holding onto you
Title: holding onto you
Pairing: hakyeon/jaehwan
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,363
Summary: The death was the hardest part to adjust to.
A/N: That wolf!hakyeon au I can't shut up about - this is a set-up for it.
"I must've forgot, you can't trust me,
I'm open a moment and closed when you show,
right before you know it I'm lost at sea." - twenty one pilots, "Holding Onto You"
The death was the hardest part to adjust to, and he never got used to it - no matter how many times he was faced with it, it still stung. The change he had accepted - what had once been the agony of his bones snapping and shifting against his will became a routine - but the darkness that followed was nothing short of terrifying.
They had a cat. She was a tortoiseshell, mostly white but with a flew blotches of brown and black on her face and rump. She was a sweet little thing, never hurt a fly and always trying to sit in their laps. Her impatient mews for breakfast were usually the first thing they heard in the morning while the were still drowsy, not yet having come to their senses.
She was also his first kill.
He didn’t know what happened during the night, but the moments after dawn came and he changed back, naked and sweating and chest heaving, were painfully clear. The first thing he noticed when he changed back was he was kneeling on the hardwood floor, but what stuck out was the pool of blood around his knees - the blood that was also on his hands and under his nails. He started shaking even before he saw the mangled body in front of him, and screwed his eyes shut when he did, but the blood didn’t go away. He could still smell it, he still could feel it sticking to his skin from his face to his chest - he could still taste it on his tongue.
“Hakyeon?” he heard a voice from down the hall. “Are you in here?” It was Jaehwan.
He froze. Jaehwan couldn’t see - it would scare him, he’d run away. When Hakyeon spoke, his voice broke, “Don’t come closer.”
It was supposed to be a warning, but all it did was draw Jaehwan in out of concern. “What’s wrong-” He stopped, and Hakyeon knew he had seen. He waited, waited for the shock, the yelling, the reprimand for things that could have been prevented had he been in the right mind - except he hadn’t.
But the yelling never came. Instead, Jaehwan remained calm, voice steady when he said “I’ll be right back,” and left the room. Hakyeon didn’t move while he was gone, remained kneeling in the middle of the floor, eyes still shut and head hung in shame.
Jaehwan was quick to return, approaching with gentle footsteps. Hakyeon noticed, as Jaehwan held him by the arm and coaxed him to his feet, that his chest and feet were bare - he must have been asleep and woken up upon hearing the commotion.
Hakyeon stumbled as he walked, but Jaehwan caught him, his hands never leaving as he guided him down the hall and into the bathroom. He had drawn a bath and motioned for Hakyeon to get into the tub. He went in, one foot after the other, and the water was warm, at just the temperature he liked.
Jaehwan left the room with the promise of return, and the water was cool by the time he did. As he stood at the edge of the tub, behind the side where Hakyeon rested his head, holding a towel in his hands, Hakyeon could smell the soap and knew he had been cleaning the mess left in the other room. He dampened the towel in the water, wringing it out before squeezing a small amount of soap onto it, and began to run it over Hakyeon’s skin. He was never rough with it, even though Hakyeon wanted him to be - he couldn’t stand being in his own skin at that moment.
The water was a light shade of red by the time Hakyeon was clean, and when he got out Jaehwan was ready and wrapping him up in a towel, telling him to get ready for bed while he cleaned the tub. He did as he was told, dressing in an old white t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants, curling into the blankets, and his hair was still wet when Jaehwan joined him. He opened his arms, and Hakyeon turned over, moving closer so he could be wrapped in them, resting his head on his chest.
Jaehwan only moved once to turn off the bedside lamp, but even in darkness Hakyeon couldn’t sleep. His thoughts wouldn’t stop, and they kept ruminating on what he had seen. “Is there any chance,” he said finally, when he could no longer stand being in his head, “that it wasn’t me?”
Jaehwan was silent for such a stretch that Hakyeon was afraid he had fallen asleep, but then, after deciding that the truth was the best option he answered, “No,” then paused before adding, “No, I don’t think so.” He didn’t apologize - he shouldn’t have anyway, it wasn’t his fault - but Hakyeon could feel his sincerity as he held him tighter. “We can bury her tomorrow morning.”
Hakyeon shifted, trying to get closer even though it was impossible. “Thank you,” he murmured, so softly the sound barely left his lips.
Neither of them slept that night - Hakyeon getting lost in his thoughts and Jaehwan trying to make sure he didn’t drift too far, holding him tighter, peppering him with kisses, or stroking his hair when he became unresponsive.
