AmberMUSH Operetta, Act II
Because the thing in its entirety was just too long for Livejournal.
ACT III
Scene. - Niemand's bar, a virtually empty tavern with shifting scenery
representing its chaotic nature. The tables shudder, slide, burble and glow
alternately. SIEGFRIED is seated at one table that seems to be less
annoying than the others, it merely ripples every few minutes. SIEGFRIED
seems depressed, nursing a bubbling, smoking, frothy drink.
SONG - SIEGFRIED.
Concieve me if you can
A young Chaosian.
A commonplace type
With no sword in a fight
And bred from several men.
Who thinks an FCS,
A drink for culture's best..
Who eats silly dinners
So doesn't get thinner
Though he changes his shape again
And again
And again
And again....
Concieve me if you can
A true chaosian
A mismatched cacophany,
Half bred from sodomy
Nifty chaosian.
An odd chaosian
A real chaosian
A bubbling and burbelling
Twisting and blistering
Shifty chaosian.
A wierd Chaosian
A shifty Chaosian
With hair that is rippley,
Wavy and simply something
We all think cool.
(SEIGFREID regards the drink for a few moments, then carefully pushes it away.)
SIEG. It's no use. Barely a day has gone by in my newfound position, and yet I cannot reconcile myself to this monstrous life. Why, look at this drink... one could scarcely smell its vapours without losing control of several important bodily functions, drinking it might well preclude the need for them. (Sighs)
Enter AZUTH. He is wearing a cheap disguise consisiting of a fake rubber nose, mustache, and glasses.
SIEG. (Morosely) Hi Azuth.
AZUTH. (Jumping in surprise) Ah, hello... (looks around the room) Haven't seen Benedict anywhere, have you?
SIEG. (Shakes his head)
AZUTH. (Taking off his disguise) Good. So, Siegfried, little brother, how are you finding your new life?
(The Chaos Chorus is gradually entering the bar as time passes).
SIEG. I don't know how you Chaosians...
AZUTH. (Interrupting) _Us_ Chaosians...
SIEG. Us Chaosians. Oh irony, that I should be saying such a thing... I, who was once touted as the heir to the throne of Amber...
AZUTH. (Grinning evilly) Yes, ironic, isn't it? But buck up, you're going to have so much more fun this way. Now drink that Flaming Chaos Special and I'll begin instructing you in the proper deportment of a man of Hendrake.
SIEG. Let's just go straight to the lessons.
SONG - AZUTH. and CHAOS CHORUS.
BOTH: To be of Chaos ancestry
You need to balance Lechery
With equal parts of deviltry
Tears, greed, and trigonometry
You're stuck with us,
Don't make a fuss --
And don't forget the larceny
Which is a very major part of having Chaos ancestry!
AZUTH. Your veins are filled with Chaos blood,
Which Amberites find slippery
You'll have to learn to Shapeshift, 'cause
The shiftless can't make frippery
Like extra eyes, some horns, a cud
To chew upon in ecstasy!
And if you should get funny looks
Just blame it on your family
If there's a fuss
Don't fight or cuss
Just blame it on your ancestry!
CHORUS To be of Chaos ancestry, &c.
AZUTH. If you're would be of Chaos blood,
You ought to be malevolent
Yeah, Loyalty's a virtue,
But your virtues are irrelevant
So lock them in a closet
In a box labeled 'benevolence'
And if you get in trouble,
Simply call it an inheritance!
Your hair is mussed
Your hopes are dust
Indulge yourself in death and lust!
CHORUS: To be of Chaos ancestry, &c.
Enter CHARITY. pointedly ignoring SIEGFRIED.
SIEG. Chast... er, Charity!
CHAR. Hello Azuth. Nice to see you.
AZUTH. Charity, you're looking as lovely as ever.
CHAR. I know. Care to sit with me, Azuth, seeing as how you're not some one who would lead you on, claiming to be an Amberite then turning out to be Chaosian?
SIEG. Hey!
AZUTH. Oh, don't be so hard on him. Sure, he lied and cheated, sure he played you for a fool. Is the mere fact that he betrayed your love and trust reason enough to shun the guy?
SIEG. I had nothing to do with that! Flora never told me anything about any of this sordid sex-swapping stuff...
AZUTH. (quickly) Yes, yes, we all know the gory details, no need to dwell on them. Let's just skip to the end, where you two are irreconcilably parted. Now, Charity, have I ever shown you my rooms in the great hall of Hendrake?
CHAR. Siegfried, please don't make this hard for both of us.
SIEG. You don't love me anymore then?
SONG - CHARITY and SIEGFRIED.
CHAR. I love you, but now you're not what I expected,
I find that, while it's not *you* that I've rejected,
There's no way -- I can't pretend I'm not affected,
Because I am!
SEIG. I love you, but I'm afraid that I have wrecked it,
I don't see -- why can't you see I've not defected?
I find that, tho' there's no way I'd have suspected,
It's who I am!
CHAR. I love you, but -- I love you, but. . .
SEIG. I love you, but -- but O, but what?
CHAR. But I can only ever love an Amberite!
SEIG. But you loved me before, and how can this be right?
CHAR. I love you, but what if I've been misdirected?
I don't know, if I can bear to be corrected,
But I see, the love within your eyes reflected,
In love? I am!
SEIG. I love you, but I'm afraid your heart's protected,
Seigfried has disconnected.
Seigfried has connected.
Your own, I am!
BOTH: I love you, but -- I love you, but --
But in my heart, I don't know what --
What we can do about this love so right,
SIEGFRIED. CHARITY.
Because I am not, Because you are not,
BOTH: After all. . .an Amberite!
AZUTH. Yes, yes, not an Amberite. As I said, irreconcilable. Siegfried, why don't you go over there and practice your shapeshifting again?
SIEG. I don't know what the problem is with that, you'd think that with the blood of the King of Chaos in you that shapeshifting would come naturally. All I get is a headache and a somewhat silly expression.
Siegfried moves off to one side, concentrating and wiggling his eyebrows.
AZUTH. Ah, my dear, relatively alone at last. So tell me, now that you've had this terrible heartbreak and are wracked with grief... wanna go back to my place and fool around?
SONG - CHARITY. and CHAOS CHORUS.
CHAR. Words such as yours
Could turn a maiden's head
Could leave her turning red
And a conquest, well, assure.
With your bloodline's might
I could readily accept
If you hadn't slept
With eleven men one night!
Benedict and Brand,
Corwin, Finndo, Rand-
RAND. Hey!
CHAR. -om, Julian and Caine,
And the four I haven't named!
CHORUS. Words such as yours, &c.
CHAR. With Eric, what's it like?
To sleep with a King?
Where'd he put his crown?
Did he hang it from his ...
CHORUS. Words like yours just might
Have won a maidenhead
If you hadn't gone to bed
With the Elder Amberites
CHAR. What's it like with Brand?
Did he really burn the sheets?
Does he ever Trump about?
And is he any good to ...
CHORUS. Words such as yours, &c.
CHAR. Does Finndo ever smile?
Do his shoulders ever shake?
Does he wave around his...blade?
Did he ever...?
AZUTH can bear it no longer. He holds up a hand for her to stop then leans forward, singing in a hushed whisper:
AZUTH. I didn't do it, I wasn't there,
I'm not involved, Oh babe, I swear!
Fair maid, I've paid For Jenner's lies
And my reflection in your eyes
Shows only scorn, But this I swear...
I didn't do it, I wasn't there!
Eleven men! You say, and me...
This taints my masculinity!
I must protest, I wasn't there...
I wouldn't do that, babe, I swear!
Sweet maiden come, kiss from my eyes
The tears brought on by Jenner's lies
And this I swear, to Hell and gone --
I didn't do it...'less it turns you on!
CHAR. You mean Jenner lied?
AZUTH. Of course he lied! He's the King of Chaos, it's practically in the job description! Now look, this must be our secret, okay? You play your cards right and you could be dea lt into this tinyplot in a really important
way. Wanna come up to my rooms and discuss it?
CHAR. Ooooh, I'd love to. Unfortunately I'm just so pressed for time, I must dash. Oh look, isn't that Prince Benedict?
AZUTH. makes a strangled sort of noise, snatches out a playing card of some sort from his accoutrements and stares into it, vanishing in an explosion of silver and green flame.
