Fifth OCSFC!
title: Oops
sentence assignment (who you're writing for): For mel39,
Kirsten finds an opened letter in Ryan's room that worries and upsets her.
rating (if applicable): none
Kirsten finds an opened letter in Ryan's room that worries and upsets her.
Kirsten is at a loss as what to do. She couldn’t believe that she had screwed up her relationship with Ryan that badly.
Just seeing the way he is looking at her now, makes her want to go back into bed and shut the world out for the next 5 years. Maybe then, he’ll have forgiven her.
1 week earlier
Kirsten was feeling lonely and depressed.
Spending all day long alone in the house, just waiting for the boys to come home from school and work, wasn’t really working out for her.
Even the housework wasn’t keeping her busy enough. After cleaning up Seth room, she still had two hours to go before school let out.
Walking into the pool house, with Ryan’s laundry in her hand, she couldn’t help but be wondering why Ryan is always so meticioulous and clean.
Is it just his personality or was he still feeling like a guest in his own home.
Realizing she hasn’t had a decent conversation with him since she returned from Suriak, she promised herself to take him out to dinner.
Just herself and him. After all, she hasn’t even apologized for her harsh words at the intervention. She couldn’t believe how neglectful she had been.
Putting away his laundry into the respective drawers, Kirsten noticed a letter sticking out of his shirt drawer.
It seemed so completely out of place in Ryan’s tidy room.
Despite the rumpled corners, dirty paper and tons of stamps, she noticed right away that it has a “sent from prison” mark on it.
Who is Ryan writing to in prison? Did the police catch Trey? Is Trey trying to wiggle himself into Ryan’s life again? Asking for other favors? Endangering his brother yet again?
She knew it was wrong, so totally and completely wrong, it was against everything she believed in.
Ryan’s privacy was his grail, they never invaded it so directly, never even lied to him, but she couldn’t just not read this letter.
What if Ryan is putting Trey in danger again, she couldn’t live with herself. In her hast to read the letter before her conscience stopped her, she didn’t give the envelope another glance.
Son,
Son? Oh not Trey. Son… Ryan’s Dad.
Kirsten didn’t even think of him. She never ever thought of him. For her he simply didn’t exist.
Why does Ryan have a letter of his dad? Why is he hiding it? Again curiosity got the best of her, she couldn’t stop reading.
After all, if Trey is so dangerous, Rayn’s dad could be dangerous as well. Even worse.
In her mind concern for Ryan justified the invasion of privacy.
Thank you for your letter, its tearing me apart how much you are suffering and that I can’t do anything about it from in here. But I am hoping that it is going to change soon. I know I haven’t been the perfect dad, but I love you, never forget that. I might be up for parole in a couple of month. Hold in there, you might hate your foster family, but hold in there. There are worse foster families out there. Mom will be back. I can’t believe she left you behind. But she’ll be back to collect you.
I can’t believe that this fucking state will let you go to a foster home like that. But kid it’s not your fault that that bitch of a foster mother is drinking too. I can understand why you hate her and I’ll forgive your swearing. You can call her an asshole anytime your want. I hope that she’ll stay sober after this trip to rehab. But I can understand why you are saying that she’ll go right back to the bottle. After all, Dawn couldn’t keep alcohol away either. Find out where Trey, no matter what he has done, he’s family and he’ll do everything for you. Don’t let their real son mistreat you like that. Defend yourself. But try not to let the parents see. Don’t believe a word the foster family is saying. Believe me, I wish I can take you away from them right now. But my hands are bound. Next time you see your social worker, let him know. Tell him about their “home schooling” and the drinking women and the harsh words. Hang in there.
Write me back soon.
Dad
Oh, she didn’t expect this. Definitely didn’t expect this.
She couldn’t process her thoughts.
Ryan hated her. Ryan was writing his dad. Ryan hated her. All her thoughts always came back to that one point. Ryan hating her.
A caring father, Ryan writing to him about his problems. Ryan thinking she doesn’t want him here, Ryan hating her.
She had to sit, had to call Sandy, she needed him, she needed Ryan, and she needed her Mom to tell her that everything is going to be all right.
Kirsten sat down on the bed, the letter still clutched in her hand. She was shivering; tears began to form and with the tears came the anger.
Anger at herself, for not talking to Ryan earlier, anger at Ryan, for not coming to her about his feeling, for writing to his dad and most of all for hating her.
She doesn’t know how long she sat there. She thinks that she doesn’t know anything anymore. Her brain is empty, her feelings cold. Its just anger now.
She doesn’t hear the door being opened; she doesn’t hear Ryan coming in. She just kept staring onto the floor.
Until she felt him, felt his presence; felt him staring at the letter in her hand.
She can hear him now, hears his sharp intake of breath. She can basically feel and hear all the emotions going through his head… the confusion, the worry, the puzzlement, the anger, the feeling of betrayal and finally the disappointment and resignation.
Ryan doesn’t say anything. He just takes the letter, folds it and puts it on his table.
He is facing her now. Waiting. Waiting for her to say something.
She looks at him. She thinks she sees his hatred for her in his eyes. She is angry now, really angry.
“What are you even still doing here” She yells at him “Why don’t you just leave and let us go back to the way we were. If you hate me so much, just go. You don’t have any faith in me or in this family. So just leave. Leave us alone.”
