Rants can be things of beauty. (coffeeinhell, you'll like this)
Radio smartass Rick Emerson was kind enough to post to his website the notes he took while watching Michael Bay's Transformers Wednesday night:
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The Transformers--- Small Thoughts.
The following are my notes from Wednesday night's viewing of Transformers:
Young computer hackers apparently all either look like models or Kevin Smith.
Camaro helps Shia Labeouf seduce hot girl by playing "Who's Gonna Drive You Home" at top volume out of nowhere.
Once hot girl is inside Camaro, Camaro's radio spontaneously begins playing "Sexual Healing." Audience finds this endlessly amusing.
Hot girl gets out of car. Car begins playing "Baby Come Back."
Hot girl turns out to be a master mechanic who specializes in muscle cars.
One character says to another, "There's more than meets the eye...with you."
To make sure audience gets joke, "More than meets the eye" line is immediately repeated twice.
Ethnic guy says, in fake-sounding accent, "My mother...she had the gift...she could see things...and so can I."
Does Jon Voigt need money? Why is he in this film?
Loud, clanky Decepticon robot runs all over Air Force One, scampering over seats and next to security guards, yet is noticed by no one.
President is a Southern guy with dumb, fake accent who says things like "Wrangle me up some Ding-Dongs, darling."
Clanky Decepticon plants virus using computer with big, fake, movie-world-only operating system.
Clanky Decepticon is plugged directly into computer, but still reads by moving his head left to right while looking at the screen.
This is like watching Ben Affleck in Phantoms.
Movie contains embarrassingly bad depictions of cops. Cops should pistol whip Michael Bay.
Wacky segment in which soldier is under attack while trying to make a long-distance phone call; soldier dodges bullets while speaking with an Indian phone operator who keeps trying to sell him a "premium phone card."
Movie has great score.
This is a much less interesting version of Tremors. I miss Michael Gross.
Soldiers are apparently dying by the dozens, yet there is no blood of any kind to be seen.
Character says "There's only one hacker in the world who can break this code."
Scene of fat guys playing Dance Dance Revolution. Audience laughs heartily.
Seriously now, does no one in the movies ever use Windows? WTF?
Zany shot of Shia riding a little, pink, girl's bike because he's in a hurry to get somewhere.
Shia crashes little pink bike. Crash happens, of course, in front of hot girl he's been trying to impress.
Boy, Terminator 2 was a great movie.
Boy, that War of the Worlds remake was great.
Shia Labeouf makes wisecracks while fighting robot that should be scaring the living hell out of him.
Plug for XM radio.
Shia (and then girl) get into weird, alien robot car without worrying about what might happen.
Film using Tarantino Kill Bill music to get cool points.
Fat kid makes Armageddon joke while running from giant robot.
Are they only cars because they crashed next to a car lot? What if they'd crashed in a typewriter store?
My whole life I've wondered---where does Prime's trailer go when he transforms?
Yes, there is a breakdancing robot. I believe his first line of dialogue is, "What's up, little bitches?" Audience finds this hysterical.
Autobot says "You feelin' lucky, punk?"
Prime says something about using eBay.
Fat computer hacker jokes about being a virgin.
Prime says "Sorry, my bad."
Dog pees on one of the Autobots. Audience finds this hilarious.
Autobots, while hiding outside Shia's house (which is on a residential street) are tall as lampposts, shake the ground with every step, and are constantly knocking things over, yet no one anywhere comes out to see what the fuss is.
I feel like sending a copy of The Iron Giant to every home in America.
Kooky joke about Shia being caught masturbating.
Shia's parents discover a girl in his room; whole moment is stolen from Pump Up the Volume.
Why is Knish from Rounders in this movie? Does he owe money to someone?
Mom, who is a gardener, says "Get your hands off my bush." Audience roars with laughter.
Shia's dad seems to be played by AM 970 salesperson Allen Gebarowski.
Transformer takes a whiz all over John Tuturro; audience ecstatic with laughter.
Agent Ron Butterfield from The West Wing is playing some kind of cloak-and-dagger guy. He's pretty great.
Why does Optimus Prime have lips? Why does he need them? His voice seems to come from a speaker, so what do his lips do? Why are they there?
Prime is great, but seems to be in a different movie than everyone else.
Revelation of Transformer held in secret government facility is stolen wholesale from Independence Day. I never thought I would see something stolen from Independence Day.
Revelation that human technological advances are spawned from alien technology is stolen from Terminator 2.
Megatron's first order of business after being thawed is to say "I...am...Megatron." Maybe this is because he doesn't look anything like Megatron.
Anthony Anderson is re-wiring a top secret government computer with a screwdriver.
I think I just saw a Constructicon.
Is Optimus Prime roller skating?
The Matrix guys should get a bonus everytime someone uses that slowed-down bullet-time thing.
Will an Autobot selflessly sacrifice himself?
Do you suppose it's in bad taste to have a jet plane flying through a skyscraper in a city that looks like New York?
Did a Mountain Dew machine just come to life?
Sequence of random machines coming to life seems to be stolen from Ghostbusters crossed with Maximum Overdrive.
Good guy says of bad guy "That thing is definitely dead now", then walks away without inspecting corpse.
Really...why didn't they make this as an animated film? What is the point of making this live action?
Optimus Prime says at film's end that Autobots are "hiding in plain sight", unknown to humans. Apparently no humans (or news outlets) noticed giant fucking robots demolishing an entire metropolitan city and fighting all over a huge interstate highway.