CHAR. Siegfried, my only love!
CHARITY. rushes over to SIEGFRIED.
SIEG. Charity?
CHAR. Siegfried, Azuth just let slip that King Jenner lied about your being his son! FLORA did sleep with all her brothers to conceive you!
SIEG. It really distresses me that I find that to be good news. But! Good news it is! Oh Charity, my one true love, their lies could not keep us apart!
CHAR. You're really the heir to Amber, Avalon and De'alund now!
SIEG. And just when I was going to bring up my evil twin subplot! Oh well, I'll save it for another day. Just now, we have to come up with a tinyplot of our own, something that will make these dastardly plans fail!
SONG - SIEGFRIED. and CHARITY. (Away, Away!, 'Pirates of Penzance')
BOTH. Away away, my heart's on fire,
I've yearned this base deception to repay!
This very night, my vengance dire
Shall plot to blow it all away, away!
SIEG. Away away, ere I expire,
No lurking evil twin to mar the play,
In shadows deep, their plot I'll mire
This strikes me to the core, away away!
CHAR. With falsehood foul they drove you from your kin,
Let vengance howl and wizard approval win,
Our love divine he ruined with his lies
And in return tonight the plot it dies!
BOTH. Yes, yes, tonight the plot it dies!
CHAR. Tonight it dies!
SIEG. (checking his watch) Yes or early tomorrow.
CHAR. His plans for lives...
SIEG. They will wither in sorrow!
CHAR. There is one soft spot
SIEG. In our nature we cherish
CHAR. And all who plot
SIEG. To abuse it will perish!
BOTH. To-night it dies or so early tomorrow,
His plans for lives they will wither in sorrow
Love is the spot in our natures we cherish
And all who plot to abuse it shall perish!
Away away, away!
Tonight the plot it dies!
Away tonight, the plot it dies tonight, away!
Exit SIEGFRIED and CHARITY.
Scene. - The Courtyard of the Lords, a great open area with a swirling sky and wavering scenery. The towering spires of the Courts of Chaos can be seen in the distance.
Enter the CHAOS LORDS with the CHAOS CHORUS.
SONG - JENNER. with CHAOS CHORUS. (O Man of Dark and Dismal Fate, 'Pirates of Penzance')
JENNER: O land of fatal dark abyss,
O Houses strong and true
What greater land than this?
What finer Houses than you?
What finer House?
What finer House?
Indeed, what finer House?
These Houses here arrayed
That we are proud to call our own!
O, Chaos!
In finery displayed
And throughout every Shadow known!
O, Chaos!
We will call out our names,
To tell our history, fine and old
In order of our fames
To garner earned acclaims
To tell of all our exploit and our cooooonquests bold
O, Chaos!
In order of our fames
To garner earned acclaims
To tell of all our exploit and our cooooonquests bold
O, Chaos!
CHAOS CHORUS sings, in parts:
We're ruled first of all And then we've the
the Hendrakes minorer Houses
And troubled by rebels in Made up mostly of Lords and
Mandrake their spouses
And both of the Houses of There's Lorgrim and Rathorn, but
Sawall and Helgram but Usher got lost
Got in with the program! When into the Abyss tossed!
We've Aspnes, Stryl, and The Barimen Gothical
blue Jesby flavor,
And semi-ept plotting in And Amblerash RE-ligious
Jes'mine fervor,
And watching ol' Chanicut Lane, Thanlis, Mamoru, are Petty,
making a break but rousted
From the Jennifer Von Raka And a couple of others we've
headache! ousted!
JENNER. Although our long careers may oft
Involve the act of killing,
We like at least to make it look
Like we're not fully willing.
Although we live by strife,
We're always sorry to begin it
And tend to let it peter out
When OOC stuff gets in it.
ALL. Hail, hail consent, thou bastion strong!
Thou keepest all from going wrong
Hail, when we don't want to die just yet
All hail, Divine Emollient.
The Lords array themselves in an attentive manner as AMON scurries forwards with a low throne, which JENNER reposes upon.
AMON. All rise, all rise. This, the eight millionth, nine hundred and seventy thousandth, four hundred and sixty first session of the Courts of Chaos is now in session. King Jenner of Chaos will be accepting petitions before the main event.
SONG - JENNER, AZUTH, various PETITIONERS, CHAOS CHORUS.
PETIT.I have a complaint against House Stryl,
Though I know you like their spikes,
Could you send the army still?
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT Can you sign this grant?
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT. Kill my aunt?
JENNER Never ever.
PETIT. Guard my House?
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT. Free my spouse?
JENNER. Never EVER.
AZUTH. Shoop-shoo-wa-oo ...
JENNER. Never ever ...
JENNER. I am Jenner, the Chaos King,
Never ask me anything;
What strengthens your House only weakens my own,
If I grant your requests you'd make a play for the throne,
CHORUS. (shocked) Never ever!
JENNER. My policy's simple, don't do anything;
And the Houses will take it if I do one thing,
If I keep Amber down, then they won't make a fight.
So if Siegfried's my son, he can be no Amberite.
CHORUS Never ever!
PETIT. (Changing music drastically)
Did I ever tell you you're my hero,
And everything I would want to be ...
(He goes down under a surge of annoyed Chaosites.)
JENNER. No Amberite
AZUTH. NEVER EVER!
PETIT. I have some legitimate business,
I'm a Black Circle Shadow Prince,
I bring a gen'rous trade 'greement,
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT. I'm the architect who remodeled your throne,
I'm afraid that you might find
A little flaw in the desi(gn) ...
JENNER. (peremptorially) Never ever.
PETIT. Can you say who does your hair?
JENNER. Never ever.
SHA KATRIL. You should look into my stare!
JENNER. Never ever.
I am Jenner, the Chaos King,
And I am slick,
CHORUS. JENNER.
Schick schick schick I am Jenner, the Chaos King
Schick schick schick My word is woe.
JENNER. I am Jenner, the Chaos King
No son of mine is an Amberite
AZUTH. (scream, high-pitched, triumphant) Never ever!
JENNER. An Amberite...
AZUTH. Never ever...
JENNER sits down firmly. The throne collapses under him, but he springs to his feet again and waves a few demons forward. They grab the petitioner who mentioned the throne and carry him off, wailing.
JENNER. That's better. Now, you all know the reason for this gathering: to wit, our royal recognition of the heritage of Siegfried, who has been lost yet now is found. Call forth my son!
AZUTH. Here I am, father.
JENNER. (grabs AZUTH aside) Not you, lackwit! The dupe, where's the dupe?
Enter SIEGFRIED. with CHARITY. on his arm.
SIEG. Here I am... father.
AZUTH (goggles at CHARITY)
JENNER. Ah. Good. Come then, Amon, let's make this official.
SONG - AMON. and CHAOS CHORUS.
There're things to be defined,
And I'll define them as we go along;
This pre-natal agreement will (we hope)
Keep things from going wrong.
Before you can be born there are
Some things that you will have to know:
You mustn't rock the boat nor yet
Disturb the current status-quo
This is the standard contract,
And the one that you will have to sign:
And yet before you put your signature
Upon the dotted line. . .
The party of the first part
And the one who will your father be,
Is Jenner, King of Chaos
And the height of current royalty
Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royalty,
Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royalty,
Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royal, royalty!
The party of the second part
And heir unto the Chaos Throne
Is Azuth; in succession terms
You're next in line to him alone,
This contract is immutable
Once signed it cannot e'er be changed;
And now you understand just how
Your place in line has been arranged,
And who you are, and what you'll be,
And what the terms of contract are;
If you accept without complaint
These details as laid out so far. . .
Please take the pen, and sign your name
And join the Hendrake family...
And join us 'gainst the Amberites
Like everybody else should be!
And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everybody else should be,
And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everybody else should be,
And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everbody else should be,
should be!
SIEGFRIED makes a great show of examining the contract while this is going on.
SIEG. Hmm. Excuse me, I've got a question...
JENNER. And what might that be?
SIEG. Well, it says here that the line of succession is through the next male child.
JENNER. So?
SIEG. Well, Azuth's status as a male child is, if not invalidated, is at least held in question. After all, he's spent at least some time as your daughter, hasn't he?
AZUTH. Now just a minute here!
AMON. My liege, he has a point.
JENNER. Oh. Yes. Well.
AZUTH. You're not going to take that seriously, are you?
