College Esssayyyyha;keefugeqklug

[chot_channah]

Okay I haven't written in here in a billion years, butttt I need help making my essay shorter (and better).

So here it is:

The Friendship Club

I’m not going to lie to you; I was a pretty fantastic first grader. My block-building skills were something to envy. A small, shy Isobel Brown noticed this as she watched me build from across the

Comments

[xdefy_the_stars]

Awww, Izzy

[chot_channah]

ahh nica thankyou!! ur comments were very helpful, and yeah ur right the selfishness thing does sound weird and i probably shouldnt be all like yeah izzys awesome and im...her friend! i think i was trying to make her successes be about me cause i helped her but ur right that it kinda seems like im just in her shadow. so yeha is houdl fix that and the other stuff. thankyou!

whats ur college essay by the way? u should defintiely post it on lj so i can read it.

[jen411]

Ahh you wrote about Izzy! That's so CUTE!!

Ok, onto my suggestions:
1. I love how it's cutesy and personal like that, but some lines, like "I’m not going to lie to you", and "très chic jeunes filles", and "deep gooey trouble" are a bit superfluous. Get rid of "I'm not going to lie to you" in its entirety, change the second bit to two popular girls, or even, two girls, and get rid of the word "gooey". Anddd now you already have less words! Just go through, and made it a wee bit more formal, in that sense

[chot_channah]

oh jenny you are wonderful, with ur neatly numbered helpful comments. thankyou so much! yeah with the informal thing, i thought cause its like supposed to be creative and personal theres more leniency for that? il definitely ask my teacher about that tho, thanks. and passive voice is probably never a good thing anyway, and ur right i should make it more about me.. so yes basically ur awesome and thankyou and i love you!

and also, as i told nica, u should put ur college essay up so i can read itttttt.

<3

[xdefy_the_stars]

So, not to just post this just to contradict Jenny or anything, but a college essay is completely different than an analytical paper for English class. If you read essays on college websites that they picked as "exceptional" or "essays that matter" or whatever, they don't sound overly formal. And all the sites talk about "developing voice," meaning it should actually sound like you wrote it, and that it's unique to you. Definitely see what Crick says, but the little things like "gooey trouble" make it you-- they stand out and make it more interesting. Also check on the contractions, but I think you should leave them in, because again it makes it sound like you and WAY more natural. Not like "hey-I'm-smart-and-separate-my-words-in-two-can-I-go-to-college-now-please?"

Oh and passive voice is bad, like noun acting on the verb instead of the other way around, but if something happened 12 years ago, I don't think you necessarily need to put it in the present, as long as you trace past events to the present and show how they're important

[chot_channah]

okay cool thats what i thought... but yeah u guys are both right about passive voice and tense and stuff, thankyou!!

[lovely_spam27]

Wow...

That was REALLY good.

I'm jealous I didn't get to grow up with you.

I don't really know how to make it shorter, though. I mean, just go through and any ANYwhere it sounds a little too wordy, rework it.

<333Kate

[chot_channah]

kaaatttee i love you, thankyou so much, u make my day.

and i may not have grown up elementary school wise with you, but at the end of this year i will have been growing up with you for 6 years. thats a fucking long time.

<3 (put ur essay up, i wanna read it!)

[youremyvitamins]

I've already read this, but I still love it. You're the best.

[chot_channah]

I love you (clearly).

[tidaleyes]

Hannah, this essay is adorable and the only criticism I have of it is pretty much what Nica and Jenny said. I especially love the very beginning about the Friendship Club. It's cute but something most people can relate to as well. I agree especially with what Jenny said about making it more about you. I like the idea of how you helped Izzy through stuff but it felt a little bit too much like an essay about Izzy and not an essay about Hannah. Still, though... GOOD STUFF.

(Also, I'd just like to say, I won an honorable mention in that Willow Books poetry contest in 5th grade and I have a newspaper clipping from the Beacon of me and Izzy but I didn't know her at the time. I didn't know she won, though! Wow! She's such a beast. And I thought I was cool with my "honorable mention". sheesh.)

[chot_channah]

nora, thankyou! yeah im trying to make it more about me, thanks, thatll probably also help to cut it down...

i hear u wrote about ur shoes. thats pretty sweet.

and thats so funny that u were in that poetry contest too haha! her poem was about like a tree through the seasons. it was pretty cute.