With that she stood up and fled into the house and straight into Sandy’s arms.
*******************
Sandy was on his way out, trying to investigate what the yelling is about.
He has never heard his wife yell that much, or yell at all at Ryan for that matter.
Now she is here, sobbing into his arms.
What happened? What could have possibly happened that has his wife in tears? Everything was fine this morning.
He finally had his wife back, Ryan was back in school and everything was slowly returning to normal. Or so he thought.
Over Kirsten’s head, he could see Ryan standing in the doorway of his pool house, looking freighting and lost. He has seen this expression before; it was right before he left on this fishing boat.
Is he going to run again? Is that the reason Kirsten is so upset?
*******************
Kirsten slowly untangled herself von Sandy, feeling calmer.
His presence could always calm her down. He is her rock. He’ll know what to do.
She looks into Sandy’s eyes and sees the confusion and worry. So Kirsten explained about the letter, starting to cry again when she got to the part about Ryan hating her.
Kirsten whispered: “Sandy, he hates me, he thinks I’ll go straight back to the bottle, he hates his life here and he wants to go back with his dad.”
*******************
Sandy couldn’t understand what his wife was talking about. Ryan would never say those hurtful things to Kirsten.
He knows that Ryan has been looking forward to Kirsten’s return all summer. Ryan missed her just as much as himself.
“Honey, Ryan loves you. What makes you think that Ryan hates you? Did he say something to you?” Sandy says warmly as he hands her a tissue.
Sandy just doesn’t want to believe it’s true. Looking at Kirsten, he thinks he sees something flicker across her face, a look of embarrassment or remorse maybe.
He feels like he doesn’t want to know what Kirsten has to say.
Sure enough, his feelings are confirmed when he hears her whisper: “I was putting Ryan’s laundry away and there was this letter sticking out. It had a prison stamp. I thought it was from Trey, I thought he wanted another favor from Ryan. But it was his dad and he said that he comes out for parole soon and that Ryan wrote him a letter, saying that he hates me.” With that Kirsten started crying again.
“Oh Kirsten, you shouldn’t have read his letter. His privacy is so important to him. But I really don’t think that he hates you. Why don’t we go talk to him? Clear up this mess.”
Kirsten whispers “No, I can’t face him, not after what I said to him” and runs up to her bedroom.
*******************
Sandy is feeling at a total loss. He doesn’t what to do. He doesn’t know how to make it right.
He doesn’t even know what Kirsten said, but he knows that he can’t put off talking to Ryan any longer.
Knowing Ryan he probably feels bad and blames himself.
Walking into the pool house, Sandy worst fear seems to come true again.
Ryan is wearing his leather jacket and is packing. Not even packing, it looks like he is randomly throwing stuff into his backpack.
He looks so angry but also so lost. He needs a hug. Definitely a hug. But Sandy doesn’t dare to invide is personal space even more.
After Kirsten invaded his privacy so badly, Sandy just doesn’t know what to do.
“Ryan,” Sandy tries to get his attention, but Ryan is still packing.
“Ryan,” Sandy repeats louder “listen to me Ryan, please. Please stop packing and sit down. Please. “
*******************
Ryan is so angry. Angry at himself for finally feeling at home. For letting himself belief that he has a permanent home and a family that loves him.
He just wants to run, run as fast and as far away as he can.
But Sandy looks so worn down, his words sound so desperate. He can’t do that to Sandy. He at least owes him to sit down and to try to explain the situation to him.
Although he doesn’t fully understand what’s going on either.
He is mad at Kirsten that she read his private letter, but he doesn’t know what he did to make Kirsten so made at him.
Doesn’t she want him to write to his Dad? Not that he has done that in years. So is she mad that he kept a letter?
He just doesn’t know what he did wrong and why Kirsten suddenly wants him out of the house.
He thought that she finally feels like he is part of her family.
Ryan doesn’t know what to tell Sandy, he just knows that he has to leave. “I can’t stay here, Sandy. Kirsten doesn’t want me here, she told me to leave. So please let me go now. I have to go.”
With that Ryan stood up and tried to continue packing.
But Sandy developed him in a strong hug.
After a few seconds Ryan hugged him back. He still felt tense and angry but slowly relaxed a little bit, when he heard Sandy say: “Ryan, believe me when I tell you that Kirsten doesn’t want you to leave. I don’t know why she said that, but she is just as upset as you are about it. She feels bad. And she definitely doesn’t want you to go. For some reason she thinks that you hate her”
“She thinks I hate her?” Ryan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Why would she think that?”
Ryan felt pulled in two directions, despite his anger at Kirsten for reading his letter; he still couldn’t help but feel guilty.
He didn’t know what he did. But he must have done something to make Kirsten think that. He felt unsteady and feared that he might break down.
He stepped away, saw Sandy frown. “I was hoping you would be able to tell me. She read the letter from your dad and I know that it was wrong of her and she feels bad about it, but I know she thinks that you hate her.” Sandy slowly said.
Ryan felt numb; he wasn’t even sure what was written in the letter, he had it for so long. It was the only letter his dad ever wrote to him, so he kept it.
But nothing in there should make Kristen feel hated.
