Hate Me
Ryo sat on the couch and watched as Uchi packed his bags and put them near the door. Ryo followed his every move.
“So you’re leaving huh?”
The younger guy didn’t say anything. He just nodded.
Ryo looked down on his feet. It’s not like he had any right to stop him. It was his fault in the first place.
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Ryo stumbled through the door, drunk as usual. Uchi was always there to catch him. Ryo tried to push him away but Uchi held on to him tightly as he guided the older man towards their bedroom. Uchi helped to undress Ryo and tucked him in bed. Ryo went to sleep within seconds, uttering a woman’s name just before he closed his eyes.
Uchi pretended not to hear just as he pretended that the smell on Ryo’s clothes wasn’t the smell of alcohol and women.
************************************************
“Will you be taking this as well?” Ryo asked as he held up a photo frame.
Uchi was the one who’d bought it. It was Uchi’s yet he’d been the one who’ d broken it. The fragile frame was only held together by super glue.
Uchi looked at him uncertainly.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
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“Ryo, you should stop drinking, you know. It’s bad for your health.”
Ryo ignored him. He continued to drink from the bottle, bloodshot eyes staring at the TV.
“Ryo…” Uchi called out as he pulled the bottle away from Ryo.
Ryo protested and pulled the bottle towards him.
Uchi was determined. He pulled the bottle again.
Ryo lost his grip and the bottle crashed on the floor. He roared and faced Uchi.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Uchi stepped back. This Ryo wasn’t the Ryo he’d come to know and love.
“L..l…look, Ryo. I know you’ve been depressed since you’ve lost your job but - “
Ryo roared again. He swung his arms as an attempt to hit Uchi but since he was drunk, Ryo missed his target. His hands swiped a photo frame instead. It crashed noisily on the floor.
Uchi was scared now.
“Ryo.. p…please…” he whimpered.
But Ryo kept on advancing towards him. His eyes were deadly. He grabbed Uchi by the throat and pinned him against the wall.
“Don’t you dare tell me what to do Hiroki.”
Uchi was sobbing now. He shut his eyes tightly. He was scared of the demon that’d taken control of his Ryo.
“Get that?” Ryo asked harshly.
Uchi nodded.
All of a sudden, Ryo was crushing his mouth against Uchi’s.
Uchi wanted to push Ryo away but the older man was too strong. Uchi heard the sound of a zipper and the next thing he knew, Ryo was forcing himself inside him.
“N…no,”
But Ryo didn’t hear him. Uchi felt the pain as Ryo entered him again and again.
“Stop! Stop!” Uchi cried but it was muffled.
Ryo was holding a palm against his mouth.
“Never, ever, tell me what to do again,” Ryo ordered harshly as he pounded into Uchi - hard.
Uchi whimpered but Ryo didn’t hear. Ryo was too far gone.
Not a moment too soon, Ryo broke away from him, pulled up his pants and stumbled toward their bedroom.
Uchi’s knees gave way and he sank down. He didn’t know ho long he knelt there, crying. But finally, the tears stopped flowing. He felt dry and empty inside. Uchi wiped away his tears as he crawled to the photo frame. He looked at the photo sadly. He and Ryo were standing by the sea, hugging and smiling so innocently. He wished things would return to the way they were but he knew it wouldn’t. He picked up the little pieces, as if picking up his broken heart. He could easily mend this frame but could his heart be mended?
*******************************************
Uchi was already standing on the doorway, backpack across his back and another bag slung across his right shoulders. He took one last look at the apartment. Somehow, he didn’t feel sad. There was numbness in his heart. He wasn’t able to feel anything.
He looked at the man who was slumped on the armchair. Ryo was looking intently at him. He had to look away.
“Goodbye, Ryo.”
Ryo didn’t say anything. He just stared at Uchi.
Don’t go, he’d wanted to shout. He wanted to throw those bags away. He wanted to hug him and never let him go. He wanted to feel Uchi’s lips on him again. He wanted to feel Uchi being inside him again. He didn’t want to let Uchi go.
But he had to. Uchi didn’t deserve him. He had his chance and he blew it.
Uchi walked out and closed the door behind him.
The sound of the closing door triggered Ryo’s tears. They started to stream down endlessly. Just like a baby, he bawled. All the pent up frustration, all the regret, he let them all out.
Uchi didn’t deserve him. He kept telling himself over and over again. Letting him go was the only good thing he’d done for his lover, no, ex-lover.
He didn’t know how long he stayed there. The next thing he knew, it was afternoon. Ryo shielded his eyes from the sunlight that was coming in from the window. At that moment, an epiphany struck him.
Calmly, he walked over to the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet. He took out a bottle.
He went to their bedroom. The sheets still smelt of Uchi. Ryo lied down.
He opened the bottle cap and peered in. The white pills lay innocently in the bottle.
Ryo closed his eyes, remembering the way Uchi used to smile, remembering the sound of Uchi’s laugh. It made him smile.
Calmly, Ryo tipped the bottle to his mouth and the pills flowed down.
Goodbye, Hiroki.
Ryo didn’t feel any pain. Because he knew, somewhere out there, Uchi would be free. Uchi would be happy.
The phone rang for a while before the answering machine picked it up.
“Ryo, it’s Hiroki. I know I said I wouldn’t bother you again but I just want to remind you about your first AAA meeting today. The address is one the fridge in case you’ve forgotten. So yeah… Hope you’re okay. Bye.”