(no subject)
Heh. You didn't think I'd actually write it, did you?
[And for the record? I sail the HMS 'I Don't Really Give a Ship', so this is written from a completely unbiased perspective. *snort*]
Rated PG-13 for swearing, implied naughtiness and extreme levels of lame.
'Ron and Hermione Have Sex on Harry's Grave While JKR Laughs At You'
(By Clam Chowder)
It had become a frequent habit of theirs. A ritual, really.
It was a ritual carried out in the dead of night as the two young lovers whispered to each other tenderly through the darkness.
"And so Ginny says to me - Ron, are you even listening?"
"Unh, yeah sure. Think you could move your leg a little further this way?"
"Like this?"
"Yeah that's good."
"Ow! Watch where you're sticking that thing will you?"
"Sorry Hermione, it's too - unh! Dark."
It was a ritual that had come to encapsulate the deep and spiritual love that the couple now shared.
"Just don't get it in my hair this time. So anyway, like I was saying, Ginny thinks what we're doing is disrespectful"
"Why? I like to think Harry would be happy for us. You know 'true love conquers all' and everything?"
"Yeah, that's what I said. But she seems to think that wild feral sex on his final resting place is going a bit too far."
There was a moment of quiet contemplation. The ritual was considered sacred by the pair, a revered bond forged through the union of their bodies.
"Well she's one to talk and - for crying out loud Hermione! Could you at least wriggle around a bit or something? We'll be here til bloody morning at this rate."
"I sincerely doubt you could last that long."
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"Anyway, Ginny's a hypocrite. I know for a fact that she never said anything when Tonks and Lupin did that thing in Sirius's bed"
"Mmm. But Ron, she says he was in love with me! I can't help but feel ... bad"
"He was? Wow, I never noticed"
"Me neither. You'd think he'd have said something or done something at the very least, just to let me know. Like write me a poem or get my name tattooed on his buttocks, like any normal person would. But there was never any indication of how he felt - RON, WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S BALLS ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?"
"Shh! This bit's tricky, I've got to concentrate"
Not so very far away, the ritual was being observed with great interest by a blonde woman with a cheshire cat grin. The woman watched, and wondered if this act would finally bring understanding and resolution to the nearby Disbelievers
"Bitch!"
"WHAT?! That's not the REAL Hermione! She'd never go for stinky-pants Ron!"
"JK is a h0! I'm leaving fandom!"
"OMGSTFU"
Or not.
The woman sighed with frustration and stepped closer to the tangled mess of arms and legs and badly designed sex toys. The ritual was nearing its completion...
"Oh Ron, not again!"
"Sorry"
The woman spoke.
"Break it up, you two. But be back here same time next week. They're still not getting it. Some people are so fucking delusional."
-----
Hmm. So it turns out there's a very good reason I don't really write fics all that often. I believe in France they refer to it as 'Le Grande Suck'. Although I still have the strange suicidal urge to pimp this out to every H/Hr community I can find. *rubs salt into wound*
[And for the record? I sail the HMS 'I Don't Really Give a Ship', so this is written from a completely unbiased perspective. *snort*]
Rated PG-13 for swearing, implied naughtiness and extreme levels of lame.
'Ron and Hermione Have Sex on Harry's Grave While JKR Laughs At You'
(By Clam Chowder)
It had become a frequent habit of theirs. A ritual, really.
It was a ritual carried out in the dead of night as the two young lovers whispered to each other tenderly through the darkness.
"And so Ginny says to me - Ron, are you even listening?"
"Unh, yeah sure. Think you could move your leg a little further this way?"
"Like this?"
"Yeah that's good."
"Ow! Watch where you're sticking that thing will you?"
"Sorry Hermione, it's too - unh! Dark."
It was a ritual that had come to encapsulate the deep and spiritual love that the couple now shared.
"Just don't get it in my hair this time. So anyway, like I was saying, Ginny thinks what we're doing is disrespectful"
"Why? I like to think Harry would be happy for us. You know 'true love conquers all' and everything?"
"Yeah, that's what I said. But she seems to think that wild feral sex on his final resting place is going a bit too far."
There was a moment of quiet contemplation. The ritual was considered sacred by the pair, a revered bond forged through the union of their bodies.
"Well she's one to talk and - for crying out loud Hermione! Could you at least wriggle around a bit or something? We'll be here til bloody morning at this rate."
"I sincerely doubt you could last that long."
"What?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"Anyway, Ginny's a hypocrite. I know for a fact that she never said anything when Tonks and Lupin did that thing in Sirius's bed"
"Mmm. But Ron, she says he was in love with me! I can't help but feel ... bad"
"He was? Wow, I never noticed"
"Me neither. You'd think he'd have said something or done something at the very least, just to let me know. Like write me a poem or get my name tattooed on his buttocks, like any normal person would. But there was never any indication of how he felt - RON, WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S BALLS ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?"
"Shh! This bit's tricky, I've got to concentrate"
Not so very far away, the ritual was being observed with great interest by a blonde woman with a cheshire cat grin. The woman watched, and wondered if this act would finally bring understanding and resolution to the nearby Disbelievers
"Bitch!"
"WHAT?! That's not the REAL Hermione! She'd never go for stinky-pants Ron!"
"JK is a h0! I'm leaving fandom!"
"OMGSTFU"
Or not.
The woman sighed with frustration and stepped closer to the tangled mess of arms and legs and badly designed sex toys. The ritual was nearing its completion...
"Oh Ron, not again!"
"Sorry"
The woman spoke.
"Break it up, you two. But be back here same time next week. They're still not getting it. Some people are so fucking delusional."
-----
Hmm. So it turns out there's a very good reason I don't really write fics all that often. I believe in France they refer to it as 'Le Grande Suck'. Although I still have the strange suicidal urge to pimp this out to every H/Hr community I can find. *rubs salt into wound*