“Sandy, it still doesn’t explain why Kirsten would think I hate her. That letter is 10 years old.”
Now Sandy’s face showed the confusion Ryan was feeling.
He is glad that he is not the only one not understanding what is going on. Maybe Sandy could help understand it if he reads the letter.
Without saying anything Ryan just gets up and hands Sandy the letter. But he feels really drained and tired and on some lever he still wants to leave really bad.
*******************
Sandy stars at the letter. He doesn’t know what to think.
But he wants to know what his wife is so upset about.
He takes the letter, seeing it as an admittance that Ryan still trusts him and that Ryan is not that upset anymore. But when he hears Ryan ask him, if he can be left alone, he isn’t so sure anymore.
“Will you promise me that you are going to stay here tonight? That we will talk more about it tomorrow?” He nervously counts the seconds when Ryan doesn’t say anything.
But then Ryan looks him straight into the eyes and says he promises.
And Sandy believes Ryan. He knows that Ryan doesn’t make promises easily so he knows without a doubt that Ryan doesn’t really want to leave and that he wants to work it out.
So he leaves him alone, but not without emphasizing one last time: “Ryan, never forget I love you, and Kirsten loves you too, no one wants you to leave.”
He takes Ryan’s nod as acknowledgment that he at least listened to Sandy. Even if he does not truly believe it yet, but Sandy vows that they are going to change that too.
Sandy takes the letter into the kitchen and reads it.
He doesn’t like Frank Atwood. He has never met him but after what he read in Ryan’s file about his dad, he can’t help but hating him.
But reading this letter, he can feel that Ryan’s dad cared about Ryan.
I can understand why you hate her
That’s what Kirsten is so sad about.
No wonder that she is so shook up. He would be himself. But Ryan said that the letter was 10 years ago.
Sure enough, the envelope confirms it. It is dated Nov- 1st 1996. So Ryan was about 7 or 8 at that time. That was about the same time Ryan was in foster care.
Trying to remember exactly what he read in Ryan’s file. Ryan was in foster care twice before. Both times because Dawn was out drinking and left the kids home alone for several days.
The courts ordered rehab for Dawn and the boys went into foster care.
Ryan must have written this letter when he was in his first foster home. That thought made Sandy’s stomach turn.
He feels sick. Foster care is supposed to give abused kids hope and a real family. It’s supposed to keep them safe and loved and show them what real families are about and not be the same as his home life used to be.
Ryan would have been better of with a drunk mother at that point. At least he would have been around his brother and friends and familiar neighborhood.
Investigating the envelope further, Sandy found another crumpled sheet of paper in the envelope.
He pulled it out and thought immediately that it must be the letter Ryan wrote to his dad.
Why Frank sent it back he doesn’t know, but he is glad to see something of Ryan’s that he did as a kid.
Ryan’s personality is already shining through. His handwriting is so neat and he even used a ruler to cross out misspelled words. Seth never did that at that age and he probably still doesn’t do it.
Reading Ryan’s letter, Sandy can’t help but smile. Sure it was a terrible situation for Ryan, but he can finally see a little bit into Ryan’s feelings as a kid.
And he knows that this will show Kirsten that she misread everything and that Ryan doesn’t hate her.
He just doesn’t know if Ryan will be able to forgive and forget Kirsten words so easily.
Those two have to talk and listen to each other.
Not wanting to waste a minute longer, he goes to find Kirsten right away.
He finds her lying on their bed, hugging her pillow and looking miserable. But she is not longer crying.
Sandy has to tread carefully. He knows that as soon as Kirsten reads this letter, she will be feeling even worse than before about the things she said to Ryan.
And she will be hurting.
He just wants to take all the pain away from her.
But that’s not possible and he can just hope that she is strong enough to stay sober.
“Honey,” Sandy wishered “how are you feeling? I just talked to Ryan and showed me the letter you were reading, but..”
“So you saw it for yourself.” She interrupted, a little bit of the anger returning.
But Sandy didn’t want to her to get worked up again so he quickly told her: “Did you read the second letter, the one that Ryan wrote? “
Waiting for Kirsten to shake her head no, Sandy continued “Because that was 10 years ago, Honey. Ryan wrote that when he lived in a foster home when he was 8.”
*******************
Kirsten feels all the color drain from her face. She feels sick.
She now remembers that there was a second piece of paper attached to it. In her disappointment and anger, her brain didn’t even realize it.
She doesn’t really want to read it. It will be proof that she was wrong and that she yelled at Ryan for no reason. But she has to. She has to get the full story.
Hey Dad,
How are you doing? Are you coming home son? I miss you. I don’t life with mom anylonger anymore. She left me and they putt me in this famili here. They are so stupid. I hate this women. She is drunk all the time, same as mommy and now she just came back from rehapp. She doesn’t even talk to me anymore. She is an asshole. Sorry for swering. She yelled at me for trying to help her. She said that she let me into her hous and I am an ungratefull little brat. She hates me. And her real son is always hitting me. I don’t know were Trey is, he left me too. We had a figt and he left. I am not in school anymore, they have me here at the hous all the time.
Please come home and get me. I want us to be a real family again.
Your son Ryan
Had she just read this letter before Ryan came home.
