Nice Hands, Wanna Frag?
For flesh_and_steel's Valentine's challenge, though I'm not sure it quite fits the bill. It kinda took on a life of its own, lol.
Oh, and for the sake of this piece, I'm retconning Alex's remark in the Sparks epilogue about her and Optimus being around each other for the last twenty years. It's more like 5 or 10.
Title: Nice Hands, Wanna Frag?
Part: 1/3
Rating: mild M
Warnings: Xeno? Cursing? Nothing too graphic
Setting: Sparks 'verse, which is AU 2007 'verse
Pairings/Characters: OFC Alex/Megatron, Ratchet, Barricade, Optimus, mentions of others
Summary: There were numerous reasons, not all of them involving fearing for her physical safety, that Optimus dreaded Alex and Megatron meeting. This had never been one of them. But it really, really should have been.
Words Used: battery, pink bunny, barbecue, condom, glasses
Notes: The first part of a trilogy of Sparks-AU bits, with the next parts being Fred the Martian and In Defense of Megatron's Honour
---
"I get the whole adaptation thing. It's what you guys do," Alex said irritably as she nursed a beer. "But seriously, there's some things you, as an alien culture, do not need to pick up from us humans." Sitting at the mech-sized portion of the table, Barricade snickered into his high grade. Alex gave him an annoyed look. "Seriously. Our holidays are empty even to most of us. You don't even get most of the cultural significance behind them, don't have the excuse of tradition - so why the frag should you celebrate them?"
"Because Prime thinks it makes us seem more 'approachable'?" Ratchet grumbled irritably from opposite Barricade.
"It makes you look like soft-sparked idiots," Barricade replied, smirking.
"Yeah, try telling him that."
"Did that. He suggested that I was just grumpy because I didn't have someone to spend the day with. Fragger," Alex said, glaring at where Optimus sat, his entire attention focused on Elita, and hers on him. "Which is another irritating thing, cuz I get enough from my sister about how I should find a guy that isn't a giant robot, and how much happier I'll be when I do. But you know what? I'm happy now. So screw that!" Alex concluded her mini-rant by downing the last of her beer.
"Here here," Ratchet agreed whole-heartedly as Alex dug around in the cooler by her side, looking for a new bottle of beer.
"That's why it's awesome being a Decepticon," Barricade said, smirk still firmly in place. Alex was convinced he joined her and the medic simply because of how amusing their conversation was to him. "No pressure to settle down or form bonds, because all that slag does is make you weak."
"I'd argue that," Ratchet grunted, glancing over towards Ironhide and Chromia. Barricade shuddered, smirk slipping. "But I don't think everyone needs to settle down. It's a personal choice. Most glitch-faced fools in love can't seem to understand that, though."
"They want you to 'share their happiness'," Alex said with massive air quotes as she gave up on digging through the cooler. "I'm getting kinda sick and tired of putting up with that though. I mean, when was the last time I subjected any of them to my happiness in being single when they had a heartbreak or sparkbreak or whatever? Never! I mean frag, it's considered callous to go 'hey, being single is fun!' if someone's having a fight. But is it bad for them to go 'having a significant other is so much better!' when you're moping around being miserable while single? No. It's them trying to 'help.' Also, I'm out of beer. We need to fix this."
"You had a 24 pack in there," Ratchet said with a frown.
"And I started in on it right after noon, Ratchet. It's now seven o'clock. I'm out," Alex said patiently.
"Then you've had enough," Ratchet retorted.
"Oh no way in hell do you get to cut me off, mister!" Alex said irritably. "How many cubes of high grade have you had today?"
"Three," Barricade supplied helpfully.
"You're on your fourth," the medic growled, glaring at the Decepticon. "Which with your tolerance, means you're pretty much gone already."
"And?" Barricade drawled. Ratchet frowned. Any reply he might have made was cut off by the arrival of a large mech at their table, holding not only three more cubes of high grade - Barricade and Ratchet's current cubes being low - but another 24 pack of beer as well. Ratchet frowned suspiciously at the last one as the new arrival calmly handed the beer to Alex and settled himself next to Barricade, the black and white mech hastily shuffling over to make room. Alex arched an eyebrow as she looked down at the beer, then up at their new table companion.
"Is it going to explode or something?" she asked, and Megatron snorted.
"You're hardly worth the effort, meatsack."
"And the Allspark wouldn't let you, anyways?" Ratchet said mockingly. The other mech snarled wordlessly in response, and Ratchet smirked. Another arrival had them all looking up again, and Alex rolled her eyes as she saw Optimus standing there, a hard expression in place.
"No, there isn't a problem. Yes, he's out of his corner and still drinking himself into oblivion. No, it doesn't concern you. Yes, you should go back to making gooey optics at Elita," the human woman said as soon as Optimus opened his mouth. The Prime frowned at her. "Do you want me to make a big sign for this table, 'SINGLES ONLY'? Shoo. Git. Scat. Vamoose. Or I'll see just how much pull I still have over the Allspark and get Megsy here to kick your aft." There was a low growl from the former Decepticon leader, but Alex ignored him as she stared down Optimus. The Prime gave in after a few moments, and with one last warning glance towards Megatron, headed back to Elita. Around them, the low murmuring conversations in the bar started to pick up again, though many of them now glanced their way from time to time.
"Afthead. Ordering me to stick around," Ratchet glowered, glaring after his Prime.
"Paranoid, much?" Barricade said with a snicker, then promptly sobered and went back to sipping his high grade as he remembered who was sitting next to him. Though he was trapped in the Allspark Valley, unable to effectively lead the Decepticons or cause violence of any kind, Megatron was still imposing, and everyone knew just what he could and would do if he ever got out of the Valley again.
"You'd think he'd trust the Allspark, at least," Megatron said irritably.
"You know Optimus, doesn't draw a line between not mentioning something and outright lying," Ratchet grumbled.
"He actually tried to be mad at me for not mentioning that you were still alive," Alex put in with a snort. "I fixed that in short order."
"How, exactly?" Megatron drawled. "I never did quite figure out how to get him out of his righteous snits." Alex fought back surprise over the former Decepticon leader actually asking her a question, but then, he'd been pretty much drinking himself stupid for the past few weeks, so she figured that had probably made him more charitable towards those around him. Or he was just too overcharged to care. Megatron seemed to turn into Optimus on a bad day when he was overcharged. Which was kind of hilarious, and someday Alex would point it out to Optimus.
"I threatened to get a recording of Beth and Cliffy and leave it playing somewhere in his internals that he couldn't reach without help," she answered.
"...you threatened him with porn?" Ratchet said with a snort of laughter.
"Porn of one of his subordinates and my sister, who he sees as family," Alex said smugly. Barricade shuddered.
"It still traumatizes me to think of how that might work. Small hands getting into sensitive parts - urg. I might need to purge," the enforcer grumbled.
"What, like you've never lusted over a medic or a minibot?" Ratchet said with a roll of his optics.
"That's different!" Barricade argued. "You're mechanoid, squishies are...organic and gross."
"Considering the extremely low risk of cross-contamination of viruses and infections between different base life forms, you'd actually be safer with a 'squishy' than with a mechanoid," Ratchet countered.
"Also, who said anything about Ratchet?" Alex drawled, an amused smirk on her face as she caught the phrasing no one else, not even Barricade, had.
"What?" the enforcer asking, twitching.
"Ratchet said a medic or minibot - you specifically referred to him in your response," Alex said brightly, smirk widening into a grin.
"I did not," Barricade replied after a beat.
