I have nowhere else to post this. LOL LJ!!!!
After I read Twilight when it first came out in order to see what all the fuss was about, I quickly assessed that my assumptions had been correct. It's a poorly written love story that panders to thirteen year old girls who think it's romantic and not entirely creepy and a situation that calls for a restraining order when the girl's boyfriend creeps into her room at night to watch her sleep and disables her vehicle so she can't go anywhere. I thought that 50 Shades would at least have more logical sense intertwined into the story line since it's a series actually written for adults, but honestly though, Twilight was much more palatable than it's literal face-palm inducing offspring. In order to expressly intimate just what is so wrong with this book (and I'm talking about the first one because I haven't read the whole trilogy,) I'm going to break this down into two sections: 1) what I assumed would be horrible and what I was not surprised by and 2) what actually shocked and now enrages me about this book. Alright, let's get down to it.
First of all, I assumed that the writing in this work was going to be sub par. It was first written as Twilight fanfiction and while I haven't read any other Twilight fic, I generally assume Twilight fic writers to be on tier 4. For reference, here are the tiers I've assigned to fanfic I've read, Tier 1 is Star Trek. No one writes fic like Star Trek fans. That shit is well written, well researched, canon compliant and...hot? I've never once watched an episode of Star Trek but I have read a handful of fic involving characters I knew nothing about that still caused me to need a private moment alone. The only other fandom I think that comes close to having fic on tier 1 would be Harry Potter (not that I'm into that either.) Tier 2 comprises of things like Glee, Supernatural, and Jackass...aka the shows you'd be surprised have amazing writers in fandom. Tier 3 is where bandom goes to die. Tier 4 is where I mentally assigned Twilight which hovers only above Tier 5 where One Direction fanfic was sadly relegated after I attempted to read at least 5 stories yesterday and didn't even acquire half a boner, which was devastating if you stop to ponder the truly glorious source material. *cough* Zayn Malik, anyone? *cough*
At this point, I would rather be put in solitary confinement with my only reading material as 1D fic written by literal thirteen year old girls than to pick up the other two books in the 50 Shades trilogy. Suffice to say, the writing is awful. And not just the prose. The editing left a lot to be desired as well unless Lobotin's are some sort of shoe I must have missed the last time I went to look at Louboutin's. (I've never actually gone to look at Louboutin's.)
Anyhow, here are some stunning examples of the prose in this book:
* "I know I’ve never had a boyfriend, and Christian only qualifies as such for ease of reference - but is it so unbelievable that I could attract a man? This man? Yes, frankly - look at him - my subconscious snaps. Oh, shut up! Who invited you to the party?" (I think Ana might actually be schizophrenic.)
* "The beauty of carry-on rucksacks is that one can breeze out of the airport and not wait endlessly for baggage at the carousels. The beauty of traveling first class is that they let you off the plane first." (So glad you took the time to explain air travel. Also glad you set this story in Seattle and didn't at all try to keep your slang compliant.)
* "The receptionist is a young African- American woman with large silver earrings and long straightened hair. She has a bohemian look about her, the sort of woman I could be friendly with." (Oh, so she's a stylish black lady so you can be friendly with her, I see.)
* "There is light everywhere. Bright, warm, piercing light, and I endeavor to keep it at bay for a few more precious minutes. I want to hide, just a few more minutes. But the glare is too strong, and I finally succumb to wakefulness. A glorious Seattle morning greets me - sunshine pouring through the full-height windows and flooding the room with too-bright light. Why didn’t we close the blinds last night?" (I'm confused here...so the room is bright? I don't quite think you're getting your point across here.)
* "It’s only just not painful." (This phrase is used a lot and it still doesn't work.)
* "My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette." (Every time she talked about her inner goddess (and she does it about every other page), I wanted to chuck this book across the room.)
* "Go girl! My inner goddess has her pompoms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode." (KILL. ME.)
* "He seems trés cool about it, Ana. Don’t sweat it." (This is actually how her best friend talks. I remain unconvinced that Kate isn't actually Cher Horowitz.)
* "I’m all rabbit/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake…" (I'm sorry, you're what?)
* "Ana,” he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile." (Can someone provide me with an example pic of a dazzling, toothy, all-HISPANIC-AMERICAN smile, please?!)
* "Dios mio! Ana!” Holy crap, it’s José." (The amount of times the Hispanic character says 'Dios mio' literally made me stomp my feet up and down on my bed going NO NO NO NO NO NO as I thrashed wildly about. Legit every time he enters a scene, he drops a Dios mio!)
Okay, I can't be bothered to get any more examples and put them here because it's making me mad all over again. Suffice to say there is nothing good about this. The grammar, the overuse of ellipsis and question marks where Ana talks at the reader throughout the book, the blatant RACISM. I just can't. Let's move on to the awful sex before I get so mad that I walk away from this.
I had hoped that at least some of the sex would be hot because this was touted as a 'BDSM novel' and as some of you know and now all of you know, I dig BDSM erotica. Let me rephrase that. I dig WELL-WRITTEN and consensual BDSM erotica. I hoped that those scenes would get me through this. Sadly, thanks to the ludicrous manner in which she writes anyway, the sex scenes were laughable instead of hot.
One main issue I have (and I know I'm not alone) is that when we meet Ana, she's a virgin. We later find out she's never masturbated. Ever. Then, during her first sexual encounter with Christian, he makes her come easily just by TOUCHING HER NIPPLES. "His lips close around my other nipple and when he tugs, I nearly convulse. “Let’s see if we can make you come like this,” he whispers, continuing his slow, sensual assault." (P.S. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.) After he then slams into her and ~tears her virginity (I'm not sure that was the actual phrase but it was something just as stupid, I promise you that), she ends up giving her first blowjay where she effortlessly deep throats and swallows without gagging. JESUS. TAKE. THE. WHEEL.
