anti-reality; qmi
fandom: Super Junior
pairing: qmi ♥
rating: err, pg-13?
word count: 1743
disclaimer: I wish I could own them. :/
summary: Zhou Mi is caught in a perpetual anti-reality. warning: character death, ∴ angstangstangst.
thank you (& massive "ilu"s) to applesnapple412 for beta-ing! also, I kind of love azyria a lot ♥
Zhou Mi is no longer fazed when Kyuhyun steps into the room, even though there are never the thuds of footsteps. Kyuhyun’s face is always gorgeous, albeit pale and tired.
“You’re back again.”
Kyuhyun steps over to the bed, sinks down next to Zhou Mi without the slightest sound. He gazes at Zhou Mi from behind thick lashes, looks away. “I’m always here.”
Zhou Mi frowns, hands fluttering, hesitant to reach out towards Kyuhyun. “You left last time.”
A crooked smile dances on Kyuhyun’s face, the quirky little smile that Zhou Mi loves, as he dodges the accusing tone in Zhou Mi’s voice.
“I’ll stay this time.” He inches closer, pillows his head on Zhou Mi’s shoulder; almost weightless arms settle around Zhou Mi’s waist - binding him, trapping him where he is.
Zhou Mi knows it’s a lie, but his subconscious has already surrendered to Kyuhyun’s embrace. Faint strains of Zhou Mi’s favorite Chinese ballad sung in a characteristic baritone wrap around both of them.
“I’ve missed you.”
--
two years ago
They were fresh out of college, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, in love, and positively assured that they were going to conquer the world. Zhou Mi aspired to be a fashion designer, and Kyuhyun was an erstwhile computer programmer but a dedicated Starcraft master. They seemed an unlikely pair as they went, but they ignored the criticisms, the veiled disgust, and lived happily in what Zhou Mi described as a "quaint" apartment near the graduate school where Zhou Mi took courses in design, color schemes, and oddly enough, pop culture ("Lady Gaga is very relevant to the fashion scene right now!" "Lady Gaga and fashion is just a bad romance." "...Kuixian, you're hilarious." "Thanks, I try.").
Kyuhyun learned Chinese, taught Zhou Mi idiomatic Korean expressions, and ordered take out every time after Zhou Mi failed at cooking. Zhou Mi took exorbitant amount of photos of both of them (or, mainly him - “You are such a camwhore.” “These are memories, Kui Xian, they have to be preserved!” “Fifty shots of your face in various emotions are not ‘memories’...”), tacked fashion sketches and fabric swatches all over the apartment, and attempted to learn how to cook via recipes downloaded from the Internet. As long as they had each other, they were certain of the future (whatever it may hold), satisfied, content.
Finally, Kyuhyun gave in to Zhou Mi's pleading, and put his voice to good use with a regular singing gig at a small bar halfway across town. It paid relatively well, and Kyuhyun immediately became a crowd-pleaser, much to Zhou Mi's delight.
("You're going to be a celebrity! And then I can dress you, like Lady Gaga, and -"
"But I'd much rather play Starcraft?"
"Why do you not understand the concept of grasping opportunities," Zhou Mi gripes.)
It was a late Friday night, and Kyuhyun's gig at the bar went late those nights due to the influx of people grabbing drinks after a long work week. It ended around two in the morning, and Zhou Mi worried about "sketchy people riding the metro so late, Kuixian, it's really not safe!" So Zhou Mi picked up Kyuhyun when the bar closed in his old, sputtering little Honda.
The air was cool and balmy for a night in June.
He remembers the brush of Kyuhyun's lips against his cheek as Kyuhyun strapped himself in, the smell of Kyuhyun - sweaty and musky, the stories from the bar that Kyuhyun recounted as they streaked past closed storefronts and streetlights.
He remembers tapping his fingers on the dashboard and complaining about how the light took so long to turn green and nobody else was even at the intersection, and Kyuhyun laughing at his impatience. Pressing his foot to the gas pedal when the light turned green, realizing with a jolt too late that the lights getting closer from the right side were too bright.
