Comments | chuck_the_plant: "I Can Explain..."

chuck_the_plant

"I Can Explain..."

May 31, 2013 09:18

Brigit's Flame: May Just for Fun Contest
Prompt: Corona
Title: "I Can Explain...."
Wordcount/warnings: 758 words, rated PG
Author: Graham Patrick Smith

“Fergus! What happened here?!” Fergus heard Father McCollum cry, and the sound of boots on grass quickly approached behind him.

Fergus swallowed nervously and kneaded his hands together. He had ( Read more... )

brigit's flame, dragons

Comments 4

silverflight8 June 5 2013, 04:30:20 UTC

I love that he named the chickens!

And oh, of all the reasons to have stuff burn down, I think a dragon hatchling must be one of the best reasons.

bluegerl June 8 2013, 10:40:02 UTC

Dammit something is silly... telling me javascript is void! HUH.. now I can't post my nice little piccy of a DARLING BABY DRAGON!

What a find... Fergus you LUCKY lad, though you are in for real troubles later... You won't find those chickens??? nnnooooo.

This is delicious Chuck it really is. I'm sorry I didn't write... RL being beastly... but you were so BRAVE... All I could think of was Orangeade... ours is called Corona over here!

Oh dear, oh dear me, Fergus... I think you'll have to own up and get Father McCollum, to help rear him.... but what FUN! and you will never again need matches!!!! Bless you... lovely little picture story. SUPER!

innana88 June 13 2013, 02:45:02 UTC

I think this is my favorite piece I've read of yours!

I really have very few criticisms of this entry. I loved the dialogue. It was very natural and had a wonderful flow to it. The whole rhythm of this story was wonderful! The characters were very believable, nothing over-the-top or cliche. It was far more realistic that the Father was disappointed that the barn was burning, but not shaming or screaming at the boy.

The few tweaks I suggest:

1. It would make more sense for the Father to ask who and what was accounted for before asking what happened. I assumed he knew everyone was okay by his primary concern being about the 'how' rather than whether everyone/thing was okay.

2. I would have the boy hugging his chest or doing something to camouflage that he has a living creature in his coat earlier on in the piece. The end caught me a bit off-guard and not in a good way. Give us a hint that the source of the blaze has something to do with his jacket when the Father first arrives on scene.

3. Make the following edits:

Already ( ... )

chuck_the_plant June 15 2013, 17:20:34 UTC

Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone! I'm glad you all enjoyed it.