Decade in Review
Everyone else seems to be doing it, so I'll give it a shot. Because my memory is crap, with a lot of this stuff I'm just taking my best guess when exactly it happened. But still, you get the idea:
1999
I had dropped out of high school three months previously, had been stuck in a small alternative school which was a fucking joke; I spent most of my three years there playing cards with the other delinquents, to give you an idea how much of a joke it was they were making us study some of the same shit my sister in the fifth grade was studying and on my third year there I had taken both of the classes the social studies teacher taught so they put me back in the one I took first and, while he taught the class, he had me type letters for him since he wasn't good at the computer - yes, I am fucking serious about that, I was being used as a fucking secretary. I had already been held back on year, an arbitrary decision made after I got out of that hellhole lock up (and the "schooling" offered in the group home was even more of a joke than the alternative school was), and I was about to be held back again from having missed too much school, due to a) the sleep disorder I still suffer from which began when I was sixteen and that made it impossible to go to school (and that no one would take it seriously didn't help either) and b) the principal was an ego maniacal douche bag that did everything he could to sabotage me and would suspend me for the slightest little thing (and sometimes followed me around and pushed my buttons until I blew up so he could suspend me); my parents threatening him with a law suit if he didn't stop the harassment calmed him a little but not much. Yeah, I'm going to keep going there for another two years, by the end of it I'd probably be everybody's fucking secretary, assuming my head didn't explode from stress first.
Everyone assumed I was too stupid to get a GED and set me up with a tutor from the high school, thinking the studying would take years. She had me take a practice test first to see where I needed some help; I passed it. She gave me a few more, I passed them too. Then I just went for my GED, passed it with outstanding marks in all but math (which my very word oriented brain never understood). Got my GED months before my original class would be graduating, did it without ever having been in a real high school, did it despite that no one thought I could. So fuck you, everyone.
Now free of any societal obligations, I retire from the world.
2000
I've rarely been out of my bedroom either this year or last year, I'm not ready to acknowledge why this is (severe trauma, possible PTSD) but I just don't want to be around any people and when I am I feel panicky and unsafe. I turn nineteen and lose my father's health insurance, which means I have to go without sleeping pills (I had been taking them since I was sixteen) and adjusting to my insane lack of a schedule is not fun. Fighting with my mother is getting more intense, she wants me out of the house and she is entirely unsympathetic to what I am going through. I am almost constantly depressed and probably suicidal though that's not something I consciously recognize.
Sometime between this year and the last I have quit smoking, had started when I was thirteen and was still in the group home. At some point I just lost the desire to do so any longer. Also sometime between this year and next a book on Wicca drops into my hand while I'm in Borders on one of my rare trips out. After being agnostic (and frankly never giving a shit) my whole life, some odd interest is peaked and I begin reading everything I can on the modern Pagan movement.
2001
Still rarely leaving my room; depression intensifying; fights at home so much fucking worse. Grateful that I seem mostly nocturnal and I can go days without ever seeing my family (sleeping while they're up, only waking up after they're asleep), get a break from the constant barge of insults and my mother convincing me what a worthless waste I am. Still reading about religion, mostly books I can buy in the store which means I'm reading terrible, terrible books. Made a gesture toward ritual or two, but discovered very quickly that Wicca was not for me, horrible books or not. Yet the interest does not go away oddly enough and I keep reading anyway, like I know there is something for me in this and I just haven't come across it yet (yeah, it seems so strange now that I think back on it, but it never occurred to me at the time; of course I was a mess then and didn't have much else going on anyway :-)).
2002
My sister turned eighteen this year and for her birthday my parents gave her a computer with internet access. Yes, our family was finally online (we're poor and living in a town where its not easy to stay in without a six figure income, we're used to being late to the party). Shortly before that I had finally come across a book mentioning reconstructionism and on the internet I was able to find a shit ton more information on reconstructionism. My religious obsession speeded up. Early exposed to the idea that one should worship the gods of one's ancestors, I started looking into Celtic Polytheism (being predominately Irish); quickly learned that blood does not always trump all and that experiment ended. Peaked into Asatru but was very quickly turned off by vile attitudes I found on every board. Was also peaking around at Hellenic Polytheism, and with my other options dying out I began looking into much more seriously.