He remembers trying to react, but his movements were so sluggish. He remembers Kyuhyun turning to stare at him, his mouth open in shock, possibly surprise, before that sickening crunch of metal, a shout, the airbags exploding, the brief sensation of being catapulted into the air before the crash, landing on a hard surface, pain, pain, pain.
He remembers his last thought - where's Kui Xian? - before he sinks into the overwhelming blackness.
--
He wakes up, later, back at his apartment, the curtains drawn, the room completely dark. Kyuhyun is there, and Zhou Mi breathes a sigh of relief, cut short when Kyuhyun's eyes lock with his, Kyuhyun's fingers, abnormally cold (Kyuhyun has always had warm hands), run down the side of Zhou Mi's face.
"I'm sorry," Kyuhyun breathes. His skin is pale, too pale to be healthy; dark bags weigh down his eyes. Zhou Mi tries to lift his hands to embrace that beautiful, gorgeous face, but his hands remain like lead and refuse to move. He feels his eyes dart in their sockets - confused, frustrated, uncomprehending.
Phantom lips brush his forehead, in an almost déjà vu of that last kiss, the last time those soft lips grazed the skin of his cheek.
The room wobbles around him, and Zhou Mi's vision is spun back into darkness again. He strains to hear Kyuhyun whisper, "I love you.”
I love you too, Zhou Mi thinks silently, and doesn’t try to fight back the hot tears that travel down his cheeks.
--
present
Kyuhyun is a selfish, heartless bastard runs through Zhou Mi’s mind on a daily basis. Kyuhyun left for his own paradise, and didn’t think to take Zhou Mi with him.
“I hate you,” he voices aloud, and Kyuhyun’s face is suddenly right there, dark shadows dancing around his pupils, hair incriminatingly soft, lips full and pink.
“I’m sorry.” That’s all Kyuhyun ever says, I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry. Zhou Mi doesn’t know if he has it in his heart for forgiveness, for acceptance - he doesn’t know what his heart would consist of if it wasn’t filled with Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun tenses, draws away. “I have to go.”
Zhou Mi’s heart plummets; he inhales sharply, locks eyes with Kyuhyun. “You said you’d stay.” The accusatory tone enters his voice again, and he hates it; he hates accusing Kyuhyun even though it’s all his fault.
Kyuhyun avoids his eyes, stares past Zhou Mi’s head at the wall. “I have to go,” he repeats softly. Those familiarly warm hands stroke his cheek. Before Zhou Mi even registers Kyuhyun’s lips gentle and soft against his, Kyuhyun is gone.
His mind seemingly acts of its own accord; he’s suddenly hitting the blank white wall with his fists, pleading for Kyuhyun to come back, please come back, I need you, there is no life without you. The bones in his hand crunch, but all the nerves running through his body have gone numb, and he registers no pain. Each crunch reminds him of squealing brakes, metal twisting and colliding, that last surprised look on Kyuhyun’s face.
Vivid red tints the wall; Zhou Mi doesn't notice it.
--
“Sedative!” the nurse shouts, alarmed, and rushes into the room, several security guards running in behind her. It doesn’t take much effort to restrain the stick-thin, almost emaciated man blindly hitting the wall with his fists, tears streaming down his face, eyes unfocused and crazed.
Outside the room, observing through the glass window, stand two doctors. "What just happened?" the younger, dark-haired one asks, taken aback.
The older doctor sighs, brushes his honey-blond hair out of his eyes. "That's Zhou Mi. He has delusions of this man named Kyuhyun..."
"Bad delusions?"
The older doctor adjusts his neat, rimmed glasses. "No. Kyuhyun was Zhou Mi's previous lover. He was killed in a car crash two years ago - drunk driver. Zhou Mi sustained several critical injuries but made it after being in a coma for weeks.