"You did too," Alex countered, grin widening further.
"Slag you, squishy," Barricade growled with a glare.
"You know, being mean to a human isn't the way to get in my good graces, Barricade," Ratchet commented, optics glinting mischievously.
"Oh frag you," Barricade snapped.
"Well at least he's being honest about his desires now," Ratchet replied, grinning wickedly. The enforcer glared at him and didn't respond, taking a long drink of his high grade instead - only to make a noise of complaint as it got snatched out of his hand. The glare that threatened to follow was stopped when he realized Megatron had snatched it away. And finished it in one large gulp. Alex glanced at the Decepticon, and found that he'd already emptied the cube he came with.
"You might wanna slow down there," she commented.
"If you think I'd be over here with a meatsack and an Autobot without being anything less than completely overcharged, your processor power is even more limited than I originally thought," Megatron replied with a sneer.
"Actually, I figured you were already pretty overcharged to bring me beer - thanks for that by the way - I just didn't think you'd keep drinking. Thought maybe you'd recognize that you should sober up if you were deciding me and Ratch were good company," Alex said with a shrug.
"Even your primitive self doesn't want to be sober around all these love-sick fools. Why would I want to be?" Megatron growled, sending a glare Barricade's way. The enforcer scowled - down at the table.
"You have a point," Alex admitted. "Maybe we really should make a 'singles only' sign for our table."
"Some of the glitches would probably take it as an invitation," Ratchet said with a snort. "'Here sit singles for you to hit up for threesomes.' Frag that."
"I dunno, I mean, Megsy here might scare 'em off," Alex mused.
"I do not care to have my designation shortened, human, least of all by you," the large mech snarled in response.
"Dude, it's your fault for bringing me beer," Alex replied calmly. "I'd probably mangle your full name right now. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue." Megatron sneered at her in response, then got up. Alex wondered briefly if he'd decided they weren't worth hanging around after all, but then she realized he was just heading to the energon dispenser. Most of the Cybertronians in the bar turned to watch him as he went.
Alex's attention was pulled back to the table as Barricade said something over her head to Ratchet, in Cybertronian. The medic arched an optic ridge, replied in the same language, and Barricade hunched his shoulders. When Megatron returned, before he could sit down, the enforcer suddenly slid out of the booth and stomped out. The former Decepticon leader frowned after him, then shrugged and put two of the cubes he'd brought back in front of himself, giving the third to Ratchet.
"Do I wanna know?" Alex asked after they all sat and sipped their beverages of choice for a few moments.
"I don't think he quite appreciated the spirit of our griping," Ratchet drawled. Megatron actually barked out a laugh at that.
"That fool always has been overly sentimental, no matter what he says."
"Well good riddance to bad singles, then," Alex said, toasting with her beer before taking a large drink. That happened to empty the bottle, so she added it to the steadily-growing collection that she'd decided to pull out of the cooler for ease of full-beer-finding, then pulled a new beer out of the cooler.
"I might have accepted if he'd gone with the whole 'medic's hands' thing, but apparently since I'm an Autobot, I need romantic slag," Ratchet said irritably.
"What, you mean if he'd asked if you wanted to get your hands all over his internals?" Megatron drawled.
"I was thinking more of 'I like your hands, wanna frag?'" Ratchet retorted.
"Direct and to the point - something Barricade has never been," Megatron said with a sneer. "That's always the problem with scouts and spies. They don't know how to be direct."
"Yeah well, I'm a medic - I need to be direct," Ratchet said tartly. "If I don't go directly to the issue, mechs die."
"And if I don't, then the fraggers are left alive and twitching so they can trip me," the Decepticon Warlord added with a nasty smirk.
"Remind me to reformat you into a coffee machine when you eventually pass out."
"Isn't a toaster your usual threat?"
"A coffee machine produces a purely recreational beverage that gives many humans pleasure, as opposed to a toaster that just produces food to sustain them."
"But if you're just going for providing pleasure to humans, why a coffee machine? Why not just go all the way and reformat him into a dildo?" Ratchet's optics brightened, and he grinned over at Megatron, who had gone still for a moment as he obviously looked it up.
"Eurgh!" They could both tell the moment he found out, and started laughing.
"He wouldn't even need batteries!" Ratchet got out between snickers.
"Frag you," the former Decepticon leader snarled, but the medic just laughed harder, while Alex immediately perked up at his word choice.
"Not you, too," she said with a grin, and there was a beat of silence as the mechs realized what she meant. They both gave her a disgusted look, and with a lecherous grin at Megatron, she couldn't help but add, "Unless you want to try out Ratchet's theory that human hands wouldn't be that much different than a medic's." Megatron snarled angrily at her, then promptly downed the remaining half of his current cube of high grade.
"You have a demented mind," Ratchet told Alex, then followed Megatron's example and downed the rest of his cube. He then snatched the extra one from Megatron, who snarled and tried to grab it back. The medic downed that one, too, flicking his fingers Megatron's way in what Alex had learned over the years was the Cybertronian equivalent of sticking his tongue out at the other mech.
"Fragger," Megatron growled.
"You've both had far more than me. I'm just catching up," Ratchet retorted.
"Weren't you trying to cut me off awhile ago?" Alex asked.
"That was before the bane of my med bay joined us," Ratchet answered patiently. "Now I need more to deal with him." Alex nodded sagely in understanding, while Megatron smirked, clearly proud of being the bane of the medic's med bay.
"Huh. Point," Alex mused. "Speaking of which, you're now out, and I'm feeling the need for something stronger than beer."
"Just because I brought you more intoxicants once, meatsack, doesn't mean I'll do it again," Megatron sneered.
"Frag no, you grabbed the last two rounds, it's Ratchet's turn!" Alex said, and gave the medic a sickeningly sweet smile.
"Except Optimus ordered me to stay right here and not leave you two alone," Ratchet drawled.
"Oh really?" Alex arched an eyebrow and looked over to Megatron with a speculative look, realizing there might be more to Optimus keeping her away from the Decepticon than just protection. "Have a bunch of embarrassing stories on him, do we?"
"We grew up together," Megatron said with a distinctly evil chuckle. "You have no idea."
"Tell! Telltelltell!" Alex said gleefully, then turned to Ratchet. "You - more booze. I'll handle Optimus if he notices." The medic contemplated that for a moment, then with a last look at the mostly mischievous glint in Megatron's optics, he shrugged and got up, heading to get them refills. By the time he got back with more high-grade and a box containing the fixings for quite a few Jack and Cokes, Megatron was well into a story about Optimus's childhood pet, which had apparently looked a bit like a pink Cybertronian bunny. It was more equivalent to a cobra in regards to danger, however, moving at lightning-fast speeds and having a deadly, venomous bite. The thing never actually bit Optimus, and the poor little Prime-to-be hadn't understood why everyone else was absolutely terrified of it. Apparently he'd sulked for months after Megatron's predecessor had put his foot down and taken the pet away.
"The best part was what he called it," Megatron said with a smirk, then said something in Cybertronian. Alex looked over to Ratchet curiously.
"Loosely translated - contraceptive," the medic said with a snort of laughter.
"Optimus named his deadly bunny 'Condom'?" Alex asked as she giggled. "Why?"
"Apparently he heard a pair of guards talking and heard the word, but had no idea what it meant because he didn't have interface protocols yet. He just thought it sounded like a good pet name," Megatron said with a snicker. "Which was part of the reason I refused to make him get rid of it. I knew how deadly it was, but it never made any move to bite him, and it was worth it to see the looks on everyone else's faces when they realized first what it was, and then what he'd named it."