2003
Reading a lot more on Hellenic Polytheism, taking copious notes, pulling tons of books out of the library. Begin a small religious practice. Start trying to acknowledge all the gods but very quickly Hermes sneaks into the forefront and takes over, despite that I would have thought at the time I was more in Apollon's or Artemis's camp. My worship begins casually and unconsciously to focus on him and our relationship begins. I start quietly joining various yahoo elists, mostly lurking quietly.
Home life is still bad, I'm still rarely going out and still disappearing when strangers are in the house. But I am slowly coming to realize, despite my understandable considering my past reluctance to do so, that I am not doing well, that those fucking miserable assholes fucked me royally. Starting to understand the nature of my trauma and why I have made certain decisions, still not seeing a solution in sight but understanding is still good.
2004
Joined ADF, mostly looking to take advantage of their educational courses. Joining more lists, found a couple people to chat with. Considering my extreme trust issues, that is a pretty big deal for me, even if it was all over the internet and thus maybe (at least on first appearance) safer than doing so in person. Later in the year several New England based Hellenic Polytheists formed a list and started talking, eventually met up for coffee. I actually went out and joined them. Slowly, I'm trying to get out a little more, trying to be a little more social, at least within the Hellenic community where I had met some decent people, previously I had only ever known abusive, uncaring pieces of shit. Relationship with Hermes slowly taking up even more of my time and energy, doing a lot of reading about him in particular and learning a lot of new stuff, almost all of it new stuff to me - this doesn't not yet strike me as odd.
Sometime between this year and next, I recognized I was gay thanks to Aphrodite's help, her brief encounter with my life. This was far less of a big deal for me than it seems that it is for lots of other people. Perhaps because I've spent my entire life so far being a freak so being different from the norm in yet one more way (and in a relatively minor, halfway acceptable way, all things considered) is no big deal; perhaps because I never wanted to be normal and fit in anyway and don't give a shit what people think of me; perhaps because of something different altogether. Peaked into the gay community briefly, and discoverd after a very short time, with very little surprise, that rumors of the community being so open and accepting of everything is a massive load of shit; short of a total personality make over I have no place in that community and it wants nothing to do with me. I retreat away again and focus on religion.
2005
Met Renee through ADF and started chatting with her on IM. Dionysos made his first appearance in my life as well. Relationship with Hermes still ongoing although now I am beginning to pick up on some oddities, like that I started worshipping him so intensely despite that it seemed I knew little to nothing about him. I start wondering about this. My sister gives birth to her first child, and while praying to Artemis to see her through her labor I received my very firm message from the goddess that I am not ever to worship her (barring circumstances like this, when its something that falls into her realm and its on behalf of someone other than me, even then I half suspect she preferred I didn't). Later Apollon drove me away from him as well, little more harshly (with Artemis I got more of a sense that she thought I was icky :-)). Trying to get to know Persephone as well but, while I get the occasional dim nod, its not much and something honestly doesn't feel right. Getting out more than I have in years, a little more social than I've been in forever. Working through my trauma with Hermes' help, learning why I do what I do and trying to make some better decisions for myself when I can; more importantly, recognizing what my limits are and not putting unrealistic expectations on myself because I'm not normal and there are some things that just aren't going to happen. Depression is slowly lifting away.
2006
Otherwise known as the year everything changed.
I finally got the message that Hermes was actively patronizing me and has been for some time (with great surprise I realized I could trace his influence as far back as sixteen, it may have been longer for all I know), that our relationship was not a casual thing and he wanted me for something more. It was daunting to think that, I never would have thought I was one of those people, I mean what would a god want with a fucked up person like me (yes, despite what some people may like to believe, I have no illusions that I am the least bit special). But by this point I loved and trusted him completely and so I agreed to the relationship and planned to make formal oaths within a year (because oathing to a god is not to be taken lightly and however many years I might have known him by then, I wanted to be absolutely certain this was the right thing to do).
