekhyun's bed out of spite.
Chanyeol used to joke about it back in the days, saying how they'll remain being best friends even though they've done things (on numerous occasions) that normal friends don't usually do. "What's a friend for if he doesn't lend a helping hand from time to time," Baekhyun used to say and Chanyeol would just ignore him, blabbering about getting married and how their children will also be best friends, saying stuff like "I want you to be the best man at my wedding". Kyungsoo used to roll his eyes at how ridiculous he had been, but now, Kyungsoo wants to be the person standing next to Chanyeol in front of the altar instead of being in the sidelines, feeling happy for his best friend.
He isn't in love with the constant attention Chanyeol used to give him. He's in love with Chanyeol and everything that makes him who he is, from the way he walks with his back hunched a little, still not used to the sudden growth spurt, even though it's been years since puberty hit him, to the callouses on his hands from playing on his guitars all the time and the ridiculous amount of Rilakkuma plushies lined up in a specific order on his bed, along with his never ending collection of snapbacks.
Now it all makes sense. He doesn't like Jinah, but not because he couldn't figure her out, or because his best friend instincts came to life whenever she did or said something that proved she wasn't the perfect fit for Chanyeol; it's because he wants to be in her place. He wants to be the person that holds Chanyeol's hand and makes him smile constantly. All that anger and inexplicable jealousy he felt up till now was because he loved Chanyeol and missed having him in his life.
But he's not so sure where he stands with Chanyeol. They talk from time to time (when necessary) but they're not exactly friends either, and it's killing him. God, he was so stupid. He screwed everything up and now he has to pay the price.
If only there was a way for him to fix things or stop thinking about Chanyeol and the way his lips had felt pressed against his that night.
✩
"Mornin' lover boy," Jongdae greets cheerfully, opening the door to Kyungsoo's bedroom with a shit-eating grin on his face.
Kyungsoo groans and buries his face in his pillow. Kyungsoo left that guy's house before Baekhyun had the chance to wake up and interrogate him, but he didn't know he would be so quick to tell Jongdae about it. But knowing Baekhyun, he probably texted Jongdae as soon as the words left Kyungsoo's mouth, using one hand to hug Kyungsoo while pulling his phone out of his pocket with the other one.
It's been only a few hours since he woke up and Kyungsoo called his driver to take him home, thankful his father and his wife weren't there to greet him. He can't deal with them so early in the morning with a hangover as bad as the new peach colored wallpapers in the living room.
"Fuck off," Kyungsoo mumbles into his pillow when Jongdae sits on the back of his thighs and starts to jump up and down excitedly. Ugh, it's too early for this shit. "I don't wanna talk about it. Let me die in peace, will ya?"
"Get up sunshine. There's breakfast waiting for you downstairs," Jongdae ignores Kyungsoo's protests and hops off the bed, yanking the doors of Kyungsoo's closet open. "Do you have a shirt that's not black or plain simple? What's wrong with colors and patterns? Is it against the rules of the secret Worship Satan club you're in?"
"Why the fuck do you care? My clothes, not yours." Kyungsoo argues as he covers his head with the blankets. "And what the fuck are you doing here?"
"I came to keep you company so you wouldn't have to wallow alone in your sadness," comes Jongdae's voice from the bathroom and Kyungsoo stops trying to tune him out and go back to sleep. The damage has been done; he's already fully awake and dying.
"I'm not gonna wallow alone in my sadness, because I'm not sad, so you can go home now. Bye," Kyungsoo waves him off after he's managed to get out of bed and drag himself over to the bathroom where Jongdae is too busy checking himself out in the mirror. He's wearing an oversized Illionaire t-shirt that looks very familiar but Kyungsoo doesn't remember buying it. Bile rises up his throat once he remembers Chanyeol forgot it in here during summer break. He feels like puking again.
"So what's your plan for this?" Jongdae asks around a mouthful of cereal during breakfast in Kyungsoo's kitchen.
"Why do I need a plan?" Kyungsoo frowns and downs his second aspirin for the day. "Just because I...you know..." he makes a pointed face instead of saying it out loud again. Admitting it once was more than enough. "doesn't mean I should do something about it. I'm gonna let it die on its own."
"You're not gonna tell him about it?" Jongdae gasps loudly and almost chokes on his food.
"Why would I? It's not like he'll come running back to me with open arms, or anything. I mean he has a girlfriend now."
"So? She's not gonna be around forever." Jongdae says matter-of-factly, giving him a cat-like smile. "They've been arguing a lot lately. I bet they'll break up before the showcase."
"Okay. Let's bet on it," Kyungsoo rubs his hands together as he leans back in his seat, filing the information Jongdae just shared with him for later. "If they break up before the showcase I'll do whatever you want, but if they break up after, you'll have to do what I want. Deal?"
"Deal."
✩
Kyungsoo spends the rest of his break at home, texting Sehun and Jongin while watching movies and meeting up with his brother and Seohyun, helping them pick a color for the nursery room, trying to keep himself preoccupied so he wouldn't think about Chanyeol.
Jongdae comes back a few days before Kyungsoo's birthday, bringing in backup this time.
"Are you gonna break up with your boyfriend now?" Baekhyun asks curiously from where he's lying on the floor in Kyungsoo's living room.
"He's not my boyfriend," Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, pausing the game he's playing with Jongdae. "And no. Why would I?"
"Because you're in love with someone else, of course." Baekhyun says slowly as if he's talking to a child. Kyungsoo winces at his words. He still hasn't fully wrapped his head around the idea of being in love with Chanyeol.
"That doesn't change anything, because I've been..." he waves it off again, "for a very long time now, so I don't see how it should be a problem. And it's not like what I have going on with Sehun is anything serious."
"But why won't you talk to Chanyeol about it?" Baekhyun whines and starts to pull on Kyungsoo's feet, trying to take his socks off. "You will have to see them smooching around school once the break is over. Won't that bother you?"
"Christ, Baekhyun." Kyungsoo sighs exasperatedly. "Can we pretend like this never happened?"
"No, we can't. This is serious Kyungsoo. You can't get drunk all the time and try to forget about it." Jongdae speaks quietly and Kyungsoo crosses his arms across his chest; he knows his friends are right. But it's not like he could walk up to Chanyeol and be all hey bro, I know I broke your heart but it's okay because I'm in love with you now haha. He's not even sure whether Chanyeol is still in love with him or not.
✩
Baekhyun and Jongdae take him out for his birthday, taking him to a strip club again to celebrate, and buy him a lap dance in one of the VIP rooms. Seungsoo takes him out for lunch the next day and Kyungsoo hopes he managed to wash off all the glitter and confetti from his hair. Seungsoo would laugh at him and so would Seohyun, but he doesn't want to embarrass himself like that in front of them. He's supposed to be an adult now, anyway.
He gets a message from Chanyeol, wishing him happy birthday and Kyungsoo's heart keeps beating wildly for the rest of the day.
Jongin drops by a few days later and he stays over for a few days, watching movies and ordering copious amounts of fried chicken-the usual. Jongdae and Baekhyun are spending the week over at Chanyeol's, explaining to Kyungsoo how it wouldn't be fair if they stuck around only at his place, and Kyungsoo gets it. It's like he and Chanyeol are the divorced couple, while dumb and dumber are their kids that have to spend time with both their parents during the holidays. Usually the four of them would spend their Christmas break at Chanyeol's place, but after the whole not-being-friends-anymore thing, Kyungsoo decided to skip Christmas at the Park residence this year.
Sehun joins him as soon as he comes back from his skiing trip and he once again proves himself to be an excellent distraction from everything that's been happening lately. They spend the whole time alone making out lazily in front of the TV and playing video games.
✩
Kyungsoo doesn't see much of Chanyeol once school starts. He stops showing up for breakfast and Kyungsoo is too busy practicing his solo for the showcase and studying to even ask Jongdae or Baekhyun about his whereabouts.
Mrs. Kwon somehow manages to get Yoo Young Jin to let him sing one of his unreleased songs and Kyungsoo doesn't stop thanking her whenever he sees her for a week. He spends most of his time locked up in the music room listening to the demo version and singing along to it as he does his homework. And between studying for the final exams and practicing, Kyungsoo slowly starts to feel like he's getting over Chanyeol. Out of sight, out of mind.
That is, until one day he's forced to sit and watch Chanyeol and Jinah be all happy and gross together in front of him.
"Where the hell are our cabs? I called an hour ago!" Jongdae huffs angrily, checking his watch for the nth time since the six of them met up in the lobby, ready to go out.
"Call them again." Baekhyun suggests, playing anxiously with the cigarette box in his hands.
"Should I call my driver? He can pick us up with the limo." Jinah shrugs and bats her eyelashes cutely at Chanyeol who's been holding her hand the whole damn time since they got here. It's making Kyungsoo feel restless again.
"We'll have to wait for them too. I'm sure the cabs will be here any minute now." Kyungsoo says and she nods, agreeing with him. He feels Chanyeol's eyes on him and he turns his head away before they would make eye contact.
Jongdae starts to argue about something with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo tunes them out, bouncing his leg up and down. He feels like he will go insane if they don't start moving soon. Agreeing to go out when he knew the two of them would be coming along was such a horrible idea.
Sehun places a hand on his knee and leans in to whisper in his ear. "Calm down," he says quietly so the others wouldn't be able to overhear him. He slings an arm over Kyungsoo's shoulders too, and starts to play with the short hair at his nape absentmindedly. It's kind of soothing. "We can ditch 'em and go to the movies on our own."
"That's a good idea," Kyungsoo smiles and rests his head on Sehun's shoulder. "I'd like that."
Sehun smiles back at him as he pulls him closer and a part of Kyungsoo is hoping Chanyeol sees them and gets upset because of it. He keeps his eyes closed while they wait, enjoying the way Sehun's fingers trace patterns and letters and drawings of the sun onto the skin of his neck.
Fifteen minutes later, as they’re walking towards the cars waiting for them in front of the school gates, Sehun speaks up.
“Are you sure you wanna go?” Sehun asks, and god, it makes Kyungsoo feel so bad and like such a shitty friend with benefits.
He fakes a smile that would hopefully fool Sehun as he speaks. “Yeah, why?”
Sehun hesitates for a moment and purses his lips in thought, looking like he's going to mention something about the way Chanyeol had pecked Jinah on the cheek earlier, but at the end he settles for slinging his arm over Kyungsoo’s shoulders and a “nothing”.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo tugs on the back of Sehun’s jacket to make him stop walking and reaches out to cup his face in his hand. “I’ll be fine,” he tries to reassure Sehun who frowns.
“We can stay in if you want,” Sehun says quickly. “Watch some movies or something. Or maybe you can practice some more, and I can catch up with my English essay, I don’t mind. We can go out next week.”
Fuck. Why must Sehun be so nice. He shouldn't have to worry over Kyungsoo's inability to deal with human emotions (Baekhyun's words, not his) and ruin his day because of it. Kyungsoo swallows down the bile rising up his throat before continuing, giving Sehun the best smile he can muster up at the moment.