"Still slagging dangerous for him to have, though," Ratchet said with a frown. Megatron shrugged.
"I was at the 'resenting my destiny' phase," he drawled, and Ratchet nodded, like he completely understood.
"Did Optimus go through one of those?" Alex asked curiously, arching an eyebrow, and Megatron's face lit up with an evil grin.
"Did he ever," the Decepticon purred, and Alex giggled gleefully. This was turning out to be the best night ever.
It was hours, and much booze and high grade, later when Alex recovered from laughing over Megatron's latest embarrassing Optimus story, looked out into the bar, and realized they were the last ones there.
"Where did ev'rybody go?" she asked, making a good impression of someone badly in need of glasses as she squinted into the dimmed bar, as if there was an explanation for everyone's absence out there.
"Probably to berths," Ratchet said, making a disgusted face. "Or a convenientilily private part of that new crystal garden, if they're Prowl an' Jazz."
"Dude has a fetish for those crystals, I swear," Alex muttered.
"There always were strange rumours about Praxans an' their crystals," Megatron said with a snicker. Over the evening, the former Decepticon leader had slouched ever lower in his seat, so that by now his optic level was about equal with Alex's, and his feet were up on the seat opposite, trapping Ratchet in the booth. The medic had retaliated by turning sideways in the booth, draping him own legs over Megatron's feet. Alex herself was sprawled on the table, occasionally turning this way or that to pay attention to one of the mechs in particular - or to look out into the bar, as had recently happened.
"Like what? They have ports to stick 'em in or somethin'?" the human asked, giggling at the thought.
"Vibrations an' doorwings, but I heard a few with ports'n'orgies," Megatron replied, still snickering.
"Most of those rumours weren't even medically possible."
"Doesn't make 'em any less funny," Megatron declared, gesturing wildly with a cube of high grade before taking a long drink of it.
"We should sneak out to the crystals all sneaky-like an' find out if any of 'em were true," Alex suggested. Megatron looked thoughtful, but Ratchet negated the idea.
"Jazz is head of Special Ops. We couldn't sneak up on him while we were sober, let alone now."
"Maybe he'll feel like puttin' on a show?" Alex suggested.
"Isn't that the opposite idea of this whole fraggin' hearts an' flowers holiday thing you meatsacks celebrate?"
"Well, depends what you're into. I mean, if the two'a them like putting on a show - which, let's be honest, recent evidence says they do..."
"I'm not tromping out there to peek at Prowl an' Jazz crossing circuits," Ratchet declared hotly, and Alex and Megatron both sniggered. "It's gonna be bad enough listening to all of them in quarters."
"Ooooh, good point - there ought to be plenty of embarrassing stuff we could record in there!" Alex said, perking up.
"Why are you suddenly so fascinated with being a voyeur?!" Ratchet demanded. "I seem to remember starting this little table because we wanted to avoid all the sentimental goop!"
"There's a different between avoiding Valentine's Day and getting blackmail material," Alex said with as much dignity as a completely plastered trucker could manage. Which wasn't much at all, but neither mech seemed to notice. "Besides, basic biology - drunk humans tend to get horny when presented with discussion of sexy things, and robots getting it on is still someone getting it on, and that is therefore sexy."
"That's not biology, that's psychology," Ratchet retorted.
"It's the truth," Alex replied, raising a hand and pointing into the air as it making an important point.
"Whatever it is, I'm too overcharged to deal with it," the medic grunted. "I think it's time to go pass out in my quarters."
"Didn't Prime order you to stay here?" Megatron drawled as Ratchet climbed his way over the larger mech's feet. Megatron just watched the whole thing absently, not moving an inch to help. Ratchet, for his part, seemed to need all of his concentration for what would normally be a rather simple maneuver, and even then ended up falling flat on his aft once he was out of the booth. Only once he'd stood and brushed himself off did he decide to answer.
"Prime is not here, and frankly you're about as harmless as a kitten right now anyways, so I'm going to recharge," the medic said with an emphatic nod, then headed off - weaving only slightly as he went. There was a vast silence after he left as Alex and Megatron considered each other.
"Sooo...here we sit...well. Slouch. Lay. Whatever," Alex said after a time. "The squishy and the squisher." She giggled.
"I never squish. I blast into itty bitty pieces," Megatron countered.
"But you still do it."
"Would still. Can't. Fragging Allspark."
"I know, right?! I mean, I was just doing perfectly fine, living my life, and then it comes along and wrecks everything and then there's this - this valley and everybody arriving and then suddenly my best friend's fragging wife shows up and do you know how much un-fun that is?" There was another moment of silence. "It's annoying to be one of the few single people you know. I mean, screw 'em all, I'm glad I'm single, but when everyone's all lovey-dovey around you they do give you ideas every once and awhile, only unlike them, you have no one to try out those ideas with." Megatron snorted.
"Tell me about it. My Decepticons loved to pretend they're all tough, but I had a fraggin' telepathic head of special ops. I knew the slagging drama they pulled. Which was only made worse by Starscream and his fragging trinebond. You'd think after the three of them had been bonded so long they could keep their hands off each other after a mission, but noooooo! I had to give up on havin' any sort of meeting right after a mission, because I was sick and slagging tired of watching them blatantly grope each other!"
"Should've asked to join in, that might've stopped 'em," Alex said with a snort.
"As if. They made off with Soundwave one time. Fragger." Megatron glowered.
"So then why didn't you ask to join them?" Alex asked curiously. "If they're so worked up that they're groping in front of you, the interfacing must've been pretty spectacular."
"I don't interface with subordinates," the mech sneered. Alex blinked as she thought about that.
"What about Autobots?" The look he gave her clearly showed how his already low opinion of her had just dropped even further. "I think you kinda backed yourself into a corner for interfacing partners there, Megsy."
"I know." The mech sounded distinctly morose. Alex looked up at the ceiling.
"All the men I know are either married or giant robots. Or both," she offered after a moment.
"There's how many of you meatsacks on this planet now? Seven billion? Go find someone." Megatron was entirely unsympathetic.
"Yeah, right, at almost 40? I think I'd count as a cougar now," Alex said with disgust. "And I'm really not into the hitting on young guys thing. Even if it was just for sex, I'd like to be able to respect myself in the morning."
"You're just being picky," Megatron sneered.
"And you're not? Half your race wants to kill you, and the other half you've decided you don't want to interface with!" Alex argued. "Who exactly does that leave?!"
"Aliens?" Megatron said after a moment of pondering. Alex smirked, about to make the obvious joke, and then her drunken mind made her pause, and she turned a considering eye over to the large mech. He caught her gaze and looked back with a frown. Understanding lit his face, and he snarled at her in a wordless refusal.
"What?! We both have a lack of potential partners, neither of us has gotten laid in fraggin' forever, and we're intoxicated enough that we can blame it on that tomorrow!" the human protested hotly.
"Because it's disgusting -" Megatron cut himself off, considering. Alex frowned at him, unsure if she liked the calculating expression he now had.
"What are you thinking?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm trying to figure out if being able to taunt Optimus about it would be worth sullying myself with an organic."
"Hey!"
"Like you wouldn't take backlash from doing this with me?" Megatron sneered.
"Well yeah, but -" Alex paused. "Yeah I can't think of a but. This is a spectacularly bad idea all around."
"Definitely," the Decepticon agreed. There was a long silence.
"Nice hands, wanna frag?"
Megatron snickered.
"How?" The obvious question, that probably should have been first before they even thought about whether or not they wanted to.