Later I had a two week period by myself house sitting with my father when I had a very intense conversation with Hermes about things that needed to change, the two big things that came up were moving away from my family (because I was dying there a little bit at a time) and changing my name. He gave me a name, and it turned out to be the name of a character in a book I was writing for a while (a book I later realized I was pretty much just writing about myself, it was helpful in getting a handle on my issues); with my sister's baby name book I discovered (shockingly) that the first and last name both referenced Hermes (the last name in particular was an epithet of his, one that would in time become very important to my spiritual life), and I thought I made that name up out of the blue years and years ago. With regards to moving I was concerned since for the last several years I rarely left the house, but I knew he was right and I needed to go before I ended up slitting my wrists, so I agreed to go within a year. Two weeks later my internet buddy Renee needed a new room mate when one of her's disappeared into thin air, but she needed someone within a month. Hermes let me know he had made his arrangements, that was where I was going. And so I ended up very suddenly packing up my stuff and moving from Massachusetts to Maryland, from a small sheltered town to a large city, to live with a woman I had chatted with for over a year but had never met in person. I was beyond intimidated, I had never lived on my own, I had few life skills (the state doesn't equip you with shit like that, they crush independence where they see it and trying to make you a helpless being entirely dependent on them). But I decided to trust Hermes and trust that he was going to make this work however unlikely it seemed that it would. Besides, an opportunity like this one was unlikely to ever come up again, it was a miracle (literally) that it came up in the first place at all.
2007
After trying to find a job the standard way and failing over and over again (no work history doesn't help), Hermes found me one his way, the insane coincidence way that is (a friend broke her foot and needed help selling books at an SCA event in Virginia, random person wanders over and starts chatting with us, lives in Baltimore and owns a business there were she needs some extra help, oh we're not employed, would we like to come help her out?). So there I was working in a mail room under the table. I was wandering around the city and had something of a social life at the local ADF grove. Honeymoon period quickly wore off on the home situation, my other two room mates (not Renee) revealed themselves to be insane assholes: passive aggressive, controlling, territorial (and they initially told us we could share and share alike, I guess because they thought it sounded nice; but they weren't able to take that for long and started building fences around their stuff and made all sorts of accusations like we were stealing their things and eating all their food - yeah, seriously), the husband was one of those arrogant types that always knows better than you how to live your life and won't take shut up you don't know what you're talking about for an answer. They pretty much acted like the house was theirs, like they were parents and Renee, Dominic and I were their rebellious children. Home became unbearable because of them, and when that tense situation exploded boy did it fucking explode. They moved out before the lease was up, forcing us to quickly look for a three bedroom house and only being able to find something in the ghetto. Likewise the honeymoon at work ended quickly when I realized my boss was not exactly stable, one supervisor was the exact same sort of ego maniacal douche bag I had been dealing with my whole life (thinks he's more important than he is, certainly better than you, going to make the world pay he is) and the other one was a seriously unstable drunk (as in he came to work drunk on a very regular basis, as in later on he was taking psychiatric drugs while still drinking). Perhaps not surprisingly, I started smoking again.
That year I made my oaths to Hermes and started going by Gavin Porter as he asked me to. He gave me a cat for my birthday (a stray that adopted me on my birthday), I inherited another from the asshole ex room mates, and in the ghetto things were made temporarily better when I attracted three stray kittens that I started taking care of (one of whom fell in love with me so that I could actually pet him and pick him up). I start reevaluating much of my religious practice, realizing that Hermes is the center of my world and realizing the liminalty was a running theme through everything that has come up for me. I start pulling away from strict recon practices and start thinking things out for myself. Hermes introduces me to Odin and Loki and I look back into Heathenism, though this time I run into people that are not a part of mainstream Asatru and thus don't have a lot of these same problems. I meet a lot of the right people seemingly at random (following links, feeling compelled to friend people on LJ); I recognize that this isn't exactly random and Hermes is guiding me along, though I think its only about meeting sane Heathens.