The sun was just starting to rise when they went out, when Hakyeon could no longer stand being inside his head. The air was chilled, his breath coming out in puffs, and the grass stiff with frost, but he didn’t wear a coat. He found a spot in the middle of the yard and knelt in front of it, starting to claw at the earth with his hands. He heard the back door open and close as Jaehwan came out to join him, but didn’t look up until he felt a piece of fabric being wrapped around his neck. It was Jaehwan’s scarf.
“I know you don’t need it,” he said, “but it makes me feel better.” There was a bundle of weight in his arms wrapped in a white cloth and he placed it on the ground near where the other was digging, but when Hakyeon reached out for it out of curiosity he warned him not to open it, and Hakyeon obeyed, withdrawing.
Hakyeon was too preoccupied with what he was doing that he didn’t realize Jaehwan left, but he noticed when he returned. He was holding out a shovel, which Hakyeon stared at for a moment before taking it with obvious reluctance.
When the bundle was in the ground, Jaehwan helped him cover it up, using his hands to shift the displaced dirt back into place. They didn’t mark the grave, knowing that even after the grass grew back to cover it they would never forget its location.
They washed their hands immediately after returning indoors, and Jaehwan was sniffling, nose red and running from the cold. “I’m sorry,” Hakyeon muttered, “I should have given your scarf back.”
He shook his head. “It’s fine, I wouldn’t have taken it.”
They returned to bed after, Jaehwan’s coat discarded somewhere on the floor. Hakyeon was facing away from him, but he wrapped his arms around him anyway, sighing contentedly, “You’re warm,” to which Hakyeon hummed in agreement.
It was in between states of unconsciousness, with Jaehwan’s face buried in the crook of his neck, that Hakyeon finally voiced his thoughts. “You’re not afraid?”
“Hm?” Jaehwan lifted his head to look at Hakyeon’s face. “No, why should I be?”
“You saw what I did.”
He pressed a kiss to Hakyeon’s cheek. “I’ll be okay. You love me.”
This wasn’t the answer Hakyeon wanted, and he turned his head away, talking into the pillow, “I loved her, too. That didn’t stop me.”
Jaehwan shook his head. “You won’t hurt me.”
Hakyeon couldn’t help but comment that that sounded a lot like what owners of wild animals said before getting mauled.
“You’re not a wild animal,” Jaehwan said.
Hakyeon didn’t believe it, as much as he wanted to, but Jaehwan sounded so certain and had so much blind faith that it warmed his heart - something he hadn’t been aware was still beating.
Pairing: hakyeon/jaehwan
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,363
Summary: The death was the hardest part to adjust to.
A/N: That wolf!hakyeon au I can't shut up about - this is a set-up for it.
"I must've forgot, you can't trust me,
I'm open a moment and closed when you show,
right before you know it I'm lost at sea." - twenty one pilots, "Holding Onto You"
The death was the hardest part to adjust to, and he never got used to it - no matter how many times he was faced with it, it still stung. The change he had accepted - what had once been the agony of his bones snapping and shifting against his will became a routine - but the darkness that followed was nothing short of terrifying.
They had a cat. She was a tortoiseshell, mostly white but with a flew blotches of brown and black on her face and rump. She was a sweet little thing, never hurt a fly and always trying to sit in their laps. Her impatient mews for breakfast were usually the first thing they heard in the morning while the were still drowsy, not yet having come to their senses.
She was also his first kill.
He didn’t know what happened during the night, but the moments after dawn came and he changed back, naked and sweating and chest heaving, were painfully clear. The first thing he noticed when he changed back was he was kneeling on the hardwood floor, but what stuck out was the pool of blood around his knees - the blood that was also on his hands and under his nails. He started shaking even before he saw the mangled body in front of him, and screwed his eyes shut when he did, but the blood didn’t go away. He could still smell it, he still could feel it sticking to his skin from his face to his chest - he could still taste it on his tongue.
“Hakyeon?” he heard a voice from down the hall. “Are you in here?” It was Jaehwan.
He froze. Jaehwan couldn’t see - it would scare him, he’d run away. When Hakyeon spoke, his voice broke, “Don’t come closer.”
It was supposed to be a warning, but all it did was draw Jaehwan in out of concern. “What’s wrong-” He stopped, and Hakyeon knew he had seen. He waited, waited for the shock, the yelling, the reprimand for things that could have been prevented had he been in the right mind - except he hadn’t.
But the yelling never came. Instead, Jaehwan remained calm, voice steady when he said “I’ll be right back,” and left the room. Hakyeon didn’t move while he was gone, remained kneeling in the middle of the floor, eyes still shut and head hung in shame.
Jaehwan was quick to return, approaching with gentle footsteps. Hakyeon noticed, as Jaehwan held him by the arm and coaxed him to his feet, that his chest and feet were bare - he must have been asleep and woken up upon hearing the commotion.