"Slag, should've asked Beth about how she and Cliffy do it," Alex said irritably. "I mean, you overload when you interface, right? So wouldn't that barbecue a human?"
"The charge isn't that strong," Megatron frowned, then reached out and poked Alex with one long, clawed finger. A tingle shot through it and into Alex's body, and she squirmed, at first expecting it to be painful, but then surprised as she realized it was actually kinda nice. Megatron grunted. "That would be about a third the strength of an overload?"
"Huh, so I guess that wouldn't be an issue - but I mean, size difference?"
"That's easy," the mech scoffed. "Cybertronians have vast differences in sizes. We've learned how to get around them."
"Without cables or ports or any of that shit?" Alex asked dubiously.
"Do you think we have this much armor for show?" Megatron sneered. "Our internals are extremely sensitive. It's why your puny human weapons can even hurt us."
"Seems like a bit of a design flaw."
"Unfortunately any loss of sensitivity also results in a loss of flexibility - some of the larger mechs require such losses, but anyone fighting on the front line needs as much flexibility in their internals as they can manage." From the tone in his voice, Alex suspected that Megatron knew this from personal experience. She decided not to ask further.
"Right, so, internals are sensitive. And what about me?" the human drawled. "Because if you can control your cabling or something and this turns into tentacle hentai, I'm gonna be out of the fragging valley before you can blink - or cycle your optics or whatever." Megatron snorted.
"If we could do that, we wouldn't need medics, would we?" he said, then frowned. "Unless you count Soundwave. But those are external cables." Alex shuddered.
"I'm never going to be able to look at him the same way again now, thanks."
"You're welcome," Megatron said with a smirk.
"Back to the topic at hand then," Alex said, determinedly forcing her mind away from the mental images of Soundwave and tentacles.
"Yes, at hand," Megatron purred, flexing one of his, and Alex eyed him warily.
"Those things are kinda pointy and sharp, and my skin is rather breaka - WAGH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Alex cut off into a yelp as she was effortlessly - albeit carefully - picked up by one clawed hand.
"I haven't had a new cube in almost half an hour. I'm, as you say, 'sobering up'. So if we're going to act on this spectacularly bad idea, it had better be soon, before the need to squish such an inferior race overwhelms me again," Megatron said tartly.
"Shut up and fuck?" Alex said with a snicker, and Megatron smirked before depositing her on his chestplates. Alex blinked. "Right, so -" She found the nearest gap in his armor and clambered inside. Then she poked her head out. "You know, humans usually do this naked."
"I can't take off my armor," Megatron sneered.
"I was more referring to me. It's kinda warm in here."
"Very well," the mech said irritably, and Alex ducked back inside his armor before quickly stripping. She spared a thought to wonder what he thought of having her clothes suddenly shoved out of his armor.
Then Alex went exploring, and Megatron probably didn't do much thinking after that, because he hadn't been lying about Cybertronian internals being sensitive. There were also a lot of parts that vibrated, or had a faint charge similar to what he'd shocked her with earlier, and then there was his energon pump, and that was fun. However, the best discovery by far was his spark. It hadn't taken much for Alex to realize what it was, and she'd debated steering clear of it, but considering everything she'd done, everything she'd been once, and experienced - she reached out and laid a hand against the casing just for curiosity's sake.
For a moment, it felt almost like the Allspark energies again, as sensation washed over her and her body felt like it wasn't hers. Then the moment passed, and she realized that she wasn't so much disconnected from her own body as she was feeling someone else's, and she could push the sensations back, but why would she want to when it felt so slagging good. Alex shivered, realizing this was what Megatron was feeling right now, and that she'd done that to him. Well, the high grade had probably helped, but the mech was seriously revved right now, and with the way it was feeding back into her now, she could feel her toes curling and her body shivering. And that was somehow feeding back into him in an infinite loop, and dear god or primus or whatever -
Alex felt her own climax hit as the air around her electrified, and she realized this was ten times stronger than Megatron had said it would be. And ten times better. She passed out not long after, ecstasy still coursing through her.
---
Optimus was unsurprised to find Megatron still in the bar the next morning when he got up, recharging at the same table he'd last been sitting at. Ever since he had appeared in the valley one morning, confused and angry about how he was alive and why he couldn't leave, the former Lord High Protector had been spending his days drinking himself into an overcharged recharge. When he woke up, he'd usually stumble off to the washracks, then come back and do it all over again. Occasionally Ratchet would pester him about how that much charge going through his systems on a daily basis did them no good and he'd stay away from the high grade for a day, before going straight back.
So finding the mech that had once ruled the Decepticons with a titanium grip that every Cybertronian had feared, recharging in the bar in Allspark Valley, empty cubes stacked in front of him, was not an unusual sight. Optimus couldn't help but sigh as he saw it, though. At Elita's behest, he'd taken last night off from worrying about his brother. He'd had to break that promise briefly when Megatron had joined Alexandra, Ratchet, and Barricade, but it had been apparent that the mech just felt like company for once, and so Optimus had ordered Ratchet to stand guard over Alexandra and went back to his bondmate. Now, however, it was morning, and Optimus let his worry show as he stepped over and carefully rested a hand on the other mech's shoulder. How much longer could this go on, he wondered?
He found himself distracted from his thoughts for a moment as he spotted something colourful down by Megatron's midsection, and he frowned, leaning over slightly to get a closer look. His optics widened as he realized he was staring at a discarded pair of human pants - ones that looked distinctly similar to the ones Alexandra had been wearing last night. His hand tightened involuntarily as he gave his brother an alarmed look, wondering what could have possibly gone on last night after he'd left that Alex's pants were still in the bar - and his optics caught on a bra, resting further up Megatron's torso. Optimus froze, then cautiously reached out across the Autobot's communication network to which Alexandra was still attached and pinged her location.
The last surviving Prime shuddered, somehow unsurprised, when the return location came back as being right in front of him. Standing upright again, Optimus carefully removed his hand from his brother's shoulder, then turned around and walked out. After stopping by the energon dispenser and getting two cubes of the strongest high grade, one of which he drank immediately, and the other of which he took with him.
- THE END -
- Bonus Epilogue -
A few years later...
Ratchet headed over to the table with his full cube of high grade and considered the two Cybertronians sitting there - or rather, one Cybertronian, and one 'Earth Mechanoid', according to the human governments. The two in question looked up at him, one with an arched optic ridge, the other curiously.
"Well, are you going to join us?" Alex asked after a moment.
"Don't know. You two going to start doing all the lovey-dovey slag everyone else is?" the medic asked with a frown.
"Why the frag would we?" Megatron replied with a glower for the rest of the bar.
"Well, you two did just recently admit to having a secret affair for the past...how long?" Ratchet drawled.
"Oh, yeah, we broke up," Alex said nonchalantly.
"You broke up," Ratchet said disbelievingly, arching an optic ridge.
"Yeah, damn that evil ex-Decepticon for breaking up with me the day before Valentine's," Alex said, deadpan.
"And frag that hardly-evolved ex-meatsack for thinking that she can break up with me," Megatron scoffed.
"Here's to being single!" Alex said, raising her high grade in a toast.
"Here here!" Megatron agreed, and then they both drank.
"You two are glitched," Ratchet told them as he took a seat.
"Well, duh," Alex replied without hesitation.
"This breaking up thing is going to become an annual event, isn't it?" The medic asked more so he could prepare himself than because he had any doubt about what would happen.
"Going to? Dude, it already is," Alex said with a smirk. "Valentine's Day is best enjoyed single."