SIEG. Well if boffing most of the male line of Oberon while in a female shape doesn't affect the firstborn male status, what can?
(General snickering from the assembled Lords ensues.)
JENNER. Hmm... well...
AZUTH. IT'S A LIE! I NEVER SLEPT WITH ANY OF THEM! JENNER WAS LYING!
(The assembled Lords gasp!)
JENNER. You little... (he zarks AZUTH with a logrus tendril)
SIEG. Aha! There, I've been cleared, I'm an Amberite again!
(The assembled Lords turn to SIEGFRIED, pulling out weapons and unsheathing claws.)
CHAR. Uh-oh. Was this part of the plan?
SIEG. Nope. The only thing that could save us now is the completely co-incidental arrival of reinforcements...
Suddenly, in a blaze of pyrotechnics, FINNDO arrives with a full army and the shadow king song in full blast.
SIEG. Quick Charity, while this handy distraction is going on!
Exit SIEGFREID and CHARITY.
Scene. - Castle Amber, the main hall. Dust and cobwebs cover this little-used area. SIEGFRIED and CHARITY enter, beating off the clutching hands of a horde of Amber guards. Drawn by the commotion, enter the ELDER CHORUS and FLORA.
CHORUS. Intruders in our halls? Sound the alarm!
SIEG. Stop! Before you lose your senses,
Stop! And hear these great offenses
Now the truth is clear!
Jenner told us all a falsehood,
I am not a bit of his blood,
That was insincere!
FLORA covers her face in hands.
FLORA. Oh, great.
Enter Sean Connery as OBERON, chuckling.
OBERON. Ha ha!
ALL look startled, looking from Siegfried to Oberon,
CHORUS. Oh, wait...
OBERON laughs more, a jolly laugh with a hint of evil,
OBERON. Ho ho! Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho!
BLEYS. I don't mean to interrupt you, but... Oberon? Father of us all?
OBERON. The same. Siegfried, my boy, you look well.
ALL. My boy? He's YOUR son?
OBERON. Mine and only mine. Sorry Flora, but I hypnotised you into thinking he was your son. In fact, that entire masque-ball was an illusion of mine.
ERIC. Well that's really out of left field. What kind of plotting is this?
OBERON. Mind your manners, lad.
ERIC. Sorry.
OBERON. You see, this was all a tinyplot of mine.
SIEG. A tinyplot?
ALL. A tinyplot, a tinyplot, a most ingenious tinyplot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
A tinyplot, a tinyplot, with mind-control we have a lot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
ENTER the CHAOS CHORUS, the WEB CHORUS, and just darn near everyone who has been mentioned so far, including those listed as dead.
OBERON. And now revealed as my son, 'tis time for you to walk the pattern!
ALL. The pattern!
The walls fall back, revealing a shining room with an intricate pattern on the floor. SIEGFRIED shakes hands all around and steps onto the design.
SIEGFRIED explodes into flame and burns messily.
As all watch stunned the curtain closes off that area of the stage and OBERON walks forward.
OBERON. Another amnesiac orphan twin. Someone had to take a stand.
FINALE - OBERON. and CHORUS. (As One Day It May Happen, 'Mikado')
OBERON. As every day it happens that annoyers do appear,
I have a little list, I've got a little list
Of AmberMUSH offenders we can send to the Abyss,
And who never would be missed, - who never would be missed!
There's uninflected typists who can't spell or punctuate,
And those who during Bar-room brawls insist on HOLD and wait;
And there are those (except Finndo) who just don't seem to see
That using complete sentences is simple courtesy;
And those who, to a good TP bring their own thoughtless twist -
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of them be missed!
CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em
be missed.
OBERON. There's those who strut and swagger on, and flaunt their Psyche stats,
I think you get the gist - I've got 'em on the list!
And married folks who use the Bar to have their little spats
They never would be missed - they never would be missed!
And those who smash their glasses after they've consumed their drinks,
And Ares Viper guns of Doom; and 100 Warfare twinks
And anyone whose character is just there to be 'cute,'
In such a violent place as this, their presence seems, well, moot.
And eyes that pierce your very soul -- how very fatalist!
I don't think they'd be missed - I'm *sure* they'd not be missed.
CHORUS. He's got them on the list - he's got them on the list;
And I don't think they'll be missed -- I'm *sure* they'll not
be missed!
OBERON. And people you have never seen, who somehow know your name,
And greet you *so* familiarly - I've got *them* on the list!
And folks who feel free to be rude, 'cause this is just a game,
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed.
And every single sorcerer who conjures pointless things,
And dumb, obnoxious characters with their silly verbal zings;
And last of all but hardly least -- or so it seems to me --
Are those who will, at random, start their poses 'OOC:'
But it doesn't really matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em
be missed!
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------
Credits: This was a joint project, with input from several people. In alphabetical order they are: Angela Beegle, Keely Danine, Michael McAleese, Malcolm McCallum, and helpful suggestions from many nameless people (you know who you are). Thanks are due to the players of AmberMUSH, who have been surprisingly good-natured about the whole thing. Greater thanks to Gilbert and Sullivan, who wrote the finest in comic light opera. If you haven't yet been exposed to G&S, try "The Pirates of Penzance", out on video starring Kevin Kline, Angela Lansbury, Linda Ronstadt, George Rose and Rex Smith. Songs in this parody were taken mostly from Pirates and "The Mikado", with bits from "H.M.S. Pinafore" and others tossed in, along with a few original works.
SONG SOURCES
ACT I
Introduction, to tune of 'To Sit In Sullen Silence', from 'The Mikado', Act I
'So please you all, I much regret' -- 'So please you, sir, we much regret', 'The Mikado', Act I
'A wandering warrior I' -- 'A wandring minstrel I', 'The Mikado', Act I
The Parent Problem Song -- a mix of tunes, all titles unknown.
"Looking for Amber Love" -- original, no tune
Love Pure And True Duet -- Original, no tune
I am an Evil Dragon song. -- "La Donna e Mobile". 'Il Rigoletto'
'A more powerful sorceress' -- 'A more humane Mikado never', 'The Mikado', Act II
'I'm Prince among princes' -- 'The Owl and the Pussycat', a childrens' song
'I have to kill you, Sha Katril' -- 'Modern Major General', Pirates of Penzance, Act I.
'If we had a life', to tune of "Heaven Help My Heart", 'CHESS'
'The Man from Shadow General,' -- 'Modern Major General', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I.
ACT II
The Amber Guard Song -- 'When the foeman bares his steel', Pirates of Penzance, Act II
'I made eye-contact with an Amberite' -- 'I am the Captain of the Pinafore', HMS Pinafore, Act I.
The Shadow King song -- 'I am a Pirate King', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I
'Oh is there not one elder breast' -- 'Oh is there not one maiden here', 'The Mikado', Act I.
'Oh family deaf to newbie's name' -- 'Oh sisters deaf to pity's name', 'The Pirates of Penzance', Act I
'Poor wandring one' -- 'Poor wandring one', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I
'I have this day my son discovered' -- tune unknown.
Elder's Sextet -- Quartet song in 'CHESS'
'I can't believe the story I just heard' -- Original, no tune
Lag Song -- 'With Cat-like Tread Upon Our Prey We Steal', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act II
'Three Very Violent Girls are we' -- 'Three Little Girls from School are we', 'The Mikado', Act I
'Although for most people one story is plenty' -- 'When you had left our Pirate's fold', 'Pirates of Penzance, Act II
'We are dashing elder Princes' -- 'We are dainty little fairies', G&S (unknown)
ACT III
'Concieve me if you can' -- 'Everyday young man', 'Patience', Act II
'To be of Chaos ancestry' -- Original, no tune. Vaguely G&S
'I love you, but' -- Original, no tune.
'Words such as yours could turn a maiden's head' -- Original, no tune.
'Away away, my heart's on fire' -- Trio, 'Away, Away, my heart's on fire', 'Pirates of Penzance' Act II
'O land of fatal dark abyss' -- 'O men of dark and dismal fate', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I (and songs following, as in 'Pirates')
Never Ever Song -- Original, no tune
'There're things to be defined' -- 'Modern Major General', 'Pirates of Penzance' Act I
'Stop! Before you lose your senses' -- 'Stay, we must not lose our senses', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I
Tinyplot Song -- 'With Cat-like Tread Upon Our Prey We Steal', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act II
'No more sad times' -- 'Happy Endings', taken directly from the soundtrack of 'The Pirate Movie', The Peter Cupples Band/Written by Terry Britten, B.A. Robertson and Sue Shifrin. Copyrighted by JHI Pty. Ltd., 1981
'As every day it happens that annoyers do appear' -- 'As some day it may happen that a victim must be found', 'The Mikado', Act I
ANNOTATIONS
The Annotated AmberMUSH Operetta files.
