[ Private ] Dear Journal... thank you for listening.
The thoughts have been lingering in my head too long for me to remain sane if I keep it in. I'd talk to someone about it, really, but I have no one but you, Journal. I never realized how alone I really was until this. As you probably know, I have a serious problem with my mom. She cheated on my father and they divorced when I was little. I've always lived with her, because I never knew any better, and she hasn't changed a bit. She's been all over many men, and I'm really surprised that she's been with The Lawyer as long as she has. ... Her way of life really disgusts me and I swore that I'd do whatever I could to not be like her.
Which is why I'm scared now.
The other day, Zaku and I went out on a date and it was fantastic! Karaoke was a great choice for us, I think. He looked so good and the emotions were perfect that afterwards it took all I could to calm my head. I seriously wanted to go as far as I possibly could and it felt like I was driven by pure instinct. Had I not calmed down, I'm worried about how far I would have pushed him... He talks big and acts big, and I know I'm completely head over heels for him, but I don't think either one of us is ready for that next big step.... and would taking that step make me more like the woman I don't want to be anything like?
... I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but I don't really have any girl friends. I can't talk to Zaku, naturally. And then Kidou has been busy with Sai, and I wouldn't feel right talking to him about it anyways. Or Suigetsu. And the one person a girl should always have to talk to... her mother... is the last person I'd want to discuss this with.
Thank you for listening to me, Journal, and hope that everything will be ok for my sake. I hope Zaku doesn't think I've been ignoring his advances when he talks to me at school and walks with me back towards the house... I know I sound like a little girl who has read too many story tales, but I really care about him and hope that things work out for the best. I feel a little better now that I got this out... Don't tell anyone, ok, Journal? ^_~