the last thing on your mind
the last thing on your mind
Jonghyun/Jinki
PG except for gratuitous swearing in one part, angsty. Lots of jumping around and a Kibum cameo.
They will always be like this, even if they don't want to be, every single day.
You're tired. So tired of it all, the lights the fights the shine the grit. Sometimes, you think it could be worth it, when you're standing on stage right after a song. Then, Taemin is beaming, Key is smirking, Minho breathes out hard. And Jinki, Jinki is right next to you and so far away at the same time and then it's not worth it, never will be if you can't-
"I don't love you anymore,"
Jonghyun's face freezes for one second, then it crumbles. You can tell he's falling, falling hard and fast and you're the one who has pushed him off this cliff. Shouldn't you feel something, you think, as the tears come down. Now they're tumbling over words, spilling out of him as he reaches out and takes your hand in a vice grip.
"No, don't go-"
"I've already left you,"
Fuck Jinki. You take a breath. For making me fall for him.
Fuck me. Pull back your fist. For loving him.
Fuck love. Your fist goes shooting forwards into the punching bag. For making people sing fucking love songs.
Fuck love songs. It stings, and you let out a hiss of satisfaction.
Stupid love songs that sell too well. Goddamn love songs that earned you a spot in SM. Fucking love songs that brought you to Jinki, brought you here. Stupid goddamn fucking love songs playing over and over in your head.
He's been inside of you, intimate in the closest possible sense and yet, you can't bring yourself to get any closer to him. Maybe it was just the afterglow, you muse absently, that made you feel like you felt something. He doesn't look so pretty now, red eyes and blotchy skin. You feel a tiny twinge of pity for him, but it's not enough to take the hand he's reaching out to you with.
"Let go, Jonghyun-ah." He opens his mouth as if to say something and closes it after meeting your eyes. You must look so cold, standing over him, smiling a little. Not close, never close enough to love him- just enough to hurt him.
"I'm leaving,"
Seeing him again would make your heart break, of this you are certain. Your heart would break, shatter into a million pieces that would cut you every time you struggled, trying to make your way out of the mess you got yourself into.
Jinki, of course, would be impervious to all of it.
It catches you unaware sometimes, when Jinki is blinking the sleep out of his eyes or nodding seriously at the manager or slopping water down his chin. Then, there's that familiar ache in your chest again. You always turns your eyes away before Jinki can catch you staring, before Jinki can smile at you like he smiles at the cameras.
"So," Jonghyun clears his throat, then shoves his hands in his pockets, fisting them hard; you can see the the outlines of his knuckles underneath the fabric of his pants. He takes one hand out, runs it through his hair, rocks back and forth on his heels.
"So," You grin at him. He avoids your gaze. "Beautiful night, isn't it? You can actually see the stars," It stays silent, and you count the visible stars just to do something out of sheer boredom.
He makes a choking, strangled noise, and when he finally turns to you, his eyes are glimmering with unspilled tears. "Hyung, please-"
"What, Jonghyun-ah?" What do you want me to do, Jonghyun-ah? What am I supposed to do?
His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows, then he takes a deep shuddering breath and turns to you with an air of desperate finality. "Hyung, don't," The door slams, and he is gone.
He beams at you, all sunshine, rumpled hair and smiling eyes. You want to yell at him, punch him. Just to see if he can bleed or feel.
"Good morning, Jonghyun-ah,"
"Maybe you could try being fucking nice for once," Kibum slides an egg onto your plate, hands you the bottle of ketchup and turns back to the stove.
You shake the ketchup hard, turn it upside down and squeeze. "But I don't love him anymore," One eye, two eyes, one upside down smiley face mouth. You look up and Jonghyun's in the doorway, eyes swollen and lips turned down at the corners just like your egg. Kibum glares at him, and then you, and then back at him again.
You crumble your egg into your rice; the sad face disappears and the ketchup turns everything in your bowl a bright, artificial red. It will be like this everyday.
