I started writing this at 10:57pm
okay, so up until like 2 minutes ago, i felt like complete crap. And now? I'm not feeling completely amazing, but I do feel loved and appreciated more than I did before what happened happened.
But before I get into that, I'm going to go on a tangent to make my point more poignant. Today I've been kind of reflecting on my non-popularity so far in life. Hebrew School and Sunday School -- I basically had no friends. A few people would be nice to me, but I didn't speak their language well enough to really embed me in a group. My awkward social life got better after I befriended Mason during my musical theatre career in the chorus of Brigadoon. I found I could find one person in a group of already bonded strangers (but cassie fared better because she was cute and little and could actually dance and sing). I did that at camp too, but almost every year, I ended up befriending the one person everyone else hated, but no one hated me. People told me I had a stick up my ass until I came back from camp my last year there (summer of 99). That's the summer I had my first kiss. And even though it was horrible (think sour milk), it opened up something. And I became more outgoing. But I was still weird and awkward.
In high school and jr. high, I had my friends. I would even talk to the popular kids sometimes. Or eavesdrop on their convos in French class (lol, andrea). But I always feel awkward around a new group, especially a group of people who already knew each other and had already bonded. And usually I end up looking like a spaz. Or I can work with them, but not without a considerable degree of discomfort and feeling like the outsider. That's what happened during SPW.
And you know, I seriously thought I was not cut out for the film industry because people didn't get me. Or I didn't get them. But maybe I've matured since I've been here or it's everything i've "done" since my first kiss (my theory is that everyone would be happier if they got laid on a regular basis, lol). Maybe it's participating in AGG rush (on both ends) or all the f-ing interviews. I don't know. What I do know is, for the only time in my life aside from Jeopardy! I fit into an ENTIRE group of strangers from the second I walked in the door. I was recognized as an important part of the team. People didn't sneer at me when my back was turned because they thought I was too young or too flighty (um...right...but it's happened) or too inexperienced for a job. I was completely trusted with tasks.
Almost as soon as I set foot into the production office, I was asked to make a run to pick up makeup and make copies. I was given a 100 dollar bill. This person knew nothing about me, yet I was given cash and told to leave. It kind of astounded me. Then when I got back I was told: you and Jack are in charge of painting the hallway for a shot we need to do in an hour or so. "This is your baby," were the exact words. I was kind of glad I'm obsessed with the apprentice because I felt like a project manager. haha. when new production assistants came in, I delegated tasks to them. I gave updates to the production designer and asked him questions. But for once, I made decisions on my own and didn't nitpick about what people wanted. I surprised myself with my ability to trust my own decisions. And because I'm a people pleaser, that's a big thing for me. I didn't worry about what exactly I should buy and how much of it when I was asked to run to the grocery store. And that ability to trust my own decisions that will affect others, no matter how small, is huge for me.
The second day, I walk in and almost immediately, the 2nd AD (asst. director) says: everyone's telling me you're really doing a great job. People are high-fiving me in the hallways when I walk in. I feel like I actually matter. When I go to see what needs to be done, I get a hug and told to hang around. And I make conversation with complete strangers who already knew each other, and they cared about what I had to say. It's like all my awkward social moments in life are being made up for in a few days.
The third day there was less to do, and more time to socialize, and I did. And at the end of the day, I got hugs from everyone, including the 1st AD who I barely talked to at all. Also, I got a person who basically volunteered to be a "mentor," he gave me his number and e-mail and told me to call him anytime I wanted if I wanted to see what went on during pre-production through post for his directorial debut film. Or if I had questions or just to hang out. I gave my information to one of the writer/producers if he wanted to use me in another project. His response? "Yeah! Definitely!"
But the best part of the weekend was on the second day. I went on a run to pick up some pizzas and ended up taking about 2 hours due to Hilary Duff being an idiot and blocking off 25-30 blocks of downtown LA. When I got back I was in a horrible mood. And instead of people being pissed at me, they told me to relax, eat some wings and grab a beer. Which I did. I got hugs from everyone. I was told that they had a betting pool going on that if I got back after 7:30 they'd poor a container of water on me (and good thing i was wearing a white t-shirt...hahaha). I felt as if I wasn't at work anymore, but that I had joined part of a family. And I'm so glad I worked on that movie, because everyone on the crew is seriously like a 3rd family for me. (behind my actual family and AGG)
And the thing that cheered me up exactly an hour ago was that two people, about 1 minute apart from each other called me up to make sure I was going to the wrap party. The first guy that called me said "your presence is required." I don't remember the last time anyone I just met has ever told me that I had to be somewhere. ELI was a life changing experience. I emerged more confident, more mature, and with more friends than before. And I know now that I can and will make it in this industry. And that's a good thing.