Zhou Mi doesn't remember anything from the night of the crash, probably due to the trauma. Ever since he woke up, though, he believes Kyuhyun is still with him. He has a pleasant disposition when Kyuhyun is 'there'…but as you can see, he has fits and random acts of violence when Kyuhyun 'leaves'. He won't talk to us; the only information we have been able to gather about Kyuhyun have been from his family, who did not know too much about their relationship, and from observing Zhou Mi 'speaking' to Kyuhyun."
"When did he come here?"
"He stayed in the hospital after the accident for a few months because the doctors thought it was a temporary delusion, an after effect of the incident, if you will. However, Zhou Mi showed no signs of improvement, so they transferred him here. He's been with us now for about a year and a half."
Here, being the Lee Soo Man Facility for Mental Health. Where it was rumored the craziest in Korea went to live out the rest of their lives.
--
Zhou Mi remembers every vivid detail of that night, details he keeps locked up in a special place deep in his heart; he vows never to tell anyone because then those details wouldn't be his anymore, they would be taken away from him and maybe he would never get them back. He plays dumb, keeps silent, refuses to talk, and the doctors that examine him squint their eyes and shrug their shoulders and propose Zhou Mi has selective amnesia from the trauma of the accident.
All he wants is to see Kyuhyun again. Every time he tells himself it'll be the last time, but the next time Kyuhyun appears, it's always "only one more time," until soon Kyuhyun is like his drug (if he wasn't already); Zhou Mi can't live without seeing him.
--
The darkness is so comforting. It is silent, seductive, and so tempting to give in to and wash away the bitter pain and memories. Zhou Mi's eyelids are growing heavy, but he struggles to keep them open, searching, searching for Kyuhyun.
White blurs the edge of the darkness, but Zhou Mi can’t make out any details. Angels? Maybe he’s dead, in heaven, where Kyuhyun is an angel with a flawless voice that will welcome him with that wide grin, that certain smile that always accelerates Zhou Mi’s pulse and hits him with never-ending nostalgia.
He surrenders in the fight to keep his eyes open and they drift closed. Somewhere, far in the distance, he hears Kyuhyun’s laugh, and he smiles.
-fin-
comments = ♥ :3
pairing: qmi ♥
rating: err, pg-13?
word count: 1743
disclaimer: I wish I could own them. :/
summary: Zhou Mi is caught in a perpetual anti-reality. warning: character death, ∴ angstangstangst.
thank you (& massive "ilu"s) to applesnapple412 for beta-ing! also, I kind of love azyria a lot ♥
Zhou Mi is no longer fazed when Kyuhyun steps into the room, even though there are never the thuds of footsteps. Kyuhyun’s face is always gorgeous, albeit pale and tired.
“You’re back again.”
Kyuhyun steps over to the bed, sinks down next to Zhou Mi without the slightest sound. He gazes at Zhou Mi from behind thick lashes, looks away. “I’m always here.”
Zhou Mi frowns, hands fluttering, hesitant to reach out towards Kyuhyun. “You left last time.”
A crooked smile dances on Kyuhyun’s face, the quirky little smile that Zhou Mi loves, as he dodges the accusing tone in Zhou Mi’s voice.
“I’ll stay this time.” He inches closer, pillows his head on Zhou Mi’s shoulder; almost weightless arms settle around Zhou Mi’s waist - binding him, trapping him where he is.
Zhou Mi knows it’s a lie, but his subconscious has already surrendered to Kyuhyun’s embrace. Faint strains of Zhou Mi’s favorite Chinese ballad sung in a characteristic baritone wrap around both of them.
“I’ve missed you.”
--
two years ago
They were fresh out of college, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, in love, and positively assured that they were going to conquer the world. Zhou Mi aspired to be a fashion designer, and Kyuhyun was an erstwhile computer programmer but a dedicated Starcraft master. They seemed an unlikely pair as they went, but they ignored the criticisms, the veiled disgust, and lived happily in what Zhou Mi described as a "quaint" apartment near the graduate school where Zhou Mi took courses in design, color schemes, and oddly enough, pop culture ("Lady Gaga is very relevant to the fashion scene right now!" "Lady Gaga and fashion is just a bad romance." "...Kuixian, you're hilarious." "Thanks, I try.").