“No, no,” Kyungsoo quickly reassures him, stepping closer. He wraps his free hand over Sehun’s and squeezes on it. “Don’t worry so much, okay? I’m fine.”
When Sehun pouts in response, Kyungsoo stands on his tiptoes to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth, feeling the way it immediately curls up into a smile. Usually, Kyungsoo would be worried about kissing Sehun like this in the open, since the school isn’t so keen on PDA, especially when it comes to students of the same gender, but it’s Saturday afternoon and they’re the last ones to leave, so it's okay. Everyone else is either inside, all huddled up togethr in the common rooms or already sitting comfortably in their expensive town cars.
“Now come on,” he inches closer to Sehun’s mouth and kisses him softly, square on the lips. “We better hurry up if we don’t want to miss our ride to freedom.”
Jinah says something during lunch that makes Kyungsoo reconsider the bet he made with Jongdae.
"I can't wait for spring," Jinah suddenly announces and Kyungsoo looks up at her curiously. "I wanna go to Everland." She pouts and turns around to look at Chanyeol like a kicked puppy. The way Chanyeol's face turns green at the mention of Everland makes Kyungsoo smile in satisfaction. Jongdae nudges Baekhyun's elbow, waiting for Chanyeol to puke all over the table.
Chanyeol hates amusement parks. Two years ago they went on a field trip to Disneyland and Kyungsoo had spent the whole time sitting on a bench by the fountains while Chanyeol repeatedly emptied out the contents of his stomach after a ride on one of the smaller roller coasters.
"I’m never going to an amusement park. Ever,” Chanyeol had groaned out, clutching on his aching tummy and Kyungsoo patted him on the shoulder warily from a safe distance, nose wrinkled at the stench of vomit by his feet.
Chanyeol still claims his stomach turns upside down at the mere mention of amusement parks.
"E-Everland?" Chanyeol chuckles sheepishly. "We can go now. It's pretty during the winter."
"But all of the rides are closed," Jinah says. "Promise me you'll take me on a romantic date once they open again."
Chanyeol sets his lips in a thin line and nods stiffly, the chopsticks he's holding in his hand starting to shake at the thought of reliving his biggest nightmare. "O-Okay."
Baekhyun starts to giggle behind his hand and Jongdae has to bite down on his upper lip to stop himself from bursting out loud, looking down at his phone.
Kyungoo's phone beeps in his pocket and he takes it out, shaking his head in disbelief once he sees he has two new KakaoTalk messages from Jongdae.
get ready 2 pay
i give them one more week
we'll see about that Kyungsoo types back and goes back to his meal, even though he might end up losing.
✩
Junmyeon frees Kyungsoo from the student council meetings the whole week before the showcase, which is kind of strange, but welcome nonetheless. Kyungsoo practices more than ever and tries not to faint at the thought of singing in front of hundreds of people all on his own for the first time ever. He really has to do this right. This is his only shot of doing what he wants for the rest of his life.
The rehearsals go perfectly smooth and Mrs. Kwon is really helpful with all her tips and encouraging words, giving Kyungsoo pointers on how to deal with the pressure of all those people staring at him during the performance.
One day Kyungsoo overhears from Jongdae that Chanyeol decided it was time he went back to his music, so he takes that as his cue to practice elsewhere so he wouldn't bump into Chanyeol at the music room. He skips classes and eats food from the vending machines, trying to stay away from Chanyeol. He's already feeling anxious and on edge enough as it is; he doesn't need to stress himself even further by seeing Chanyeol. Out of sight, out of mind, he reminds himself.
He doesn't see much of Sehun either, since he and Jongin spend all of their time locked up in the practice rooms, dancing until the early hours of the morning. Kyungsoo even has to drag himself down there to yell at them to make them go to bed, and he lets Sehun stay over, lets the younger curl up against him, his breath steadily fanning against Kyungsoo's neck as he sleeps.
Baekhyun keeps dropping by his room to bring him some real food and to listen to him practice, googling tips on how to warm up his throat before the big performance.
✩
The last few days go by in a blur and suddenly, Kyungsoo is standing on a stage with a microphone in his hands, trying not to squint on instinct when the lights go on. He keeps repeating Mrs. Kwon's words in his head while he waits for the music to start; Don't forget to breathe and focus on one spot for the entire performance. Look above the crowd, it's easier that way. Pretend like this is just another rehearsal.
The intro starts and Kyungsoo counts down the remaining seconds, trying to stop his hands from trembling as he waits, slowly lifting the microphone up to his lips. His voice wavers at the first few lines, but he remembers what's at stake here so he successfully ignores the bile rising up his throat and the anxiousness seeping under his skin; closes his eyes and just sings, allowing himself to get lost in the song.
The applause brings him back to reality and he looks at all the people clapping loudly for him, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He can even hear Jongdae and Baekhyun yell "I wanna have your babies!!!" and he bows before he walks off the stage, holding in his laughter and giddiness the whole time.
Mrs. Kwon jumps at him once he's backstage, hugging him hard enough to break a rip or two and she's all flustered when she pulls back, suddenly remembering that she's his teacher. Sehun and Jongin are next, both of them hugging him and telling him how good he was, and Sehun even manages to peck him on the lips without anyone noticing.
He managed to do it and he didn't even throw up. Now all he has to do is wait to see if he managed to get an audition or not.
They all gather in Kyungsoo's room later that night, Baekhyun bringing his hidden stash of soju and beer to celebrate. Chanyeol is there too (thankfully without Jinah) and he pats him on the shoulder, a small, proud smile on his face.
"You were great. Amazing." Chanyeol whispers in his ear before he leaves and goosebumps raise along Kyungsoo's arms at the sound of his voice. Kyungsoo closes his eyes for a second, breath hitching in his throat as he nods, thanking him quietly.
Sehun stays over after everyone else leaves and Jongin grabs his pillow with him and leaves to give them some privacy, staying over at Taemin's room for the night.
It's late and both of them are exhausted, yet happy and relieved at the same time, satisfied by their own successes. Sehun and Jongin were the highlight of the performance, Kyungsoo thinks. The way they move together in perfect tandem is simply stunning, mesmerizing the entire audience as they bend and move effortlessly along the rhythm of the music playing in the background.
Kyungsoo pulls Sehun on top of him, sliding a knee in between his legs, telling him repeatedly how good he was before he kisses him, slipping his tongue inside to curl it against Sehun's own. Sehun gets embarrassed and starts to giggle against Kyungsoo's lips, trying to pull the blanket over his head to hide his flushed face.
✩
Kyungsoo gets an audition. Baekhyun yells loud enough to make him go deaf on one ear for the rest of the day. Kyungsoo doesn't stop smiling for the rest of the day, even after spotting Chanyeol cuddling with Jinah in the common room.
✩
"So, about that bet," Kyungsoo starts slowly. "It's time to pay up."
Jongdae whines and rests his head on Kyungsoo's knee. It's been a few weeks since the showcase and Chanyeol and Jinah are still together. It's already March and the weather outside is nice, slowly starting to get warmer. Kyungsoo feels almost bad for betting on them, but he knew he was going to win. The thought of Chanyeol and Jinah together doesn't hurt him as much as it used to. He's finally moving on.
"What bet?" Baekhyun perks up, lighting another cigarette as he leans against the railing of the roof.
"I said Chanyeol and Jinah will break up before the showcase, but they are still together, so now I have to suffer," Jongdae huffs, playing idly with Kyungsoo's shoelaces.
"And now he has to suffer," Kyungsoo repeats, grinning darkly, carding his fingers through Jongdae's hair. "I was thinking of making you wear nothing but a pair of panties and make you run through the cafeteria during lunch time, but I have something better in mind."
"Oh God. I have a very bad feeling about this." Jongdae wails loudly and Baekhyun's entire face lights up like a Christmas tree.
Kyungsoo tilts Jongdae's chin up and gives him the sweetest smile he could manage. "You will tell us who 'SH' is and finally introduce us."
Jongdae and Baekhyun both start yelling at the same time-though for different reasons-and Kyungsoo watches with satisfaction as Jongdae's entire life crumbles down before his eyes.
"If I ever have a son I'm gonna name him after you," Baekhyun grins widely, bumping his fist against Kyungsoo's.
"I fucking hate you guys."
✩
Kyungsoo is too busy practicing for the audition, so they decide to meet Jongdae's mystery guy once he's done.
He invites Sehun to come with him and Sehun smiles against his neck, breathing out an "okay" before he slides down and kisses his way down Kyungsoo's chest.
✩
Kyungsoo is surprised to see Chanyeol standing outside of the gates, since it's a school day and he appears to be waiting for someone.
There’s a town car parked in front of him and he’s leaning against the wall as he scrolls through his phone, immediately turning around once he hears Kyungsoo approaching. Chanyeol straightens up, shoves the phone in his pocket and stands awkwardly in front of Kyungsoo, swaying slightly on the balls of his feet.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, uncertainly. He could be waiting for Jinah, Kyungsoo thinks to himself, but he has a feeling that’s not why he’s here. Kyungsoo throws a quick glance around, trying to see if Sehun is around somewhere, but there’s no sign of him anywhere.
“Are you ready to go?” Chanyeol smiles awkwardly and Kyungsoo arches a brow in confusion. “Sehun couldn’t make it. Something came up, so he called me and yeah,” Chanyeol explains, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. “I know we-I mean. You know,” he gestures in between them and Kyungsoo nods, understanding what he wants to say. We are probably no longer friends and we just happen to bump into each other around school and are forced to go to parties together by our mutual best friends, but…yeah. Kyungsoo understands him very well.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo clears his throat. He's going to kill Sehun once he gets back.
“I know this is important for you and I didn’t want you to go alone,” Chanyeol breathes out, puffing out his cheeks as he does. “I hope that’s okay with you.”
“Un, sure,” Kyungsoo nods, giving him a stiff smile. “Is this our car or is it waiting for someone else?”
“Yeah, I called for it this morning. I thought it would be the best, y’know,” Chanyeol returns the smile and motions for Kyungsoo to get inside, reaching out to open the door for him. Kyungsoo thanks him quietly and slips inside, Chanyeol following suit.
“So when does the audition start?” Chanyeol asks after he gives the location to the driver, playing with his hands nervously in his lap.
“Around two. But I wanted to go earlier, just in case,” Kyungsoo says, placing his hands by his sides, back straight and rigid, the awkward atmosphere making him feel uncomfortable. Luckily, the audition isn’t in Seoul so he won’t have to sit with Chanyeol in the same car in complete silence for hours. This way it will only take an hour, maybe less if he’s lucky.
Chanyeol nods before he speaks again, “I think that’s for the best. Make sure you have filled all of the paperwork and warmed up properly.”
Kyungsoo utters a small Yeah and that’s the end of their conversation.
They spend the next forty minutes in silence and Kyungsoo keeps looking out of the window the whole time, watching as the weekend houses start getting smaller as the approach the city, the trees disappearing in a blur, while Chanyeol hums under his breath along to the Dynamic Duo song playing on the radio. It reminds Kyungsoo of all the times they would lock themselves up in the music room to practice songs together, staying in there until it was time for dinner or until someone came looking for them.