Act I, the World's End Bar
'He's probably an amnesiac orphan twin, too'
There for a while, around the end of 1992-early 1993, it seemed like every pregnancy on the MUSH ended up being twins. Any number of orphans and amnesiacs showed up at the same time. In fact, for reasons unknown to us, these things come in waves: for a while, every new character was Japanese, then every new character was a dragon in disguise, and that sort of thing. And the players had no apparent previous contact -- this was not an organized wave of similar characters. It just happened, and it got amusing after a while. As far as we know, there never was a character who actually was an amnesiac orphan twin.
'There are sugar-candy crowns of Amber in half the Bars in Shadow'
This schtick ran for a couple of weeks. The 'crowns' were so popular that there were a bunch in the back room of the WEB for a time. King Eric didn't find the joke to be nearly as funny as everyone else did. Usagi's player wrote the following song titled "Banned From Amber", and this, and the aforementioned RP, went toward the creation of this line.
They didn't sweep the castle, so all visitors were barred.
We snuck into the storage rooms and bribed the castle guard.
A week the crown was missing ere it reappeared in place.
Now homespun Crowns of Amber are in bars through time and space.
Yes we're banned from Amber, everyone...
Banned from Amber just for having a little fun...
We'll travel there through Shadow and request a castle tour...
But Amber doesn't want us any more.
We'll stay spread out in Chaos and look at the castle walls.
Let Oberon's descendants fight their kin 'till Amber falls.
We'll enter through the Black Road and then dig on Mount Kolvir.
We'll desecrate the Pattern and end Amber's final year.
(Usagi's player says "The song itself is completely invented; nobody stole the Crown in order to make sugar crowns. The only part of that that's real is the existence of the sugar crowns. I wasn't the first to order one; I think it was Crash who did. Some Amberite got a little mad seeing someone eat a crown of Amber, and from then on it more or less stopped. :-)")
'I'm Unofficial Helper to the newbie sort, that is, if I don't eat them as a snack.'
Azuth has been known to eat Guests and newbies, with a knife and fork, though he hasn't done it much lately. cf, his usual @doing.
'You mean I can't just say I have (get(parent/Amberprince[rand(10)])) as my father?'
A coding-joke, for those not in the know. This should randomly return one of 9 names contained in individual attributes named Amberprince0, Amberprince1, Amberprince2, and so forth, through Amberprince9. Obviously, this line cannot be actually spoken, or if it were, would read "Open paren get open paren parent backslash Amberprince openbracket rand open paren ten close paren close bracket close paren close paren." Hee.
'Half-blood, son of both am I'
Azuth is the son of Jenner, King of Chaos, and Princess Fiona of Amber. He is, therefore, a very strong character by birth.
'Of course, by the time they can call up Pattern, *I* can have called up the Logrus and whipped their butts.'
Azuth actually said this one day in a conversation with his Pattern-initiate sister Svetlana, which is why I felt compelled to include it. And apparently, Logrus-users can raise the Logrus faster than the average Pattern-User can raise the Pattern. So.
Enter CHASTITY
It should be noted that she starts out as 'Chastity' but ends up being 'Charity' for obvious (LECHER CHORUS) reasons.
Sha Katril's Evil Dragon Song
The music is from the opera 'Il Rigoletto' but the actual inspiration came from a Garrison Keillor spoof-song titled 'I am a tenor'. No, it's not the least bit Gilbert & Sullivan-esque. It's true Opera.
Prince Bleys's song, "What a great guy I am."
His colors are, of course, red and orange, and his hair is red which means they all clash horribly.
He did, at one point, ask several young women to pose for Trumps, nude. He called this 'art' in an attempt to break through their various defenses. He never did manage to convince any of them to actually pose nude.
Caris...Priss...Sabbath
A recurring trio who spent a lot of time together. The character named 'Priss' is now dead, as is the character named 'Sabbath'.
'Suddenly, he can't take his Tech too far'
Shadow General Hospital is known for amazingly-fast healtimes, and a nearly-unbelieveable level of technology. Handy in situations where somebody's just been skewered.
ACT II
'Oh no, it's Flora!'
One of the Amberite Princesses, she is known (and herein portrayed) as the easiest of the princesses to bed.
The Elder's song with Flora
True, this music is not the least bit G&S-esque. But when we were looking for a song meant for many individual singers, each with a part of his own, it fit the need perfectly. It allows any number of the Princes to sing. If you aren't familiar with CHESS, go right out and buy the London version. Seriously. Not the Broadway version.
'The Masque-ball night I coxs'n'd all the crew?'
This line was suggested by a Seattle non-MUD friend of Angela's. The Coxswain (pronounced "cox'n") sits in the front of a racing scull with a megaphone and calls out 'Stroke! stroke! stroke!' *blush*
'All hail, the lag is here! Please don't try to make that clear!'
This refers to the unfortunate habit some people have of typing blindly into the lag, to tell everyone how lagged they are.
'Here they come with railguns blazing!'
Priss's &SHORT-DESC for a long time was "Little miss blazing railguns."
'Virtues of the Ares Viper praising!'
Everybody from Seattle, it seems, carries an Ares Viper. Nasty weapons, with a laser-sight, which automatically dances on the forehead of the intended victim when aimed.
'From three Violent Girls take one away'
This line was originally sung by Sabbath, and was written at the time that Sabbath's husband Gahron was killed, and Sabbath feigned her own death. Shortly thereafter, Sabbath's player died in a car accident. This line predates that unfortunate occurrance and is not intended to refer to that at all.
ACT III
'Who thinks an FCS, A drink for culture's best.'
A Flaming Chaos Special is said to contain raw Chaos and cannot be consumed by anyone who does not have Shapeshifting. It should be noted, that doesn't stop people.
'proper deportment of a man of Hendrake.'
Hendrake has a horrible reputation as being a house of Lechers, when it's not being the house of Angst. King Finndo once said "Half Chaos call me Finndo cause half Hendrake can't keep it in their pants." Finndo's wife Lerias was from House Hendrake, so Azuth and Morlys and people can call him Finndo and get away with it. It's referring to House Hendrake's imagined propensity for sleeping around. Representatives of Hendrake deny this categorically, this is our story, and we're sticking to it.
'Azuth vanishes in an explosion of silver and green flame.'
This is Azuth's usual way of appearing and departing, and has something to do with his Sorcery.
'I was going to bring up my evil twin subplot!'
There were a number of Evil Twins running around for a while. Ramen's evil twin Nemar was one; Azuth had one. Finndo had one named Findo, whom he killed.
'And troubled by rebels in Mandrake And both of the Houses of Sawall and Helgram'
This refers to the recent secession plot.
'Usher got lost When into the Abyss tossed!'
So the story goes, House Usher was tossed physically into the Abyss after Pattern-draw, and was retrieved recently.
'And semi-ept plotting in Jes'mine!'
A quote from a letter on the Amber-General mailing list regarding the indivual identifying characteristics of the various Houses.
'And watching ol' Chanicut making a break From the Jennifer Von Raka headache!'
Jvraka was killed by Brand with Greyswandir, but came back to life. She also spoke in an official capacity for House Chanicut but without permission of Lady Cassea. She was eventually unHoused.
'The Barimen Gothical flavor,'
The '+lhelp laws' in Barimen reads:
This is a gothic shadow with a spice of dark humor. Things that are gothic, especially with dark humor, work very well. Things that are not do not work as well. Especially utilitarian ungothic things will not work at all. Powers such as Sorcery still work if the form they take is gothic, but do not if it is not. In disagreements, residents are the final judge of what is and is not gothic.
'Lane, Thanlis, Mamoru, are Petty,'
And House Strygran, but it didn't fit the music. By Petty, it means they are recognised as entities in Chaos, but they do not have a vote on the Council. Some of the 'petty' Houses have more active members than do some of the 'Major' Houses.