But before I get into that, I'm going to go on a tangent to make my point more poignant. Today I've been kind of reflecting on my non-popularity so far in life. Hebrew School and Sunday School -- I basically had no friends. A few people would be nice to me, but I didn't speak their language well enough to really embed me in a group. My awkward social life got better after I befriended Mason during my musical theatre career in the chorus of Brigadoon. I found I could find one person in a group of already bonded strangers (but cassie fared better because she was cute and little and could actually dance and sing). I did that at camp too, but almost every year, I ended up befriending the one person everyone else hated, but no one hated me. People told me I had a stick up my ass until I came back from camp my last year there (summer of 99). That's the summer I had my first kiss. And even though it was horrible (think sour milk), it opened up something. And I became more outgoing. But I was still weird and awkward.
In high school and jr. high, I had my friends. I would even talk to the popular kids sometimes. Or eavesdrop on their convos in French class (lol, andrea). But I always feel awkward around a new group, especially a group of people who already knew each other and had already bonded. And usually I end up looking like a spaz. Or I can work with them, but not without a considerable degree of discomfort and feeling like the outsider. That's what happened during SPW.
And you know, I seriously thought I was not cut out for the film industry because people didn't get me. Or I didn't get them. But maybe I've matured since I've been here or it's everything i've "done" since my first kiss (my theory is that everyone would be happier if they got laid on a regular basis, lol). Maybe it's participating in AGG rush (on both ends) or all the f-ing interviews. I don't know. What I do know is, for the only time in my life aside from Jeopardy! I fit into an ENTIRE group of strangers from the second I walked in the door. I was recognized as an important part of the team. People didn't sneer at me when my back was turned because they thought I was too young or too flighty (um...right...but it's happened) or too inexperienced for a job. I was completely trusted with tasks.
Almost as soon as I set foot into the production office, I was asked to make a run to pick up makeup and make copies. I was given a 100 dollar bill. This person knew nothing about me, yet I was given cash and told to leave. It kind of astounded me. Then when I got back I was told: you and Jack are in charge of painting the hallway for a shot we need to do in an hour or so. "This is your baby," were the exact words. I was kind of glad I'm obsessed with the apprentice because I felt like a project manager. haha. when new production assistants came in, I delegated tasks to them. I gave updates to the production designer and asked him questions. But for once, I made decisions on my own and didn't nitpick about what people wanted. I surprised myself with my ability to trust my own decisions. And because I'm a people pleaser, that's a big thing for me. I didn't worry about what exactly I should buy and how much of it when I was asked to run to the grocery store. And that ability to trust my own decisions that will affect others, no matter how small, is huge for me.
The second day, I walk in and almost immediately, the 2nd AD (asst. director) says: everyone's telling me you're really doing a great job. People are high-fiving me in the hallways when I walk in. I feel like I actually matter. When I go to see what needs to be done, I get a hug and told to hang around. And I make conversation with complete strangers who already knew each other, and they cared about what I had to say. It's like all my awkward social moments in life are being made up for in a few days.
The third day there was less to do, and more time to socialize, and I did. And at the end of the day, I got hugs from everyone, including the 1st AD who I barely talked to at all. Also, I got a person who basically volunteered to be a "mentor," he gave me his number and e-mail and told me to call him anytime I wanted if I wanted to see what went on during pre-production through post for his directorial debut film. Or if I had questions or just to hang out. I gave my information to one of the writer/producers if he wanted to use me in another project. His response? "Yeah! Definitely!"
But the best part of the weekend was on the second day. I went on a run to pick up some pizzas and ended up taking about 2 hours due to Hilary Duff being an idiot and blocking off 25-30 blocks of downtown LA. When I got back I was in a horrible mood. And instead of people being pissed at me, they told me to relax, eat some wings and grab a beer. Which I did. I got hugs from everyone. I was told that they had a betting pool going on that if I got back after 7:30 they'd poor a container of water on me (and good thing i was wearing a white t-shirt...hahaha). I felt as if I wasn't at work anymore, but that I had joined part of a family. And I'm so glad I worked on that movie, because everyone on the crew is seriously like a 3rd family for me. (behind my actual family and AGG)
And the thing that cheered me up exactly an hour ago was that two people, about 1 minute apart from each other called me up to make sure I was going to the wrap party. The first guy that called me said "your presence is required." I don't remember the last time anyone I just met has ever told me that I had to be somewhere. ELI was a life changing experience. I emerged more confident, more mature, and with more friends than before. And I know now that I can and will make it in this industry. And that's a good thing.