Chanyeol had often said how he would become a famous guitar player or a drummer-or maybe both-while Kyungsoo would become a famous singer, traveling the world to hold concerts and touch people with his voice. How they would meet up whenever both of them happened to be in the same place at the same time to catch up over drinks, and one day when both of them had managed to become successful, they would go on a tour together. Maybe play in small bars in Hongdae; Chanyeol playing on the guitar while Kyungsoo sings, whether it’s a cover of one of the dozens songs they’ve practiced over the years or something of their own; doesn’t matter, as long as they are together.
And the thought of it always made Kyungsoo roll his eyes, thinking how Chanyeol was silly to believe that would happen since Kyungsoo’s parents-well, just his dad-would never let him become a singer and Chanyeol would have to go through hell to persuade his to let him go his own way.
“It will be hard, but I’ll manage it somehow,” Chanyeol would say and You always do would be left unspoken from Kyungsoo’s side. Chanyeol’s parents are nice and more understanding than Kyungsoo’s own, and if Yura managed to go into journalism rather than pursuing a career as a lawyer, than Chanyeol could do it too.
Their parents care less about what people think of them and more about their children’s happiness, and sometimes, when Kyungsoo would stay over at their place and got to see how well they function together as a family, he would feel a little twinge of jealousy. The last time Kyungsoo remembers being with his family like that was probably ten years ago; the memories of spending Christmas with his mother and father and Seungsoo had started to fade away a long time ago.
Kyungsoo hasn't heard from his mother in years and if it wasn’t for wife #3’s important lifestyle of partying and being intent on being photographed by the media at all of the important events of the year, Kyungsoo wouldn’t even get to see his father either. Seungsoo is with Seohyun, the two of them waiting for a baby, and between work and Kyungsoo being stuck in a boarding school, it’s hard to see him too.
Kyungsoo wishes he wouldn’t have to sneak out like this and ask Mrs. Kwon to let him have the whole day off so he could go to an audition for the college of his dreams, and go with his family and friends instead, hear encouraging words and receive warm hugs in the hallway as he waits for his turn. And god, the thought of singing in front of four random strangers who would be deciding his future makes him sick to his stomach. He absentmindedly starts to chew on his thumb, thinking of all possible scenarios; he could do well and get in, or puke in front of them and be banished within two seconds.
He lets out a shaky sigh he didn’t realize he’s been holding in and suddenly, Chanyeol’s hand is over his, pulling it in his lap. Kyungsoo turns around, searching for answers and Chanyeol gives him a small, encouraging smile, squeezing on his hand reassuringly. Kyungsoo squeezes back and interlocks their fingers, focusing on the way Chanyeol’s large calloused hand feels curled around his.
Kyungsoo feels even more nervous at the audition than he did at the showcase but he doesn't puke this time, either.
On their way back home from the audition, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol sit side by side in the back seat of the car, close enough for their knees and elbows to be touching. So far, they’ve been getting along well. Most of the time had been spent in silence, but it had been comfortable and soothing unlike the one that always fell upon them a few months ago.
Now after he's gotten the audition out of the way and got to eat, he notices that Chanyeol’s hair is dyed a deep red color and a tattoo-the one he’s been talking about ever since they were sixteen. “Happiness Delight” is written in neat penmanship across the inside of his forearm and Kyungsoo can only see half of it from where the sleeve of his flannel shirt is hiked up. Kyungsoo wonders when he got it and where, wants to reach out and touch it, but he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to and if that would be totally out of line here. He's kind of surprised Baekhyun and Jongdae haven't blabbered about it by now.
“Did it hurt?” He ends up blurting out loud before he could stop himself and Chanyeol turns around to look at him, his brows knit in confusion, and Kyungsoo nods down at his tattoo, giving it a pointed look.
“Ah,” Chanyeol smiles sheepishly, reaching out to push his sleeve further up his arm, revealing the full tattoo. “A bit, but you get used to it after a while,” he shrugs like it’s no big deal and Kyungsoo gives him a small smile. He wishes he could be there for Chanyeol and hold his hand because Chanyeol has never been good at handling pain, and even help him put on ointment afterwards like they always said he would.
“Do you wanna touch it?” Chanyeol asks suddenly and Kyungsoo looks up at him surprised. “It’s okay, go ahead. I know you want to,” he says, voice light and teasing, nudging Kyungsoo with his elbow.
Kyungsoo reaches out, slowly and tentatively, and gently presses his fingertips over the D, trailing them over the rest of the word. There’s nothing unusual about it, but he can feel the way it’s slightly raised; he must've gotten it not so long ago.
“My dad freaked out when he saw it,” Chanyeol starts and Kyungsoo looks up at him again in interest. “He started yelling and screaming at me and threatened to ground me or something, but then he realized he can’t really ground me since I’m stuck in here y’know? Anyway, my mom calmed him down and oh-she really liked it! Yura too! Dad came around to it eventually and even went out to buy me an ointment. Well, he probably told one of the maids to go and get it for him, but it’s the thought that counts,” Chanyeol finishes with a little wink and there’s a fond smile dancing on his lips.
This feels so normal and so right, just like it used to before they drifted apart. “It’s nice. I really like it,” Kyungsoo smiles at him again and Chanyeol returns it, his lips stretching wide over his teeth. “I’m actually surprised you got it, I mean your pain tolerance level is kind of shit,” he teases Chanyeol and the said looks a bit offended at that, faking a gasp as he elbows Kyungsoo’s side.
“That’s not true!” he defends himself, voice loud and slightly high pitched.
“I bet you screamed like a baby,” Kyungsoo continues teasing him, grinning widely when Chanyeol starts to sputter, saying how he’s a man that’s not afraid, or something along those lines. It makes Kyungsoo giggle and the sound slips out of his mouth before he can even try to stop himself, and Chanyeol joins him.
“Okay, so it did hurt. A lot. But I’m still alive so I guess it wasn’t that bad,” Chanyeol says after he’s calmed down a bit, shrugging his shoulders indifferently.
Kyungsoo just shakes his head, a small teasing smile playing at the corners of his lips.
They fall easily into conversation after that, talking about the weather or the shitload of algebra homework they have to finish by the next class. Chanyeol whines and pouts and Kyungsoo clicks his tongue at his childish behavior but promises to help him out over the weekend.
It’s nice, and so surprisingly easy, like these past few months never happened. It was just like their entire friendship has been put on pause and it makes Kyungsoo happy. Just like the good old days.
Sehun doesn't even pretend like he's sorry once Kyungsoo corners him in the school bathroom the next day. He just smiles and slings an arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders, dragging him to the library for their usual study date.
✩
Kyungsoo almost falls off his chair once Jongdae decides to stick up to his end of the deal and brings "SH" over for lunch one day.
"Um, you guys know each other already, but still," Jongdae starts, sounding nervous and breathless and points at the gang all gathered up for this special moment; even Chanyeol bothered to come. "Junmyeon, these are the idiots who made me do this, idiots who made me do this, this is Junmyeon. My boyfriend."
Baekhyun spits his drink all over the table and Chanyeol starts to holler loudly, clapping his hands like a seal. Kyungsoo just sits there, completely shocked. He most definitely did not see this coming.
Junmyeon waves at them awkwardly and sits down when Jongdae brings him a chair. He looks so out of place, standing out from the delinquents (as he once referred to The Gang) around the table with his dorky middle parted hair and properly tucked in shirt.
"Please tell me this is a joke." Kyungsoo deadpans, looking at Jongdae incredulously. "How? Why? When did this happen?!" Jongdae could not be possibly be dating Kim Junmyeon, the principal's son, the posterboy for model students all over the world.
Jongdae and Junmyeon share a look and they both shrug at the same time. "I don't know. We stayed up talking one day after a meeting and we kind of clicked."
"Then why would you keep it a secret? From us of all people?" Baekhyun demands, slamming his fist against the table.
"Seriously dude?" Jongdae gives him a pointed look and Baekhyun glares daggers at him. "You can't keep your mouth shut for longer than two minutes and we don't want his father to find out about us."
"So have you guys done it yet?" Baekhyun asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Everyone on the table groans and Kyungsoo reaches out to smack him on the head. "And then you ask us why we never tell you things." Kyungsoo tsks, shaking his head. "Come on Chanyeol, lets go before the library gets packed." Kyungsoo ignores the incredulous looks on his friends' faces and motions for Chanyeol to get up, who obeys immediately. Just like the good ol' days.
At first, Kyungsoo is a bit skeptical about spending time with Chanyeol. He's still not completely over him, but at least he doesn't feel like jumping out of his own skin like he used to whenever they had to be in the same room together.
They don't really talk, since it's the library and all, but they sit next to each other so Kyungsoo would be able to fix Chanyeol's mistakes from time to time. They easily fall into their usual routine and Kyungsoo doesn't even flinch when Chanyeol's elbow accidentally brushes against his.
✩
The next month is difficult for everyone, especially for Baekhyun who keeps getting into trouble. Lying comes easily for Baekhyun and sometimes he does it without even realizing. It comes in handy a lot these days, since he keeps sneaking out on the roof for a smoke break to relax and unwind, getting caught on his way down.
Kyungsoo and Sehun break up, though it's not exactly a break up since they weren't dating in the first place.
"It's for the best," Sehun says and Kyungsoo nods in understanding. It really is.
Chanyeol breaks up with Jinah too, on the day of Baekhyun's birthday party. He looks really bummed out and Kyungsoo feels genuinely sorry for him.
✩
“It’s going to be the most bitching party of the year!” Jongdae exclaims loudly on their way over and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol both shake their heads in union while Junmyeon's eyes start to sparkle, completely smitten.
“Also the last, thank god,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. He’s been to more parties in high school than he would probably ever go to after he graduates. And they say college is supposed to be about the crazy parties and doing crazy shit.
“Do you always have to complain about everything?” Jongdae tsks next to him and Kyungsoo sighs, shaking his head again. “You are like my mom and grandma all mixed up in a very tiny package.”
“I think the important question here is why I'm still keeping you alive.” Kyungsoo says flatly and Chanyeol laughs, for the first time that day.
Jongdae groans loudly and pushes the door to Baekhyun's house open. "Shut up. It will be the best party ever. You'll see."
“Spin the bottle? How very seventh grade of us,” Kyungsoo mutters darkly at Baekhyun's idea of "BEST PARTY EVER!!!" and Jongdae nudges him in the ribs with his elbow, urging him to sit down.
“Don’t be such a sourpuss, it’s gonna be fun. You take a shot if you don’t want to kiss someone, but you can only do it twice per person. There are no turnbacks the third time,” Jongdae grins widely and it makes Kyungsoo feel a bit uncomfortable. Something smells fishy. Nothing good can come out of whatever Jongdae, the spawn of satan has planned out for tonight.
