(no subject)
my grandma passed away one month ago. we all watched her die.
we watched her die four times and come back four times and then die a fifth time.
i visited her on friday when we still thought she had time. she bitched about how many blankets they put on her and how she was going to break out of the hospital. she told me that we should knock a piece of ceiling tile down onto her head so that we could sue the hospital and run away with all their money. i helped her drink her juice to keep her mouth moist. i said goodbye, felt strange about it, and then left.
at her funeral, i helped to write the priest's speech. i had to read a passage from the bible, something i did not enjoy, nor did i particularly like accepting the host or saying some of the prayers...i felt like a huge fucking bastard. i did these things to honor my grandma, though. i don't think she would have liked to see me treating her funeral like a silent protest...i still feel bad about doing these things, idk. anyway, i helped to write the speech. i cried especially hard. her funeral was LARGELY composed of my words. little things that i remembered about her. the way i felt about her - i glorified her. my letter to the priest made my dad cry. i don't even think i've ever seen him cry prior to that? idk.
maybe i am becoming more aware of the impact of the situation now because it is easter and she's supposed to come over and bring us candy and cards and money and bitch about the terrible state of the world and all the people in it.
maybe i am becoming more aware of the situation because i, just the other day, realized how old my dad is. he looks old all of a sudden and i don't know when his face changed. maybe it started when aunt mary died or when kevin had heart surgery. either way, his face has changed and i am scared.
my aunt is a pretty serious alcoholic. i don't know when that began, either. she's rubbing off on my dad. she's always passing out in her chair and getting loud and i have to carry her down the stairs to pass out. i'll tell you what i hate most about this, dammit. it's the fact that she comes to MY house to get drunk. she has her own fucking apartment and she chooses to come over here to be belligerent and sloppy and passes out on MY couch and i have to carry her there. one thing i hate most about alcoholism is that you wake up in the morning and you just don't remember how embarrassing you are.
i am feeling generally pretty sad about the current state of affairs. on top of everything, i am in debt, i am tired, i am not motivated, and i spent too long eating my feelings and it shows.
HOWEVER
i will be fine :)
i feel better now
we watched her die four times and come back four times and then die a fifth time.
i visited her on friday when we still thought she had time. she bitched about how many blankets they put on her and how she was going to break out of the hospital. she told me that we should knock a piece of ceiling tile down onto her head so that we could sue the hospital and run away with all their money. i helped her drink her juice to keep her mouth moist. i said goodbye, felt strange about it, and then left.
at her funeral, i helped to write the priest's speech. i had to read a passage from the bible, something i did not enjoy, nor did i particularly like accepting the host or saying some of the prayers...i felt like a huge fucking bastard. i did these things to honor my grandma, though. i don't think she would have liked to see me treating her funeral like a silent protest...i still feel bad about doing these things, idk. anyway, i helped to write the speech. i cried especially hard. her funeral was LARGELY composed of my words. little things that i remembered about her. the way i felt about her - i glorified her. my letter to the priest made my dad cry. i don't even think i've ever seen him cry prior to that? idk.
maybe i am becoming more aware of the impact of the situation now because it is easter and she's supposed to come over and bring us candy and cards and money and bitch about the terrible state of the world and all the people in it.
maybe i am becoming more aware of the situation because i, just the other day, realized how old my dad is. he looks old all of a sudden and i don't know when his face changed. maybe it started when aunt mary died or when kevin had heart surgery. either way, his face has changed and i am scared.
my aunt is a pretty serious alcoholic. i don't know when that began, either. she's rubbing off on my dad. she's always passing out in her chair and getting loud and i have to carry her down the stairs to pass out. i'll tell you what i hate most about this, dammit. it's the fact that she comes to MY house to get drunk. she has her own fucking apartment and she chooses to come over here to be belligerent and sloppy and passes out on MY couch and i have to carry her there. one thing i hate most about alcoholism is that you wake up in the morning and you just don't remember how embarrassing you are.
i am feeling generally pretty sad about the current state of affairs. on top of everything, i am in debt, i am tired, i am not motivated, and i spent too long eating my feelings and it shows.
HOWEVER
i will be fine :)
i feel better now