2008
My tribe of kittens contracted something and all died one by one, making me even more stressed and depressed than I already was. I was severely sick all winter long, one respiratory cold after another and I was sleeping very badly. But this year would be much better than the last. After our lease was up on the ghetto house (and living there was a nightmare, the neighborhood was horrible, Renee was robbed at gun point, things were malfunctioning left and right in that house and the leasing company would not fix it and used to yell at us when we called about it) and Dominic was going to move out on his own, Renee and I found a nice apartment in Mount Vernon, one where utilities were taken care of by the landlord no less. Now we were living in a nice place again. I also quit my job, at Hermes' request not that he had to do much to convince me at that point; I tried to keep a job and it did not work out, not just because the people I worked for had serious problems they all too often dumped on me or because the place was so poorly run, but the stress of dealing with people was too much for me and my sleep was again getting in the way, trying to force my body to keep a regular schedule it didn't want to keep was making me very sick and even still I was missing so much work when I wasn't sleeping right and couldn't take the exhaustion any longer. The problems I was having with disability were immediately cleared up (and technically I was probably making better money there than I was at the job, not just because of the work I had to miss but because work wasn't steady to begin with) and if I needed anymore proof that Hermes was right, within a month of my leaving that job everyone I knew started commenting on how much healthier I looked (I guess I looked like walking death before but no one ever told me :-)), my stress level went down and when I was working with my body instead of against it I got more sleep and my health improved as well. Again, with his help, I culled a couple more people out of my life that were causing me trouble (like my boss, using me as a dumping ground for their personal problems). I had to relearn again that I am not normal and need to work within what I can do instead of expecting that I can live up to the standards of people that don't have my problems. I made some changes to my life accordingly. I quit smoking again.
Also, I started dating Renee this year. That was thanks to Hermes as well. :-)
I celebrated my first anniversary of my vows to Hermes, and something came up during that celebration, another role he wanted me to fulfill. I ignored it for several months until I wasn't able to ignore it any longer. Over the year, I turned it over in my head and came to accept what he wanted from me and agreed to do so. Halloween and a new set of vows was made. I pulled further away from the communities I was once a part of, realizing there was little commonality there any longer. I let my membership in ADf go and spent less time at the grove. I made friends with people outside of the Hellenic community that I seemed to have far more in common with (realizing that the relationship I have with Hermes is what is at the center of my practice, not culture or tradition; realizing that definitely helped me out in the community).
2009
Been with Renee for over a year (closer to two now), there have been some problems but the relationship is still going strong. Went through a period of severe spiritual depression as my new vows brought issues to the surface, triggered my old low self esteem, but its passing and I'm working my way out of it. The communities I was a part of or hung out on the fringe of went through major problems, almost non stop drama that I got far too involved in for my own good. I decided to leave the community altogether, left every list and stopped going to the grove, aside from continuing to moderate the Hellenistai forum I am all but gone. My spiritual path is a personal one, a solitary one, and its one I need to work out for myself now that I know the basics. It is not helping to get myself tangled up in the expectations of people that are not practicing my religion really, even if on the surface it looks like we're co-religionists. Made a few good friendships here, and all but lost contact with several acquaintances that I might have thought once were friends but I know better now; its not easy, but I feel its always better to know. While previously I made the mistake of being more social than I really ought to be, I've now swung the other way and am more of a hermit than is really healthy for me, but I recognized it before it got out of hand and am trying to correct it. Been spending more time away from the computer, doing stuff in life. Working on moving again, to Oregon this time; not going to be quite as quick as my previous move but hopefully it won't take too terribly much longer.
Holy shit, huh? A lot has happened, I'm definitely not in the same place any more. But I'm in a better place, a happier place, whatever problems may still come up my life is working now. I felt cheated for a long time because your teens and your twenties are the times when you're supposed to be really enjoying life (before you start tying yourself down in life, sacrificing your happiness in favor of obligation, at least according to what my family believes is the way things work). My teens were an abusive nightmare, my twenties were spent dealing with the aftermath of that and trying to recover. It took me a long time to find my happiness and I'm glad to say that society is wrong and it isn't too late to enjoy yourself. Not to mention that there are alternatives in life even if they aren't as obvious, and there is more than one way to be successful.
My religion has changed and evolved quite a lot, too. I had to go through a lot to get to a place where I was ready to do what I needed to do, until I was ready to go out on my own, stop worrying what other people think and live the vows I made. I think I'm at that place now.
