I'm Thinking of Ending Things
This isn't working anymore. I've been at my last scrap of patience and running on empty for over a year now. You've betrayed my trust time and time again, and you refused to go to therapy
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This was a draft from over a year ago at least. How do I know? Because I broke up with Kevin about a year and a month ago. I wish when it would recover a saved draft, it would put the date it was created.
My life got flipped upside down during that time. It didn't feel devastating, just that things were different, and I was okay with that. Kevin was a dumbass and lied to me during our relationship, probably to his friends about our relationship too. Then he got himself addicted to his adderall. I was willing to work things out because he was going through therapy, but that was a lie too. When I dropped him off at his friends place I wasn't sad or anything, I was relieved. I buckled down on survival, and that was that.
What else happened? My best friend of 10 years, Jasic talked to a mutual friend not to get close to me after the breakup because I needed support, but Jasic ended up confessing to me he's been in love with me for two years 3 months after I broke up with Kevin. That was a mess because I had the impression that our relationship was just friendship, and if I had known he had feelings, we would have put the appropriate boundaries in place. When I tried to talk to him about it, he just said there's nothing to talk about because he locked his feelings up and threw them away so we can continue our friendship. Well, I can't trust that. And things are too weird to continue so I stopped talking to him. It was weird not having someone who was always available whenever I wanted to talk to someone, but it didn't feel like a big loss either.
Right now though? A year or so after the breakup, I'm happy. I didn't think I would ever feel this amount of bliss considering I have had so much self-hatred as a child and an adult, but life is good. I'm almost 34, and I've been working on myself through therapy and other outlets for over 3 years. I'm more confident in my choices and boundaries now, and I'm unwilling to make myself smaller to appease other people.
I know I've said I would update this more in the past, but writing has always been really freeing for me, and I think it would help my terrible anxiety. I have some watercolor paint being delivered today, and I'm excited to use them when they arrive. I'll write back soon