Comments | chuck_the_plant: "Hook, Line, and Sinker" Brigit's Flame, May 2013 week 1 entry

chuck_the_plant

"Hook, Line, and Sinker" Brigit's Flame, May 2013 week 1 entry

Mar 04, 2013 22:16

Title: "Hook, Line, and Sinker."
Brigit's Flame May 2013 week 1 entry
Prompt: Pumpkin
Wordcount/warnings: 1490 words, rated PG (alcohol and tobacco use)
Author: Graham Patrick Smith
The air was thick and smelled terrible. It swirled around his head like thick soup, composed equally of cigar smoke, fried meat, heady body odor, and whiskey.
“You, sir!” ( Read more... )

may, pumpkin, brigit's flame

Comments 3

bluegerl May 7 2013, 10:12:06 UTC

Golly... you had me in there!!! I was all along with the idea he'd do it again ... and then - OH you WICKED man!

I'm a sucker SUCKER for magicians. Can watch with my eyes right ON the cards or coins... and STILL NOT SEE IT!!!

OOOOH lovely lovely thanks ever so. And I hope the wallet was truly truly fat and STUFFED with goodies.

dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses bardiphouka May 13 2013, 23:00:19 UTC

Well written piece, althoug I am not sure what pumpkins have to do with it. And I aolso think it would have carried off much better without the stereotypes. I realise it is a very short piece of fiction, but I do not think you needed someone quite so obvious. I am not even sure you need the descriptions..just a thought.

innana88 May 20 2013, 17:32:58 UTC

I sincerely apologize for this late, late edit.

Overall, I thought it was a very vivid and creative take on the prompt. Nice work!

I very much enjoyed your vivid descriptions. They really helped me to 'see' these characters clearly. Be mindful not to overdo them, though. In lines like this one, for instance, But the pink slug twitched the oiled rat upward into a drunken smile , the descriptions were more distracting than helpful. There can be too much of a good thing ( ... )