Quite a lovely story you've written here. I don't know of anyone who can't relate to wanting to be something other than what they are at least once in their lives. It's sad, because she has tremendous power, but doesn't value it because it isn't what she thinks it 'should' be.
I really enjoyed this. And I apologize: I mixed up the closing time of the poll in my head with when I have the edits due and didn't get to vote in time. You would have definitely gotten a vote from me.
dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pausesbardiphoukaMarch 4 2013, 01:15:37 UTC
I have to admit I had trouble with the story, perhaps at least in part because the crows did not feel real to me. Yes, crows can be scavengers, but they are actually omnivores. And in North America at least they are more likely to tend to being herbivores, much to the chagrin of farmers. The dove family, on the other hand, are also scavengers. Watch a pigeon at lunch sometime. Leftover cheeseburger? SLLLAM into it.
And strictly speaking I am not sure you can say they have a flock mentality so much as a social one. Each crow is part of the group but also an individual. Femal crows, as an example, are tool users. And they can judge each other. Hence the other name for a group of crows ...a Parliament.
So it led me to wonder why she should want to be part of something llikle a squab when she is part of one of the more intelligent species in the avian world. Just saying.
I had no difficulty understanding the premise (good). It isn’t long - is just a scene, in fact - which is a shame as this means it has an ‘unfinished’ feel to it. I would have liked to have seen this as a part of a longer piece which helped me to get a better sense of this protagonist’s character and motivations. She clearly doesn’t like her affinity to crows; but why not? She is studying to be a witch - how? why? Let us see some more of this (it sounds interesting).
This story ‘feels’ like a piece relatively quickly written, which you didn’t take the time to polish through editing. My guess is a little editing would have addressed the points noted below.
Minor suggestions:
Jules had previously used this as an excuse as to why she could only manage a crow.
Why winter as a reason for being a crow rather than a dove? That doesn’t make sense to me as both birds are seen year-round.
But, as things go, the more she tried to ignore the memory, the brighter it became against her eyelids.What memory
( ... )
Comments 3
I really enjoyed this. And I apologize: I mixed up the closing time of the poll in my head with when I have the edits due and didn't get to vote in time. You would have definitely gotten a vote from me.
Reply
And strictly speaking I am not sure you can say they have a flock mentality so much as a social one. Each crow is part of the group but also an individual. Femal crows, as an example, are tool users. And they can judge each other. Hence the other name for a group of crows ...a Parliament.
So it led me to wonder why she should want to be part of something llikle a squab when she is part of one of the more intelligent species in the avian world. Just saying.
Reply
I had no difficulty understanding the premise (good). It isn’t long - is just a scene, in fact - which is a shame as this means it has an ‘unfinished’ feel to it. I would have liked to have seen this as a part of a longer piece which helped me to get a better sense of this protagonist’s character and motivations. She clearly doesn’t like her affinity to crows; but why not? She is studying to be a witch - how? why? Let us see some more of this (it sounds interesting).
This story ‘feels’ like a piece relatively quickly written, which you didn’t take the time to polish through editing. My guess is a little editing would have addressed the points noted below.
Minor suggestions:
Jules had previously used this as an excuse as to why she could only manage a crow.
Why winter as a reason for being a crow rather than a dove? That doesn’t make sense to me as both birds are seen year-round.
But, as things go, the more she tried to ignore the memory, the brighter it became against her eyelids.What memory ( ... )
Reply
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