Kyuhyun learned Chinese, taught Zhou Mi idiomatic Korean expressions, and ordered take out every time after Zhou Mi failed at cooking. Zhou Mi took exorbitant amount of photos of both of them (or, mainly him - “You are such a camwhore.” “These are memories, Kui Xian, they have to be preserved!” “Fifty shots of your face in various emotions are not ‘memories’...”), tacked fashion sketches and fabric swatches all over the apartment, and attempted to learn how to cook via recipes downloaded from the Internet. As long as they had each other, they were certain of the future (whatever it may hold), satisfied, content.
Finally, Kyuhyun gave in to Zhou Mi's pleading, and put his voice to good use with a regular singing gig at a small bar halfway across town. It paid relatively well, and Kyuhyun immediately became a crowd-pleaser, much to Zhou Mi's delight.
("You're going to be a celebrity! And then I can dress you, like Lady Gaga, and -"
"But I'd much rather play Starcraft?"
"Why do you not understand the concept of grasping opportunities," Zhou Mi gripes.)
It was a late Friday night, and Kyuhyun's gig at the bar went late those nights due to the influx of people grabbing drinks after a long work week. It ended around two in the morning, and Zhou Mi worried about "sketchy people riding the metro so late, Kuixian, it's really not safe!" So Zhou Mi picked up Kyuhyun when the bar closed in his old, sputtering little Honda.
The air was cool and balmy for a night in June.
He remembers the brush of Kyuhyun's lips against his cheek as Kyuhyun strapped himself in, the smell of Kyuhyun - sweaty and musky, the stories from the bar that Kyuhyun recounted as they streaked past closed storefronts and streetlights.
He remembers tapping his fingers on the dashboard and complaining about how the light took so long to turn green and nobody else was even at the intersection, and Kyuhyun laughing at his impatience. Pressing his foot to the gas pedal when the light turned green, realizing with a jolt too late that the lights getting closer from the right side were too bright.
He remembers trying to react, but his movements were so sluggish. He remembers Kyuhyun turning to stare at him, his mouth open in shock, possibly surprise, before that sickening crunch of metal, a shout, the airbags exploding, the brief sensation of being catapulted into the air before the crash, landing on a hard surface, pain, pain, pain.
He remembers his last thought - where's Kui Xian? - before he sinks into the overwhelming blackness.
--
He wakes up, later, back at his apartment, the curtains drawn, the room completely dark. Kyuhyun is there, and Zhou Mi breathes a sigh of relief, cut short when Kyuhyun's eyes lock with his, Kyuhyun's fingers, abnormally cold (Kyuhyun has always had warm hands), run down the side of Zhou Mi's face.
"I'm sorry," Kyuhyun breathes. His skin is pale, too pale to be healthy; dark bags weigh down his eyes. Zhou Mi tries to lift his hands to embrace that beautiful, gorgeous face, but his hands remain like lead and refuse to move. He feels his eyes dart in their sockets - confused, frustrated, uncomprehending.
Phantom lips brush his forehead, in an almost déjà vu of that last kiss, the last time those soft lips grazed the skin of his cheek.
The room wobbles around him, and Zhou Mi's vision is spun back into darkness again. He strains to hear Kyuhyun whisper, "I love you.”
I love you too, Zhou Mi thinks silently, and doesn’t try to fight back the hot tears that travel down his cheeks.
--
present
Kyuhyun is a selfish, heartless bastard runs through Zhou Mi’s mind on a daily basis. Kyuhyun left for his own paradise, and didn’t think to take Zhou Mi with him.
“I hate you,” he voices aloud, and Kyuhyun’s face is suddenly right there, dark shadows dancing around his pupils, hair incriminatingly soft, lips full and pink.
“I’m sorry.” That’s all Kyuhyun ever says, I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry. Zhou Mi doesn’t know if he has it in his heart for forgiveness, for acceptance - he doesn’t know what his heart would consist of if it wasn’t filled with Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun tenses, draws away. “I have to go.”