God, she feels so bad. All the things she said to Ryan came floating back into her head.
So just leave. Leave us alone.
She has to talk to Ryan immediately, has to apologize.
So she gets up, ready to run into the pool house, just to be stopped by Sandy.
“Where are you running to?” he asked.
“I have to talk to Ryan. NOW.”
Doesn’t he understand what she did to Ryan?
Ryan is probably packing already. “Please Sandy let me go. I yelled at Ryan to leave us alone. He is probably packing already”
She said when Sandy still wasn’t letting her go.
As gently as possibly Sandy tries to explain to her: “Honey, I already talked to Ryan. He promised me that he is going to stay and that we are going to talk about it tomorrow. “
“So he thought about running? Was he already packing?” when Sandy hesitated, she pleaded with him “please tell me Sandy, how much damage did I do?”
She can see Sandy arguing with himslef. She knows that he wants to protect her from everything.
But Ryan is her son too and she needs to know the truth. That still doesn’t keep her from shaking when Sandy tells him that Ryan was angrily packing his backpack.
She has to talk to him tonight or she knows that none of them will get any sleep tonight. “Sandy, I have to talk to him. You know him, he’ll just lie awake all night, thinking that I want him gone.”
Leaving Sandy behind, she walked across the patio into the pool house.
It wasn’t even 8 yet, but Ryan had the all but one blind lowered and she could see him lying on his bed in his sweatpants and wife beater.
But she knows that he is not sleeping. She knows him pretty well by now and knows that he can’t sleep when he is upset.
And sure enough when she knocks, he sits up right away and she can see him tensing up even more.
He looks her in the eyes for what feels to her like hours, but then he looks away and motions for her to come inside.
Kirsten slowly walks inside, carefully watching Ryan, trying to judge his mood. Does he still look angry or is he mostly upset and sad? She can’t really tell, because Ryan is refusing to meet her eyes and is instead studying his bedspread as if it holds all the answers to the world.
She doesn’t know how to start, but she knows that this will be hard to set between them. And it is all her fault. Had she just not read the letter.
She could have asked him about it instead of reading it. But it’s too late now. The mistakes are made. It’s time to fix them.
She just doesn’t know how.
“Ryan please I am so sorry. So sorry that I read your letter and so sorry what I said to you. I didn’t mean it. Please believe me.”
She stopped to see if Ryan would say anything, but predictly he didn’t even look up.
“Ryan, please look at me. I have to know that you are listening to me.” Ryan nodded once.
At least a reaction, thought Kirsten. At least he is listening to me, now I just have to make him believe me she thought.
“Ryan I should have never read your letter, but I saw the prison stamp and I thought it would be from your brother and that he wants you to do something for him again. Something that would put your in danger. But that’s no excuse I shouldn’t have invaded your privacy like that. I am so sorry, but I can’t take it back. I can just hope that you can forgive me. And even worse .. All the things I said to you. Again there is no excuse. But I truly thought that you hate me. I don’t want you gone. Never. You leaving on that boat was the worst thing. I can’t imagine you gone and not knowing where you are and what you are doing. For some reason I truly believed that you don’t want to be here. I guess it is because I know or I think that you don’t like me as much as you like Sandy because I was the one who was against this guardianship in the beginning and I was the one who started to drink and said the those awful things to you at the intervention. I can’t even blame you for not wanting to be here.” She had to stop here, she couldn’t go on, couldn’t keep herself from crying.
It was the most she ever said to him in one go and the most truthful and hurtful at the same time.
Kirsten was sobbing hard now; she couldn’t control herself any longer.
It was her fault that Ryan even considered leaving this house and this family just because she yelled at him.
It was her fault Ryan was feeling so bad and insecure again. It was her fault. She didn’t even dare to look at him.
She felt lonely and desperalty needed Sandy to hug her and to tell her that everything will be all right.
She didn’t know how long she was sitting there, crying in front of Ryan, instead of reassuring him that she still loves him, always has, always will.
She felt, rather then heard Ryan getting up and sitting next to her and she was bracing herself for the harsh words she knew were coming.
But she definitely didn’t expect him to hug her. But he hold her in his arms and she could feel him rubbing his hand across her back.
So instead of her assuring him, he is comforting her.
Great, another failure as another, she thinks. But then she hears him talk and what she hears makes her feel so good and so bad at the same time: “Why would you ever believe that I could hate you. I love you Kirsten.”
She had to strain to hear him. But when she entangles herself from his hug and looked him into the eyes she knows that she heard correctly and she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. That made her happier than she ever thought she has been.
As happy as she has been at Seth’s birth or her wedding. But it also makes her feel so much worse about what she said to him.
“Will you be able to forgive me for yelling at you like this?” Kirsten asked.
1 week later
Although Ryan had assured Kirsten that night that she is forgiven, Kirsten knows in her heart that their relationship is damaged.
It had never been whole and pure to begin with, but her words, her yelling and her actions could not be forgotten that easily.
She knows that Ryan tries to treat her like usual, but she can feel the drift. The looks he sends her and his careful treading around her.
It’s like first year Ryan all over again.
And she doesn’t like it. Not one bit. But she doesn’t know what to do. She needs a plan, she needs a grand gesture.
She needs Seth.