Bring on the next decade! :-)
1999
I had dropped out of high school three months previously, had been stuck in a small alternative school which was a fucking joke; I spent most of my three years there playing cards with the other delinquents, to give you an idea how much of a joke it was they were making us study some of the same shit my sister in the fifth grade was studying and on my third year there I had taken both of the classes the social studies teacher taught so they put me back in the one I took first and, while he taught the class, he had me type letters for him since he wasn't good at the computer - yes, I am fucking serious about that, I was being used as a fucking secretary. I had already been held back on year, an arbitrary decision made after I got out of that hellhole lock up (and the "schooling" offered in the group home was even more of a joke than the alternative school was), and I was about to be held back again from having missed too much school, due to a) the sleep disorder I still suffer from which began when I was sixteen and that made it impossible to go to school (and that no one would take it seriously didn't help either) and b) the principal was an ego maniacal douche bag that did everything he could to sabotage me and would suspend me for the slightest little thing (and sometimes followed me around and pushed my buttons until I blew up so he could suspend me); my parents threatening him with a law suit if he didn't stop the harassment calmed him a little but not much. Yeah, I'm going to keep going there for another two years, by the end of it I'd probably be everybody's fucking secretary, assuming my head didn't explode from stress first.
Everyone assumed I was too stupid to get a GED and set me up with a tutor from the high school, thinking the studying would take years. She had me take a practice test first to see where I needed some help; I passed it. She gave me a few more, I passed them too. Then I just went for my GED, passed it with outstanding marks in all but math (which my very word oriented brain never understood). Got my GED months before my original class would be graduating, did it without ever having been in a real high school, did it despite that no one thought I could. So fuck you, everyone.
Now free of any societal obligations, I retire from the world.
2000
I've rarely been out of my bedroom either this year or last year, I'm not ready to acknowledge why this is (severe trauma, possible PTSD) but I just don't want to be around any people and when I am I feel panicky and unsafe. I turn nineteen and lose my father's health insurance, which means I have to go without sleeping pills (I had been taking them since I was sixteen) and adjusting to my insane lack of a schedule is not fun. Fighting with my mother is getting more intense, she wants me out of the house and she is entirely unsympathetic to what I am going through. I am almost constantly depressed and probably suicidal though that's not something I consciously recognize.
Sometime between this year and the last I have quit smoking, had started when I was thirteen and was still in the group home. At some point I just lost the desire to do so any longer. Also sometime between this year and next a book on Wicca drops into my hand while I'm in Borders on one of my rare trips out. After being agnostic (and frankly never giving a shit) my whole life, some odd interest is peaked and I begin reading everything I can on the modern Pagan movement.
2001
Still rarely leaving my room; depression intensifying; fights at home so much fucking worse. Grateful that I seem mostly nocturnal and I can go days without ever seeing my family (sleeping while they're up, only waking up after they're asleep), get a break from the constant barge of insults and my mother convincing me what a worthless waste I am. Still reading about religion, mostly books I can buy in the store which means I'm reading terrible, terrible books. Made a gesture toward ritual or two, but discovered very quickly that Wicca was not for me, horrible books or not. Yet the interest does not go away oddly enough and I keep reading anyway, like I know there is something for me in this and I just haven't come across it yet (yeah, it seems so strange now that I think back on it, but it never occurred to me at the time; of course I was a mess then and didn't have much else going on anyway :-)).
2002
My sister turned eighteen this year and for her birthday my parents gave her a computer with internet access. Yes, our family was finally online (we're poor and living in a town where its not easy to stay in without a six figure income, we're used to being late to the party). Shortly before that I had finally come across a book mentioning reconstructionism and on the internet I was able to find a shit ton more information on reconstructionism. My religious obsession speeded up. Early exposed to the idea that one should worship the gods of one's ancestors, I started looking into Celtic Polytheism (being predominately Irish); quickly learned that blood does not always trump all and that experiment ended. Peaked into Asatru but was very quickly turned off by vile attitudes I found on every board. Was also peaking around at Hellenic Polytheism, and with my other options dying out I began looking into much more seriously.