Hakyeon stumbled as he walked, but Jaehwan caught him, his hands never leaving as he guided him down the hall and into the bathroom. He had drawn a bath and motioned for Hakyeon to get into the tub. He went in, one foot after the other, and the water was warm, at just the temperature he liked.
Jaehwan left the room with the promise of return, and the water was cool by the time he did. As he stood at the edge of the tub, behind the side where Hakyeon rested his head, holding a towel in his hands, Hakyeon could smell the soap and knew he had been cleaning the mess left in the other room. He dampened the towel in the water, wringing it out before squeezing a small amount of soap onto it, and began to run it over Hakyeon’s skin. He was never rough with it, even though Hakyeon wanted him to be - he couldn’t stand being in his own skin at that moment.
The water was a light shade of red by the time Hakyeon was clean, and when he got out Jaehwan was ready and wrapping him up in a towel, telling him to get ready for bed while he cleaned the tub. He did as he was told, dressing in an old white t-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants, curling into the blankets, and his hair was still wet when Jaehwan joined him. He opened his arms, and Hakyeon turned over, moving closer so he could be wrapped in them, resting his head on his chest.
Jaehwan only moved once to turn off the bedside lamp, but even in darkness Hakyeon couldn’t sleep. His thoughts wouldn’t stop, and they kept ruminating on what he had seen. “Is there any chance,” he said finally, when he could no longer stand being in his head, “that it wasn’t me?”
Jaehwan was silent for such a stretch that Hakyeon was afraid he had fallen asleep, but then, after deciding that the truth was the best option he answered, “No,” then paused before adding, “No, I don’t think so.” He didn’t apologize - he shouldn’t have anyway, it wasn’t his fault - but Hakyeon could feel his sincerity as he held him tighter. “We can bury her tomorrow morning.”
Hakyeon shifted, trying to get closer even though it was impossible. “Thank you,” he murmured, so softly the sound barely left his lips.
Neither of them slept that night - Hakyeon getting lost in his thoughts and Jaehwan trying to make sure he didn’t drift too far, holding him tighter, peppering him with kisses, or stroking his hair when he became unresponsive.
The sun was just starting to rise when they went out, when Hakyeon could no longer stand being inside his head. The air was chilled, his breath coming out in puffs, and the grass stiff with frost, but he didn’t wear a coat. He found a spot in the middle of the yard and knelt in front of it, starting to claw at the earth with his hands. He heard the back door open and close as Jaehwan came out to join him, but didn’t look up until he felt a piece of fabric being wrapped around his neck. It was Jaehwan’s scarf.
“I know you don’t need it,” he said, “but it makes me feel better.” There was a bundle of weight in his arms wrapped in a white cloth and he placed it on the ground near where the other was digging, but when Hakyeon reached out for it out of curiosity he warned him not to open it, and Hakyeon obeyed, withdrawing.
Hakyeon was too preoccupied with what he was doing that he didn’t realize Jaehwan left, but he noticed when he returned. He was holding out a shovel, which Hakyeon stared at for a moment before taking it with obvious reluctance.
When the bundle was in the ground, Jaehwan helped him cover it up, using his hands to shift the displaced dirt back into place. They didn’t mark the grave, knowing that even after the grass grew back to cover it they would never forget its location.
They washed their hands immediately after returning indoors, and Jaehwan was sniffling, nose red and running from the cold. “I’m sorry,” Hakyeon muttered, “I should have given your scarf back.”
He shook his head. “It’s fine, I wouldn’t have taken it.”
They returned to bed after, Jaehwan’s coat discarded somewhere on the floor. Hakyeon was facing away from him, but he wrapped his arms around him anyway, sighing contentedly, “You’re warm,” to which Hakyeon hummed in agreement.
It was in between states of unconsciousness, with Jaehwan’s face buried in the crook of his neck, that Hakyeon finally voiced his thoughts. “You’re not afraid?”
“Hm?” Jaehwan lifted his head to look at Hakyeon’s face. “No, why should I be?”
“You saw what I did.”
He pressed a kiss to Hakyeon’s cheek. “I’ll be okay. You love me.”
This wasn’t the answer Hakyeon wanted, and he turned his head away, talking into the pillow, “I loved her, too. That didn’t stop me.”
Jaehwan shook his head. “You won’t hurt me.”
Hakyeon couldn’t help but comment that that sounded a lot like what owners of wild animals said before getting mauled.
“You’re not a wild animal,” Jaehwan said.
Hakyeon didn’t believe it, as much as he wanted to, but Jaehwan sounded so certain and had so much blind faith that it warmed his heart - something he hadn’t been aware was still beating.