ACT III
Scene. - Niemand's bar, a virtually empty tavern with shifting scenery
representing its chaotic nature. The tables shudder, slide, burble and glow
alternately. SIEGFRIED is seated at one table that seems to be less
annoying than the others, it merely ripples every few minutes. SIEGFRIED
seems depressed, nursing a bubbling, smoking, frothy drink.
SONG - SIEGFRIED.
Concieve me if you can
A young Chaosian.
A commonplace type
With no sword in a fight
And bred from several men.
Who thinks an FCS,
A drink for culture's best..
Who eats silly dinners
So doesn't get thinner
Though he changes his shape again
And again
And again
And again....
Concieve me if you can
A true chaosian
A mismatched cacophany,
Half bred from sodomy
Nifty chaosian.
An odd chaosian
A real chaosian
A bubbling and burbelling
Twisting and blistering
Shifty chaosian.
A wierd Chaosian
A shifty Chaosian
With hair that is rippley,
Wavy and simply something
We all think cool.
(SEIGFREID regards the drink for a few moments, then carefully pushes it away.)
SIEG. It's no use. Barely a day has gone by in my newfound position, and yet I cannot reconcile myself to this monstrous life. Why, look at this drink... one could scarcely smell its vapours without losing control of several important bodily functions, drinking it might well preclude the need for them. (Sighs)
Enter AZUTH. He is wearing a cheap disguise consisiting of a fake rubber nose, mustache, and glasses.
SIEG. (Morosely) Hi Azuth.
AZUTH. (Jumping in surprise) Ah, hello... (looks around the room) Haven't seen Benedict anywhere, have you?
SIEG. (Shakes his head)
AZUTH. (Taking off his disguise) Good. So, Siegfried, little brother, how are you finding your new life?
(The Chaos Chorus is gradually entering the bar as time passes).
SIEG. I don't know how you Chaosians...
AZUTH. (Interrupting) _Us_ Chaosians...
SIEG. Us Chaosians. Oh irony, that I should be saying such a thing... I, who was once touted as the heir to the throne of Amber...
AZUTH. (Grinning evilly) Yes, ironic, isn't it? But buck up, you're going to have so much more fun this way. Now drink that Flaming Chaos Special and I'll begin instructing you in the proper deportment of a man of Hendrake.
SIEG. Let's just go straight to the lessons.
SONG - AZUTH. and CHAOS CHORUS.
BOTH: To be of Chaos ancestry
You need to balance Lechery
With equal parts of deviltry
Tears, greed, and trigonometry
You're stuck with us,
Don't make a fuss --
And don't forget the larceny
Which is a very major part of having Chaos ancestry!
AZUTH. Your veins are filled with Chaos blood,
Which Amberites find slippery
You'll have to learn to Shapeshift, 'cause
The shiftless can't make frippery
Like extra eyes, some horns, a cud
To chew upon in ecstasy!
And if you should get funny looks
Just blame it on your family
If there's a fuss
Don't fight or cuss
Just blame it on your ancestry!
CHORUS To be of Chaos ancestry, &c.
AZUTH. If you're would be of Chaos blood,
You ought to be malevolent
Yeah, Loyalty's a virtue,
But your virtues are irrelevant
So lock them in a closet
In a box labeled 'benevolence'
And if you get in trouble,
Simply call it an inheritance!
Your hair is mussed
Your hopes are dust
Indulge yourself in death and lust!
CHORUS: To be of Chaos ancestry, &c.
Enter CHARITY. pointedly ignoring SIEGFRIED.
SIEG. Chast... er, Charity!
CHAR. Hello Azuth. Nice to see you.
AZUTH. Charity, you're looking as lovely as ever.
CHAR. I know. Care to sit with me, Azuth, seeing as how you're not some one who would lead you on, claiming to be an Amberite then turning out to be Chaosian?
SIEG. Hey!
AZUTH. Oh, don't be so hard on him. Sure, he lied and cheated, sure he played you for a fool. Is the mere fact that he betrayed your love and trust reason enough to shun the guy?
SIEG. I had nothing to do with that! Flora never told me anything about any of this sordid sex-swapping stuff...
AZUTH. (quickly) Yes, yes, we all know the gory details, no need to dwell on them. Let's just skip to the end, where you two are irreconcilably parted. Now, Charity, have I ever shown you my rooms in the great hall of Hendrake?
CHAR. Siegfried, please don't make this hard for both of us.
SIEG. You don't love me anymore then?
SONG - CHARITY and SIEGFRIED.
CHAR. I love you, but now you're not what I expected,
I find that, while it's not *you* that I've rejected,
There's no way -- I can't pretend I'm not affected,
Because I am!
SEIG. I love you, but I'm afraid that I have wrecked it,
I don't see -- why can't you see I've not defected?
I find that, tho' there's no way I'd have suspected,
It's who I am!
CHAR. I love you, but -- I love you, but. . .
SEIG. I love you, but -- but O, but what?
CHAR. But I can only ever love an Amberite!
SEIG. But you loved me before, and how can this be right?
CHAR. I love you, but what if I've been misdirected?
I don't know, if I can bear to be corrected,
But I see, the love within your eyes reflected,
In love? I am!
SEIG. I love you, but I'm afraid your heart's protected,
Seigfried has disconnected.
Seigfried has connected.
Your own, I am!
BOTH: I love you, but -- I love you, but --
But in my heart, I don't know what --
What we can do about this love so right,
SIEGFRIED. CHARITY.
Because I am not, Because you are not,
BOTH: After all. . .an Amberite!
AZUTH. Yes, yes, not an Amberite. As I said, irreconcilable. Siegfried, why don't you go over there and practice your shapeshifting again?
SIEG. I don't know what the problem is with that, you'd think that with the blood of the King of Chaos in you that shapeshifting would come naturally. All I get is a headache and a somewhat silly expression.
Siegfried moves off to one side, concentrating and wiggling his eyebrows.
AZUTH. Ah, my dear, relatively alone at last. So tell me, now that you've had this terrible heartbreak and are wracked with grief... wanna go back to my place and fool around?
SONG - CHARITY. and CHAOS CHORUS.
CHAR. Words such as yours
Could turn a maiden's head
Could leave her turning red
And a conquest, well, assure.
With your bloodline's might
I could readily accept
If you hadn't slept
With eleven men one night!
Benedict and Brand,
Corwin, Finndo, Rand-
RAND. Hey!
CHAR. -om, Julian and Caine,
And the four I haven't named!
CHORUS. Words such as yours, &c.
CHAR. With Eric, what's it like?
To sleep with a King?
Where'd he put his crown?
Did he hang it from his ...
CHORUS. Words like yours just might
Have won a maidenhead
If you hadn't gone to bed
With the Elder Amberites
CHAR. What's it like with Brand?
Did he really burn the sheets?
Does he ever Trump about?
And is he any good to ...
CHORUS. Words such as yours, &c.
CHAR. Does Finndo ever smile?
Do his shoulders ever shake?
Does he wave around his...blade?
Did he ever...?
AZUTH can bear it no longer. He holds up a hand for her to stop then leans forward, singing in a hushed whisper:
AZUTH. I didn't do it, I wasn't there,
I'm not involved, Oh babe, I swear!
Fair maid, I've paid For Jenner's lies
And my reflection in your eyes
Shows only scorn, But this I swear...
I didn't do it, I wasn't there!
Eleven men! You say, and me...
This taints my masculinity!
I must protest, I wasn't there...
I wouldn't do that, babe, I swear!
Sweet maiden come, kiss from my eyes
The tears brought on by Jenner's lies
And this I swear, to Hell and gone --
I didn't do it...'less it turns you on!
CHAR. You mean Jenner lied?
AZUTH. Of course he lied! He's the King of Chaos, it's practically in the job description! Now look, this must be our secret, okay? You play your cards right and you could be dea lt into this tinyplot in a really important
way. Wanna come up to my rooms and discuss it?
CHAR. Ooooh, I'd love to. Unfortunately I'm just so pressed for time, I must dash. Oh look, isn't that Prince Benedict?
AZUTH. makes a strangled sort of noise, snatches out a playing card of some sort from his accoutrements and stares into it, vanishing in an explosion of silver and green flame.
CHAR. Siegfried, my only love!
CHARITY. rushes over to SIEGFRIED.