TBC. Or not
.
sentence assignment (who you're writing for): For mel39,
Kirsten finds an opened letter in Ryan's room that worries and upsets her.
rating (if applicable): none
Kirsten finds an opened letter in Ryan's room that worries and upsets her.
Kirsten is at a loss as what to do. She couldn’t believe that she had screwed up her relationship with Ryan that badly.
Just seeing the way he is looking at her now, makes her want to go back into bed and shut the world out for the next 5 years. Maybe then, he’ll have forgiven her.
1 week earlier
Kirsten was feeling lonely and depressed.
Spending all day long alone in the house, just waiting for the boys to come home from school and work, wasn’t really working out for her.
Even the housework wasn’t keeping her busy enough. After cleaning up Seth room, she still had two hours to go before school let out.
Walking into the pool house, with Ryan’s laundry in her hand, she couldn’t help but be wondering why Ryan is always so meticioulous and clean.
Is it just his personality or was he still feeling like a guest in his own home.
Realizing she hasn’t had a decent conversation with him since she returned from Suriak, she promised herself to take him out to dinner.
Just herself and him. After all, she hasn’t even apologized for her harsh words at the intervention. She couldn’t believe how neglectful she had been.
Putting away his laundry into the respective drawers, Kirsten noticed a letter sticking out of his shirt drawer.
It seemed so completely out of place in Ryan’s tidy room.
Despite the rumpled corners, dirty paper and tons of stamps, she noticed right away that it has a “sent from prison” mark on it.
Who is Ryan writing to in prison? Did the police catch Trey? Is Trey trying to wiggle himself into Ryan’s life again? Asking for other favors? Endangering his brother yet again?
She knew it was wrong, so totally and completely wrong, it was against everything she believed in.
Ryan’s privacy was his grail, they never invaded it so directly, never even lied to him, but she couldn’t just not read this letter.
What if Ryan is putting Trey in danger again, she couldn’t live with herself. In her hast to read the letter before her conscience stopped her, she didn’t give the envelope another glance.
Son,
Son? Oh not Trey. Son… Ryan’s Dad.
Kirsten didn’t even think of him. She never ever thought of him. For her he simply didn’t exist.
Why does Ryan have a letter of his dad? Why is he hiding it? Again curiosity got the best of her, she couldn’t stop reading.
After all, if Trey is so dangerous, Rayn’s dad could be dangerous as well. Even worse.
In her mind concern for Ryan justified the invasion of privacy.
Thank you for your letter, its tearing me apart how much you are suffering and that I can’t do anything about it from in here. But I am hoping that it is going to change soon. I know I haven’t been the perfect dad, but I love you, never forget that. I might be up for parole in a couple of month. Hold in there, you might hate your foster family, but hold in there. There are worse foster families out there. Mom will be back. I can’t believe she left you behind. But she’ll be back to collect you.
I can’t believe that this fucking state will let you go to a foster home like that. But kid it’s not your fault that that bitch of a foster mother is drinking too. I can understand why you hate her and I’ll forgive your swearing. You can call her an asshole anytime your want. I hope that she’ll stay sober after this trip to rehab. But I can understand why you are saying that she’ll go right back to the bottle. After all, Dawn couldn’t keep alcohol away either. Find out where Trey, no matter what he has done, he’s family and he’ll do everything for you. Don’t let their real son mistreat you like that. Defend yourself. But try not to let the parents see. Don’t believe a word the foster family is saying. Believe me, I wish I can take you away from them right now. But my hands are bound. Next time you see your social worker, let him know. Tell him about their “home schooling” and the drinking women and the harsh words. Hang in there.
Write me back soon.
Dad
Oh, she didn’t expect this. Definitely didn’t expect this.
She couldn’t process her thoughts.
Ryan hated her. Ryan was writing his dad. Ryan hated her. All her thoughts always came back to that one point. Ryan hating her.
A caring father, Ryan writing to him about his problems. Ryan thinking she doesn’t want him here, Ryan hating her.
She had to sit, had to call Sandy, she needed him, she needed Ryan, and she needed her Mom to tell her that everything is going to be all right.
Kirsten sat down on the bed, the letter still clutched in her hand. She was shivering; tears began to form and with the tears came the anger.
Anger at herself, for not talking to Ryan earlier, anger at Ryan, for not coming to her about his feeling, for writing to his dad and most of all for hating her.
She doesn’t know how long she sat there. She thinks that she doesn’t know anything anymore. Her brain is empty, her feelings cold. Its just anger now.
She doesn’t hear the door being opened; she doesn’t hear Ryan coming in. She just kept staring onto the floor.
Until she felt him, felt his presence; felt him staring at the letter in her hand.
She can hear him now, hears his sharp intake of breath. She can basically feel and hear all the emotions going through his head… the confusion, the worry, the puzzlement, the anger, the feeling of betrayal and finally the disappointment and resignation.
Ryan doesn’t say anything. He just takes the letter, folds it and puts it on his table.
He is facing her now. Waiting. Waiting for her to say something.
She looks at him. She thinks she sees his hatred for her in his eyes. She is angry now, really angry.
“What are you even still doing here” She yells at him “Why don’t you just leave and let us go back to the way we were. If you hate me so much, just go. You don’t have any faith in me or in this family. So just leave. Leave us alone.”
