And So It Ends
The final summer I will ever truly have as a student has just concluded. In ways, it seemed like the infinite summer, mostly because one day was so similar to the other. I worked whatever shift I was assigned, came home and often took a nap. Then it was dinner and off to the horse barn and just hanging out at home on the computer after that. I must admit a considerable amount of disappointment in myself. I had a great deal of plans when it started, most of which failed to come to fruition. We shall see what happens now that I'm back in the student mode. In my defense, I went from being burned out due to school to being very burned out after the summer of work. This summer did not have the frenetic business of the infamous one last year that I shall forever remember as Bloody Summer, but it was not a good one nonetheless. In an uncharacteristic moment of actually expressing my feelings, I said that this summer was the worst one I ever had on my last day of work to a friend. Maybe it was exaggeration, but not by nearly as much as I would have liked.
Stormy had a bit of a rough summer too. Shortly after my last entry, he strained his carpel check ligament. That's the one they lock in order to sleep standing up, among other things. So he was on stall rest for a little while and then restricted in the amount of exercise he could do. For the most part, that affected the rest of the summer. I have made a point of not pressing the issue, being particularly cautious in the area of riding. Part of it is the fact that it wouldn't be fair to him to be ridden heavily and then left with only sporadic activity when I'm at school and part of it is my awareness of the my heavier weight than most riders. Even as the summer waned with his one leg recovering, we came to find he had a mild case of thrush in the other front leg. This is a much simpler treatment, just regular treatments of his foot with some Copertox, just a copper compound that works good for that. It was never really that bad: Scotch's thrush several years ago it was very obvious once the hoof was cleaned out because of the smell among other things. I think he would have never gotten sick but for the extended time stuck in his stall.
Scotch was doing quite well. We switched her from cyproheptadine to pergolide, the more potent of the anti-Cushings drugs they use for horses and she seems to have responded well. Between the greater hair loss and the cooler summer, we did not even bother having her body clipped this time around. She did get a goiter, so we've been keeping an eye on that. I noticed her licking her mineral block two days in a row and made a point of checking it very carefully the following day. It seemed to be both smaller and softer both times, so we've explored ways to up her mineral intake. I've taken what I learned in my patient assessment course to try and determine if it is hypo or hyper thyroidism that is causing the goiter, since both could cause it. This is somewhat complicated by the Cushings. We had some good moments. I'd spend a lot of time with her on some nights and one night just a week ago I think, stands out in my mind. I hung out with her and I remember holding her head and her pressing it into my chest. That's a big gesture of affection on the part of Scotch. I didn't want it to end.
I think I was particularly inclined to spend time with them, particularly in light of an incident a few weeks ago. As we were getting ready to leave on a Sunday, we notice Courtney's horse Comet was acting weird. Later on he began demonstrating a lot of the classic signs of colic, which caused a great deal of concern. We had already called the help to see if we needed the vet, now it became a much more urgent issue. He was lying down a lot and rolling, which is very very bad. We got him up and kept him moving until some of the help and the vet got there. I had the privilege, if you will, of helping pump mineral oil into his gut via a nasal tube. He seemed to be doing better at this point. But a few days later he had to go down to the clinic and he died. I think they said something had messed up on his insides. It wasn't colic, but it was bad, even sedated to the point where he could barely stand he was in excruciating pain. It had a profound effect on me, it got me to thinking a lot about my own, particularly Scotch. Comet had gone rapidly from bad to worse, the same kind of time frame I could be gone at school or on a rotation. Courtney's Down Syndrome is, in many ways, a blessing, this case in particular. She never quite grasped the reality of the situation, helped by the fact she didn't see him die or the body. If the same thing happened to Scotch ... I don't even want to think about it.
I admit, after the first half of the summer, the situation at work improved slightly. Partially because I simply did what I had to do and kept to myself. By the last month, the social situation had improved significantly. Suffice to say, I continued to get more and more burned out as time went on. I think there's no sense in belaboring the point and I must confess a slight level of nostalgia towards the end of my period there. I also thought that it was a valuable lesson that I could learn. As the economy continues to trend downward, even in a high demand field such as pharmacy, getting a job and keeping it may be a difficult thing. I may not have the luxury of being overly picky about my work situation and learning how to deal with less than ideal situations is a good skill to have.
I didn't get out a whole lot. I made a few sojourns out and about, most of mine to coffee places looking for a good place to perform music or just hang out. I did a little songwriting in one of these ventures, maybe I can explore that a little more in the future.
This summer has left me drained and the darkness that has sometimes been a dominant force in my life grew stronger. I don't like where this is going. I can only hope that falling in with the right people might give me a chance to heal some. If I suffer many more wounds, I don't know if recovery will be easy or even possible. We shall see where it goes.