Suicide note
I know the title is a little tooo much. But I'm overwhelmed, like if I take a false step there won't be a returning point , as if my life depends on this!
The past days I resolved what to do with my life and then this amazing opportunity came, and I don't know which path chose anymore.
My initial plan were three scenarios:
Scenario A:
- Find a job and next year apply for the Japanese scholarship. By the time I would have finished my master degree program, and I could graduate w/o needing to make the thesis. So if I pass, well here I go Japan!.
Scenario B:
- Find a job, save money and next year apply for the Japanese schoolarship. If I don't pass (like the previous year) I'll apply for an au pair program to the states and adjust my schedule so at the end of the next year I could leave. Then apply once more for the scholarship.
Scenario C:
- If I don't find job I would stay w/ my current "part-time job" and save the money enough to cover the au pair fees. So I could leave on August, 2012. Then apply once more for the scholarship.
The only disadvantages for my plans is time. What do I mean? Let me explain. This year I'll be 24 years old, so the time for each scenarios will be like this:
Scenario A: I'll be 24 when I apply for the scholarship, and assuming that I pass and everything goes ok I'll be leaving for Japan at the age of 25.
Scenario B: Same as A, I'll be 24.. but since I will apply to leave for the states in December, I'll turn 25. Since the program lasts 1 year I'll be back in Mexico at the end of 2013, and I'll be applying for the scholarship the next year, so If everything goes ok , I'll be leaving for japan at the age of 27.
Scenario C: It would be like B. Although I leave earlier, the program last 1 year, so I'd be back in August, but I'll have to wait until next year for the scholarship since the registration opens in late April.
The only advantages I see in scenario B & C is that I could study Japanese, since I need to cover some credits while I'm there. Also I can save some money (cause they pay you) and at least If I not pass, I could go for vacations.
That was my plan 'till today. After a chat with my mom, she told me "How much money do you need to go to japan?" so my sister answer her that for 1 month at least I'd need like 50000 Mexican pesos. then my mom said "I'll give it to you, if you think that your future is there, then I'll give you the money so you can go" Then my sister started to make plans for me, so I could find a job in order to last for more than a month. Don't take me wrong, I thank her for thinking for me, but I started to feel a lot of pressure, that this will be my only chance to peruse my dreams, a now or never situation. But being myself I started to thing If I take this chance, I can take 2 paths:
Path 1: Go to Japan! Pros & cons: I know that nowadays is harder to find job there, even for a citizen or Japanese and that my chances of running out of money and being deported are very high, but I could learn a lot from that experience and somehow be satisfied with myself. Then come back and focus!. Or if I found a job that allows me to stay there.. well lucky me! mission accomplished. However I'm not confident with my Japanese level. Despite the fact that I could find a job where I don't need that much Japanese, I still need to buy and interact with people. so If I enroll myself in a Japanese academy the money will disappear faster!
Path 2: Take the money but applying for the au pair program, and leaving in January. I could cover the fee with the money and save the remaining.,also If I manage well the money and save money, when I could back I could take path 1 w/o the money limitations at the age of 25 years old! also I think that maybe if I take this path going overseas alone for a long time, will give me more experience on how to handle things...
I know that maybe I'm thinking it too much, but I don't want to make some decisions on the spur of the moment, like I did when I chose my career, however I need to take it soon, 'cause I need to start finding job in a kindergarten for the au pair program...
So.. what to do? some advice?
The past days I resolved what to do with my life and then this amazing opportunity came, and I don't know which path chose anymore.
My initial plan were three scenarios:
Scenario A:
- Find a job and next year apply for the Japanese scholarship. By the time I would have finished my master degree program, and I could graduate w/o needing to make the thesis. So if I pass, well here I go Japan!.
Scenario B:
- Find a job, save money and next year apply for the Japanese schoolarship. If I don't pass (like the previous year) I'll apply for an au pair program to the states and adjust my schedule so at the end of the next year I could leave. Then apply once more for the scholarship.
Scenario C:
- If I don't find job I would stay w/ my current "part-time job" and save the money enough to cover the au pair fees. So I could leave on August, 2012. Then apply once more for the scholarship.
The only disadvantages for my plans is time. What do I mean? Let me explain. This year I'll be 24 years old, so the time for each scenarios will be like this:
Scenario A: I'll be 24 when I apply for the scholarship, and assuming that I pass and everything goes ok I'll be leaving for Japan at the age of 25.
Scenario B: Same as A, I'll be 24.. but since I will apply to leave for the states in December, I'll turn 25. Since the program lasts 1 year I'll be back in Mexico at the end of 2013, and I'll be applying for the scholarship the next year, so If everything goes ok , I'll be leaving for japan at the age of 27.
Scenario C: It would be like B. Although I leave earlier, the program last 1 year, so I'd be back in August, but I'll have to wait until next year for the scholarship since the registration opens in late April.
The only advantages I see in scenario B & C is that I could study Japanese, since I need to cover some credits while I'm there. Also I can save some money (cause they pay you) and at least If I not pass, I could go for vacations.
That was my plan 'till today. After a chat with my mom, she told me "How much money do you need to go to japan?" so my sister answer her that for 1 month at least I'd need like 50000 Mexican pesos. then my mom said "I'll give it to you, if you think that your future is there, then I'll give you the money so you can go" Then my sister started to make plans for me, so I could find a job in order to last for more than a month. Don't take me wrong, I thank her for thinking for me, but I started to feel a lot of pressure, that this will be my only chance to peruse my dreams, a now or never situation. But being myself I started to thing If I take this chance, I can take 2 paths:
Path 1: Go to Japan! Pros & cons: I know that nowadays is harder to find job there, even for a citizen or Japanese and that my chances of running out of money and being deported are very high, but I could learn a lot from that experience and somehow be satisfied with myself. Then come back and focus!. Or if I found a job that allows me to stay there.. well lucky me! mission accomplished. However I'm not confident with my Japanese level. Despite the fact that I could find a job where I don't need that much Japanese, I still need to buy and interact with people. so If I enroll myself in a Japanese academy the money will disappear faster!
Path 2: Take the money but applying for the au pair program, and leaving in January. I could cover the fee with the money and save the remaining.,also If I manage well the money and save money, when I could back I could take path 1 w/o the money limitations at the age of 25 years old! also I think that maybe if I take this path going overseas alone for a long time, will give me more experience on how to handle things...
I know that maybe I'm thinking it too much, but I don't want to make some decisions on the spur of the moment, like I did when I chose my career, however I need to take it soon, 'cause I need to start finding job in a kindergarten for the au pair program...
So.. what to do? some advice?