I like that you spell 'grey' with an 'e' like I do.
From my personal criticism, there are too many 'like' metaphors (similes, if you want to be 100% grammatically correct) in the first paragraph of this piece. The rest flows well - I was quite caught up in it, though that may be the rum - but the first paragraph was too laden with likenings to be poignant. One is descriptive, two is too much, three is sophomoric.
The rest ... ah. It makes me miss spring rains in Kentucky, and seeing the silver backs of leaves in the wind against a blue-grey sky.
I’ll begin with a line-by-line edit and move on to concrit. Corrections are as follows (empty brackets denote a comma deletion):
-The grey sky outside is still lit by the afternoon sun, though it's filtered through the grey cover like a filthy window. sb: its
- I've always easily fallen for lovers that could[n’t] care less for me.
-Not necessarily those that are outwardly malicious, but undeniably those that were callously indifferent. And the storm is just that. These are both sentence fragments. Also, please take note of these words: necessarily, outwardly, undeniably, callously … a lot of adverbs in one sentence.
- I settle into a chair[ ] and immediately her teasing begins.
- I've always easily fallen for lovers that could[n’t] care less for me[ ] but[ ] for this moment[,] at least, I am satisfied.
There are a lot of similes and metaphors going on in this piece, particularly in the opening paragraphs. I could picks some out, but I think you know where they are, and there
( ... )
Thanks so much for your input! Yeah, the metaphors and similes are sort of overboard... I churched it out one afternoon, appropriately while it was raining outside, and just sort of let my emotions fly. I am glad you enjoyed it, though!
Hi, I'm one of your editors this week. This is a lovely piece. The concept of Nature as lover is often used -- but your approach to her as "callously indifferent" is fresh and new. The visuals are beautiful -- trees like fish, the fields "deep green-golden waves" are two favorites. I particularly love that the protagonist goes to the porch to play guitar in the storm -- I personally connect with this, since I often play flute or drum in covered spaces in all weathers. This is very well done.
Comments 8
From my personal criticism, there are too many 'like' metaphors (similes, if you want to be 100% grammatically correct) in the first paragraph of this piece. The rest flows well - I was quite caught up in it, though that may be the rum - but the first paragraph was too laden with likenings to be poignant. One is descriptive, two is too much, three is sophomoric.
The rest ... ah. It makes me miss spring rains in Kentucky, and seeing the silver backs of leaves in the wind against a blue-grey sky.
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I’ll begin with a line-by-line edit and move on to concrit. Corrections are as follows (empty brackets denote a comma deletion):
-The grey sky outside is still lit by the afternoon sun, though it's filtered through the grey cover like a filthy window. sb: its
- I've always easily fallen for lovers that could[n’t] care less for me.
-Not necessarily those that are outwardly malicious, but undeniably those that were callously indifferent. And the storm is just that. These are both sentence fragments. Also, please take note of these words: necessarily, outwardly, undeniably, callously … a lot of adverbs in one sentence.
- I settle into a chair[ ] and immediately her teasing begins.
- I've always easily fallen for lovers that could[n’t] care less for me[ ] but[ ] for this moment[,] at least, I am satisfied.
There are a lot of similes and metaphors going on in this piece, particularly in the opening paragraphs. I could picks some out, but I think you know where they are, and there ( ... )
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I LOVED it. sort of.... content ... a smooth Happy... serenity.
Bless you. Lovely.
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