(no subject)
Ok I have a question that is definitely TMI. I discussed it with one of my friends today, but he didn't really give me a response, more of just head nodding stuff. So here it is...
Ok that one year anniversary that passed on saturday was the one year anniversary of the first time I slept with the Italian. Anyway, now that this year has passed a lot of things have been presenting themselves.
The Italian always says he wants that part of our "relationship" to be no-strings attached. So sure, I failed on that end many many times. But now that I don't care as much anymore I'm noticing that I'm not the one placing the strings.
Examples:
There was a friend of ours that wanted to go out with me, nothing new really except that I was actually thinking of saying yes to try and get over the Italian. Later the Italian admitted to me that he'd be uncomfortable seeing me with another guy, saying it was his "macho complex" and that he wouldn't say anything, but try to get used to over it. He said it was the one and only time he'd ever mention it.
That same day that he admitted the above to me he admitted something else, that he had been getting off to think of me in one of the threesomes I had in my past. This is particularly important because of the reasoning behind it. When we first met and he broke up with his gf of 5 years he would tell me that sometimes the only way he could get off was to think of her with the guy he caught her in bed with. Which I could completely understand because i've had to do that sometimes too, when an angry orgasm is the only way to get one at all. So for him to think of me with other guys stands out a bit for me.
At the end of July he's taking me on vacation to Puerto Penasco in Mexico. It's just across the border from Arizona and he's always told me about all the students from ASU that look like Barbie and Ken dolls. Before he used to tell me about picking up an ASU guy. Now when I joke about it he tells me no, no, no. Strange, right? Here's one of the on-going joke/arguments...
Me: And I can't wait to get some of those hot ASU guys...
Him: *trying to hide pouty look* I don't think so
Me: Oh, come on... Who am I going home with?
Him: Them
Me: *raised brow* And whose car am I going back in? (cuz we're taking my car)
Him: Theirs
So it's kinda weird that he's gotten possessive over me. I like it. And these are just a few of the strings I've noticed he's attaching. There are still more.
Being the past we have he knows better than to make jokes about us getting together because i'd take them seriously. Recently I got this black dress that looks amazing on me. I tried it on for him and he went crazy. He kept telling me how good I looked and he said, "you keep dressing like that and I'd date you." So of course I assumed it was a joke and smiled with a, "Really?" Instead of a sarcastic remark he looked kinda like a kid caught sneaking a cookie from the jar. That was when I started to realize it wasn't a joke. Two days later I was wearing heels (another thing he's been trying to get me to wear more often) and again he told me how sexy I was and that if I kept dressing that way he'd have to date me. I didn't respond that time because it was just making the wheels in my head turn even more. And yes, since then i've been shopping for more dresses and heels to test his comments...and cuz I do feel pretty :)
I've finally gotten to the point in which when he does something I don't like I tell him to never talk to me again and I actually mean it. The next day he usually calls me pretending like nothing ever happened because before I used to be happy just that he was talking to me again. Now I tell him that I still haven't forgiven him and next thing I know he's GROVELING! I still didn't fall for it and told him his words weren't enough because I didn't feel they were sincere so he devoted his time to doing every thing he could possibly think of to make me happy...which leads to the final example...
He spent all of last weekend with me, never left my apartment until tuesday morning then ended up coming right back. The whole time he kept telling me how relaxed he was staying with me and how he'd never felt that way. He was always smiling and staying close to me. We were having sex like bunnies with NEVER happens with us. And before, during, after sex he would tell me how it's never been like that with anyone else and he knows it never will be either, how the things we do will only ever be with each other, and sometimes he even says that even after he gets in a serious relationship he knows he'd still want to get together once or twice a year to get me out of his system (which he knew I'd say no, but it was the underlying information that stood out).
Is it just me or is he the one attaching strings? I'm finally seeing things more clearly that i'm not head over heels for him anymore.
I once told Christina a theory she agreed with, and later a friend of mine named Kermit agreed with too (since he spends time with me and the Italian). Here's the theory: The Italian always told me that there can never be a friendship after a relationship ends and he's given me examples of all the relationships in his past. He's become SO dependent on my friendship, unable to even think of not having me around, and this feeling has only become stronger over time, I've always been more important to him than all his friends. My theory is that he's so afraid of losing me as a friend if something goes wrong in a relationship that it's easier for him to tell himself that we'll never have a relationship. I told him not long after we became so close, and I quote my text message, "You mean the world to me. I thought about it all and I won't give up on you. I can't. I'd rather go through the pain of losing you than you go through the pain of losing me. No matter the chances of either. So don't ever let me pull away because I'll regret it for the rest of my life." I think he interprets that in the sense that no matter how much I hurt I'll always be there because I don't want him to hurt.
It seems to all fit in a pretty little picture. Yet, at the same time it makes NO SENSE! Or at the very least HE makes no sense. But the way that I still see it is that he's the one with strings attached but he won't admit it and that he's scared of losing me.
I'm going to test his comment on dressing more girly and see what happens. I know it seems so very wrong that he would only date me if I change the way I dress, because believe me everyone has said it. But there is a theory behind that too... he's spent so much time saying that we could never have a relationship that now that he sees it as a possibility he can't just say ok because it would be like admitting he was wrong so he has to come up with an excuse for changing his mind. Does that make sense to anyone but me?