"Right," Ratchet said with a nod. "Good to know."
- Finis -
Oh, and for the sake of this piece, I'm retconning Alex's remark in the Sparks epilogue about her and Optimus being around each other for the last twenty years. It's more like 5 or 10.
Title: Nice Hands, Wanna Frag?
Part: 1/3
Rating: mild M
Warnings: Xeno? Cursing? Nothing too graphic
Setting: Sparks 'verse, which is AU 2007 'verse
Pairings/Characters: OFC Alex/Megatron, Ratchet, Barricade, Optimus, mentions of others
Summary: There were numerous reasons, not all of them involving fearing for her physical safety, that Optimus dreaded Alex and Megatron meeting. This had never been one of them. But it really, really should have been.
Words Used: battery, pink bunny, barbecue, condom, glasses
Notes: The first part of a trilogy of Sparks-AU bits, with the next parts being Fred the Martian and In Defense of Megatron's Honour
---
"I get the whole adaptation thing. It's what you guys do," Alex said irritably as she nursed a beer. "But seriously, there's some things you, as an alien culture, do not need to pick up from us humans." Sitting at the mech-sized portion of the table, Barricade snickered into his high grade. Alex gave him an annoyed look. "Seriously. Our holidays are empty even to most of us. You don't even get most of the cultural significance behind them, don't have the excuse of tradition - so why the frag should you celebrate them?"
"Because Prime thinks it makes us seem more 'approachable'?" Ratchet grumbled irritably from opposite Barricade.
"It makes you look like soft-sparked idiots," Barricade replied, smirking.
"Yeah, try telling him that."
"Did that. He suggested that I was just grumpy because I didn't have someone to spend the day with. Fragger," Alex said, glaring at where Optimus sat, his entire attention focused on Elita, and hers on him. "Which is another irritating thing, cuz I get enough from my sister about how I should find a guy that isn't a giant robot, and how much happier I'll be when I do. But you know what? I'm happy now. So screw that!" Alex concluded her mini-rant by downing the last of her beer.
"Here here," Ratchet agreed whole-heartedly as Alex dug around in the cooler by her side, looking for a new bottle of beer.
"That's why it's awesome being a Decepticon," Barricade said, smirk still firmly in place. Alex was convinced he joined her and the medic simply because of how amusing their conversation was to him. "No pressure to settle down or form bonds, because all that slag does is make you weak."
"I'd argue that," Ratchet grunted, glancing over towards Ironhide and Chromia. Barricade shuddered, smirk slipping. "But I don't think everyone needs to settle down. It's a personal choice. Most glitch-faced fools in love can't seem to understand that, though."
"They want you to 'share their happiness'," Alex said with massive air quotes as she gave up on digging through the cooler. "I'm getting kinda sick and tired of putting up with that though. I mean, when was the last time I subjected any of them to my happiness in being single when they had a heartbreak or sparkbreak or whatever? Never! I mean frag, it's considered callous to go 'hey, being single is fun!' if someone's having a fight. But is it bad for them to go 'having a significant other is so much better!' when you're moping around being miserable while single? No. It's them trying to 'help.' Also, I'm out of beer. We need to fix this."
"You had a 24 pack in there," Ratchet said with a frown.
"And I started in on it right after noon, Ratchet. It's now seven o'clock. I'm out," Alex said patiently.
"Then you've had enough," Ratchet retorted.
"Oh no way in hell do you get to cut me off, mister!" Alex said irritably. "How many cubes of high grade have you had today?"
"Three," Barricade supplied helpfully.
"You're on your fourth," the medic growled, glaring at the Decepticon. "Which with your tolerance, means you're pretty much gone already."
"And?" Barricade drawled. Ratchet frowned. Any reply he might have made was cut off by the arrival of a large mech at their table, holding not only three more cubes of high grade - Barricade and Ratchet's current cubes being low - but another 24 pack of beer as well. Ratchet frowned suspiciously at the last one as the new arrival calmly handed the beer to Alex and settled himself next to Barricade, the black and white mech hastily shuffling over to make room. Alex arched an eyebrow as she looked down at the beer, then up at their new table companion.
"Is it going to explode or something?" she asked, and Megatron snorted.
"You're hardly worth the effort, meatsack."
"And the Allspark wouldn't let you, anyways?" Ratchet said mockingly. The other mech snarled wordlessly in response, and Ratchet smirked. Another arrival had them all looking up again, and Alex rolled her eyes as she saw Optimus standing there, a hard expression in place.
"No, there isn't a problem. Yes, he's out of his corner and still drinking himself into oblivion. No, it doesn't concern you. Yes, you should go back to making gooey optics at Elita," the human woman said as soon as Optimus opened his mouth. The Prime frowned at her. "Do you want me to make a big sign for this table, 'SINGLES ONLY'? Shoo. Git. Scat. Vamoose. Or I'll see just how much pull I still have over the Allspark and get Megsy here to kick your aft." There was a low growl from the former Decepticon leader, but Alex ignored him as she stared down Optimus. The Prime gave in after a few moments, and with one last warning glance towards Megatron, headed back to Elita. Around them, the low murmuring conversations in the bar started to pick up again, though many of them now glanced their way from time to time.
"Afthead. Ordering me to stick around," Ratchet glowered, glaring after his Prime.
"Paranoid, much?" Barricade said with a snicker, then promptly sobered and went back to sipping his high grade as he remembered who was sitting next to him. Though he was trapped in the Allspark Valley, unable to effectively lead the Decepticons or cause violence of any kind, Megatron was still imposing, and everyone knew just what he could and would do if he ever got out of the Valley again.
"You'd think he'd trust the Allspark, at least," Megatron said irritably.
"You know Optimus, doesn't draw a line between not mentioning something and outright lying," Ratchet grumbled.
"He actually tried to be mad at me for not mentioning that you were still alive," Alex put in with a snort. "I fixed that in short order."
"How, exactly?" Megatron drawled. "I never did quite figure out how to get him out of his righteous snits." Alex fought back surprise over the former Decepticon leader actually asking her a question, but then, he'd been pretty much drinking himself stupid for the past few weeks, so she figured that had probably made him more charitable towards those around him. Or he was just too overcharged to care. Megatron seemed to turn into Optimus on a bad day when he was overcharged. Which was kind of hilarious, and someday Alex would point it out to Optimus.
"I threatened to get a recording of Beth and Cliffy and leave it playing somewhere in his internals that he couldn't reach without help," she answered.
"...you threatened him with porn?" Ratchet said with a snort of laughter.
"Porn of one of his subordinates and my sister, who he sees as family," Alex said smugly. Barricade shuddered.
"It still traumatizes me to think of how that might work. Small hands getting into sensitive parts - urg. I might need to purge," the enforcer grumbled.
"What, like you've never lusted over a medic or a minibot?" Ratchet said with a roll of his optics.
"That's different!" Barricade argued. "You're mechanoid, squishies are...organic and gross."
"Considering the extremely low risk of cross-contamination of viruses and infections between different base life forms, you'd actually be safer with a 'squishy' than with a mechanoid," Ratchet countered.
"Also, who said anything about Ratchet?" Alex drawled, an amused smirk on her face as she caught the phrasing no one else, not even Barricade, had.
"What?" the enforcer asking, twitching.
"Ratchet said a medic or minibot - you specifically referred to him in your response," Alex said brightly, smirk widening into a grin.
"I did not," Barricade replied after a beat.
"You did too," Alex countered, grin widening further.
"Slag you, squishy," Barricade growled with a glare.