Chanyeol is sitting right across from him and Kyungsoo swallows nervously; what if he spins and the bottle lands on Chanyeol? They just got back to being friends again and he really doesn't want to ruin this.
Fifteen rounds and three tequila shots later, it’s Kyungsoo’s turn to spin the bottle, and he does it with a heavy sigh, waiting for this whole thing to be over already. He feels pleasantly buzzed, thanks to the alcohol and he licks away the bitterness from his lips as he waits for the bottle to stop spinning.
But the bottle lands directly in front of Chanyeol and it feels like time stops for a second as they both look up at each other in alarm, eyes wide and mouths parted open as they wait for someone to say or do something. A cold shiver goes down Kyungsoo’s spine as the scene of their last kiss from a few months ago flashes before his eyes. He swallows around the lump in his throat; he feels like he's going to throw up.
He motions for Jongdae to give him a shot and he downs it quickly, spinning the bottle again without even looking up to see if Chanyeol is still in the room. His throat burns but he ignores it, along with the scowls on Jongdae’s and Baekhyun’s faces, focused on the way the dark green bottle spins in front of him.
And it looks like the universe is conspiring against him and wants to make him regret the day he was born, because the bottle, yet again, lands on Chanyeol. The reaction is the same, except this time Chanyeol also looks like he’s trying to disappear into his flannel shirt.
“Kiss?” Jongdae whispers in his ear and Kyungsoo shakes his head.
“Shot.”
Kyungsoo is determined to avoid the inevitable for as long as he possibly could, even though he would be lying if he said he doesn’t feel like throwing himself in Chanyeol’s lap to kiss him breathless. He’s been thinking about their last kiss a lot, especially after they (almost) went back to normal. But he can’t-he should’t and that’s exactly what he’s going to do. Nothing.
Kyungsoo spins the bottle for the third time in a row, a bit harder this time, and he sits back on his calves as he waits to see where it lands, praying it would end on the cute girl on Chanyeol’s left that’s been checking him out all night now. He wouldn’t kiss her though, not in front of Chanyeol, at least, but it’s better than trying his hardest not to kiss his best friend.
And for the third time in a row the bottle ends in front of Chanyeol’s feet, and Kyungsoo can feel everyone’s eyes on them as they wait to witness the kiss between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol-the best fucking friends in the entire universe.
“Kiss him!” Jongdae squeaks and everyone else joins him, Baekhyun being the loudest of them all. “No more shots, remember?”
Baekhyun joins Jongdae with a rather vulgar comment and Kyungsoo looks up at Chanyeol, silently asking him if he thinks this would be a good idea. Chanyeol licks his lips nervously but nods, and Kyungsoo nods back, wiping his clammy palms off his jeans before he crawls over to where Chanyeol is sitting, ignoring the stupid chants of “kiss! kiss!” coming from all around them. He exhales shakily as he cups Chanyeol’s cheek, closing the distance to press their lips together.
Kyungsoo’s heart skips a beat when Chanyeol's lips start moving against his, sliding them gently. Chanyeol’s lips are chapped just like they were months ago, warm and wet as he captures Kyungsoo’s bottom lip, tasting like salt and lime and tequila. A familiar jolt of electricity goes down his spine and he focuses on the warmth of Chanyeol’s breath where it steadily fans over his cheek, keeping him aware that this is really happening.
But then he realizes that it is happening and he remembers it shouldn’t be happening so he pulls back first, hoping the others won’t laugh at them or make unnecessary homophobic jokes about their kiss. He only knows four of the people in the room and he doesn’t know what their reactions would be like, but he doesn’t really care, either. Those types of comments have never bothered him before, but he doesn't want Chanyeol to feel uncomfortable. It was only for the sake of the game, after all.
Kyungsoo sits back in his spot on the floor, folding his legs like a pretzel as he waits for the inevitable teasing to happen, avoiding the heaviness of Chanyeol’s gaze on him the whole time. Kyungsoo licks his lips nervously and tastes Chanyeol on his tongue, making him feel even guiltier than before.
But instead of teasing, comes loud cheering and whooping, and when Baekhyun and Jongdae drape themselves over Kyungsoo's back, does he realize this was all their fault. Jongdae was the one who pushed Kyungsoo down on the floor across from Chanyeol and Baekhyun was the one who suggested they play the stupid game. Kyungsoo knows they care about them and have nothing but the best intentions in mind, but this isn’t about them. This is about him and Chanyeol and no one else, and judging by the way Chanyeol’s jaw tightens before he sprints out of the room, Kyungsoo is sure Chanyeol also figured out what just happened here.
Baekhyun’s hands are wrapped tightly around his waist and Kyungsoo can barely breathe, but he manages to untangle himself free and runs after Chanyeol, trying to catch up with him. He follows after Chanyeol through the house and into the kitchen, ignoring the guy passed out underneath the dining room table.
Chanyeol turns around when he hears him approaching and Kyungsoo’s eyes dart down to where his fists are curled in the sleeves of his shirt. He slowly walks over to where Chanyeol is standing as if he were an animal that needs to be approached carefully, not wanting to scare him off and make him run away again.
Kyungsoo’s head is swimming with scary thoughts and he tries to shake them off, tries to think of something appropriate to say for the situation they’re in right now. But before he could say anything or even apologize, Chanyeol speaks up, voice low and rough.
“This was a mistake. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says quietly, eyes still glued to Chanyeol’s fists. “I should’ve realized what was going on sooner and try to stop them. I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo repeats once more and ignores the way his throat is starting to tighten.
Chanyeol is quiet for a while and Kyungsoo can hear him breathe harshly through his nose. Kyungsoo waits for him in silence, not wanting to worsen the situation. His hands are sweaty and so is his back, his shirt clinging to his skin uncomfortably. Chanyeol opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out, and Kyungsoo’s heart sinks to his stomach because there’s nothing left to say anymore, is there? This is it; this is how they end. Five years down the drain, just like that.
“This is so confusing,” Chanyeol starts suddenly and it startles Kyungsoo, lighting a small spark of hope in his chest. “The way I feel about you. Do you remember the first time we got drunk and I told you I loved you?”
Kyungsoo remembers that night clearly, despite his drunken condition. It was at Jongdae’s birthday party and his brother had sent him a package of champagne over to the dorms so he could celebrate with his friends properly, before the standard strict party his parents throw for him every year. Chanyeol got so drunk he could barely stand and Kyungsoo scooted closer and let the older boy rest his head in his lap, carding his fingers through his hair to lull him to sleep. Right before Chanyeol drifted off he told Kyungsoo he loved him.
Of course, back then Kyungsoo had thought Chanyeol was just saying it as a friend who had a bit too much to drink, and smiled down at him, leaning to press his lips against Chanyeol’s forehead to whisper an I love you, too.
“I remember it,” Kyungsoo nods, swallowing down the lump in his throat.
“Well I meant it,” Chanyeol says firmly. “You probably thought I was drunk off my ass to know what I was saying, but it was true. I meant it. I think I’ve always loved you, Kyungsoo. I think it was love at first sight because I was immediately drawn to you, even though I was thirteen and naïve, and it killed me when I heard you say we would never be more than just friends.”
Kyungsoo takes a moment to let Chanyeol’s words sink in, trying to wrap his head around the fact that he unknowingly lead Chanyeol on for so long. How could he not realize what was going on all this time?
“I needed to move on because the pain of loving you was too much to deal with. And I did, or at least that's what I thought until now. You don't know what it's like to love your best fucking friend and not being able to tell him how you feel. It hurts so much, Kyungsoo. I hope you never get to experience that," Chanyeol shakes his head, covering his face with his hands.
"I already do," Kyungsoo says quietly and pries Chanyeol's hands away. "And I know how awful and painful it is; not being able to hold your hand or kiss you."
"W-What?" Chanyeol stutters, looking completely taken aback by Kyungsoo's words. He doesn't pull back when Kyungsoo steps closer.
"I love you," Kyungsoo can feel tears well up in his eyes. "It took me five years to realize and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Chanyeol. I'm sorry."
Kyungsoo looks down at their feet, repeating I'm sorry over and over again until Chanyeol tilts his head up and steps closer, starting to nose along his cheek. Kyungsoo shudders, thinking his knees might give up on him at any moment.
Then Chanyeol's lips are pressing against his and he tries not to whimper out loud, scrunching his eyes shut because shit-Chanyeol is kissing him! Chanyeol sucks on his lower lip, nipping on it gently as he wraps his arms around his waist to keep him upright.
Kyungsoo groans into it, fisting his hands in Chanyeol's hair to pull him down, deepening the kiss. He kisses Chanyeol hard, wanting to make sure all of his words that are messed up in his head slip off the tip of his tongue and roll over to Chanyeol's, make sure Chanyeol knows how sorry he is. His heart tightens like it might explode and he feels like he's drowning, kissing Chanyeol desperately like he's the only thing that's keeping him alive and his lungs from collapsing.
"Wait," Chanyeol breathes out once he suddenly pulls back and Kyungsoo's heart sinks to his stomach. "I need some time to think. This is so-" he trails off and Kyungsoo nods, squeezing on Chanyeol's hand before he lets him walk away.
→ PART 5
It's snowing outside when Kyungsoo wakes up. The curtains are drawn open and the sunlight falling over his face makes him squint, groaning loudly when he feels the way his head is pounding. Shit. He's never drinking again.
Once his eyes get adjusted to the brightness, he looks around the unfamiliar room he's in. It's definitely a boy's room, judging by the deep blue wallpapers and the posters of soccer players stuck here and there, the piles of jeans poorly hidden behind the closet door, not to mention the stack of porn stashed underneath the desk.
Baekhyun is snoring lightly next to him, curled in on himself with his thumb under his mouth and Kyungsoo wishes he wasn't so dead and unwilling to search for his phone; just one picture of Baekhyun sleeping like a baby would provide endless years of entertainment and blackmail material.
Baekhyun smacks his lips a few times in his dream as he rolls over, throwing a leg over Kyungsoo's knees to snuggle against him. Kyungsoo can't help but smile affectionately, carding his fingers through Baekhyun's hair to push it back from his forehead. Baekhyun has always been a cuddly sleeper. There's a bump on his forehead and Kyungsoo gently traces over it with his thumb, pulling his hand back once Baekhyun winces, nose scrunching up in his sleep. What the hell happened last night?
Kyungsoo tries to think back at the events from last night, trying to remember what exactly happened after he came here. He remembers the loud gasp Sehun had made when he took him into his mouth and the way his whole body shuddered as he came, remembers pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth before dropping him off downstairs, looking absolutely disheveled. Then he remembers taking a cab, doing shots with Baekhyun in the kitchen and that's when things start to get really blurry. He remembers feeling antsy and the way the alcohol burned down his throat, but kept drinking nonetheless.
He flops back against the bed, heaving a sigh and rubbing at his eyes with his knuckles when it hits him. Chanyeol. He told Baekhyun he thinks he's in love with Chanyeol. And Baekhyun started screaming and threw himself at Kyungsoo, making him stumble backwards and fall down, dragging Baekhyun along with him. Kyungsoo remembers Baekhyun wailing in pain but he was too shitfaced to pay attention to what was happening.
