NaBloPoMo 21: Nothing Tastes as Good...
You know the rest. I kind of... had a moment where I was chanting that for a while this morning.
My mother concern trolled me with the Greatest Hits of Fat Shaming this morning. I don't know if I feel worse for being a disappointment to her or for letting this trolling get to me (She does it every time we eat out, eat with family, or order food). I had a few moments where I thought about only having water and cough drops today (I had actual food. OMG, McDonald's fruit and yogurt parfait, where have you been all of my life?) or finding ways to numb my tongue so that I wouldn't taste anything. (I didn't. I tasted everything I ate today.)
I'm still not comfortable with the way I am, and yet I can't be assed to change anything. So, I either get to feel bad for having no willpower, or feel bad because I'm ugly and unlovable. (I know that the "unlovable" bit isn't true, and that "ugly" is objective. Academically, I know this.)
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I wail about being ugly and unlovable, like looks and external validation are the only things that matter in this world. I am whining about this on a laptop that I paid for in a job where the tops want to keep me on, dressed in clothes that, besides my socks, I bought myself. My parents, in their own ways, give a shit about me. I have a roof over my head with little danger of being kicked out, I have food and medicine and why can't I just be happy with all of that?
Instead, I start wishing to "be beautiful enough to love."
My mother concern trolled me with the Greatest Hits of Fat Shaming this morning. I don't know if I feel worse for being a disappointment to her or for letting this trolling get to me (She does it every time we eat out, eat with family, or order food). I had a few moments where I thought about only having water and cough drops today (I had actual food. OMG, McDonald's fruit and yogurt parfait, where have you been all of my life?) or finding ways to numb my tongue so that I wouldn't taste anything. (I didn't. I tasted everything I ate today.)
I'm still not comfortable with the way I am, and yet I can't be assed to change anything. So, I either get to feel bad for having no willpower, or feel bad because I'm ugly and unlovable. (I know that the "unlovable" bit isn't true, and that "ugly" is objective. Academically, I know this.)
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I wail about being ugly and unlovable, like looks and external validation are the only things that matter in this world. I am whining about this on a laptop that I paid for in a job where the tops want to keep me on, dressed in clothes that, besides my socks, I bought myself. My parents, in their own ways, give a shit about me. I have a roof over my head with little danger of being kicked out, I have food and medicine and why can't I just be happy with all of that?
Instead, I start wishing to "be beautiful enough to love."