Closing credit song appears to have been done by Linkin Park. Seems appropriate.
(words and thoughts copyright Rick Emerson)
************
The Transformers--- Small Thoughts.
The following are my notes from Wednesday night's viewing of Transformers:
Young computer hackers apparently all either look like models or Kevin Smith.
Camaro helps Shia Labeouf seduce hot girl by playing "Who's Gonna Drive You Home" at top volume out of nowhere.
Once hot girl is inside Camaro, Camaro's radio spontaneously begins playing "Sexual Healing." Audience finds this endlessly amusing.
Hot girl gets out of car. Car begins playing "Baby Come Back."
Hot girl turns out to be a master mechanic who specializes in muscle cars.
One character says to another, "There's more than meets the eye...with you."
To make sure audience gets joke, "More than meets the eye" line is immediately repeated twice.
Ethnic guy says, in fake-sounding accent, "My mother...she had the gift...she could see things...and so can I."
Does Jon Voigt need money? Why is he in this film?
Loud, clanky Decepticon robot runs all over Air Force One, scampering over seats and next to security guards, yet is noticed by no one.
President is a Southern guy with dumb, fake accent who says things like "Wrangle me up some Ding-Dongs, darling."
Clanky Decepticon plants virus using computer with big, fake, movie-world-only operating system.
Clanky Decepticon is plugged directly into computer, but still reads by moving his head left to right while looking at the screen.
This is like watching Ben Affleck in Phantoms.
Movie contains embarrassingly bad depictions of cops. Cops should pistol whip Michael Bay.
Wacky segment in which soldier is under attack while trying to make a long-distance phone call; soldier dodges bullets while speaking with an Indian phone operator who keeps trying to sell him a "premium phone card."
Movie has great score.
This is a much less interesting version of Tremors. I miss Michael Gross.
Soldiers are apparently dying by the dozens, yet there is no blood of any kind to be seen.
Character says "There's only one hacker in the world who can break this code."
Scene of fat guys playing Dance Dance Revolution. Audience laughs heartily.
Seriously now, does no one in the movies ever use Windows? WTF?
Zany shot of Shia riding a little, pink, girl's bike because he's in a hurry to get somewhere.
Shia crashes little pink bike. Crash happens, of course, in front of hot girl he's been trying to impress.
Boy, Terminator 2 was a great movie.
Boy, that War of the Worlds remake was great.
Shia Labeouf makes wisecracks while fighting robot that should be scaring the living hell out of him.
Plug for XM radio.
Shia (and then girl) get into weird, alien robot car without worrying about what might happen.
Film using Tarantino Kill Bill music to get cool points.
Fat kid makes Armageddon joke while running from giant robot.
Are they only cars because they crashed next to a car lot? What if they'd crashed in a typewriter store?
My whole life I've wondered---where does Prime's trailer go when he transforms?
Yes, there is a breakdancing robot. I believe his first line of dialogue is, "What's up, little bitches?" Audience finds this hysterical.
Autobot says "You feelin' lucky, punk?"
Prime says something about using eBay.
Fat computer hacker jokes about being a virgin.
Prime says "Sorry, my bad."
Dog pees on one of the Autobots. Audience finds this hilarious.
Autobots, while hiding outside Shia's house (which is on a residential street) are tall as lampposts, shake the ground with every step, and are constantly knocking things over, yet no one anywhere comes out to see what the fuss is.
I feel like sending a copy of The Iron Giant to every home in America.
Kooky joke about Shia being caught masturbating.
Shia's parents discover a girl in his room; whole moment is stolen from Pump Up the Volume.
Why is Knish from Rounders in this movie? Does he owe money to someone?
Mom, who is a gardener, says "Get your hands off my bush." Audience roars with laughter.
Shia's dad seems to be played by AM 970 salesperson Allen Gebarowski.
Transformer takes a whiz all over John Tuturro; audience ecstatic with laughter.
Agent Ron Butterfield from The West Wing is playing some kind of cloak-and-dagger guy. He's pretty great.
Why does Optimus Prime have lips? Why does he need them? His voice seems to come from a speaker, so what do his lips do? Why are they there?
Prime is great, but seems to be in a different movie than everyone else.
Revelation of Transformer held in secret government facility is stolen wholesale from Independence Day. I never thought I would see something stolen from Independence Day.
Revelation that human technological advances are spawned from alien technology is stolen from Terminator 2.
Megatron's first order of business after being thawed is to say "I...am...Megatron." Maybe this is because he doesn't look anything like Megatron.
Anthony Anderson is re-wiring a top secret government computer with a screwdriver.
I think I just saw a Constructicon.
Is Optimus Prime roller skating?
The Matrix guys should get a bonus everytime someone uses that slowed-down bullet-time thing.
Will an Autobot selflessly sacrifice himself?
Do you suppose it's in bad taste to have a jet plane flying through a skyscraper in a city that looks like New York?
Did a Mountain Dew machine just come to life?
Sequence of random machines coming to life seems to be stolen from Ghostbusters crossed with Maximum Overdrive.
Good guy says of bad guy "That thing is definitely dead now", then walks away without inspecting corpse.
Really...why didn't they make this as an animated film? What is the point of making this live action?
Optimus Prime says at film's end that Autobots are "hiding in plain sight", unknown to humans. Apparently no humans (or news outlets) noticed giant fucking robots demolishing an entire metropolitan city and fighting all over a huge interstate highway.
Closing credit song appears to have been done by Linkin Park. Seems appropriate.
(words and thoughts copyright Rick Emerson)