Fuck. All Kyungsoo can do now is hope Baekhyun got really drunk last night and won't remember anything that happened when he wakes up.
✩
Tirteen year old Kyungsoo is annoyed by Chanyeol and the way he talks louder than necessary, or the way he chews with his mouth open. He calls Kyungsoo cute and tries to pinch his round cheeks, making Kyungsoo punch him in the stomach every single time.They somehow, against all odds, end up becoming best friends.
Fourteen year old Kyungsoo is still annoyed by Chanyeol and everything he does, but he also realizes how glad he is that Chanyeol managed to stick around and become a constant part of his life. Fourteen year old Kyungsoo also realizes for the first time that he loves Chanyeol.
Chanyeol accidentally steps all over Kyungsoo's sand castle and keeps apologizing profusely for being so tall and unable to control his limbs. It's childish-from the way Kyungsoo tries to entertain himself that boring summer day, to the way Chanyeol spends six hours trying to make a new, even bigger castle so Kyungsoo would forgive him.
Kyungsoo does forgive him, and hugs him really tight, inhaling the smell of sweat and sunscreen on Chanyeol's skin, murmuring out You are so fucking ridiculous, Park. What would I do without you? in his ear.
Kyungsoo still remembers the light dusting of freckles along Chanyeol's nose and cheeks, and how red his shoulders had been from the sun at the moment when he had realized just how much he loved Chanyeol. He vowed to himself to keep Chanyeol as his best friend for the rest of his life.
Now, Kyungsoo is a few weeks shy of turning nineteen, and he realizes that he's in love with Chanyeol, which is a much bigger and much different thing than loving Chanyeol just as a friend.
He wants to kiss Chanyeol and hold his hand and even cuddle with him in bed, and fuck-Do Kyungsoo doesn't do cuddling. This is much bigger than the first time he dropped down to his knees and sucked Chanyeol's dick, or the time they first had sex together, tangled up in the sheets on Baekhyun's bed out of spite.
Chanyeol used to joke about it back in the days, saying how they'll remain being best friends even though they've done things (on numerous occasions) that normal friends don't usually do. "What's a friend for if he doesn't lend a helping hand from time to time," Baekhyun used to say and Chanyeol would just ignore him, blabbering about getting married and how their children will also be best friends, saying stuff like "I want you to be the best man at my wedding". Kyungsoo used to roll his eyes at how ridiculous he had been, but now, Kyungsoo wants to be the person standing next to Chanyeol in front of the altar instead of being in the sidelines, feeling happy for his best friend.
He isn't in love with the constant attention Chanyeol used to give him. He's in love with Chanyeol and everything that makes him who he is, from the way he walks with his back hunched a little, still not used to the sudden growth spurt, even though it's been years since puberty hit him, to the callouses on his hands from playing on his guitars all the time and the ridiculous amount of Rilakkuma plushies lined up in a specific order on his bed, along with his never ending collection of snapbacks.
Now it all makes sense. He doesn't like Jinah, but not because he couldn't figure her out, or because his best friend instincts came to life whenever she did or said something that proved she wasn't the perfect fit for Chanyeol; it's because he wants to be in her place. He wants to be the person that holds Chanyeol's hand and makes him smile constantly. All that anger and inexplicable jealousy he felt up till now was because he loved Chanyeol and missed having him in his life.
But he's not so sure where he stands with Chanyeol. They talk from time to time (when necessary) but they're not exactly friends either, and it's killing him. God, he was so stupid. He screwed everything up and now he has to pay the price.
If only there was a way for him to fix things or stop thinking about Chanyeol and the way his lips had felt pressed against his that night.
✩
"Mornin' lover boy," Jongdae greets cheerfully, opening the door to Kyungsoo's bedroom with a shit-eating grin on his face.
Kyungsoo groans and buries his face in his pillow. Kyungsoo left that guy's house before Baekhyun had the chance to wake up and interrogate him, but he didn't know he would be so quick to tell Jongdae about it. But knowing Baekhyun, he probably texted Jongdae as soon as the words left Kyungsoo's mouth, using one hand to hug Kyungsoo while pulling his phone out of his pocket with the other one.
It's been only a few hours since he woke up and Kyungsoo called his driver to take him home, thankful his father and his wife weren't there to greet him. He can't deal with them so early in the morning with a hangover as bad as the new peach colored wallpapers in the living room.
"Fuck off," Kyungsoo mumbles into his pillow when Jongdae sits on the back of his thighs and starts to jump up and down excitedly. Ugh, it's too early for this shit. "I don't wanna talk about it. Let me die in peace, will ya?"
"Get up sunshine. There's breakfast waiting for you downstairs," Jongdae ignores Kyungsoo's protests and hops off the bed, yanking the doors of Kyungsoo's closet open. "Do you have a shirt that's not black or plain simple? What's wrong with colors and patterns? Is it against the rules of the secret Worship Satan club you're in?"
"Why the fuck do you care? My clothes, not yours." Kyungsoo argues as he covers his head with the blankets. "And what the fuck are you doing here?"
"I came to keep you company so you wouldn't have to wallow alone in your sadness," comes Jongdae's voice from the bathroom and Kyungsoo stops trying to tune him out and go back to sleep. The damage has been done; he's already fully awake and dying.
"I'm not gonna wallow alone in my sadness, because I'm not sad, so you can go home now. Bye," Kyungsoo waves him off after he's managed to get out of bed and drag himself over to the bathroom where Jongdae is too busy checking himself out in the mirror. He's wearing an oversized Illionaire t-shirt that looks very familiar but Kyungsoo doesn't remember buying it. Bile rises up his throat once he remembers Chanyeol forgot it in here during summer break. He feels like puking again.
"So what's your plan for this?" Jongdae asks around a mouthful of cereal during breakfast in Kyungsoo's kitchen.
"Why do I need a plan?" Kyungsoo frowns and downs his second aspirin for the day. "Just because I...you know..." he makes a pointed face instead of saying it out loud again. Admitting it once was more than enough. "doesn't mean I should do something about it. I'm gonna let it die on its own."
"You're not gonna tell him about it?" Jongdae gasps loudly and almost chokes on his food.
"Why would I? It's not like he'll come running back to me with open arms, or anything. I mean he has a girlfriend now."
"So? She's not gonna be around forever." Jongdae says matter-of-factly, giving him a cat-like smile. "They've been arguing a lot lately. I bet they'll break up before the showcase."
"Okay. Let's bet on it," Kyungsoo rubs his hands together as he leans back in his seat, filing the information Jongdae just shared with him for later. "If they break up before the showcase I'll do whatever you want, but if they break up after, you'll have to do what I want. Deal?"
"Deal."
✩
Kyungsoo spends the rest of his break at home, texting Sehun and Jongin while watching movies and meeting up with his brother and Seohyun, helping them pick a color for the nursery room, trying to keep himself preoccupied so he wouldn't think about Chanyeol.
Jongdae comes back a few days before Kyungsoo's birthday, bringing in backup this time.
"Are you gonna break up with your boyfriend now?" Baekhyun asks curiously from where he's lying on the floor in Kyungsoo's living room.
"He's not my boyfriend," Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, pausing the game he's playing with Jongdae. "And no. Why would I?"
"Because you're in love with someone else, of course." Baekhyun says slowly as if he's talking to a child. Kyungsoo winces at his words. He still hasn't fully wrapped his head around the idea of being in love with Chanyeol.
"That doesn't change anything, because I've been..." he waves it off again, "for a very long time now, so I don't see how it should be a problem. And it's not like what I have going on with Sehun is anything serious."
"But why won't you talk to Chanyeol about it?" Baekhyun whines and starts to pull on Kyungsoo's feet, trying to take his socks off. "You will have to see them smooching around school once the break is over. Won't that bother you?"
"Christ, Baekhyun." Kyungsoo sighs exasperatedly. "Can we pretend like this never happened?"
"No, we can't. This is serious Kyungsoo. You can't get drunk all the time and try to forget about it." Jongdae speaks quietly and Kyungsoo crosses his arms across his chest; he knows his friends are right. But it's not like he could walk up to Chanyeol and be all hey bro, I know I broke your heart but it's okay because I'm in love with you now haha. He's not even sure whether Chanyeol is still in love with him or not.
✩
Baekhyun and Jongdae take him out for his birthday, taking him to a strip club again to celebrate, and buy him a lap dance in one of the VIP rooms. Seungsoo takes him out for lunch the next day and Kyungsoo hopes he managed to wash off all the glitter and confetti from his hair. Seungsoo would laugh at him and so would Seohyun, but he doesn't want to embarrass himself like that in front of them. He's supposed to be an adult now, anyway.
He gets a message from Chanyeol, wishing him happy birthday and Kyungsoo's heart keeps beating wildly for the rest of the day.
Jongin drops by a few days later and he stays over for a few days, watching movies and ordering copious amounts of fried chicken-the usual. Jongdae and Baekhyun are spending the week over at Chanyeol's, explaining to Kyungsoo how it wouldn't be fair if they stuck around only at his place, and Kyungsoo gets it. It's like he and Chanyeol are the divorced couple, while dumb and dumber are their kids that have to spend time with both their parents during the holidays. Usually the four of them would spend their Christmas break at Chanyeol's place, but after the whole not-being-friends-anymore thing, Kyungsoo decided to skip Christmas at the Park residence this year.
Sehun joins him as soon as he comes back from his skiing trip and he once again proves himself to be an excellent distraction from everything that's been happening lately. They spend the whole time alone making out lazily in front of the TV and playing video games.
✩
Kyungsoo doesn't see much of Chanyeol once school starts. He stops showing up for breakfast and Kyungsoo is too busy practicing his solo for the showcase and studying to even ask Jongdae or Baekhyun about his whereabouts.
Mrs. Kwon somehow manages to get Yoo Young Jin to let him sing one of his unreleased songs and Kyungsoo doesn't stop thanking her whenever he sees her for a week. He spends most of his time locked up in the music room listening to the demo version and singing along to it as he does his homework. And between studying for the final exams and practicing, Kyungsoo slowly starts to feel like he's getting over Chanyeol. Out of sight, out of mind.
That is, until one day he's forced to sit and watch Chanyeol and Jinah be all happy and gross together in front of him.
"Where the hell are our cabs? I called an hour ago!" Jongdae huffs angrily, checking his watch for the nth time since the six of them met up in the lobby, ready to go out.
"Call them again." Baekhyun suggests, playing anxiously with the cigarette box in his hands.
"Should I call my driver? He can pick us up with the limo." Jinah shrugs and bats her eyelashes cutely at Chanyeol who's been holding her hand the whole damn time since they got here. It's making Kyungsoo feel restless again.
"We'll have to wait for them too. I'm sure the cabs will be here any minute now." Kyungsoo says and she nods, agreeing with him. He feels Chanyeol's eyes on him and he turns his head away before they would make eye contact.