With that she stood up and fled into the house and straight into Sandy’s arms.
*******************
Sandy was on his way out, trying to investigate what the yelling is about.
He has never heard his wife yell that much, or yell at all at Ryan for that matter.
Now she is here, sobbing into his arms.
What happened? What could have possibly happened that has his wife in tears? Everything was fine this morning.
He finally had his wife back, Ryan was back in school and everything was slowly returning to normal. Or so he thought.
Over Kirsten’s head, he could see Ryan standing in the doorway of his pool house, looking freighting and lost. He has seen this expression before; it was right before he left on this fishing boat.
Is he going to run again? Is that the reason Kirsten is so upset?
*******************
Kirsten slowly untangled herself von Sandy, feeling calmer.
His presence could always calm her down. He is her rock. He’ll know what to do.
She looks into Sandy’s eyes and sees the confusion and worry. So Kirsten explained about the letter, starting to cry again when she got to the part about Ryan hating her.
Kirsten whispered: “Sandy, he hates me, he thinks I’ll go straight back to the bottle, he hates his life here and he wants to go back with his dad.”
*******************
Sandy couldn’t understand what his wife was talking about. Ryan would never say those hurtful things to Kirsten.
He knows that Ryan has been looking forward to Kirsten’s return all summer. Ryan missed her just as much as himself.
“Honey, Ryan loves you. What makes you think that Ryan hates you? Did he say something to you?” Sandy says warmly as he hands her a tissue.
Sandy just doesn’t want to believe it’s true. Looking at Kirsten, he thinks he sees something flicker across her face, a look of embarrassment or remorse maybe.
He feels like he doesn’t want to know what Kirsten has to say.
Sure enough, his feelings are confirmed when he hears her whisper: “I was putting Ryan’s laundry away and there was this letter sticking out. It had a prison stamp. I thought it was from Trey, I thought he wanted another favor from Ryan. But it was his dad and he said that he comes out for parole soon and that Ryan wrote him a letter, saying that he hates me.” With that Kirsten started crying again.
“Oh Kirsten, you shouldn’t have read his letter. His privacy is so important to him. But I really don’t think that he hates you. Why don’t we go talk to him? Clear up this mess.”
Kirsten whispers “No, I can’t face him, not after what I said to him” and runs up to her bedroom.
*******************
Sandy is feeling at a total loss. He doesn’t what to do. He doesn’t know how to make it right.
He doesn’t even know what Kirsten said, but he knows that he can’t put off talking to Ryan any longer.
Knowing Ryan he probably feels bad and blames himself.
Walking into the pool house, Sandy worst fear seems to come true again.
Ryan is wearing his leather jacket and is packing. Not even packing, it looks like he is randomly throwing stuff into his backpack.
He looks so angry but also so lost. He needs a hug. Definitely a hug. But Sandy doesn’t dare to invide is personal space even more.
After Kirsten invaded his privacy so badly, Sandy just doesn’t know what to do.
“Ryan,” Sandy tries to get his attention, but Ryan is still packing.
“Ryan,” Sandy repeats louder “listen to me Ryan, please. Please stop packing and sit down. Please. “
*******************
Ryan is so angry. Angry at himself for finally feeling at home. For letting himself belief that he has a permanent home and a family that loves him.
He just wants to run, run as fast and as far away as he can.
But Sandy looks so worn down, his words sound so desperate. He can’t do that to Sandy. He at least owes him to sit down and to try to explain the situation to him.
Although he doesn’t fully understand what’s going on either.
He is mad at Kirsten that she read his private letter, but he doesn’t know what he did to make Kirsten so made at him.
Doesn’t she want him to write to his Dad? Not that he has done that in years. So is she mad that he kept a letter?
He just doesn’t know what he did wrong and why Kirsten suddenly wants him out of the house.
He thought that she finally feels like he is part of her family.
Ryan doesn’t know what to tell Sandy, he just knows that he has to leave. “I can’t stay here, Sandy. Kirsten doesn’t want me here, she told me to leave. So please let me go now. I have to go.”
With that Ryan stood up and tried to continue packing.
But Sandy developed him in a strong hug.
After a few seconds Ryan hugged him back. He still felt tense and angry but slowly relaxed a little bit, when he heard Sandy say: “Ryan, believe me when I tell you that Kirsten doesn’t want you to leave. I don’t know why she said that, but she is just as upset as you are about it. She feels bad. And she definitely doesn’t want you to go. For some reason she thinks that you hate her”
“She thinks I hate her?” Ryan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Why would she think that?”
Ryan felt pulled in two directions, despite his anger at Kirsten for reading his letter; he still couldn’t help but feel guilty.
He didn’t know what he did. But he must have done something to make Kirsten think that. He felt unsteady and feared that he might break down.
He stepped away, saw Sandy frown. “I was hoping you would be able to tell me. She read the letter from your dad and I know that it was wrong of her and she feels bad about it, but I know she thinks that you hate her.” Sandy slowly said.
Ryan felt numb; he wasn’t even sure what was written in the letter, he had it for so long. It was the only letter his dad ever wrote to him, so he kept it.
But nothing in there should make Kristen feel hated.
