Anecdote:
Today this incredible woman came to speak to my Public Policy class. She's this hardcore deep ecologist lady with such a profound sense of respect for the world around her and for other human beings. She was incredibly inspiring, well-informed, selfless, driven, relentless...it was so refreshing in light of my recent bouts with the possibility of all existence being completely absurd to encounter someone who had such a well-defined sense of purpose and seemed to have this certain knowledge that she was doing something worthwhile and fulfilling with her life. I wanted to be like "TAKE ME WITH YOU" and walk out of the class with her and hear all her ideas and follow her around for the rest of all time. I did not, however, say anything like that or communicate with her in any way, I pretty much just walked out of class and shyly smiled at her on my way out.
I don't know why exactly but I have a really really difficult time feeling comfortable expressing my enthusiasm to people about stuff like that. I feel so overwhelmingly inhibited when it comes to communicating that I feel inspired or passionate about doing things...I'm never able to tell people when they inspire me or when I have a life goal that I'm incredibly dedicated to and excited about. I can't imagine myself explaining to Zach Messitte how completely fascinated and enthralled I was by his class or how much his career blew my mind and made me change my entire sense of future...I doubt he has any idea how enthused I really am about the stuff we talk about. I have this weird sense of feeling extremely vulnerable unless I go through life appearing kind of understated. I don't mean to say introverted, because clearly I am not that. I'm a complete goof in the majority of social situations and I'm not particularly awkward around people I don't know. I don't know how to describe it...I suppose shyness gets close, but it only manifests itself in people or things I have an intense admiration for, as though I'm completely embarassed about my own aspirations in the face of people or situations against which I feel comparatively insignificant.
Back in the day when I was all about majoring in Theatre, performing was just about the only thing I felt joyful enough doing that I thought I could actually make it my life...and I was terrified to express that to anyone in those terms, particularly to other theatre friends, even though I felt relatively confident that I was, at least to some extent, a talented individual. I felt completely retarded and arrogant being like "Yeah I'm gonna try to be an actress" because that seemed so obviously impractical and unlikely and I couldn't stand the thought of people being half-heartedly encouraging while secretly thinking there was no way I'd ever make it that far. I felt like I had to harbor this secret passion and excitement for being onstage without ever appearing as though I cared all that much, without seeming to put my emotions on the line with regard to my [Cliche Phrase Impending] hopes and dreams.
Is that insecurity? I don't know. I've known this particular little aspect about myself for a while now without ever being able to assign a name to it, other than to say it's some sort of defense mechanism against...something. Failure, maybe. Against looking naive.
I truly have no time to be doing this right now...I have three papers due next week and roughly seven minutes to myself this weekend in which to complete them...
I don't know why exactly but I have a really really difficult time feeling comfortable expressing my enthusiasm to people about stuff like that. I feel so overwhelmingly inhibited when it comes to communicating that I feel inspired or passionate about doing things...I'm never able to tell people when they inspire me or when I have a life goal that I'm incredibly dedicated to and excited about. I can't imagine myself explaining to Zach Messitte how completely fascinated and enthralled I was by his class or how much his career blew my mind and made me change my entire sense of future...I doubt he has any idea how enthused I really am about the stuff we talk about. I have this weird sense of feeling extremely vulnerable unless I go through life appearing kind of understated. I don't mean to say introverted, because clearly I am not that. I'm a complete goof in the majority of social situations and I'm not particularly awkward around people I don't know. I don't know how to describe it...I suppose shyness gets close, but it only manifests itself in people or things I have an intense admiration for, as though I'm completely embarassed about my own aspirations in the face of people or situations against which I feel comparatively insignificant.
Back in the day when I was all about majoring in Theatre, performing was just about the only thing I felt joyful enough doing that I thought I could actually make it my life...and I was terrified to express that to anyone in those terms, particularly to other theatre friends, even though I felt relatively confident that I was, at least to some extent, a talented individual. I felt completely retarded and arrogant being like "Yeah I'm gonna try to be an actress" because that seemed so obviously impractical and unlikely and I couldn't stand the thought of people being half-heartedly encouraging while secretly thinking there was no way I'd ever make it that far. I felt like I had to harbor this secret passion and excitement for being onstage without ever appearing as though I cared all that much, without seeming to put my emotions on the line with regard to my [Cliche Phrase Impending] hopes and dreams.
Is that insecurity? I don't know. I've known this particular little aspect about myself for a while now without ever being able to assign a name to it, other than to say it's some sort of defense mechanism against...something. Failure, maybe. Against looking naive.
I truly have no time to be doing this right now...I have three papers due next week and roughly seven minutes to myself this weekend in which to complete them...