Aside from the startlingly innaccurate depiction of first time sex, (this writer has kids for Christ's sake. You'd think she'd know!) the way she writes the sex is just as horrible. Have some of my favorite choice examples:
* "Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard." (HAHAHA I CANT EVEN.)
* "Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this." (LMAO YOU FUCKING DOUCHE.)
* "My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle." (KILL. ME. PLEASE.)
* "I push even harder and, in a moment of extraordinary confidence, I bare my teeth." ( GURRRL. I DON'T EVEN GIVE BLOWJAYS AND I KNOW YOU DONT BRING OUT THE TEETH.)
* "It tips him over the edge. He cries out and stills, and I can feel warm, salty liquid oozing down my throat." (BC I TOTES LOVE IT WHEN THINGS OOZE DURING SEX!!)
* "Pull your knees up,” he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me." (CAUSE EVERY GIRL WANTS TO BE DEFLOWERED LIKE SHE'S BEEN CAPTURED BY A BARBARIAN.)
When it gets down to the ~BDSM parts of the novel, I really just went MEH. I think he maybe flogs her once, spanks her with his hand once, fucks her on a St. Andrew's cross or something, blah blah blah. Clearly nothing too memorable for me aside from this bizarre scene where he ties her spread eagle to a bed, blindfolds her and puts iPod buds in her ears and fucks her. Ooh. Sensory deprivation. So edgy and sexually liberated, Mr Grey. Speaking of Mr. Grey's, does anyone remember E. Edward Grey from Secretary? What is up with all these weirdo ~Doms in pop culture named Grey who don't do anything safely, sanely, and consensually and what is up with the people who like pain in pop culture always having to have fucked up back stories? Some times I just want it to hurt, okay, and it's not because my dad ~abandoned the home during my formative years or whatever. I don't know man. It's just frustrating when there are only a couple ~popular pieces of pop culture that deal with this lifestyle and they get it so wrong and so innacurately portray things that it's enough to get the general population believing it's accurate. There has got to be a way to write a book or make a film that portrays a BDSM relationship without equating being into D/s with traumatic pasts and back stories.
Now here's the part that actually shocked me. When I read this was a BDSM novel, I assumed it would be something that both parties were into. You know. That it was consensual.
The absolute worst part of 50 Shades of Grey for me though was that Ana Steele is NOT in any way, shape, or form, a sub. She doesn't desire to be one. And what's odd is, Christian Grey makes that observation. He says something about how he thinks she doesn't have a submissive bone in her body and then spends the rest of the book telling her to try and do X, Y, and Z because it's what a sub would do. NO, dude. Just do. You're a Dom? COOL. Go find a SUB. You don't grab a pretty little virgin and try to make her sub for you when it's not at all in her nature! It's not what she needs, desires, or craves. She wants a boyfriend, someone to love her. Sure at some point, she realizes her body responds to some light spanking and having her nipples pulled. Great. I could take an inexperienced person and bring them pleasure from a little pain too but that doesn't mean that person has any business being a sub! Subbing =/= enjoying a little pain. And even though subbing is not something in Ana's nature, she tries things for him that she doesn't want to do. That bothers me in and of itself but then he goes and abandons her after a scene. What the actual fuck?
In a post found here (http://hidingfromsomeone.tumblr.com/post/22270527450/fifty-shades-the-philadelphia-incident-im-not), it states that, "In her novels E L James romanticizes the BDSM community, takes elements of ‘play’ out of context and dramatises what many would consider to be extremely unsafe D/s practice. The female in the story enters into ‘scenes’ which she is unsure about, where limits have not been pre-discussed or agreed, and where she is abandoned post-scene on more than one occasion with no after care or conversation about what had happened during the session." This is a huge issue for me. He leaves her alone at her house after a scene and while she was sobbing herself to sleep due to lack of aftercare, I started to get panicky myself and that's not even an experience I've ever personally had. It just felt so wrong to me even though these are fictional characters. (Another strange point that was made in this essay is: "Finally, I want to reiterate that a huge majority of people in the BDSM community recognise our vulnerability (BDSM is actually illegal in the United States - yes, illegal - I’m fortunate to live in the UK)" Is this legit? I had no idea. WOOPS.)
And now that I've spent all this time writing this, I'm still pissed as hell that this sold for 500 million dollars, that the general public is eating this shit up like it's candy, and that they're making a movie. Am I surprised? No. But I'm pissed. Because if they're going to make a BDSM movie, it should be based on a safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL relationship where the D/s dynamic is something desired by BOTH parties, not just a Dom who happens to want a pretty virgin to sub for him, dammit.
And I know, Derek, I know. TL;DR.
P.S. I haven't read the other two books but I read something about how in the last book, he flogs her pregnant belly. WONDERFUL.
P.P.S. 50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com is amazing and that's where I found this info from book 3:
Christian lies beside me, his hand caressing my belly, is long fingers splayed out wide.
“How’s my daughter?”
“She’s dancing.” I laugh.
“Dancing? Oh yes! Wow. I can feel her.” He grins as Blip Two somersaults inside me.
“I think she likes sex already."
Fifty Shades Freed, Epilog.
Did he just...say...that his fetus...enjoys sex? That his baby...was involved...in the sex they just had?
I'M DONE FOR TODAY, PEOPLE. I'M OUT.