Jongdae starts to argue about something with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo tunes them out, bouncing his leg up and down. He feels like he will go insane if they don't start moving soon. Agreeing to go out when he knew the two of them would be coming along was such a horrible idea.
Sehun places a hand on his knee and leans in to whisper in his ear. "Calm down," he says quietly so the others wouldn't be able to overhear him. He slings an arm over Kyungsoo's shoulders too, and starts to play with the short hair at his nape absentmindedly. It's kind of soothing. "We can ditch 'em and go to the movies on our own."
"That's a good idea," Kyungsoo smiles and rests his head on Sehun's shoulder. "I'd like that."
Sehun smiles back at him as he pulls him closer and a part of Kyungsoo is hoping Chanyeol sees them and gets upset because of it. He keeps his eyes closed while they wait, enjoying the way Sehun's fingers trace patterns and letters and drawings of the sun onto the skin of his neck.
Fifteen minutes later, as they’re walking towards the cars waiting for them in front of the school gates, Sehun speaks up.
“Are you sure you wanna go?” Sehun asks, and god, it makes Kyungsoo feel so bad and like such a shitty friend with benefits.
He fakes a smile that would hopefully fool Sehun as he speaks. “Yeah, why?”
Sehun hesitates for a moment and purses his lips in thought, looking like he's going to mention something about the way Chanyeol had pecked Jinah on the cheek earlier, but at the end he settles for slinging his arm over Kyungsoo’s shoulders and a “nothing”.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo tugs on the back of Sehun’s jacket to make him stop walking and reaches out to cup his face in his hand. “I’ll be fine,” he tries to reassure Sehun who frowns.
“We can stay in if you want,” Sehun says quickly. “Watch some movies or something. Or maybe you can practice some more, and I can catch up with my English essay, I don’t mind. We can go out next week.”
Fuck. Why must Sehun be so nice. He shouldn't have to worry over Kyungsoo's inability to deal with human emotions (Baekhyun's words, not his) and ruin his day because of it. Kyungsoo swallows down the bile rising up his throat before continuing, giving Sehun the best smile he can muster up at the moment.
“No, no,” Kyungsoo quickly reassures him, stepping closer. He wraps his free hand over Sehun’s and squeezes on it. “Don’t worry so much, okay? I’m fine.”
When Sehun pouts in response, Kyungsoo stands on his tiptoes to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth, feeling the way it immediately curls up into a smile. Usually, Kyungsoo would be worried about kissing Sehun like this in the open, since the school isn’t so keen on PDA, especially when it comes to students of the same gender, but it’s Saturday afternoon and they’re the last ones to leave, so it's okay. Everyone else is either inside, all huddled up togethr in the common rooms or already sitting comfortably in their expensive town cars.
“Now come on,” he inches closer to Sehun’s mouth and kisses him softly, square on the lips. “We better hurry up if we don’t want to miss our ride to freedom.”
Jinah says something during lunch that makes Kyungsoo reconsider the bet he made with Jongdae.
"I can't wait for spring," Jinah suddenly announces and Kyungsoo looks up at her curiously. "I wanna go to Everland." She pouts and turns around to look at Chanyeol like a kicked puppy. The way Chanyeol's face turns green at the mention of Everland makes Kyungsoo smile in satisfaction. Jongdae nudges Baekhyun's elbow, waiting for Chanyeol to puke all over the table.
Chanyeol hates amusement parks. Two years ago they went on a field trip to Disneyland and Kyungsoo had spent the whole time sitting on a bench by the fountains while Chanyeol repeatedly emptied out the contents of his stomach after a ride on one of the smaller roller coasters.
"I’m never going to an amusement park. Ever,” Chanyeol had groaned out, clutching on his aching tummy and Kyungsoo patted him on the shoulder warily from a safe distance, nose wrinkled at the stench of vomit by his feet.
Chanyeol still claims his stomach turns upside down at the mere mention of amusement parks.
"E-Everland?" Chanyeol chuckles sheepishly. "We can go now. It's pretty during the winter."
"But all of the rides are closed," Jinah says. "Promise me you'll take me on a romantic date once they open again."
Chanyeol sets his lips in a thin line and nods stiffly, the chopsticks he's holding in his hand starting to shake at the thought of reliving his biggest nightmare. "O-Okay."
Baekhyun starts to giggle behind his hand and Jongdae has to bite down on his upper lip to stop himself from bursting out loud, looking down at his phone.
Kyungoo's phone beeps in his pocket and he takes it out, shaking his head in disbelief once he sees he has two new KakaoTalk messages from Jongdae.
get ready 2 pay
i give them one more week
we'll see about that Kyungsoo types back and goes back to his meal, even though he might end up losing.
✩
Junmyeon frees Kyungsoo from the student council meetings the whole week before the showcase, which is kind of strange, but welcome nonetheless. Kyungsoo practices more than ever and tries not to faint at the thought of singing in front of hundreds of people all on his own for the first time ever. He really has to do this right. This is his only shot of doing what he wants for the rest of his life.
The rehearsals go perfectly smooth and Mrs. Kwon is really helpful with all her tips and encouraging words, giving Kyungsoo pointers on how to deal with the pressure of all those people staring at him during the performance.
One day Kyungsoo overhears from Jongdae that Chanyeol decided it was time he went back to his music, so he takes that as his cue to practice elsewhere so he wouldn't bump into Chanyeol at the music room. He skips classes and eats food from the vending machines, trying to stay away from Chanyeol. He's already feeling anxious and on edge enough as it is; he doesn't need to stress himself even further by seeing Chanyeol. Out of sight, out of mind, he reminds himself.
He doesn't see much of Sehun either, since he and Jongin spend all of their time locked up in the practice rooms, dancing until the early hours of the morning. Kyungsoo even has to drag himself down there to yell at them to make them go to bed, and he lets Sehun stay over, lets the younger curl up against him, his breath steadily fanning against Kyungsoo's neck as he sleeps.
Baekhyun keeps dropping by his room to bring him some real food and to listen to him practice, googling tips on how to warm up his throat before the big performance.
✩
The last few days go by in a blur and suddenly, Kyungsoo is standing on a stage with a microphone in his hands, trying not to squint on instinct when the lights go on. He keeps repeating Mrs. Kwon's words in his head while he waits for the music to start; Don't forget to breathe and focus on one spot for the entire performance. Look above the crowd, it's easier that way. Pretend like this is just another rehearsal.
The intro starts and Kyungsoo counts down the remaining seconds, trying to stop his hands from trembling as he waits, slowly lifting the microphone up to his lips. His voice wavers at the first few lines, but he remembers what's at stake here so he successfully ignores the bile rising up his throat and the anxiousness seeping under his skin; closes his eyes and just sings, allowing himself to get lost in the song.
The applause brings him back to reality and he looks at all the people clapping loudly for him, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He can even hear Jongdae and Baekhyun yell "I wanna have your babies!!!" and he bows before he walks off the stage, holding in his laughter and giddiness the whole time.
Mrs. Kwon jumps at him once he's backstage, hugging him hard enough to break a rip or two and she's all flustered when she pulls back, suddenly remembering that she's his teacher. Sehun and Jongin are next, both of them hugging him and telling him how good he was, and Sehun even manages to peck him on the lips without anyone noticing.
He managed to do it and he didn't even throw up. Now all he has to do is wait to see if he managed to get an audition or not.
They all gather in Kyungsoo's room later that night, Baekhyun bringing his hidden stash of soju and beer to celebrate. Chanyeol is there too (thankfully without Jinah) and he pats him on the shoulder, a small, proud smile on his face.
"You were great. Amazing." Chanyeol whispers in his ear before he leaves and goosebumps raise along Kyungsoo's arms at the sound of his voice. Kyungsoo closes his eyes for a second, breath hitching in his throat as he nods, thanking him quietly.
Sehun stays over after everyone else leaves and Jongin grabs his pillow with him and leaves to give them some privacy, staying over at Taemin's room for the night.
It's late and both of them are exhausted, yet happy and relieved at the same time, satisfied by their own successes. Sehun and Jongin were the highlight of the performance, Kyungsoo thinks. The way they move together in perfect tandem is simply stunning, mesmerizing the entire audience as they bend and move effortlessly along the rhythm of the music playing in the background.
Kyungsoo pulls Sehun on top of him, sliding a knee in between his legs, telling him repeatedly how good he was before he kisses him, slipping his tongue inside to curl it against Sehun's own. Sehun gets embarrassed and starts to giggle against Kyungsoo's lips, trying to pull the blanket over his head to hide his flushed face.
✩
Kyungsoo gets an audition. Baekhyun yells loud enough to make him go deaf on one ear for the rest of the day. Kyungsoo doesn't stop smiling for the rest of the day, even after spotting Chanyeol cuddling with Jinah in the common room.
✩
"So, about that bet," Kyungsoo starts slowly. "It's time to pay up."
Jongdae whines and rests his head on Kyungsoo's knee. It's been a few weeks since the showcase and Chanyeol and Jinah are still together. It's already March and the weather outside is nice, slowly starting to get warmer. Kyungsoo feels almost bad for betting on them, but he knew he was going to win. The thought of Chanyeol and Jinah together doesn't hurt him as much as it used to. He's finally moving on.
"What bet?" Baekhyun perks up, lighting another cigarette as he leans against the railing of the roof.
"I said Chanyeol and Jinah will break up before the showcase, but they are still together, so now I have to suffer," Jongdae huffs, playing idly with Kyungsoo's shoelaces.
"And now he has to suffer," Kyungsoo repeats, grinning darkly, carding his fingers through Jongdae's hair. "I was thinking of making you wear nothing but a pair of panties and make you run through the cafeteria during lunch time, but I have something better in mind."
"Oh God. I have a very bad feeling about this." Jongdae wails loudly and Baekhyun's entire face lights up like a Christmas tree.
Kyungsoo tilts Jongdae's chin up and gives him the sweetest smile he could manage. "You will tell us who 'SH' is and finally introduce us."
Jongdae and Baekhyun both start yelling at the same time-though for different reasons-and Kyungsoo watches with satisfaction as Jongdae's entire life crumbles down before his eyes.
"If I ever have a son I'm gonna name him after you," Baekhyun grins widely, bumping his fist against Kyungsoo's.
"I fucking hate you guys."
✩
Kyungsoo is too busy practicing for the audition, so they decide to meet Jongdae's mystery guy once he's done.
He invites Sehun to come with him and Sehun smiles against his neck, breathing out an "okay" before he slides down and kisses his way down Kyungsoo's chest.
✩
Kyungsoo is surprised to see Chanyeol standing outside of the gates, since it's a school day and he appears to be waiting for someone.
There’s a town car parked in front of him and he’s leaning against the wall as he scrolls through his phone, immediately turning around once he hears Kyungsoo approaching. Chanyeol straightens up, shoves the phone in his pocket and stands awkwardly in front of Kyungsoo, swaying slightly on the balls of his feet.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, uncertainly. He could be waiting for Jinah, Kyungsoo thinks to himself, but he has a feeling that’s not why he’s here. Kyungsoo throws a quick glance around, trying to see if Sehun is around somewhere, but there’s no sign of him anywhere.