Ok, this has gone on for a very very long time. I've just had this on my mind for a LONG time and it's been gradually building over this past year. Yeah, I'll leave it at this now.
Ok that one year anniversary that passed on saturday was the one year anniversary of the first time I slept with the Italian. Anyway, now that this year has passed a lot of things have been presenting themselves.
The Italian always says he wants that part of our "relationship" to be no-strings attached. So sure, I failed on that end many many times. But now that I don't care as much anymore I'm noticing that I'm not the one placing the strings.
Examples:
There was a friend of ours that wanted to go out with me, nothing new really except that I was actually thinking of saying yes to try and get over the Italian. Later the Italian admitted to me that he'd be uncomfortable seeing me with another guy, saying it was his "macho complex" and that he wouldn't say anything, but try to get used to over it. He said it was the one and only time he'd ever mention it.
That same day that he admitted the above to me he admitted something else, that he had been getting off to think of me in one of the threesomes I had in my past. This is particularly important because of the reasoning behind it. When we first met and he broke up with his gf of 5 years he would tell me that sometimes the only way he could get off was to think of her with the guy he caught her in bed with. Which I could completely understand because i've had to do that sometimes too, when an angry orgasm is the only way to get one at all. So for him to think of me with other guys stands out a bit for me.
At the end of July he's taking me on vacation to Puerto Penasco in Mexico. It's just across the border from Arizona and he's always told me about all the students from ASU that look like Barbie and Ken dolls. Before he used to tell me about picking up an ASU guy. Now when I joke about it he tells me no, no, no. Strange, right? Here's one of the on-going joke/arguments...
Me: And I can't wait to get some of those hot ASU guys...
Him: *trying to hide pouty look* I don't think so
Me: Oh, come on... Who am I going home with?
Him: Them
Me: *raised brow* And whose car am I going back in? (cuz we're taking my car)
Him: Theirs
So it's kinda weird that he's gotten possessive over me. I like it. And these are just a few of the strings I've noticed he's attaching. There are still more.
Being the past we have he knows better than to make jokes about us getting together because i'd take them seriously. Recently I got this black dress that looks amazing on me. I tried it on for him and he went crazy. He kept telling me how good I looked and he said, "you keep dressing like that and I'd date you." So of course I assumed it was a joke and smiled with a, "Really?" Instead of a sarcastic remark he looked kinda like a kid caught sneaking a cookie from the jar. That was when I started to realize it wasn't a joke. Two days later I was wearing heels (another thing he's been trying to get me to wear more often) and again he told me how sexy I was and that if I kept dressing that way he'd have to date me. I didn't respond that time because it was just making the wheels in my head turn even more. And yes, since then i've been shopping for more dresses and heels to test his comments...and cuz I do feel pretty :)
I've finally gotten to the point in which when he does something I don't like I tell him to never talk to me again and I actually mean it. The next day he usually calls me pretending like nothing ever happened because before I used to be happy just that he was talking to me again. Now I tell him that I still haven't forgiven him and next thing I know he's GROVELING! I still didn't fall for it and told him his words weren't enough because I didn't feel they were sincere so he devoted his time to doing every thing he could possibly think of to make me happy...which leads to the final example...
He spent all of last weekend with me, never left my apartment until tuesday morning then ended up coming right back. The whole time he kept telling me how relaxed he was staying with me and how he'd never felt that way. He was always smiling and staying close to me. We were having sex like bunnies with NEVER happens with us. And before, during, after sex he would tell me how it's never been like that with anyone else and he knows it never will be either, how the things we do will only ever be with each other, and sometimes he even says that even after he gets in a serious relationship he knows he'd still want to get together once or twice a year to get me out of his system (which he knew I'd say no, but it was the underlying information that stood out).
Is it just me or is he the one attaching strings? I'm finally seeing things more clearly that i'm not head over heels for him anymore.
I once told Christina a theory she agreed with, and later a friend of mine named Kermit agreed with too (since he spends time with me and the Italian). Here's the theory: The Italian always told me that there can never be a friendship after a relationship ends and he's given me examples of all the relationships in his past. He's become SO dependent on my friendship, unable to even think of not having me around, and this feeling has only become stronger over time, I've always been more important to him than all his friends. My theory is that he's so afraid of losing me as a friend if something goes wrong in a relationship that it's easier for him to tell himself that we'll never have a relationship. I told him not long after we became so close, and I quote my text message, "You mean the world to me. I thought about it all and I won't give up on you. I can't. I'd rather go through the pain of losing you than you go through the pain of losing me. No matter the chances of either. So don't ever let me pull away because I'll regret it for the rest of my life." I think he interprets that in the sense that no matter how much I hurt I'll always be there because I don't want him to hurt.
It seems to all fit in a pretty little picture. Yet, at the same time it makes NO SENSE! Or at the very least HE makes no sense. But the way that I still see it is that he's the one with strings attached but he won't admit it and that he's scared of losing me.
I'm going to test his comment on dressing more girly and see what happens. I know it seems so very wrong that he would only date me if I change the way I dress, because believe me everyone has said it. But there is a theory behind that too... he's spent so much time saying that we could never have a relationship that now that he sees it as a possibility he can't just say ok because it would be like admitting he was wrong so he has to come up with an excuse for changing his mind. Does that make sense to anyone but me?
Ok, this has gone on for a very very long time. I've just had this on my mind for a LONG time and it's been gradually building over this past year. Yeah, I'll leave it at this now.