“Sandy, it still doesn’t explain why Kirsten would think I hate her. That letter is 10 years old.”
Now Sandy’s face showed the confusion Ryan was feeling.
He is glad that he is not the only one not understanding what is going on. Maybe Sandy could help understand it if he reads the letter.
Without saying anything Ryan just gets up and hands Sandy the letter. But he feels really drained and tired and on some lever he still wants to leave really bad.
*******************
Sandy stars at the letter. He doesn’t know what to think.
But he wants to know what his wife is so upset about.
He takes the letter, seeing it as an admittance that Ryan still trusts him and that Ryan is not that upset anymore. But when he hears Ryan ask him, if he can be left alone, he isn’t so sure anymore.
“Will you promise me that you are going to stay here tonight? That we will talk more about it tomorrow?” He nervously counts the seconds when Ryan doesn’t say anything.
But then Ryan looks him straight into the eyes and says he promises.
And Sandy believes Ryan. He knows that Ryan doesn’t make promises easily so he knows without a doubt that Ryan doesn’t really want to leave and that he wants to work it out.
So he leaves him alone, but not without emphasizing one last time: “Ryan, never forget I love you, and Kirsten loves you too, no one wants you to leave.”
He takes Ryan’s nod as acknowledgment that he at least listened to Sandy. Even if he does not truly believe it yet, but Sandy vows that they are going to change that too.
Sandy takes the letter into the kitchen and reads it.
He doesn’t like Frank Atwood. He has never met him but after what he read in Ryan’s file about his dad, he can’t help but hating him.
But reading this letter, he can feel that Ryan’s dad cared about Ryan.
I can understand why you hate her
That’s what Kirsten is so sad about.
No wonder that she is so shook up. He would be himself. But Ryan said that the letter was 10 years ago.
Sure enough, the envelope confirms it. It is dated Nov- 1st 1996. So Ryan was about 7 or 8 at that time. That was about the same time Ryan was in foster care.
Trying to remember exactly what he read in Ryan’s file. Ryan was in foster care twice before. Both times because Dawn was out drinking and left the kids home alone for several days.
The courts ordered rehab for Dawn and the boys went into foster care.
Ryan must have written this letter when he was in his first foster home. That thought made Sandy’s stomach turn.
He feels sick. Foster care is supposed to give abused kids hope and a real family. It’s supposed to keep them safe and loved and show them what real families are about and not be the same as his home life used to be.
Ryan would have been better of with a drunk mother at that point. At least he would have been around his brother and friends and familiar neighborhood.
Investigating the envelope further, Sandy found another crumpled sheet of paper in the envelope.
He pulled it out and thought immediately that it must be the letter Ryan wrote to his dad.
Why Frank sent it back he doesn’t know, but he is glad to see something of Ryan’s that he did as a kid.
Ryan’s personality is already shining through. His handwriting is so neat and he even used a ruler to cross out misspelled words. Seth never did that at that age and he probably still doesn’t do it.
Reading Ryan’s letter, Sandy can’t help but smile. Sure it was a terrible situation for Ryan, but he can finally see a little bit into Ryan’s feelings as a kid.
And he knows that this will show Kirsten that she misread everything and that Ryan doesn’t hate her.
He just doesn’t know if Ryan will be able to forgive and forget Kirsten words so easily.
Those two have to talk and listen to each other.
Not wanting to waste a minute longer, he goes to find Kirsten right away.
He finds her lying on their bed, hugging her pillow and looking miserable. But she is not longer crying.
Sandy has to tread carefully. He knows that as soon as Kirsten reads this letter, she will be feeling even worse than before about the things she said to Ryan.
And she will be hurting.
He just wants to take all the pain away from her.
But that’s not possible and he can just hope that she is strong enough to stay sober.
“Honey,” Sandy wishered “how are you feeling? I just talked to Ryan and showed me the letter you were reading, but..”
“So you saw it for yourself.” She interrupted, a little bit of the anger returning.
But Sandy didn’t want to her to get worked up again so he quickly told her: “Did you read the second letter, the one that Ryan wrote? “
Waiting for Kirsten to shake her head no, Sandy continued “Because that was 10 years ago, Honey. Ryan wrote that when he lived in a foster home when he was 8.”
*******************
Kirsten feels all the color drain from her face. She feels sick.
She now remembers that there was a second piece of paper attached to it. In her disappointment and anger, her brain didn’t even realize it.
She doesn’t really want to read it. It will be proof that she was wrong and that she yelled at Ryan for no reason. But she has to. She has to get the full story.
Hey Dad,
How are you doing? Are you coming home son? I miss you. I don’t life with mom anylonger anymore. She left me and they putt me in this famili here. They are so stupid. I hate this women. She is drunk all the time, same as mommy and now she just came back from rehapp. She doesn’t even talk to me anymore. She is an asshole. Sorry for swering. She yelled at me for trying to help her. She said that she let me into her hous and I am an ungratefull little brat. She hates me. And her real son is always hitting me. I don’t know were Trey is, he left me too. We had a figt and he left. I am not in school anymore, they have me here at the hous all the time.
Please come home and get me. I want us to be a real family again.
Your son Ryan
Had she just read this letter before Ryan came home.