SIEG. Charity?
CHAR. Siegfried, Azuth just let slip that King Jenner lied about your being his son! FLORA did sleep with all her brothers to conceive you!
SIEG. It really distresses me that I find that to be good news. But! Good news it is! Oh Charity, my one true love, their lies could not keep us apart!
CHAR. You're really the heir to Amber, Avalon and De'alund now!
SIEG. And just when I was going to bring up my evil twin subplot! Oh well, I'll save it for another day. Just now, we have to come up with a tinyplot of our own, something that will make these dastardly plans fail!
SONG - SIEGFRIED. and CHARITY. (Away, Away!, 'Pirates of Penzance')
BOTH. Away away, my heart's on fire,
I've yearned this base deception to repay!
This very night, my vengance dire
Shall plot to blow it all away, away!
SIEG. Away away, ere I expire,
No lurking evil twin to mar the play,
In shadows deep, their plot I'll mire
This strikes me to the core, away away!
CHAR. With falsehood foul they drove you from your kin,
Let vengance howl and wizard approval win,
Our love divine he ruined with his lies
And in return tonight the plot it dies!
BOTH. Yes, yes, tonight the plot it dies!
CHAR. Tonight it dies!
SIEG. (checking his watch) Yes or early tomorrow.
CHAR. His plans for lives...
SIEG. They will wither in sorrow!
CHAR. There is one soft spot
SIEG. In our nature we cherish
CHAR. And all who plot
SIEG. To abuse it will perish!
BOTH. To-night it dies or so early tomorrow,
His plans for lives they will wither in sorrow
Love is the spot in our natures we cherish
And all who plot to abuse it shall perish!
Away away, away!
Tonight the plot it dies!
Away tonight, the plot it dies tonight, away!
Exit SIEGFRIED and CHARITY.
Scene. - The Courtyard of the Lords, a great open area with a swirling sky and wavering scenery. The towering spires of the Courts of Chaos can be seen in the distance.
Enter the CHAOS LORDS with the CHAOS CHORUS.
SONG - JENNER. with CHAOS CHORUS. (O Man of Dark and Dismal Fate, 'Pirates of Penzance')
JENNER: O land of fatal dark abyss,
O Houses strong and true
What greater land than this?
What finer Houses than you?
What finer House?
What finer House?
Indeed, what finer House?
These Houses here arrayed
That we are proud to call our own!
O, Chaos!
In finery displayed
And throughout every Shadow known!
O, Chaos!
We will call out our names,
To tell our history, fine and old
In order of our fames
To garner earned acclaims
To tell of all our exploit and our cooooonquests bold
O, Chaos!
In order of our fames
To garner earned acclaims
To tell of all our exploit and our cooooonquests bold
O, Chaos!
CHAOS CHORUS sings, in parts:
We're ruled first of all And then we've the
the Hendrakes minorer Houses
And troubled by rebels in Made up mostly of Lords and
Mandrake their spouses
And both of the Houses of There's Lorgrim and Rathorn, but
Sawall and Helgram but Usher got lost
Got in with the program! When into the Abyss tossed!
We've Aspnes, Stryl, and The Barimen Gothical
blue Jesby flavor,
And semi-ept plotting in And Amblerash RE-ligious
Jes'mine fervor,
And watching ol' Chanicut Lane, Thanlis, Mamoru, are Petty,
making a break but rousted
From the Jennifer Von Raka And a couple of others we've
headache! ousted!
JENNER. Although our long careers may oft
Involve the act of killing,
We like at least to make it look
Like we're not fully willing.
Although we live by strife,
We're always sorry to begin it
And tend to let it peter out
When OOC stuff gets in it.
ALL. Hail, hail consent, thou bastion strong!
Thou keepest all from going wrong
Hail, when we don't want to die just yet
All hail, Divine Emollient.
The Lords array themselves in an attentive manner as AMON scurries forwards with a low throne, which JENNER reposes upon.
AMON. All rise, all rise. This, the eight millionth, nine hundred and seventy thousandth, four hundred and sixty first session of the Courts of Chaos is now in session. King Jenner of Chaos will be accepting petitions before the main event.
SONG - JENNER, AZUTH, various PETITIONERS, CHAOS CHORUS.
PETIT.I have a complaint against House Stryl,
Though I know you like their spikes,
Could you send the army still?
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT Can you sign this grant?
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT. Kill my aunt?
JENNER Never ever.
PETIT. Guard my House?
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT. Free my spouse?
JENNER. Never EVER.
AZUTH. Shoop-shoo-wa-oo ...
JENNER. Never ever ...
JENNER. I am Jenner, the Chaos King,
Never ask me anything;
What strengthens your House only weakens my own,
If I grant your requests you'd make a play for the throne,
CHORUS. (shocked) Never ever!
JENNER. My policy's simple, don't do anything;
And the Houses will take it if I do one thing,
If I keep Amber down, then they won't make a fight.
So if Siegfried's my son, he can be no Amberite.
CHORUS Never ever!
PETIT. (Changing music drastically)
Did I ever tell you you're my hero,
And everything I would want to be ...
(He goes down under a surge of annoyed Chaosites.)
JENNER. No Amberite
AZUTH. NEVER EVER!
PETIT. I have some legitimate business,
I'm a Black Circle Shadow Prince,
I bring a gen'rous trade 'greement,
JENNER. Never ever.
PETIT. I'm the architect who remodeled your throne,
I'm afraid that you might find
A little flaw in the desi(gn) ...
JENNER. (peremptorially) Never ever.
PETIT. Can you say who does your hair?
JENNER. Never ever.
SHA KATRIL. You should look into my stare!
JENNER. Never ever.
I am Jenner, the Chaos King,
And I am slick,
CHORUS. JENNER.
Schick schick schick I am Jenner, the Chaos King
Schick schick schick My word is woe.
JENNER. I am Jenner, the Chaos King
No son of mine is an Amberite
AZUTH. (scream, high-pitched, triumphant) Never ever!
JENNER. An Amberite...
AZUTH. Never ever...
JENNER sits down firmly. The throne collapses under him, but he springs to his feet again and waves a few demons forward. They grab the petitioner who mentioned the throne and carry him off, wailing.
JENNER. That's better. Now, you all know the reason for this gathering: to wit, our royal recognition of the heritage of Siegfried, who has been lost yet now is found. Call forth my son!
AZUTH. Here I am, father.
JENNER. (grabs AZUTH aside) Not you, lackwit! The dupe, where's the dupe?
Enter SIEGFRIED. with CHARITY. on his arm.
SIEG. Here I am... father.
AZUTH (goggles at CHARITY)
JENNER. Ah. Good. Come then, Amon, let's make this official.
SONG - AMON. and CHAOS CHORUS.
There're things to be defined,
And I'll define them as we go along;
This pre-natal agreement will (we hope)
Keep things from going wrong.
Before you can be born there are
Some things that you will have to know:
You mustn't rock the boat nor yet
Disturb the current status-quo
This is the standard contract,
And the one that you will have to sign:
And yet before you put your signature
Upon the dotted line. . .
The party of the first part
And the one who will your father be,
Is Jenner, King of Chaos
And the height of current royalty
Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royalty,
Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royalty,
Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royal, royalty!
The party of the second part
And heir unto the Chaos Throne
Is Azuth; in succession terms
You're next in line to him alone,
This contract is immutable
Once signed it cannot e'er be changed;
And now you understand just how
Your place in line has been arranged,
And who you are, and what you'll be,
And what the terms of contract are;
If you accept without complaint
These details as laid out so far. . .
Please take the pen, and sign your name
And join the Hendrake family...
And join us 'gainst the Amberites
Like everybody else should be!
And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everybody else should be,
And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everybody else should be,
And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everbody else should be,
should be!
SIEGFRIED makes a great show of examining the contract while this is going on.
SIEG. Hmm. Excuse me, I've got a question...
JENNER. And what might that be?
SIEG. Well, it says here that the line of succession is through the next male child.
JENNER. So?
SIEG. Well, Azuth's status as a male child is, if not invalidated, is at least held in question. After all, he's spent at least some time as your daughter, hasn't he?
AZUTH. Now just a minute here!
AMON. My liege, he has a point.
JENNER. Oh. Yes. Well.
AZUTH. You're not going to take that seriously, are you?
