Crossing Fingers

[turps33]

I've been wanting to write Fastlane for a while. But have been having nightmares about dialogue. Notice this snippet has none *g*
I love the idea of this community, so decided to have a try despite my fears. Just be aware it's short, and the first Fastlane I've ever tried.

So we have drinks for Van and Deaq shirtless.

Comments

[ruggerdavey]

He'd wait, and when Van was ready, he'd be there, however long it took.

This is just really great. I can totally see this being the situation. Van is the one who seems to have a girl in every episode. I can see Deaq being ready to settle down, but Van not. Like Deaq, I think that when Van is ready, it'll beperfect, but it may not be that time yet. Keep up the great work.

[turps33]

Thank you!

I've seen so many episodes with Van chasing women, he doesn't seem to have a problem with them coming onto him. And why should he? As the cliche goes he's young free and single...and beautiful *g*

Now Deaq's just that little bit older, he seems ready for a steady relationship. I totally see him as lusting after Van, and willing to wait until he's ready to settle down with one person. I doubt that he would think about sharing, it's all or nothing.

Re:

[ruggerdavey]

Now Deaq's just that little bit older, he seems ready for a steady relationship.

Like the ep with Rosaria. He showed that he was ready to settle down.

I totally see him as lusting after Van, and willing to wait until he's ready to settle down with one person.

Yeah. I see Deaq as being very patient on that front.

I doubt that he would think about sharing, it's all or nothing.

Oh, man. Never. I can't see him ever wanting anyone else to touch Van once he got him. He seems like he would be the jealous-and-angry type, whereas Van (when he gets serious) would just feel hurt and betrayed if he ever thought Deaq were stepping out on him.

[taylor_serenil]

I've got a picture of the game in my head right now, and it's a pretty mental image and definitely worth four drinks.
If I remember canon properly, Deaq's older than Van is (at least it would make sense, since *he's* a detective rather than an officer like Van) so it fits nicely that Deaq would be ready to settle down but Van's still at the "chase every pretty face out there" stage. And I can see Deaq choosing to wait for everything rather than accept a casual relationship.

[turps33]

I'm glad that you could see the game in your head. It's a pretty picture isn't it?

I totally agree, Deaq would wait and not accept a casual relationship. He wants something with a chance of permanence, and if that means waiting, so be it.

Thanks for the comments!

[thedormouse]

Yay! Van Nipples. Even in prose they get me all hot and bothered. ;)

I like it. Your description was great, I could almost feel the muggy sticky heat from here. And I think you got it right on the money as to how Deaq sees Van: really hot insane guy.

[turps33]

Yay! Van Nipples The stuff of dreams I agree.

I'm glad that you liked this, and that the description worked for you.

Yeah, really hot insane guy, that's Van all right lol.

Thanks for the comments!

[zvi_likes_tv]

Your descriptions here are really nice, and even though you did it because you weren't sure you understand their voices, writing a story with no dialogue was groovily experimental.

Your tone and your POV wavered a little. You seem to have a fairly formal narrative voice, but you also wanted to do a tight Deaq point of view, and you flirted with being more colloquial for that. In a larger piece you can go back and forth, making the separation between the narrator and the viewpoint character clearer, but in such a short story, I would pick one and stick to it. And early in the piece, you tell us *why* Billie is doing something. If you do an aside like that, you should make it clearer that it's what your viewpoint character is thinking, not just random authorial knowledge.

Really, though your story is very, um, pretty, very visual and very temperature-oriented, and that's great. Keep that up.

[turps33]

Thanks for the response, especially for taking the time to indicate where I can improve. Looking over the story I can see what you mean in terms of POV and narrative, I'll keep a look out for that in the next challenge.

I appreciate the faults being pointed out. Learning to recognise those faults myself is the only way that I can grow as a writer, and I've a long way to grow *g*

But I'm also glad that you liked some of it, I can deal with writing a pretty story ;)

[dick_grayson]

I totally understand your trouble with dialogue -- I always feel so ridiculous trying to find creative ways to say "said" or "replied" without sounding choppy. I liked how you compensated by focusing on Deaq's inner voice, and I also like this notion of Deaq waiting for Van to come around.

[zvi_likes_tv]

There are two secrets with dialogue tags (ie "he said" or "x replied.")

The first one is that 'x said' is pretty close to invisible to a reader. It makes very little impact, almost like 'a' or 'the'.

The second one is to write so you don't use dialogue tags at all. Unbuckle has maybe 30 lines of dialogue, but I only use two tags in the whole story. You have to be scrupulous about starting a new paragraph with each new speaker, and you: give the speaker an emotion, action, or adjacent to their dialogue; use words or ideas so particular to one character that it can't be mistaken for anyone else's (i.e. only one person on Fastlane can say, "My dad the forger"); or have any responses to the dialogue make clear who said what (i.e., if something is said, and then another character responds, "Deaq, you fool!" it's clear that Deaq was the first person to speak.)

What is intrusive and obnoxious are many non-standard tags. If every character is pontificating or enunciating or mumbling or growling or hissing or imparting every time they open

[turps33]

Yeah dialogue can be a tricky. The way that I see it anyone can do dialogue, it's making it seem natural that's the problem. Stories can seem stilted if you're not careful.

I sorta wimped out by not writing any dialogue, but it was the first Fastlane that I'd tried, so was feeling worried anyway.

I'm glad that you liked it though!

Thanks so much for the comments.