Fic? What?

[choffman]

Lately I've actually been writing quite a bit, I just haven't been posting much of any of it because I'm pretty sure no one wants to read any of it. That said, I guess that I can toss this out into the void since it's far from my usual and it's basically not as embarassing as it possibly could be. If you read, please comment. Concrit would make my

Comments

[ariseishirou]

Ooooh, you made one public. I'm not sure how much someone who didn't know the story - of who these characters are and how they're related - would get out of this, but I suppose it's clear enough from context what has and is going on.

(I mean, LJ is not exactly the F.E.A.R./Ao2 crowd >_>)

So judging entirely on its literary merits and not as part of a continuing story, I'd say it's very competent. Me, who has read your other Ao2 stuff, can easily see that you've kept the voice of Elliot Salem fairly constant, but not so constant that he hasn't matured a touch now that he has grown up, as compared to background bits. And Stokes sounds like a very attractive girl ;3 Personality-wise, I mean. Like someone men really would want to date without being a sparkly seraphic princess sue with heart-stopping good looks and a tragic backstory ;p

If I had one criticism, I'd say that this needed to be a little longer. It's clear what effect you're going for and I think it would have been a lot more powerful if you'd drawn it out a touch. Just my 2

[choffman]

Really? Longer eh? Hmmm... I suppose there's a bit of an abrupt jump in tone between the seventh and the ninth paragraph, but to be honest I just wrote this the way it came out and there wasn't a lot of going back and rearranging or adding to it.

Also, I'm not exactly sure what else I would add. I had a bit of a checklist of ideas/bits/scenes I'd thought of before I wrote this and was going through and combining them all. This pretty much happens to be where I ran out of material to pad it with. If I was pressed to write one more present/past section of this it would likely end up being something not entirely relevant to the narrative, like something about Elliot's other flings. And even then, I'm not totally sure where I'd stick it.

Now that transition is bothering me a bit though. Damn it, I was kind of proud of this too. >:/

[ariseishirou]

It is good. I just think "padding" as you put it would add to the story in the sense that it would improve the pacing.

[choffman]

Blargh. If only I could pull more material out of my ass I might actually consider doing that.

[ariseishirou]

Ahhhh yes. That's a much more natural transition; it develops their relationship and its inevitable demise, which in turn makes the ending more emotional. Very good.

[choffman]

Well it was literally all I could think of to add to that narrative, so I'm extremely glad of it. @_@

[ariseishirou]

I think that was really all it needed. Before it was a little confusing, besides. I mean, it was easy enough to fill in the blanks, but now it's explicit.

[choffman]

lol well I suppose I do have a tendency to write to you exclusively rather than a general audience. I guess that might sometimes make me omit information that I might otherwise work into something for a general audience's sake.