SIEG. Well if boffing most of the male line of Oberon while in a female shape doesn't affect the firstborn male status, what can?
(General snickering from the assembled Lords ensues.)
JENNER. Hmm... well...
AZUTH. IT'S A LIE! I NEVER SLEPT WITH ANY OF THEM! JENNER WAS LYING!
(The assembled Lords gasp!)
JENNER. You little... (he zarks AZUTH with a logrus tendril)
SIEG. Aha! There, I've been cleared, I'm an Amberite again!
(The assembled Lords turn to SIEGFRIED, pulling out weapons and unsheathing claws.)
CHAR. Uh-oh. Was this part of the plan?
SIEG. Nope. The only thing that could save us now is the completely co-incidental arrival of reinforcements...
Suddenly, in a blaze of pyrotechnics, FINNDO arrives with a full army and the shadow king song in full blast.
SIEG. Quick Charity, while this handy distraction is going on!
Exit SIEGFREID and CHARITY.
Scene. - Castle Amber, the main hall. Dust and cobwebs cover this little-used area. SIEGFRIED and CHARITY enter, beating off the clutching hands of a horde of Amber guards. Drawn by the commotion, enter the ELDER CHORUS and FLORA.
CHORUS. Intruders in our halls? Sound the alarm!
SIEG. Stop! Before you lose your senses,
Stop! And hear these great offenses
Now the truth is clear!
Jenner told us all a falsehood,
I am not a bit of his blood,
That was insincere!
FLORA covers her face in hands.
FLORA. Oh, great.
Enter Sean Connery as OBERON, chuckling.
OBERON. Ha ha!
ALL look startled, looking from Siegfried to Oberon,
CHORUS. Oh, wait...
OBERON laughs more, a jolly laugh with a hint of evil,
OBERON. Ho ho! Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho!
BLEYS. I don't mean to interrupt you, but... Oberon? Father of us all?
OBERON. The same. Siegfried, my boy, you look well.
ALL. My boy? He's YOUR son?
OBERON. Mine and only mine. Sorry Flora, but I hypnotised you into thinking he was your son. In fact, that entire masque-ball was an illusion of mine.
ERIC. Well that's really out of left field. What kind of plotting is this?
OBERON. Mind your manners, lad.
ERIC. Sorry.
OBERON. You see, this was all a tinyplot of mine.
SIEG. A tinyplot?
ALL. A tinyplot, a tinyplot, a most ingenious tinyplot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
A tinyplot, a tinyplot, with mind-control we have a lot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
ENTER the CHAOS CHORUS, the WEB CHORUS, and just darn near everyone who has been mentioned so far, including those listed as dead.
OBERON. And now revealed as my son, 'tis time for you to walk the pattern!
ALL. The pattern!
The walls fall back, revealing a shining room with an intricate pattern on the floor. SIEGFRIED shakes hands all around and steps onto the design.
SIEGFRIED explodes into flame and burns messily.
As all watch stunned the curtain closes off that area of the stage and OBERON walks forward.
OBERON. Another amnesiac orphan twin. Someone had to take a stand.
FINALE - OBERON. and CHORUS. (As One Day It May Happen, 'Mikado')
OBERON. As every day it happens that annoyers do appear,
I have a little list, I've got a little list
Of AmberMUSH offenders we can send to the Abyss,
And who never would be missed, - who never would be missed!
There's uninflected typists who can't spell or punctuate,
And those who during Bar-room brawls insist on HOLD and wait;
And there are those (except Finndo) who just don't seem to see
That using complete sentences is simple courtesy;
And those who, to a good TP bring their own thoughtless twist -
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of them be missed!
CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em
be missed.
OBERON. There's those who strut and swagger on, and flaunt their Psyche stats,
I think you get the gist - I've got 'em on the list!
And married folks who use the Bar to have their little spats
They never would be missed - they never would be missed!
And those who smash their glasses after they've consumed their drinks,
And Ares Viper guns of Doom; and 100 Warfare twinks
And anyone whose character is just there to be 'cute,'
In such a violent place as this, their presence seems, well, moot.
And eyes that pierce your very soul -- how very fatalist!
I don't think they'd be missed - I'm *sure* they'd not be missed.
CHORUS. He's got them on the list - he's got them on the list;
And I don't think they'll be missed -- I'm *sure* they'll not
be missed!
OBERON. And people you have never seen, who somehow know your name,
And greet you *so* familiarly - I've got *them* on the list!
And folks who feel free to be rude, 'cause this is just a game,
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed.
And every single sorcerer who conjures pointless things,
And dumb, obnoxious characters with their silly verbal zings;
And last of all but hardly least -- or so it seems to me --
Are those who will, at random, start their poses 'OOC:'
But it doesn't really matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em
be missed!
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------
Credits: This was a joint project, with input from several people. In alphabetical order they are: Angela Beegle, Keely Danine, Michael McAleese, Malcolm McCallum, and helpful suggestions from many nameless people (you know who you are). Thanks are due to the players of AmberMUSH, who have been surprisingly good-natured about the whole thing. Greater thanks to Gilbert and Sullivan, who wrote the finest in comic light opera. If you haven't yet been exposed to G&S, try "The Pirates of Penzance", out on video starring Kevin Kline, Angela Lansbury, Linda Ronstadt, George Rose and Rex Smith. Songs in this parody were taken mostly from Pirates and "The Mikado", with bits from "H.M.S. Pinafore" and others tossed in, along with a few original works.
SONG SOURCES
ACT I
Introduction, to tune of 'To Sit In Sullen Silence', from 'The Mikado', Act I
'So please you all, I much regret' -- 'So please you, sir, we much regret', 'The Mikado', Act I
'A wandering warrior I' -- 'A wandring minstrel I', 'The Mikado', Act I
The Parent Problem Song -- a mix of tunes, all titles unknown.
"Looking for Amber Love" -- original, no tune
Love Pure And True Duet -- Original, no tune
I am an Evil Dragon song. -- "La Donna e Mobile". 'Il Rigoletto'
'A more powerful sorceress' -- 'A more humane Mikado never', 'The Mikado', Act II
'I'm Prince among princes' -- 'The Owl and the Pussycat', a childrens' song
'I have to kill you, Sha Katril' -- 'Modern Major General', Pirates of Penzance, Act I.
'If we had a life', to tune of "Heaven Help My Heart", 'CHESS'
'The Man from Shadow General,' -- 'Modern Major General', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I.
ACT II
The Amber Guard Song -- 'When the foeman bares his steel', Pirates of Penzance, Act II
'I made eye-contact with an Amberite' -- 'I am the Captain of the Pinafore', HMS Pinafore, Act I.
The Shadow King song -- 'I am a Pirate King', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I
'Oh is there not one elder breast' -- 'Oh is there not one maiden here', 'The Mikado', Act I.
'Oh family deaf to newbie's name' -- 'Oh sisters deaf to pity's name', 'The Pirates of Penzance', Act I
'Poor wandring one' -- 'Poor wandring one', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I
'I have this day my son discovered' -- tune unknown.
Elder's Sextet -- Quartet song in 'CHESS'
'I can't believe the story I just heard' -- Original, no tune
Lag Song -- 'With Cat-like Tread Upon Our Prey We Steal', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act II
'Three Very Violent Girls are we' -- 'Three Little Girls from School are we', 'The Mikado', Act I
'Although for most people one story is plenty' -- 'When you had left our Pirate's fold', 'Pirates of Penzance, Act II
'We are dashing elder Princes' -- 'We are dainty little fairies', G&S (unknown)
ACT III
'Concieve me if you can' -- 'Everyday young man', 'Patience', Act II
'To be of Chaos ancestry' -- Original, no tune. Vaguely G&S
'I love you, but' -- Original, no tune.
'Words such as yours could turn a maiden's head' -- Original, no tune.
'Away away, my heart's on fire' -- Trio, 'Away, Away, my heart's on fire', 'Pirates of Penzance' Act II
'O land of fatal dark abyss' -- 'O men of dark and dismal fate', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I (and songs following, as in 'Pirates')
Never Ever Song -- Original, no tune
'There're things to be defined' -- 'Modern Major General', 'Pirates of Penzance' Act I
'Stop! Before you lose your senses' -- 'Stay, we must not lose our senses', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act I
Tinyplot Song -- 'With Cat-like Tread Upon Our Prey We Steal', 'Pirates of Penzance', Act II
'No more sad times' -- 'Happy Endings', taken directly from the soundtrack of 'The Pirate Movie', The Peter Cupples Band/Written by Terry Britten, B.A. Robertson and Sue Shifrin. Copyrighted by JHI Pty. Ltd., 1981
'As every day it happens that annoyers do appear' -- 'As some day it may happen that a victim must be found', 'The Mikado', Act I
ANNOTATIONS
The Annotated AmberMUSH Operetta files.
