Hi, I'm one of your editors this week. This was fanciful & humorous ... I enjoyed reading it. I only have one comment. In the 5th paragraph from the end you have "...stuffed her belongings into her back..." How? Since you are dealing with some strange characters, that may well be true but you haven't indicated how or why that might be true. If it is not true, perhaps insert "pack" after back. I really needed a laugh today, so thank you.
Hey there! I’m stepping in as editor-on-the-fly, so I am not sure what kind of edit you requested for this. I’ll go gentle on you, just in case. If you didn’t want a grammar edit, I apologize in advance. Let’s get started!
-Eyes on the electronic tablet in front of her, Jillian did the math in her head. “So, you’ve been here for… six months now?” two things here: first of all, ellipses require a space both before and after the set of dots. Also, instead of “eyes”, next time try “gaze” or some such. Otherwise it gives one a literal impression of someone’s eyes on something. :)
- He wrung his long, thin fingers together one moment, and then absent-mindedly picked at his eyebrows the next. you can choose either “and” or “then” but both are not necessary. And “absentmindedly” is not a hyphenate.
- “But[ ] I’m sort of holding out that [M]other will change her mind and let me move back in with her.
-Lower lip now trembling, Wesley replied[ ] in what Jillian would later realize was a laughable attempt at a seductive voice, “Are you
( ... )
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-Eyes on the electronic tablet in front of her, Jillian did the math in her head. “So, you’ve been here for… six months now?” two things here: first of all, ellipses require a space both before and after the set of dots. Also, instead of “eyes”, next time try “gaze” or some such. Otherwise it gives one a literal impression of someone’s eyes on something. :)
- He wrung his long, thin fingers together one moment, and then absent-mindedly picked at his eyebrows the next. you can choose either “and” or “then” but both are not necessary. And “absentmindedly” is not a hyphenate.
- “But[ ] I’m sort of holding out that [M]other will change her mind and let me move back in with her.
-Lower lip now trembling, Wesley replied[ ] in what Jillian would later realize was a laughable attempt at a seductive voice, “Are you ( ... )
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