"You know, being mean to a human isn't the way to get in my good graces, Barricade," Ratchet commented, optics glinting mischievously.
"Oh frag you," Barricade snapped.
"Well at least he's being honest about his desires now," Ratchet replied, grinning wickedly. The enforcer glared at him and didn't respond, taking a long drink of his high grade instead - only to make a noise of complaint as it got snatched out of his hand. The glare that threatened to follow was stopped when he realized Megatron had snatched it away. And finished it in one large gulp. Alex glanced at the Decepticon, and found that he'd already emptied the cube he came with.
"You might wanna slow down there," she commented.
"If you think I'd be over here with a meatsack and an Autobot without being anything less than completely overcharged, your processor power is even more limited than I originally thought," Megatron replied with a sneer.
"Actually, I figured you were already pretty overcharged to bring me beer - thanks for that by the way - I just didn't think you'd keep drinking. Thought maybe you'd recognize that you should sober up if you were deciding me and Ratch were good company," Alex said with a shrug.
"Even your primitive self doesn't want to be sober around all these love-sick fools. Why would I want to be?" Megatron growled, sending a glare Barricade's way. The enforcer scowled - down at the table.
"You have a point," Alex admitted. "Maybe we really should make a 'singles only' sign for our table."
"Some of the glitches would probably take it as an invitation," Ratchet said with a snort. "'Here sit singles for you to hit up for threesomes.' Frag that."
"I dunno, I mean, Megsy here might scare 'em off," Alex mused.
"I do not care to have my designation shortened, human, least of all by you," the large mech snarled in response.
"Dude, it's your fault for bringing me beer," Alex replied calmly. "I'd probably mangle your full name right now. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue." Megatron sneered at her in response, then got up. Alex wondered briefly if he'd decided they weren't worth hanging around after all, but then she realized he was just heading to the energon dispenser. Most of the Cybertronians in the bar turned to watch him as he went.
Alex's attention was pulled back to the table as Barricade said something over her head to Ratchet, in Cybertronian. The medic arched an optic ridge, replied in the same language, and Barricade hunched his shoulders. When Megatron returned, before he could sit down, the enforcer suddenly slid out of the booth and stomped out. The former Decepticon leader frowned after him, then shrugged and put two of the cubes he'd brought back in front of himself, giving the third to Ratchet.
"Do I wanna know?" Alex asked after they all sat and sipped their beverages of choice for a few moments.
"I don't think he quite appreciated the spirit of our griping," Ratchet drawled. Megatron actually barked out a laugh at that.
"That fool always has been overly sentimental, no matter what he says."
"Well good riddance to bad singles, then," Alex said, toasting with her beer before taking a large drink. That happened to empty the bottle, so she added it to the steadily-growing collection that she'd decided to pull out of the cooler for ease of full-beer-finding, then pulled a new beer out of the cooler.
"I might have accepted if he'd gone with the whole 'medic's hands' thing, but apparently since I'm an Autobot, I need romantic slag," Ratchet said irritably.
"What, you mean if he'd asked if you wanted to get your hands all over his internals?" Megatron drawled.
"I was thinking more of 'I like your hands, wanna frag?'" Ratchet retorted.
"Direct and to the point - something Barricade has never been," Megatron said with a sneer. "That's always the problem with scouts and spies. They don't know how to be direct."
"Yeah well, I'm a medic - I need to be direct," Ratchet said tartly. "If I don't go directly to the issue, mechs die."
"And if I don't, then the fraggers are left alive and twitching so they can trip me," the Decepticon Warlord added with a nasty smirk.
"Remind me to reformat you into a coffee machine when you eventually pass out."
"Isn't a toaster your usual threat?"
"A coffee machine produces a purely recreational beverage that gives many humans pleasure, as opposed to a toaster that just produces food to sustain them."
"But if you're just going for providing pleasure to humans, why a coffee machine? Why not just go all the way and reformat him into a dildo?" Ratchet's optics brightened, and he grinned over at Megatron, who had gone still for a moment as he obviously looked it up.
"Eurgh!" They could both tell the moment he found out, and started laughing.
"He wouldn't even need batteries!" Ratchet got out between snickers.
"Frag you," the former Decepticon leader snarled, but the medic just laughed harder, while Alex immediately perked up at his word choice.
"Not you, too," she said with a grin, and there was a beat of silence as the mechs realized what she meant. They both gave her a disgusted look, and with a lecherous grin at Megatron, she couldn't help but add, "Unless you want to try out Ratchet's theory that human hands wouldn't be that much different than a medic's." Megatron snarled angrily at her, then promptly downed the remaining half of his current cube of high grade.
"You have a demented mind," Ratchet told Alex, then followed Megatron's example and downed the rest of his cube. He then snatched the extra one from Megatron, who snarled and tried to grab it back. The medic downed that one, too, flicking his fingers Megatron's way in what Alex had learned over the years was the Cybertronian equivalent of sticking his tongue out at the other mech.
"Fragger," Megatron growled.
"You've both had far more than me. I'm just catching up," Ratchet retorted.
"Weren't you trying to cut me off awhile ago?" Alex asked.
"That was before the bane of my med bay joined us," Ratchet answered patiently. "Now I need more to deal with him." Alex nodded sagely in understanding, while Megatron smirked, clearly proud of being the bane of the medic's med bay.
"Huh. Point," Alex mused. "Speaking of which, you're now out, and I'm feeling the need for something stronger than beer."
"Just because I brought you more intoxicants once, meatsack, doesn't mean I'll do it again," Megatron sneered.
"Frag no, you grabbed the last two rounds, it's Ratchet's turn!" Alex said, and gave the medic a sickeningly sweet smile.
"Except Optimus ordered me to stay right here and not leave you two alone," Ratchet drawled.
"Oh really?" Alex arched an eyebrow and looked over to Megatron with a speculative look, realizing there might be more to Optimus keeping her away from the Decepticon than just protection. "Have a bunch of embarrassing stories on him, do we?"
"We grew up together," Megatron said with a distinctly evil chuckle. "You have no idea."
"Tell! Telltelltell!" Alex said gleefully, then turned to Ratchet. "You - more booze. I'll handle Optimus if he notices." The medic contemplated that for a moment, then with a last look at the mostly mischievous glint in Megatron's optics, he shrugged and got up, heading to get them refills. By the time he got back with more high-grade and a box containing the fixings for quite a few Jack and Cokes, Megatron was well into a story about Optimus's childhood pet, which had apparently looked a bit like a pink Cybertronian bunny. It was more equivalent to a cobra in regards to danger, however, moving at lightning-fast speeds and having a deadly, venomous bite. The thing never actually bit Optimus, and the poor little Prime-to-be hadn't understood why everyone else was absolutely terrified of it. Apparently he'd sulked for months after Megatron's predecessor had put his foot down and taken the pet away.
"The best part was what he called it," Megatron said with a smirk, then said something in Cybertronian. Alex looked over to Ratchet curiously.
"Loosely translated - contraceptive," the medic said with a snort of laughter.
"Optimus named his deadly bunny 'Condom'?" Alex asked as she giggled. "Why?"
"Apparently he heard a pair of guards talking and heard the word, but had no idea what it meant because he didn't have interface protocols yet. He just thought it sounded like a good pet name," Megatron said with a snicker. "Which was part of the reason I refused to make him get rid of it. I knew how deadly it was, but it never made any move to bite him, and it was worth it to see the looks on everyone else's faces when they realized first what it was, and then what he'd named it."