2003
Reading a lot more on Hellenic Polytheism, taking copious notes, pulling tons of books out of the library. Begin a small religious practice. Start trying to acknowledge all the gods but very quickly Hermes sneaks into the forefront and takes over, despite that I would have thought at the time I was more in Apollon's or Artemis's camp. My worship begins casually and unconsciously to focus on him and our relationship begins. I start quietly joining various yahoo elists, mostly lurking quietly.
Home life is still bad, I'm still rarely going out and still disappearing when strangers are in the house. But I am slowly coming to realize, despite my understandable considering my past reluctance to do so, that I am not doing well, that those fucking miserable assholes fucked me royally. Starting to understand the nature of my trauma and why I have made certain decisions, still not seeing a solution in sight but understanding is still good.
2004
Joined ADF, mostly looking to take advantage of their educational courses. Joining more lists, found a couple people to chat with. Considering my extreme trust issues, that is a pretty big deal for me, even if it was all over the internet and thus maybe (at least on first appearance) safer than doing so in person. Later in the year several New England based Hellenic Polytheists formed a list and started talking, eventually met up for coffee. I actually went out and joined them. Slowly, I'm trying to get out a little more, trying to be a little more social, at least within the Hellenic community where I had met some decent people, previously I had only ever known abusive, uncaring pieces of shit. Relationship with Hermes slowly taking up even more of my time and energy, doing a lot of reading about him in particular and learning a lot of new stuff, almost all of it new stuff to me - this doesn't not yet strike me as odd.
Sometime between this year and next, I recognized I was gay thanks to Aphrodite's help, her brief encounter with my life. This was far less of a big deal for me than it seems that it is for lots of other people. Perhaps because I've spent my entire life so far being a freak so being different from the norm in yet one more way (and in a relatively minor, halfway acceptable way, all things considered) is no big deal; perhaps because I never wanted to be normal and fit in anyway and don't give a shit what people think of me; perhaps because of something different altogether. Peaked into the gay community briefly, and discoverd after a very short time, with very little surprise, that rumors of the community being so open and accepting of everything is a massive load of shit; short of a total personality make over I have no place in that community and it wants nothing to do with me. I retreat away again and focus on religion.
2005
Met Renee through ADF and started chatting with her on IM. Dionysos made his first appearance in my life as well. Relationship with Hermes still ongoing although now I am beginning to pick up on some oddities, like that I started worshipping him so intensely despite that it seemed I knew little to nothing about him. I start wondering about this. My sister gives birth to her first child, and while praying to Artemis to see her through her labor I received my very firm message from the goddess that I am not ever to worship her (barring circumstances like this, when its something that falls into her realm and its on behalf of someone other than me, even then I half suspect she preferred I didn't). Later Apollon drove me away from him as well, little more harshly (with Artemis I got more of a sense that she thought I was icky :-)). Trying to get to know Persephone as well but, while I get the occasional dim nod, its not much and something honestly doesn't feel right. Getting out more than I have in years, a little more social than I've been in forever. Working through my trauma with Hermes' help, learning why I do what I do and trying to make some better decisions for myself when I can; more importantly, recognizing what my limits are and not putting unrealistic expectations on myself because I'm not normal and there are some things that just aren't going to happen. Depression is slowly lifting away.
2006
Otherwise known as the year everything changed.
I finally got the message that Hermes was actively patronizing me and has been for some time (with great surprise I realized I could trace his influence as far back as sixteen, it may have been longer for all I know), that our relationship was not a casual thing and he wanted me for something more. It was daunting to think that, I never would have thought I was one of those people, I mean what would a god want with a fucked up person like me (yes, despite what some people may like to believe, I have no illusions that I am the least bit special). But by this point I loved and trusted him completely and so I agreed to the relationship and planned to make formal oaths within a year (because oathing to a god is not to be taken lightly and however many years I might have known him by then, I wanted to be absolutely certain this was the right thing to do).