Comments?
Jonghyun/Jinki
PG except for gratuitous swearing in one part, angsty. Lots of jumping around and a Kibum cameo.
They will always be like this, even if they don't want to be, every single day.
You're tired. So tired of it all, the lights the fights the shine the grit. Sometimes, you think it could be worth it, when you're standing on stage right after a song. Then, Taemin is beaming, Key is smirking, Minho breathes out hard. And Jinki, Jinki is right next to you and so far away at the same time and then it's not worth it, never will be if you can't-
"I don't love you anymore,"
Jonghyun's face freezes for one second, then it crumbles. You can tell he's falling, falling hard and fast and you're the one who has pushed him off this cliff. Shouldn't you feel something, you think, as the tears come down. Now they're tumbling over words, spilling out of him as he reaches out and takes your hand in a vice grip.
"No, don't go-"
"I've already left you,"
Fuck Jinki. You take a breath. For making me fall for him.
Fuck me. Pull back your fist. For loving him.
Fuck love. Your fist goes shooting forwards into the punching bag. For making people sing fucking love songs.
Fuck love songs. It stings, and you let out a hiss of satisfaction.
Stupid love songs that sell too well. Goddamn love songs that earned you a spot in SM. Fucking love songs that brought you to Jinki, brought you here. Stupid goddamn fucking love songs playing over and over in your head.
He's been inside of you, intimate in the closest possible sense and yet, you can't bring yourself to get any closer to him. Maybe it was just the afterglow, you muse absently, that made you feel like you felt something. He doesn't look so pretty now, red eyes and blotchy skin. You feel a tiny twinge of pity for him, but it's not enough to take the hand he's reaching out to you with.
"Let go, Jonghyun-ah." He opens his mouth as if to say something and closes it after meeting your eyes. You must look so cold, standing over him, smiling a little. Not close, never close enough to love him- just enough to hurt him.
"I'm leaving,"
Seeing him again would make your heart break, of this you are certain. Your heart would break, shatter into a million pieces that would cut you every time you struggled, trying to make your way out of the mess you got yourself into.
Jinki, of course, would be impervious to all of it.
It catches you unaware sometimes, when Jinki is blinking the sleep out of his eyes or nodding seriously at the manager or slopping water down his chin. Then, there's that familiar ache in your chest again. You always turns your eyes away before Jinki can catch you staring, before Jinki can smile at you like he smiles at the cameras.
"So," Jonghyun clears his throat, then shoves his hands in his pockets, fisting them hard; you can see the the outlines of his knuckles underneath the fabric of his pants. He takes one hand out, runs it through his hair, rocks back and forth on his heels.
"So," You grin at him. He avoids your gaze. "Beautiful night, isn't it? You can actually see the stars," It stays silent, and you count the visible stars just to do something out of sheer boredom.
He makes a choking, strangled noise, and when he finally turns to you, his eyes are glimmering with unspilled tears. "Hyung, please-"
"What, Jonghyun-ah?" What do you want me to do, Jonghyun-ah? What am I supposed to do?
His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows, then he takes a deep shuddering breath and turns to you with an air of desperate finality. "Hyung, don't," The door slams, and he is gone.
He beams at you, all sunshine, rumpled hair and smiling eyes. You want to yell at him, punch him. Just to see if he can bleed or feel.
"Good morning, Jonghyun-ah,"
"Maybe you could try being fucking nice for once," Kibum slides an egg onto your plate, hands you the bottle of ketchup and turns back to the stove.
You shake the ketchup hard, turn it upside down and squeeze. "But I don't love him anymore," One eye, two eyes, one upside down smiley face mouth. You look up and Jonghyun's in the doorway, eyes swollen and lips turned down at the corners just like your egg. Kibum glares at him, and then you, and then back at him again.
You crumble your egg into your rice; the sad face disappears and the ketchup turns everything in your bowl a bright, artificial red. It will be like this everyday.
Comments?