"Still slagging dangerous for him to have, though," Ratchet said with a frown. Megatron shrugged.
"I was at the 'resenting my destiny' phase," he drawled, and Ratchet nodded, like he completely understood.
"Did Optimus go through one of those?" Alex asked curiously, arching an eyebrow, and Megatron's face lit up with an evil grin.
"Did he ever," the Decepticon purred, and Alex giggled gleefully. This was turning out to be the best night ever.
It was hours, and much booze and high grade, later when Alex recovered from laughing over Megatron's latest embarrassing Optimus story, looked out into the bar, and realized they were the last ones there.
"Where did ev'rybody go?" she asked, making a good impression of someone badly in need of glasses as she squinted into the dimmed bar, as if there was an explanation for everyone's absence out there.
"Probably to berths," Ratchet said, making a disgusted face. "Or a convenientilily private part of that new crystal garden, if they're Prowl an' Jazz."
"Dude has a fetish for those crystals, I swear," Alex muttered.
"There always were strange rumours about Praxans an' their crystals," Megatron said with a snicker. Over the evening, the former Decepticon leader had slouched ever lower in his seat, so that by now his optic level was about equal with Alex's, and his feet were up on the seat opposite, trapping Ratchet in the booth. The medic had retaliated by turning sideways in the booth, draping him own legs over Megatron's feet. Alex herself was sprawled on the table, occasionally turning this way or that to pay attention to one of the mechs in particular - or to look out into the bar, as had recently happened.
"Like what? They have ports to stick 'em in or somethin'?" the human asked, giggling at the thought.
"Vibrations an' doorwings, but I heard a few with ports'n'orgies," Megatron replied, still snickering.
"Most of those rumours weren't even medically possible."
"Doesn't make 'em any less funny," Megatron declared, gesturing wildly with a cube of high grade before taking a long drink of it.
"We should sneak out to the crystals all sneaky-like an' find out if any of 'em were true," Alex suggested. Megatron looked thoughtful, but Ratchet negated the idea.
"Jazz is head of Special Ops. We couldn't sneak up on him while we were sober, let alone now."
"Maybe he'll feel like puttin' on a show?" Alex suggested.
"Isn't that the opposite idea of this whole fraggin' hearts an' flowers holiday thing you meatsacks celebrate?"
"Well, depends what you're into. I mean, if the two'a them like putting on a show - which, let's be honest, recent evidence says they do..."
"I'm not tromping out there to peek at Prowl an' Jazz crossing circuits," Ratchet declared hotly, and Alex and Megatron both sniggered. "It's gonna be bad enough listening to all of them in quarters."
"Ooooh, good point - there ought to be plenty of embarrassing stuff we could record in there!" Alex said, perking up.
"Why are you suddenly so fascinated with being a voyeur?!" Ratchet demanded. "I seem to remember starting this little table because we wanted to avoid all the sentimental goop!"
"There's a different between avoiding Valentine's Day and getting blackmail material," Alex said with as much dignity as a completely plastered trucker could manage. Which wasn't much at all, but neither mech seemed to notice. "Besides, basic biology - drunk humans tend to get horny when presented with discussion of sexy things, and robots getting it on is still someone getting it on, and that is therefore sexy."
"That's not biology, that's psychology," Ratchet retorted.
"It's the truth," Alex replied, raising a hand and pointing into the air as it making an important point.
"Whatever it is, I'm too overcharged to deal with it," the medic grunted. "I think it's time to go pass out in my quarters."
"Didn't Prime order you to stay here?" Megatron drawled as Ratchet climbed his way over the larger mech's feet. Megatron just watched the whole thing absently, not moving an inch to help. Ratchet, for his part, seemed to need all of his concentration for what would normally be a rather simple maneuver, and even then ended up falling flat on his aft once he was out of the booth. Only once he'd stood and brushed himself off did he decide to answer.
"Prime is not here, and frankly you're about as harmless as a kitten right now anyways, so I'm going to recharge," the medic said with an emphatic nod, then headed off - weaving only slightly as he went. There was a vast silence after he left as Alex and Megatron considered each other.
"Sooo...here we sit...well. Slouch. Lay. Whatever," Alex said after a time. "The squishy and the squisher." She giggled.
"I never squish. I blast into itty bitty pieces," Megatron countered.
"But you still do it."
"Would still. Can't. Fragging Allspark."
"I know, right?! I mean, I was just doing perfectly fine, living my life, and then it comes along and wrecks everything and then there's this - this valley and everybody arriving and then suddenly my best friend's fragging wife shows up and do you know how much un-fun that is?" There was another moment of silence. "It's annoying to be one of the few single people you know. I mean, screw 'em all, I'm glad I'm single, but when everyone's all lovey-dovey around you they do give you ideas every once and awhile, only unlike them, you have no one to try out those ideas with." Megatron snorted.
"Tell me about it. My Decepticons loved to pretend they're all tough, but I had a fraggin' telepathic head of special ops. I knew the slagging drama they pulled. Which was only made worse by Starscream and his fragging trinebond. You'd think after the three of them had been bonded so long they could keep their hands off each other after a mission, but noooooo! I had to give up on havin' any sort of meeting right after a mission, because I was sick and slagging tired of watching them blatantly grope each other!"
"Should've asked to join in, that might've stopped 'em," Alex said with a snort.
"As if. They made off with Soundwave one time. Fragger." Megatron glowered.
"So then why didn't you ask to join them?" Alex asked curiously. "If they're so worked up that they're groping in front of you, the interfacing must've been pretty spectacular."
"I don't interface with subordinates," the mech sneered. Alex blinked as she thought about that.
"What about Autobots?" The look he gave her clearly showed how his already low opinion of her had just dropped even further. "I think you kinda backed yourself into a corner for interfacing partners there, Megsy."
"I know." The mech sounded distinctly morose. Alex looked up at the ceiling.
"All the men I know are either married or giant robots. Or both," she offered after a moment.
"There's how many of you meatsacks on this planet now? Seven billion? Go find someone." Megatron was entirely unsympathetic.
"Yeah, right, at almost 40? I think I'd count as a cougar now," Alex said with disgust. "And I'm really not into the hitting on young guys thing. Even if it was just for sex, I'd like to be able to respect myself in the morning."
"You're just being picky," Megatron sneered.
"And you're not? Half your race wants to kill you, and the other half you've decided you don't want to interface with!" Alex argued. "Who exactly does that leave?!"
"Aliens?" Megatron said after a moment of pondering. Alex smirked, about to make the obvious joke, and then her drunken mind made her pause, and she turned a considering eye over to the large mech. He caught her gaze and looked back with a frown. Understanding lit his face, and he snarled at her in a wordless refusal.
"What?! We both have a lack of potential partners, neither of us has gotten laid in fraggin' forever, and we're intoxicated enough that we can blame it on that tomorrow!" the human protested hotly.
"Because it's disgusting -" Megatron cut himself off, considering. Alex frowned at him, unsure if she liked the calculating expression he now had.
"What are you thinking?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm trying to figure out if being able to taunt Optimus about it would be worth sullying myself with an organic."
"Hey!"
"Like you wouldn't take backlash from doing this with me?" Megatron sneered.
"Well yeah, but -" Alex paused. "Yeah I can't think of a but. This is a spectacularly bad idea all around."
"Definitely," the Decepticon agreed. There was a long silence.
"Nice hands, wanna frag?"
Megatron snickered.
"How?" The obvious question, that probably should have been first before they even thought about whether or not they wanted to.