Later I had a two week period by myself house sitting with my father when I had a very intense conversation with Hermes about things that needed to change, the two big things that came up were moving away from my family (because I was dying there a little bit at a time) and changing my name. He gave me a name, and it turned out to be the name of a character in a book I was writing for a while (a book I later realized I was pretty much just writing about myself, it was helpful in getting a handle on my issues); with my sister's baby name book I discovered (shockingly) that the first and last name both referenced Hermes (the last name in particular was an epithet of his, one that would in time become very important to my spiritual life), and I thought I made that name up out of the blue years and years ago. With regards to moving I was concerned since for the last several years I rarely left the house, but I knew he was right and I needed to go before I ended up slitting my wrists, so I agreed to go within a year. Two weeks later my internet buddy Renee needed a new room mate when one of her's disappeared into thin air, but she needed someone within a month. Hermes let me know he had made his arrangements, that was where I was going. And so I ended up very suddenly packing up my stuff and moving from Massachusetts to Maryland, from a small sheltered town to a large city, to live with a woman I had chatted with for over a year but had never met in person. I was beyond intimidated, I had never lived on my own, I had few life skills (the state doesn't equip you with shit like that, they crush independence where they see it and trying to make you a helpless being entirely dependent on them). But I decided to trust Hermes and trust that he was going to make this work however unlikely it seemed that it would. Besides, an opportunity like this one was unlikely to ever come up again, it was a miracle (literally) that it came up in the first place at all.
2007
After trying to find a job the standard way and failing over and over again (no work history doesn't help), Hermes found me one his way, the insane coincidence way that is (a friend broke her foot and needed help selling books at an SCA event in Virginia, random person wanders over and starts chatting with us, lives in Baltimore and owns a business there were she needs some extra help, oh we're not employed, would we like to come help her out?). So there I was working in a mail room under the table. I was wandering around the city and had something of a social life at the local ADF grove. Honeymoon period quickly wore off on the home situation, my other two room mates (not Renee) revealed themselves to be insane assholes: passive aggressive, controlling, territorial (and they initially told us we could share and share alike, I guess because they thought it sounded nice; but they weren't able to take that for long and started building fences around their stuff and made all sorts of accusations like we were stealing their things and eating all their food - yeah, seriously), the husband was one of those arrogant types that always knows better than you how to live your life and won't take shut up you don't know what you're talking about for an answer. They pretty much acted like the house was theirs, like they were parents and Renee, Dominic and I were their rebellious children. Home became unbearable because of them, and when that tense situation exploded boy did it fucking explode. They moved out before the lease was up, forcing us to quickly look for a three bedroom house and only being able to find something in the ghetto. Likewise the honeymoon at work ended quickly when I realized my boss was not exactly stable, one supervisor was the exact same sort of ego maniacal douche bag I had been dealing with my whole life (thinks he's more important than he is, certainly better than you, going to make the world pay he is) and the other one was a seriously unstable drunk (as in he came to work drunk on a very regular basis, as in later on he was taking psychiatric drugs while still drinking). Perhaps not surprisingly, I started smoking again.
That year I made my oaths to Hermes and started going by Gavin Porter as he asked me to. He gave me a cat for my birthday (a stray that adopted me on my birthday), I inherited another from the asshole ex room mates, and in the ghetto things were made temporarily better when I attracted three stray kittens that I started taking care of (one of whom fell in love with me so that I could actually pet him and pick him up). I start reevaluating much of my religious practice, realizing that Hermes is the center of my world and realizing the liminalty was a running theme through everything that has come up for me. I start pulling away from strict recon practices and start thinking things out for myself. Hermes introduces me to Odin and Loki and I look back into Heathenism, though this time I run into people that are not a part of mainstream Asatru and thus don't have a lot of these same problems. I meet a lot of the right people seemingly at random (following links, feeling compelled to friend people on LJ); I recognize that this isn't exactly random and Hermes is guiding me along, though I think its only about meeting sane Heathens.
