It was once called ignorance.
I walked into the familiar dressing room and first person I laid eyes on was you. It has always been amazing how you have that effect on me, when everything else around you and me seem to blur away, even my iPod in my ears fades off into nothingness. I feel short of breath, as if the air around me has thickened.
You turned and caught me staring at you. You threw me a grin and my heart skipped a beat, was that possibly a hint of pink that lined your cheeks? I nodded my head, trying to pretend indifference when in actual truth, I was calming my racing heart.
I greet the rest of them, getting my hair ruffled once or twice as I go along. At times, I secretly detest that I’m the youngest of the group because I’m always seen as the kid when in actual fact, I’m growing up too. But then, you always have been the kid as well. I looked at you as you laughed at a funny joke that Hikaru just cracked and how Yuto’s arm comfortably rests on your shoulder. I felt like yanking you away from there and holding you close to me.
Yamada plopped down on the sofa next to me, fully immersed in the comic he was reading. I leaned over to take a peek at what he was reading and from the corner of my eye, I saw you looking over as well. My mind went into overdrive.
How long have we been playing this game? Throwing looks at each other when we think the other’s not looking, or purposely standing in close proximity during dance or vocal practice. Everybody probably knows what’s going on, but everybody, just like us, are playing ignorant.
-
Dance practice is over and everybody’s back in the dressing room. The voices of 10 rowdy boys echoed off the wall, threatening to bring down the entire building. Our manager pops his head in and hand us a warning, as all of us try to swallow down our laughter.
Yamada and Yuto are packing their bags beside me, the 2 probably heading home together. Suddenly, Yuto spills the content of his wallet onto the floor and curses under his breath. Yamada gives out a small laugh and bends over helping Yuto gather up his stuff, a soft look in his eye that’s reserved only for Yuto. The latter grins sheepishly as he stuffs the remainder of his belongings into his bag and the 2 were out of the room with goodbyes trailing after them.
The room slowly clears out till it’s left with me and you. It’s always been like that. You waiting for your mum to pick you up, and me always being the last to bid you goodbye. Your phone suddenly rings and you answer it.
“Moshi moshi. Okaasan? ……. You can’t pick me up today? …… Oh it’s okay. I’ll walk home myself…… No really, it’s fine… Don’t overtire yourself too much as well….. Yeah I’ll see you at home. Bye.”
I look at you, a hint of disappointment flashes through your eyes but you get over it fast. The wheels of my mind suddenly start turning and before I know it, I asked,
"Want to walk to the bus stop together?”
You look at me, a smile slowly creeping over your face.
“Yeah, sure.”
We leave the building together, talking about the following week’s activities. It’s only when we walk next to each other like this do people realize that I’m actually taller than you, and that the gap would probably continue growing further.
We reach the bus stop, it’s quiet tonight and the light night breeze gently blows the hair into your eye. I instinctively reach up and push it back into place, an action which makes your blush. I look away immediately, realizing what I've just done. My heart thumps loudly against my chest, I take in a deep breath hoping to slow it down, but to no avail.
Suddenly I feel your hand take mine. My heart stops for a moment as I look down at our intertwined fingers. I slowly lift my gaze and I see you staring down at your feet, gently biting your lower lip in embarrassment. An uncontrollable grin forms on my face, my feelings for you growing exponentially at this point of time. Months of holding back my emotions were breaking through like a wave.
Then I said those 3 words that make you look up at me, your eyes dancing with happiness. You tipped toed and pressed your lips against mine, but only for a while. I smiled back down at you, not wanting to ever let go of your hand. But from a distance I saw your bus coming, I cursed silently in my head at the bad timing of its arrival.
We let go of our hands as the bus approaches, and you look back at me apologetically.
As you get onto the bus, I call out, “See you tomorrow, Chi.”
Your smile widens when you hear me call you by your nickname for the first time, and you look back and say, “See you tomorrow, Ryu-chan.”