"Slag, should've asked Beth about how she and Cliffy do it," Alex said irritably. "I mean, you overload when you interface, right? So wouldn't that barbecue a human?"
"The charge isn't that strong," Megatron frowned, then reached out and poked Alex with one long, clawed finger. A tingle shot through it and into Alex's body, and she squirmed, at first expecting it to be painful, but then surprised as she realized it was actually kinda nice. Megatron grunted. "That would be about a third the strength of an overload?"
"Huh, so I guess that wouldn't be an issue - but I mean, size difference?"
"That's easy," the mech scoffed. "Cybertronians have vast differences in sizes. We've learned how to get around them."
"Without cables or ports or any of that shit?" Alex asked dubiously.
"Do you think we have this much armor for show?" Megatron sneered. "Our internals are extremely sensitive. It's why your puny human weapons can even hurt us."
"Seems like a bit of a design flaw."
"Unfortunately any loss of sensitivity also results in a loss of flexibility - some of the larger mechs require such losses, but anyone fighting on the front line needs as much flexibility in their internals as they can manage." From the tone in his voice, Alex suspected that Megatron knew this from personal experience. She decided not to ask further.
"Right, so, internals are sensitive. And what about me?" the human drawled. "Because if you can control your cabling or something and this turns into tentacle hentai, I'm gonna be out of the fragging valley before you can blink - or cycle your optics or whatever." Megatron snorted.
"If we could do that, we wouldn't need medics, would we?" he said, then frowned. "Unless you count Soundwave. But those are external cables." Alex shuddered.
"I'm never going to be able to look at him the same way again now, thanks."
"You're welcome," Megatron said with a smirk.
"Back to the topic at hand then," Alex said, determinedly forcing her mind away from the mental images of Soundwave and tentacles.
"Yes, at hand," Megatron purred, flexing one of his, and Alex eyed him warily.
"Those things are kinda pointy and sharp, and my skin is rather breaka - WAGH WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Alex cut off into a yelp as she was effortlessly - albeit carefully - picked up by one clawed hand.
"I haven't had a new cube in almost half an hour. I'm, as you say, 'sobering up'. So if we're going to act on this spectacularly bad idea, it had better be soon, before the need to squish such an inferior race overwhelms me again," Megatron said tartly.
"Shut up and fuck?" Alex said with a snicker, and Megatron smirked before depositing her on his chestplates. Alex blinked. "Right, so -" She found the nearest gap in his armor and clambered inside. Then she poked her head out. "You know, humans usually do this naked."
"I can't take off my armor," Megatron sneered.
"I was more referring to me. It's kinda warm in here."
"Very well," the mech said irritably, and Alex ducked back inside his armor before quickly stripping. She spared a thought to wonder what he thought of having her clothes suddenly shoved out of his armor.
Then Alex went exploring, and Megatron probably didn't do much thinking after that, because he hadn't been lying about Cybertronian internals being sensitive. There were also a lot of parts that vibrated, or had a faint charge similar to what he'd shocked her with earlier, and then there was his energon pump, and that was fun. However, the best discovery by far was his spark. It hadn't taken much for Alex to realize what it was, and she'd debated steering clear of it, but considering everything she'd done, everything she'd been once, and experienced - she reached out and laid a hand against the casing just for curiosity's sake.
For a moment, it felt almost like the Allspark energies again, as sensation washed over her and her body felt like it wasn't hers. Then the moment passed, and she realized that she wasn't so much disconnected from her own body as she was feeling someone else's, and she could push the sensations back, but why would she want to when it felt so slagging good. Alex shivered, realizing this was what Megatron was feeling right now, and that she'd done that to him. Well, the high grade had probably helped, but the mech was seriously revved right now, and with the way it was feeding back into her now, she could feel her toes curling and her body shivering. And that was somehow feeding back into him in an infinite loop, and dear god or primus or whatever -
Alex felt her own climax hit as the air around her electrified, and she realized this was ten times stronger than Megatron had said it would be. And ten times better. She passed out not long after, ecstasy still coursing through her.
---
Optimus was unsurprised to find Megatron still in the bar the next morning when he got up, recharging at the same table he'd last been sitting at. Ever since he had appeared in the valley one morning, confused and angry about how he was alive and why he couldn't leave, the former Lord High Protector had been spending his days drinking himself into an overcharged recharge. When he woke up, he'd usually stumble off to the washracks, then come back and do it all over again. Occasionally Ratchet would pester him about how that much charge going through his systems on a daily basis did them no good and he'd stay away from the high grade for a day, before going straight back.
So finding the mech that had once ruled the Decepticons with a titanium grip that every Cybertronian had feared, recharging in the bar in Allspark Valley, empty cubes stacked in front of him, was not an unusual sight. Optimus couldn't help but sigh as he saw it, though. At Elita's behest, he'd taken last night off from worrying about his brother. He'd had to break that promise briefly when Megatron had joined Alexandra, Ratchet, and Barricade, but it had been apparent that the mech just felt like company for once, and so Optimus had ordered Ratchet to stand guard over Alexandra and went back to his bondmate. Now, however, it was morning, and Optimus let his worry show as he stepped over and carefully rested a hand on the other mech's shoulder. How much longer could this go on, he wondered?
He found himself distracted from his thoughts for a moment as he spotted something colourful down by Megatron's midsection, and he frowned, leaning over slightly to get a closer look. His optics widened as he realized he was staring at a discarded pair of human pants - ones that looked distinctly similar to the ones Alexandra had been wearing last night. His hand tightened involuntarily as he gave his brother an alarmed look, wondering what could have possibly gone on last night after he'd left that Alex's pants were still in the bar - and his optics caught on a bra, resting further up Megatron's torso. Optimus froze, then cautiously reached out across the Autobot's communication network to which Alexandra was still attached and pinged her location.
The last surviving Prime shuddered, somehow unsurprised, when the return location came back as being right in front of him. Standing upright again, Optimus carefully removed his hand from his brother's shoulder, then turned around and walked out. After stopping by the energon dispenser and getting two cubes of the strongest high grade, one of which he drank immediately, and the other of which he took with him.
- THE END -
- Bonus Epilogue -
A few years later...
Ratchet headed over to the table with his full cube of high grade and considered the two Cybertronians sitting there - or rather, one Cybertronian, and one 'Earth Mechanoid', according to the human governments. The two in question looked up at him, one with an arched optic ridge, the other curiously.
"Well, are you going to join us?" Alex asked after a moment.
"Don't know. You two going to start doing all the lovey-dovey slag everyone else is?" the medic asked with a frown.
"Why the frag would we?" Megatron replied with a glower for the rest of the bar.
"Well, you two did just recently admit to having a secret affair for the past...how long?" Ratchet drawled.
"Oh, yeah, we broke up," Alex said nonchalantly.
"You broke up," Ratchet said disbelievingly, arching an optic ridge.
"Yeah, damn that evil ex-Decepticon for breaking up with me the day before Valentine's," Alex said, deadpan.
"And frag that hardly-evolved ex-meatsack for thinking that she can break up with me," Megatron scoffed.
"Here's to being single!" Alex said, raising her high grade in a toast.
"Here here!" Megatron agreed, and then they both drank.
"You two are glitched," Ratchet told them as he took a seat.
"Well, duh," Alex replied without hesitation.
"This breaking up thing is going to become an annual event, isn't it?" The medic asked more so he could prepare himself than because he had any doubt about what would happen.
"Going to? Dude, it already is," Alex said with a smirk. "Valentine's Day is best enjoyed single."
"Right," Ratchet said with a nod. "Good to know."
- Finis -