2008
My tribe of kittens contracted something and all died one by one, making me even more stressed and depressed than I already was. I was severely sick all winter long, one respiratory cold after another and I was sleeping very badly. But this year would be much better than the last. After our lease was up on the ghetto house (and living there was a nightmare, the neighborhood was horrible, Renee was robbed at gun point, things were malfunctioning left and right in that house and the leasing company would not fix it and used to yell at us when we called about it) and Dominic was going to move out on his own, Renee and I found a nice apartment in Mount Vernon, one where utilities were taken care of by the landlord no less. Now we were living in a nice place again. I also quit my job, at Hermes' request not that he had to do much to convince me at that point; I tried to keep a job and it did not work out, not just because the people I worked for had serious problems they all too often dumped on me or because the place was so poorly run, but the stress of dealing with people was too much for me and my sleep was again getting in the way, trying to force my body to keep a regular schedule it didn't want to keep was making me very sick and even still I was missing so much work when I wasn't sleeping right and couldn't take the exhaustion any longer. The problems I was having with disability were immediately cleared up (and technically I was probably making better money there than I was at the job, not just because of the work I had to miss but because work wasn't steady to begin with) and if I needed anymore proof that Hermes was right, within a month of my leaving that job everyone I knew started commenting on how much healthier I looked (I guess I looked like walking death before but no one ever told me :-)), my stress level went down and when I was working with my body instead of against it I got more sleep and my health improved as well. Again, with his help, I culled a couple more people out of my life that were causing me trouble (like my boss, using me as a dumping ground for their personal problems). I had to relearn again that I am not normal and need to work within what I can do instead of expecting that I can live up to the standards of people that don't have my problems. I made some changes to my life accordingly. I quit smoking again.
Also, I started dating Renee this year. That was thanks to Hermes as well. :-)
I celebrated my first anniversary of my vows to Hermes, and something came up during that celebration, another role he wanted me to fulfill. I ignored it for several months until I wasn't able to ignore it any longer. Over the year, I turned it over in my head and came to accept what he wanted from me and agreed to do so. Halloween and a new set of vows was made. I pulled further away from the communities I was once a part of, realizing there was little commonality there any longer. I let my membership in ADf go and spent less time at the grove. I made friends with people outside of the Hellenic community that I seemed to have far more in common with (realizing that the relationship I have with Hermes is what is at the center of my practice, not culture or tradition; realizing that definitely helped me out in the community).
2009
Been with Renee for over a year (closer to two now), there have been some problems but the relationship is still going strong. Went through a period of severe spiritual depression as my new vows brought issues to the surface, triggered my old low self esteem, but its passing and I'm working my way out of it. The communities I was a part of or hung out on the fringe of went through major problems, almost non stop drama that I got far too involved in for my own good. I decided to leave the community altogether, left every list and stopped going to the grove, aside from continuing to moderate the Hellenistai forum I am all but gone. My spiritual path is a personal one, a solitary one, and its one I need to work out for myself now that I know the basics. It is not helping to get myself tangled up in the expectations of people that are not practicing my religion really, even if on the surface it looks like we're co-religionists. Made a few good friendships here, and all but lost contact with several acquaintances that I might have thought once were friends but I know better now; its not easy, but I feel its always better to know. While previously I made the mistake of being more social than I really ought to be, I've now swung the other way and am more of a hermit than is really healthy for me, but I recognized it before it got out of hand and am trying to correct it. Been spending more time away from the computer, doing stuff in life. Working on moving again, to Oregon this time; not going to be quite as quick as my previous move but hopefully it won't take too terribly much longer.
Holy shit, huh? A lot has happened, I'm definitely not in the same place any more. But I'm in a better place, a happier place, whatever problems may still come up my life is working now. I felt cheated for a long time because your teens and your twenties are the times when you're supposed to be really enjoying life (before you start tying yourself down in life, sacrificing your happiness in favor of obligation, at least according to what my family believes is the way things work). My teens were an abusive nightmare, my twenties were spent dealing with the aftermath of that and trying to recover. It took me a long time to find my happiness and I'm glad to say that society is wrong and it isn't too late to enjoy yourself. Not to mention that there are alternatives in life even if they aren't as obvious, and there is more than one way to be successful.
My religion has changed and evolved quite a lot, too. I had to go through a lot to get to a place where I was ready to do what I needed to do, until I was ready to go out on my own, stop worrying what other people think and live the vows I made. I think I'm at that place now.
Bring on the next decade! :-)