Zhou Mi’s heart plummets; he inhales sharply, locks eyes with Kyuhyun. “You said you’d stay.” The accusatory tone enters his voice again, and he hates it; he hates accusing Kyuhyun even though it’s all his fault.
Kyuhyun avoids his eyes, stares past Zhou Mi’s head at the wall. “I have to go,” he repeats softly. Those familiarly warm hands stroke his cheek. Before Zhou Mi even registers Kyuhyun’s lips gentle and soft against his, Kyuhyun is gone.
His mind seemingly acts of its own accord; he’s suddenly hitting the blank white wall with his fists, pleading for Kyuhyun to come back, please come back, I need you, there is no life without you. The bones in his hand crunch, but all the nerves running through his body have gone numb, and he registers no pain. Each crunch reminds him of squealing brakes, metal twisting and colliding, that last surprised look on Kyuhyun’s face.
Vivid red tints the wall; Zhou Mi doesn't notice it.
--
“Sedative!” the nurse shouts, alarmed, and rushes into the room, several security guards running in behind her. It doesn’t take much effort to restrain the stick-thin, almost emaciated man blindly hitting the wall with his fists, tears streaming down his face, eyes unfocused and crazed.
Outside the room, observing through the glass window, stand two doctors. "What just happened?" the younger, dark-haired one asks, taken aback.
The older doctor sighs, brushes his honey-blond hair out of his eyes. "That's Zhou Mi. He has delusions of this man named Kyuhyun..."
"Bad delusions?"
The older doctor adjusts his neat, rimmed glasses. "No. Kyuhyun was Zhou Mi's previous lover. He was killed in a car crash two years ago - drunk driver. Zhou Mi sustained several critical injuries but made it after being in a coma for weeks.
Zhou Mi doesn't remember anything from the night of the crash, probably due to the trauma. Ever since he woke up, though, he believes Kyuhyun is still with him. He has a pleasant disposition when Kyuhyun is 'there'…but as you can see, he has fits and random acts of violence when Kyuhyun 'leaves'. He won't talk to us; the only information we have been able to gather about Kyuhyun have been from his family, who did not know too much about their relationship, and from observing Zhou Mi 'speaking' to Kyuhyun."
"When did he come here?"
"He stayed in the hospital after the accident for a few months because the doctors thought it was a temporary delusion, an after effect of the incident, if you will. However, Zhou Mi showed no signs of improvement, so they transferred him here. He's been with us now for about a year and a half."
Here, being the Lee Soo Man Facility for Mental Health. Where it was rumored the craziest in Korea went to live out the rest of their lives.
--
Zhou Mi remembers every vivid detail of that night, details he keeps locked up in a special place deep in his heart; he vows never to tell anyone because then those details wouldn't be his anymore, they would be taken away from him and maybe he would never get them back. He plays dumb, keeps silent, refuses to talk, and the doctors that examine him squint their eyes and shrug their shoulders and propose Zhou Mi has selective amnesia from the trauma of the accident.
All he wants is to see Kyuhyun again. Every time he tells himself it'll be the last time, but the next time Kyuhyun appears, it's always "only one more time," until soon Kyuhyun is like his drug (if he wasn't already); Zhou Mi can't live without seeing him.
--
The darkness is so comforting. It is silent, seductive, and so tempting to give in to and wash away the bitter pain and memories. Zhou Mi's eyelids are growing heavy, but he struggles to keep them open, searching, searching for Kyuhyun.
White blurs the edge of the darkness, but Zhou Mi can’t make out any details. Angels? Maybe he’s dead, in heaven, where Kyuhyun is an angel with a flawless voice that will welcome him with that wide grin, that certain smile that always accelerates Zhou Mi’s pulse and hits him with never-ending nostalgia.
He surrenders in the fight to keep his eyes open and they drift closed. Somewhere, far in the distance, he hears Kyuhyun’s laugh, and he smiles.
-fin-
comments = ♥ :3