“Are you ready to go?” Chanyeol smiles awkwardly and Kyungsoo arches a brow in confusion. “Sehun couldn’t make it. Something came up, so he called me and yeah,” Chanyeol explains, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. “I know we-I mean. You know,” he gestures in between them and Kyungsoo nods, understanding what he wants to say. We are probably no longer friends and we just happen to bump into each other around school and are forced to go to parties together by our mutual best friends, but…yeah. Kyungsoo understands him very well.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo clears his throat. He's going to kill Sehun once he gets back.
“I know this is important for you and I didn’t want you to go alone,” Chanyeol breathes out, puffing out his cheeks as he does. “I hope that’s okay with you.”
“Un, sure,” Kyungsoo nods, giving him a stiff smile. “Is this our car or is it waiting for someone else?”
“Yeah, I called for it this morning. I thought it would be the best, y’know,” Chanyeol returns the smile and motions for Kyungsoo to get inside, reaching out to open the door for him. Kyungsoo thanks him quietly and slips inside, Chanyeol following suit.
“So when does the audition start?” Chanyeol asks after he gives the location to the driver, playing with his hands nervously in his lap.
“Around two. But I wanted to go earlier, just in case,” Kyungsoo says, placing his hands by his sides, back straight and rigid, the awkward atmosphere making him feel uncomfortable. Luckily, the audition isn’t in Seoul so he won’t have to sit with Chanyeol in the same car in complete silence for hours. This way it will only take an hour, maybe less if he’s lucky.
Chanyeol nods before he speaks again, “I think that’s for the best. Make sure you have filled all of the paperwork and warmed up properly.”
Kyungsoo utters a small Yeah and that’s the end of their conversation.
They spend the next forty minutes in silence and Kyungsoo keeps looking out of the window the whole time, watching as the weekend houses start getting smaller as the approach the city, the trees disappearing in a blur, while Chanyeol hums under his breath along to the Dynamic Duo song playing on the radio. It reminds Kyungsoo of all the times they would lock themselves up in the music room to practice songs together, staying in there until it was time for dinner or until someone came looking for them.
Chanyeol had often said how he would become a famous guitar player or a drummer-or maybe both-while Kyungsoo would become a famous singer, traveling the world to hold concerts and touch people with his voice. How they would meet up whenever both of them happened to be in the same place at the same time to catch up over drinks, and one day when both of them had managed to become successful, they would go on a tour together. Maybe play in small bars in Hongdae; Chanyeol playing on the guitar while Kyungsoo sings, whether it’s a cover of one of the dozens songs they’ve practiced over the years or something of their own; doesn’t matter, as long as they are together.
And the thought of it always made Kyungsoo roll his eyes, thinking how Chanyeol was silly to believe that would happen since Kyungsoo’s parents-well, just his dad-would never let him become a singer and Chanyeol would have to go through hell to persuade his to let him go his own way.
“It will be hard, but I’ll manage it somehow,” Chanyeol would say and You always do would be left unspoken from Kyungsoo’s side. Chanyeol’s parents are nice and more understanding than Kyungsoo’s own, and if Yura managed to go into journalism rather than pursuing a career as a lawyer, than Chanyeol could do it too.
Their parents care less about what people think of them and more about their children’s happiness, and sometimes, when Kyungsoo would stay over at their place and got to see how well they function together as a family, he would feel a little twinge of jealousy. The last time Kyungsoo remembers being with his family like that was probably ten years ago; the memories of spending Christmas with his mother and father and Seungsoo had started to fade away a long time ago.
Kyungsoo hasn't heard from his mother in years and if it wasn’t for wife #3’s important lifestyle of partying and being intent on being photographed by the media at all of the important events of the year, Kyungsoo wouldn’t even get to see his father either. Seungsoo is with Seohyun, the two of them waiting for a baby, and between work and Kyungsoo being stuck in a boarding school, it’s hard to see him too.
Kyungsoo wishes he wouldn’t have to sneak out like this and ask Mrs. Kwon to let him have the whole day off so he could go to an audition for the college of his dreams, and go with his family and friends instead, hear encouraging words and receive warm hugs in the hallway as he waits for his turn. And god, the thought of singing in front of four random strangers who would be deciding his future makes him sick to his stomach. He absentmindedly starts to chew on his thumb, thinking of all possible scenarios; he could do well and get in, or puke in front of them and be banished within two seconds.
He lets out a shaky sigh he didn’t realize he’s been holding in and suddenly, Chanyeol’s hand is over his, pulling it in his lap. Kyungsoo turns around, searching for answers and Chanyeol gives him a small, encouraging smile, squeezing on his hand reassuringly. Kyungsoo squeezes back and interlocks their fingers, focusing on the way Chanyeol’s large calloused hand feels curled around his.
Kyungsoo feels even more nervous at the audition than he did at the showcase but he doesn't puke this time, either.
On their way back home from the audition, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol sit side by side in the back seat of the car, close enough for their knees and elbows to be touching. So far, they’ve been getting along well. Most of the time had been spent in silence, but it had been comfortable and soothing unlike the one that always fell upon them a few months ago.
Now after he's gotten the audition out of the way and got to eat, he notices that Chanyeol’s hair is dyed a deep red color and a tattoo-the one he’s been talking about ever since they were sixteen. “Happiness Delight” is written in neat penmanship across the inside of his forearm and Kyungsoo can only see half of it from where the sleeve of his flannel shirt is hiked up. Kyungsoo wonders when he got it and where, wants to reach out and touch it, but he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to and if that would be totally out of line here. He's kind of surprised Baekhyun and Jongdae haven't blabbered about it by now.
“Did it hurt?” He ends up blurting out loud before he could stop himself and Chanyeol turns around to look at him, his brows knit in confusion, and Kyungsoo nods down at his tattoo, giving it a pointed look.
“Ah,” Chanyeol smiles sheepishly, reaching out to push his sleeve further up his arm, revealing the full tattoo. “A bit, but you get used to it after a while,” he shrugs like it’s no big deal and Kyungsoo gives him a small smile. He wishes he could be there for Chanyeol and hold his hand because Chanyeol has never been good at handling pain, and even help him put on ointment afterwards like they always said he would.
“Do you wanna touch it?” Chanyeol asks suddenly and Kyungsoo looks up at him surprised. “It’s okay, go ahead. I know you want to,” he says, voice light and teasing, nudging Kyungsoo with his elbow.
Kyungsoo reaches out, slowly and tentatively, and gently presses his fingertips over the D, trailing them over the rest of the word. There’s nothing unusual about it, but he can feel the way it’s slightly raised; he must've gotten it not so long ago.
“My dad freaked out when he saw it,” Chanyeol starts and Kyungsoo looks up at him again in interest. “He started yelling and screaming at me and threatened to ground me or something, but then he realized he can’t really ground me since I’m stuck in here y’know? Anyway, my mom calmed him down and oh-she really liked it! Yura too! Dad came around to it eventually and even went out to buy me an ointment. Well, he probably told one of the maids to go and get it for him, but it’s the thought that counts,” Chanyeol finishes with a little wink and there’s a fond smile dancing on his lips.
This feels so normal and so right, just like it used to before they drifted apart. “It’s nice. I really like it,” Kyungsoo smiles at him again and Chanyeol returns it, his lips stretching wide over his teeth. “I’m actually surprised you got it, I mean your pain tolerance level is kind of shit,” he teases Chanyeol and the said looks a bit offended at that, faking a gasp as he elbows Kyungsoo’s side.
“That’s not true!” he defends himself, voice loud and slightly high pitched.
“I bet you screamed like a baby,” Kyungsoo continues teasing him, grinning widely when Chanyeol starts to sputter, saying how he’s a man that’s not afraid, or something along those lines. It makes Kyungsoo giggle and the sound slips out of his mouth before he can even try to stop himself, and Chanyeol joins him.
“Okay, so it did hurt. A lot. But I’m still alive so I guess it wasn’t that bad,” Chanyeol says after he’s calmed down a bit, shrugging his shoulders indifferently.
Kyungsoo just shakes his head, a small teasing smile playing at the corners of his lips.
They fall easily into conversation after that, talking about the weather or the shitload of algebra homework they have to finish by the next class. Chanyeol whines and pouts and Kyungsoo clicks his tongue at his childish behavior but promises to help him out over the weekend.
It’s nice, and so surprisingly easy, like these past few months never happened. It was just like their entire friendship has been put on pause and it makes Kyungsoo happy. Just like the good old days.
Sehun doesn't even pretend like he's sorry once Kyungsoo corners him in the school bathroom the next day. He just smiles and slings an arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders, dragging him to the library for their usual study date.
✩
Kyungsoo almost falls off his chair once Jongdae decides to stick up to his end of the deal and brings "SH" over for lunch one day.
"Um, you guys know each other already, but still," Jongdae starts, sounding nervous and breathless and points at the gang all gathered up for this special moment; even Chanyeol bothered to come. "Junmyeon, these are the idiots who made me do this, idiots who made me do this, this is Junmyeon. My boyfriend."
Baekhyun spits his drink all over the table and Chanyeol starts to holler loudly, clapping his hands like a seal. Kyungsoo just sits there, completely shocked. He most definitely did not see this coming.
Junmyeon waves at them awkwardly and sits down when Jongdae brings him a chair. He looks so out of place, standing out from the delinquents (as he once referred to The Gang) around the table with his dorky middle parted hair and properly tucked in shirt.
"Please tell me this is a joke." Kyungsoo deadpans, looking at Jongdae incredulously. "How? Why? When did this happen?!" Jongdae could not be possibly be dating Kim Junmyeon, the principal's son, the posterboy for model students all over the world.
Jongdae and Junmyeon share a look and they both shrug at the same time. "I don't know. We stayed up talking one day after a meeting and we kind of clicked."
"Then why would you keep it a secret? From us of all people?" Baekhyun demands, slamming his fist against the table.
"Seriously dude?" Jongdae gives him a pointed look and Baekhyun glares daggers at him. "You can't keep your mouth shut for longer than two minutes and we don't want his father to find out about us."
"So have you guys done it yet?" Baekhyun asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Everyone on the table groans and Kyungsoo reaches out to smack him on the head. "And then you ask us why we never tell you things." Kyungsoo tsks, shaking his head. "Come on Chanyeol, lets go before the library gets packed." Kyungsoo ignores the incredulous looks on his friends' faces and motions for Chanyeol to get up, who obeys immediately. Just like the good ol' days.
At first, Kyungsoo is a bit skeptical about spending time with Chanyeol. He's still not completely over him, but at least he doesn't feel like jumping out of his own skin like he used to whenever they had to be in the same room together.
They don't really talk, since it's the library and all, but they sit next to each other so Kyungsoo would be able to fix Chanyeol's mistakes from time to time. They easily fall into their usual routine and Kyungsoo doesn't even flinch when Chanyeol's elbow accidentally brushes against his.