God, she feels so bad. All the things she said to Ryan came floating back into her head.
So just leave. Leave us alone.
She has to talk to Ryan immediately, has to apologize.
So she gets up, ready to run into the pool house, just to be stopped by Sandy.
“Where are you running to?” he asked.
“I have to talk to Ryan. NOW.”
Doesn’t he understand what she did to Ryan?
Ryan is probably packing already. “Please Sandy let me go. I yelled at Ryan to leave us alone. He is probably packing already”
She said when Sandy still wasn’t letting her go.
As gently as possibly Sandy tries to explain to her: “Honey, I already talked to Ryan. He promised me that he is going to stay and that we are going to talk about it tomorrow. “
“So he thought about running? Was he already packing?” when Sandy hesitated, she pleaded with him “please tell me Sandy, how much damage did I do?”
She can see Sandy arguing with himslef. She knows that he wants to protect her from everything.
But Ryan is her son too and she needs to know the truth. That still doesn’t keep her from shaking when Sandy tells him that Ryan was angrily packing his backpack.
She has to talk to him tonight or she knows that none of them will get any sleep tonight. “Sandy, I have to talk to him. You know him, he’ll just lie awake all night, thinking that I want him gone.”
Leaving Sandy behind, she walked across the patio into the pool house.
It wasn’t even 8 yet, but Ryan had the all but one blind lowered and she could see him lying on his bed in his sweatpants and wife beater.
But she knows that he is not sleeping. She knows him pretty well by now and knows that he can’t sleep when he is upset.
And sure enough when she knocks, he sits up right away and she can see him tensing up even more.
He looks her in the eyes for what feels to her like hours, but then he looks away and motions for her to come inside.
Kirsten slowly walks inside, carefully watching Ryan, trying to judge his mood. Does he still look angry or is he mostly upset and sad? She can’t really tell, because Ryan is refusing to meet her eyes and is instead studying his bedspread as if it holds all the answers to the world.
She doesn’t know how to start, but she knows that this will be hard to set between them. And it is all her fault. Had she just not read the letter.
She could have asked him about it instead of reading it. But it’s too late now. The mistakes are made. It’s time to fix them.
She just doesn’t know how.
“Ryan please I am so sorry. So sorry that I read your letter and so sorry what I said to you. I didn’t mean it. Please believe me.”
She stopped to see if Ryan would say anything, but predictly he didn’t even look up.
“Ryan, please look at me. I have to know that you are listening to me.” Ryan nodded once.
At least a reaction, thought Kirsten. At least he is listening to me, now I just have to make him believe me she thought.
“Ryan I should have never read your letter, but I saw the prison stamp and I thought it would be from your brother and that he wants you to do something for him again. Something that would put your in danger. But that’s no excuse I shouldn’t have invaded your privacy like that. I am so sorry, but I can’t take it back. I can just hope that you can forgive me. And even worse .. All the things I said to you. Again there is no excuse. But I truly thought that you hate me. I don’t want you gone. Never. You leaving on that boat was the worst thing. I can’t imagine you gone and not knowing where you are and what you are doing. For some reason I truly believed that you don’t want to be here. I guess it is because I know or I think that you don’t like me as much as you like Sandy because I was the one who was against this guardianship in the beginning and I was the one who started to drink and said the those awful things to you at the intervention. I can’t even blame you for not wanting to be here.” She had to stop here, she couldn’t go on, couldn’t keep herself from crying.
It was the most she ever said to him in one go and the most truthful and hurtful at the same time.
Kirsten was sobbing hard now; she couldn’t control herself any longer.
It was her fault that Ryan even considered leaving this house and this family just because she yelled at him.
It was her fault Ryan was feeling so bad and insecure again. It was her fault. She didn’t even dare to look at him.
She felt lonely and desperalty needed Sandy to hug her and to tell her that everything will be all right.
She didn’t know how long she was sitting there, crying in front of Ryan, instead of reassuring him that she still loves him, always has, always will.
She felt, rather then heard Ryan getting up and sitting next to her and she was bracing herself for the harsh words she knew were coming.
But she definitely didn’t expect him to hug her. But he hold her in his arms and she could feel him rubbing his hand across her back.
So instead of her assuring him, he is comforting her.
Great, another failure as another, she thinks. But then she hears him talk and what she hears makes her feel so good and so bad at the same time: “Why would you ever believe that I could hate you. I love you Kirsten.”
She had to strain to hear him. But when she entangles herself from his hug and looked him into the eyes she knows that she heard correctly and she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. That made her happier than she ever thought she has been.
As happy as she has been at Seth’s birth or her wedding. But it also makes her feel so much worse about what she said to him.
“Will you be able to forgive me for yelling at you like this?” Kirsten asked.
1 week later
Although Ryan had assured Kirsten that night that she is forgiven, Kirsten knows in her heart that their relationship is damaged.
It had never been whole and pure to begin with, but her words, her yelling and her actions could not be forgotten that easily.
She knows that Ryan tries to treat her like usual, but she can feel the drift. The looks he sends her and his careful treading around her.
It’s like first year Ryan all over again.
And she doesn’t like it. Not one bit. But she doesn’t know what to do. She needs a plan, she needs a grand gesture.
She needs Seth.
TBC. Or not
.