"Words that can’t be spoken stream out my face"
You're the words that come out easy,
And I am speechless at best.
Your star it seems to shine above the rest.
You're the face before the cameras,
The smile i'd like to earn.
The closest thing to perfect,
In a hollywood to burn.
You're the beauty that is deeper,
Than eyes can merely see.
The closest thing to perfect.
But the farthest thing from me.
I'd love to be,
The shoulder that you cry on.
I'd love to be,
The friend you call when things are great.
You're the dream that hasn't ended,
And I'm still anxious for rest.
Your words they seem to hang above my head.
You're the bud before the flower,
Unfurls into full bloom.
Captivating beauty,
But it maybe all too soon.
You're the song that writes a story,
But leaves a lot to read.
The closest thing to perfect,
But the farthest thing from me.
And like I really deserve a chance to,
Sit across the table,
And tell you that I think you're wonderful.
And I think you're something special.
Last night, a lot of the songs at The Juliana Theory show reminded me of Andrea. A lot of music has lately. Also, talking to Joe about the Saves The Day show in Nov. reminded me of all the concerts Andrea & I have been to together, namely our first together, which was Saves The Day show three days after we started going out. I remember wishing that they'd play "Nightingale" so that it could be our first kiss song. They didn't, so our first kiss was held over until the following nite after whatever date-like activity we did. July 10, 2004 seems like so long ago, but I cannot imagine having gone through the last 14.5 months without Andrea in my life. She's all that I had hoped for and more. We've had our ups and downs, and have obviously always been able to patch things up.
Lately however, things have taken another turn for the worst with my beautiful girlfriend. Her roommate is clinically psychotic so she has to talk to an attorney to get out of her apartment lease despite having no where else to live. She's been offered rooming help from myself, Danielle & Andrea S, but it's still very rough & she doesn't want to mooch or be a burden. On top of that, her classes are hard & she isn't doing as well as she would like. She smart, so I'm positive that she'll pass them all just fine, but she isn't so optimistic. She has also just found out that Eastern Michigan is now offering a new program for her major which would likely be easier than at MSU and it would also include a Teaching Certificate; so she has to decide if she wants to transfer over there after this semester for that. All three of these things are very stressful on their own, & especially combined, and, I've had my own problems to deal with, but I am trying my best to be there for her when she needs me.
I care so much about her and hope with all my heart that everything works out for her ASAP, but I've been distracted by over 100-pages of reading per night, at least two papers per week, finding a job to connect me to journalism (my career/major) & then another job that will make me money. I am jobless for the first time since my 16th bday, so if I do not find a good job soon, I will not be able to pay my rent for Dec. or any months afterwards & will have to either borrow hundreds from my roomies or drop out of MSU for a while. I have less than $1000 to my name, and am financially independent, so I need to keep putting effort into that as well. Every day I am the first of four people in my apartment to both get up (7:45a-9:15a) and the last to go to bed (1a-3a). While all my roomies are watching ESPN or playing Triple Play 2000, I am reading textbooks or writing papers.
With all of my commitments and Andrea with all of hers, we are both having a rough time getting things to be in ideal conditions for us. When we moved up here to East Lansing, we figured that we would have a lot more time to hang out, seeing as we live just one floor apart. Andy & I thought similarly. Andy figured that I would be over at his dorm AT LEAST six days a week. In reality, I've been over there twice this entire semester, which is four weeks in. He's only been over here three times, twice being parties. Needless to say, Andrea & I have had similar problems with being able to have "us" time together. We see each other & talk every day, but unless it's a weekend, we don't have time to just sit around & watch tv like we used to. A problem to build on the "unless it's a weekend" factor is that she has needed to go home for 3 of 5 weekends, and the two that she hasn't have been the two party weekends.
I love this girl like nothing else, and she says that she loves me just the same, but all of these time commitment problems have recently added a sour taste into our relationship. Conversation of breaking up has come into the mix, thanks to some of her "friends." I don't know how people feel that they can go in & suggest that when they know very little of what happens between Andrea & I. i've been told that people are calling me selfish, when all I've been doing for the last month is homework upon more homework. I have no job & I spend only one hr per week doing soccer stuff. Even my weekends consist of at least 67% homework. I have commitments here, no car & I can't come home very often. I hate it, but there is nothing I can do. If I were to be selfish, I would demand more time to hang out with the girl that I love dearly, not to sit in my room reading textbooks. I'd appreciate if people were not to gossip about me when they do not know what is happening and I am not in the picture to add my explanation or reasons for everything that is happening here.
If a breakup ever happened, I do not know how I would go on. She's the sun in my otherwise dim days. I don't listen to a lot of bands I used to (Taking Back Sunday, Saves The Day, Linkin Park, Staind, etc.) anymore because they're more emo-esque or sad/angry-rock music & I'm in too good of a mood every time I see Andrea. Almost every time where I have been sad in the past year has been due to Andrea being in a similar mood. If she is happy, I more than likely am also. If she is stressed, sad or depressed, it rubs off on me just the same. I love her so much, and to see her going through all of this pain & then to have people suggest me as the center of it & attack me behind my back hurts even more. Especially when these are all people who I've called my friends as well. I don't know specifics about who said what, but I wouldn't have expected it from anyone either way. Now that she is taking these awful words to heart, my trust in a lot of people are shattered, just because everyone is talking negatively about me behind my back. My insides churn now too, because whenever the subject comes up or I hear her sad voice, I know that she is thinking of things other people suggested. I am thinking of them too, and it hurts to. I know that I've been uber busy & haven't had a lot of time to talk to anyone really since I moved, but my class schedule is too demanding & there's little I can do about it.
Andrea, believe me when I say that I love you more than anything. You know that I've only said "i love you" to one other person in the last decade, and that's been a friend-wise version to Priscilla. The term & phrase is a very serious one to me, and to see you and everyone else doubt it hurts me deeply. I'm sorry for any neglect, but it's gone both ways & I don't think that just because we're both busy & stressed with other things is any reason why we should allow it to take such a huge toll on our relationship. I love you..
..and I always will.