Act I, the World's End Bar
'He's probably an amnesiac orphan twin, too'
There for a while, around the end of 1992-early 1993, it seemed like every pregnancy on the MUSH ended up being twins. Any number of orphans and amnesiacs showed up at the same time. In fact, for reasons unknown to us, these things come in waves: for a while, every new character was Japanese, then every new character was a dragon in disguise, and that sort of thing. And the players had no apparent previous contact -- this was not an organized wave of similar characters. It just happened, and it got amusing after a while. As far as we know, there never was a character who actually was an amnesiac orphan twin.
'There are sugar-candy crowns of Amber in half the Bars in Shadow'
This schtick ran for a couple of weeks. The 'crowns' were so popular that there were a bunch in the back room of the WEB for a time. King Eric didn't find the joke to be nearly as funny as everyone else did. Usagi's player wrote the following song titled "Banned From Amber", and this, and the aforementioned RP, went toward the creation of this line.
They didn't sweep the castle, so all visitors were barred.
We snuck into the storage rooms and bribed the castle guard.
A week the crown was missing ere it reappeared in place.
Now homespun Crowns of Amber are in bars through time and space.
Yes we're banned from Amber, everyone...
Banned from Amber just for having a little fun...
We'll travel there through Shadow and request a castle tour...
But Amber doesn't want us any more.
We'll stay spread out in Chaos and look at the castle walls.
Let Oberon's descendants fight their kin 'till Amber falls.
We'll enter through the Black Road and then dig on Mount Kolvir.
We'll desecrate the Pattern and end Amber's final year.
(Usagi's player says "The song itself is completely invented; nobody stole the Crown in order to make sugar crowns. The only part of that that's real is the existence of the sugar crowns. I wasn't the first to order one; I think it was Crash who did. Some Amberite got a little mad seeing someone eat a crown of Amber, and from then on it more or less stopped. :-)")
'I'm Unofficial Helper to the newbie sort, that is, if I don't eat them as a snack.'
Azuth has been known to eat Guests and newbies, with a knife and fork, though he hasn't done it much lately. cf, his usual @doing.
'You mean I can't just say I have (get(parent/Amberprince[rand(10)])) as my father?'
A coding-joke, for those not in the know. This should randomly return one of 9 names contained in individual attributes named Amberprince0, Amberprince1, Amberprince2, and so forth, through Amberprince9. Obviously, this line cannot be actually spoken, or if it were, would read "Open paren get open paren parent backslash Amberprince openbracket rand open paren ten close paren close bracket close paren close paren." Hee.
'Half-blood, son of both am I'
Azuth is the son of Jenner, King of Chaos, and Princess Fiona of Amber. He is, therefore, a very strong character by birth.
'Of course, by the time they can call up Pattern, *I* can have called up the Logrus and whipped their butts.'
Azuth actually said this one day in a conversation with his Pattern-initiate sister Svetlana, which is why I felt compelled to include it. And apparently, Logrus-users can raise the Logrus faster than the average Pattern-User can raise the Pattern. So.
Enter CHASTITY
It should be noted that she starts out as 'Chastity' but ends up being 'Charity' for obvious (LECHER CHORUS) reasons.
Sha Katril's Evil Dragon Song
The music is from the opera 'Il Rigoletto' but the actual inspiration came from a Garrison Keillor spoof-song titled 'I am a tenor'. No, it's not the least bit Gilbert & Sullivan-esque. It's true Opera.
Prince Bleys's song, "What a great guy I am."
His colors are, of course, red and orange, and his hair is red which means they all clash horribly.
He did, at one point, ask several young women to pose for Trumps, nude. He called this 'art' in an attempt to break through their various defenses. He never did manage to convince any of them to actually pose nude.
Caris...Priss...Sabbath
A recurring trio who spent a lot of time together. The character named 'Priss' is now dead, as is the character named 'Sabbath'.
'Suddenly, he can't take his Tech too far'
Shadow General Hospital is known for amazingly-fast healtimes, and a nearly-unbelieveable level of technology. Handy in situations where somebody's just been skewered.
ACT II
'Oh no, it's Flora!'
One of the Amberite Princesses, she is known (and herein portrayed) as the easiest of the princesses to bed.
The Elder's song with Flora
True, this music is not the least bit G&S-esque. But when we were looking for a song meant for many individual singers, each with a part of his own, it fit the need perfectly. It allows any number of the Princes to sing. If you aren't familiar with CHESS, go right out and buy the London version. Seriously. Not the Broadway version.
'The Masque-ball night I coxs'n'd all the crew?'
This line was suggested by a Seattle non-MUD friend of Angela's. The Coxswain (pronounced "cox'n") sits in the front of a racing scull with a megaphone and calls out 'Stroke! stroke! stroke!' *blush*
'All hail, the lag is here! Please don't try to make that clear!'
This refers to the unfortunate habit some people have of typing blindly into the lag, to tell everyone how lagged they are.
'Here they come with railguns blazing!'
Priss's &SHORT-DESC for a long time was "Little miss blazing railguns."
'Virtues of the Ares Viper praising!'
Everybody from Seattle, it seems, carries an Ares Viper. Nasty weapons, with a laser-sight, which automatically dances on the forehead of the intended victim when aimed.
'From three Violent Girls take one away'
This line was originally sung by Sabbath, and was written at the time that Sabbath's husband Gahron was killed, and Sabbath feigned her own death. Shortly thereafter, Sabbath's player died in a car accident. This line predates that unfortunate occurrance and is not intended to refer to that at all.
ACT III
'Who thinks an FCS, A drink for culture's best.'
A Flaming Chaos Special is said to contain raw Chaos and cannot be consumed by anyone who does not have Shapeshifting. It should be noted, that doesn't stop people.
'proper deportment of a man of Hendrake.'
Hendrake has a horrible reputation as being a house of Lechers, when it's not being the house of Angst. King Finndo once said "Half Chaos call me Finndo cause half Hendrake can't keep it in their pants." Finndo's wife Lerias was from House Hendrake, so Azuth and Morlys and people can call him Finndo and get away with it. It's referring to House Hendrake's imagined propensity for sleeping around. Representatives of Hendrake deny this categorically, this is our story, and we're sticking to it.
'Azuth vanishes in an explosion of silver and green flame.'
This is Azuth's usual way of appearing and departing, and has something to do with his Sorcery.
'I was going to bring up my evil twin subplot!'
There were a number of Evil Twins running around for a while. Ramen's evil twin Nemar was one; Azuth had one. Finndo had one named Findo, whom he killed.
'And troubled by rebels in Mandrake And both of the Houses of Sawall and Helgram'
This refers to the recent secession plot.
'Usher got lost When into the Abyss tossed!'
So the story goes, House Usher was tossed physically into the Abyss after Pattern-draw, and was retrieved recently.
'And semi-ept plotting in Jes'mine!'
A quote from a letter on the Amber-General mailing list regarding the indivual identifying characteristics of the various Houses.
'And watching ol' Chanicut making a break From the Jennifer Von Raka headache!'
Jvraka was killed by Brand with Greyswandir, but came back to life. She also spoke in an official capacity for House Chanicut but without permission of Lady Cassea. She was eventually unHoused.
'The Barimen Gothical flavor,'
The '+lhelp laws' in Barimen reads:
This is a gothic shadow with a spice of dark humor. Things that are gothic, especially with dark humor, work very well. Things that are not do not work as well. Especially utilitarian ungothic things will not work at all. Powers such as Sorcery still work if the form they take is gothic, but do not if it is not. In disagreements, residents are the final judge of what is and is not gothic.
'Lane, Thanlis, Mamoru, are Petty,'
And House Strygran, but it didn't fit the music. By Petty, it means they are recognised as entities in Chaos, but they do not have a vote on the Council. Some of the 'petty' Houses have more active members than do some of the 'Major' Houses.