✩
The next month is difficult for everyone, especially for Baekhyun who keeps getting into trouble. Lying comes easily for Baekhyun and sometimes he does it without even realizing. It comes in handy a lot these days, since he keeps sneaking out on the roof for a smoke break to relax and unwind, getting caught on his way down.
Kyungsoo and Sehun break up, though it's not exactly a break up since they weren't dating in the first place.
"It's for the best," Sehun says and Kyungsoo nods in understanding. It really is.
Chanyeol breaks up with Jinah too, on the day of Baekhyun's birthday party. He looks really bummed out and Kyungsoo feels genuinely sorry for him.
✩
“It’s going to be the most bitching party of the year!” Jongdae exclaims loudly on their way over and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol both shake their heads in union while Junmyeon's eyes start to sparkle, completely smitten.
“Also the last, thank god,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. He’s been to more parties in high school than he would probably ever go to after he graduates. And they say college is supposed to be about the crazy parties and doing crazy shit.
“Do you always have to complain about everything?” Jongdae tsks next to him and Kyungsoo sighs, shaking his head again. “You are like my mom and grandma all mixed up in a very tiny package.”
“I think the important question here is why I'm still keeping you alive.” Kyungsoo says flatly and Chanyeol laughs, for the first time that day.
Jongdae groans loudly and pushes the door to Baekhyun's house open. "Shut up. It will be the best party ever. You'll see."
“Spin the bottle? How very seventh grade of us,” Kyungsoo mutters darkly at Baekhyun's idea of "BEST PARTY EVER!!!" and Jongdae nudges him in the ribs with his elbow, urging him to sit down.
“Don’t be such a sourpuss, it’s gonna be fun. You take a shot if you don’t want to kiss someone, but you can only do it twice per person. There are no turnbacks the third time,” Jongdae grins widely and it makes Kyungsoo feel a bit uncomfortable. Something smells fishy. Nothing good can come out of whatever Jongdae, the spawn of satan has planned out for tonight.
Chanyeol is sitting right across from him and Kyungsoo swallows nervously; what if he spins and the bottle lands on Chanyeol? They just got back to being friends again and he really doesn't want to ruin this.
Fifteen rounds and three tequila shots later, it’s Kyungsoo’s turn to spin the bottle, and he does it with a heavy sigh, waiting for this whole thing to be over already. He feels pleasantly buzzed, thanks to the alcohol and he licks away the bitterness from his lips as he waits for the bottle to stop spinning.
But the bottle lands directly in front of Chanyeol and it feels like time stops for a second as they both look up at each other in alarm, eyes wide and mouths parted open as they wait for someone to say or do something. A cold shiver goes down Kyungsoo’s spine as the scene of their last kiss from a few months ago flashes before his eyes. He swallows around the lump in his throat; he feels like he's going to throw up.
He motions for Jongdae to give him a shot and he downs it quickly, spinning the bottle again without even looking up to see if Chanyeol is still in the room. His throat burns but he ignores it, along with the scowls on Jongdae’s and Baekhyun’s faces, focused on the way the dark green bottle spins in front of him.
And it looks like the universe is conspiring against him and wants to make him regret the day he was born, because the bottle, yet again, lands on Chanyeol. The reaction is the same, except this time Chanyeol also looks like he’s trying to disappear into his flannel shirt.
“Kiss?” Jongdae whispers in his ear and Kyungsoo shakes his head.
“Shot.”
Kyungsoo is determined to avoid the inevitable for as long as he possibly could, even though he would be lying if he said he doesn’t feel like throwing himself in Chanyeol’s lap to kiss him breathless. He’s been thinking about their last kiss a lot, especially after they (almost) went back to normal. But he can’t-he should’t and that’s exactly what he’s going to do. Nothing.
Kyungsoo spins the bottle for the third time in a row, a bit harder this time, and he sits back on his calves as he waits to see where it lands, praying it would end on the cute girl on Chanyeol’s left that’s been checking him out all night now. He wouldn’t kiss her though, not in front of Chanyeol, at least, but it’s better than trying his hardest not to kiss his best friend.
And for the third time in a row the bottle ends in front of Chanyeol’s feet, and Kyungsoo can feel everyone’s eyes on them as they wait to witness the kiss between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol-the best fucking friends in the entire universe.
“Kiss him!” Jongdae squeaks and everyone else joins him, Baekhyun being the loudest of them all. “No more shots, remember?”
Baekhyun joins Jongdae with a rather vulgar comment and Kyungsoo looks up at Chanyeol, silently asking him if he thinks this would be a good idea. Chanyeol licks his lips nervously but nods, and Kyungsoo nods back, wiping his clammy palms off his jeans before he crawls over to where Chanyeol is sitting, ignoring the stupid chants of “kiss! kiss!” coming from all around them. He exhales shakily as he cups Chanyeol’s cheek, closing the distance to press their lips together.
Kyungsoo’s heart skips a beat when Chanyeol's lips start moving against his, sliding them gently. Chanyeol’s lips are chapped just like they were months ago, warm and wet as he captures Kyungsoo’s bottom lip, tasting like salt and lime and tequila. A familiar jolt of electricity goes down his spine and he focuses on the warmth of Chanyeol’s breath where it steadily fans over his cheek, keeping him aware that this is really happening.
But then he realizes that it is happening and he remembers it shouldn’t be happening so he pulls back first, hoping the others won’t laugh at them or make unnecessary homophobic jokes about their kiss. He only knows four of the people in the room and he doesn’t know what their reactions would be like, but he doesn’t really care, either. Those types of comments have never bothered him before, but he doesn't want Chanyeol to feel uncomfortable. It was only for the sake of the game, after all.
Kyungsoo sits back in his spot on the floor, folding his legs like a pretzel as he waits for the inevitable teasing to happen, avoiding the heaviness of Chanyeol’s gaze on him the whole time. Kyungsoo licks his lips nervously and tastes Chanyeol on his tongue, making him feel even guiltier than before.
But instead of teasing, comes loud cheering and whooping, and when Baekhyun and Jongdae drape themselves over Kyungsoo's back, does he realize this was all their fault. Jongdae was the one who pushed Kyungsoo down on the floor across from Chanyeol and Baekhyun was the one who suggested they play the stupid game. Kyungsoo knows they care about them and have nothing but the best intentions in mind, but this isn’t about them. This is about him and Chanyeol and no one else, and judging by the way Chanyeol’s jaw tightens before he sprints out of the room, Kyungsoo is sure Chanyeol also figured out what just happened here.
Baekhyun’s hands are wrapped tightly around his waist and Kyungsoo can barely breathe, but he manages to untangle himself free and runs after Chanyeol, trying to catch up with him. He follows after Chanyeol through the house and into the kitchen, ignoring the guy passed out underneath the dining room table.
Chanyeol turns around when he hears him approaching and Kyungsoo’s eyes dart down to where his fists are curled in the sleeves of his shirt. He slowly walks over to where Chanyeol is standing as if he were an animal that needs to be approached carefully, not wanting to scare him off and make him run away again.
Kyungsoo’s head is swimming with scary thoughts and he tries to shake them off, tries to think of something appropriate to say for the situation they’re in right now. But before he could say anything or even apologize, Chanyeol speaks up, voice low and rough.
“This was a mistake. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says quietly, eyes still glued to Chanyeol’s fists. “I should’ve realized what was going on sooner and try to stop them. I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo repeats once more and ignores the way his throat is starting to tighten.
Chanyeol is quiet for a while and Kyungsoo can hear him breathe harshly through his nose. Kyungsoo waits for him in silence, not wanting to worsen the situation. His hands are sweaty and so is his back, his shirt clinging to his skin uncomfortably. Chanyeol opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out, and Kyungsoo’s heart sinks to his stomach because there’s nothing left to say anymore, is there? This is it; this is how they end. Five years down the drain, just like that.
“This is so confusing,” Chanyeol starts suddenly and it startles Kyungsoo, lighting a small spark of hope in his chest. “The way I feel about you. Do you remember the first time we got drunk and I told you I loved you?”
Kyungsoo remembers that night clearly, despite his drunken condition. It was at Jongdae’s birthday party and his brother had sent him a package of champagne over to the dorms so he could celebrate with his friends properly, before the standard strict party his parents throw for him every year. Chanyeol got so drunk he could barely stand and Kyungsoo scooted closer and let the older boy rest his head in his lap, carding his fingers through his hair to lull him to sleep. Right before Chanyeol drifted off he told Kyungsoo he loved him.
Of course, back then Kyungsoo had thought Chanyeol was just saying it as a friend who had a bit too much to drink, and smiled down at him, leaning to press his lips against Chanyeol’s forehead to whisper an I love you, too.
“I remember it,” Kyungsoo nods, swallowing down the lump in his throat.
“Well I meant it,” Chanyeol says firmly. “You probably thought I was drunk off my ass to know what I was saying, but it was true. I meant it. I think I’ve always loved you, Kyungsoo. I think it was love at first sight because I was immediately drawn to you, even though I was thirteen and naïve, and it killed me when I heard you say we would never be more than just friends.”
Kyungsoo takes a moment to let Chanyeol’s words sink in, trying to wrap his head around the fact that he unknowingly lead Chanyeol on for so long. How could he not realize what was going on all this time?
“I needed to move on because the pain of loving you was too much to deal with. And I did, or at least that's what I thought until now. You don't know what it's like to love your best fucking friend and not being able to tell him how you feel. It hurts so much, Kyungsoo. I hope you never get to experience that," Chanyeol shakes his head, covering his face with his hands.
"I already do," Kyungsoo says quietly and pries Chanyeol's hands away. "And I know how awful and painful it is; not being able to hold your hand or kiss you."
"W-What?" Chanyeol stutters, looking completely taken aback by Kyungsoo's words. He doesn't pull back when Kyungsoo steps closer.
"I love you," Kyungsoo can feel tears well up in his eyes. "It took me five years to realize and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Chanyeol. I'm sorry."
Kyungsoo looks down at their feet, repeating I'm sorry over and over again until Chanyeol tilts his head up and steps closer, starting to nose along his cheek. Kyungsoo shudders, thinking his knees might give up on him at any moment.
Then Chanyeol's lips are pressing against his and he tries not to whimper out loud, scrunching his eyes shut because shit-Chanyeol is kissing him! Chanyeol sucks on his lower lip, nipping on it gently as he wraps his arms around his waist to keep him upright.
Kyungsoo groans into it, fisting his hands in Chanyeol's hair to pull him down, deepening the kiss. He kisses Chanyeol hard, wanting to make sure all of his words that are messed up in his head slip off the tip of his tongue and roll over to Chanyeol's, make sure Chanyeol knows how sorry he is. His heart tightens like it might explode and he feels like he's drowning, kissing Chanyeol desperately like he's the only thing that's keeping him alive and his lungs from collapsing.
"Wait," Chanyeol breathes out once he suddenly pulls back and Kyungsoo's heart sinks to his stomach. "I need some time to think. This is so-" he trails off and Kyungsoo nods, squeezing on Chanyeol's hand before he lets him walk away.
→ PART 5