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OFFICIAL GARRETT HEDLUND IS A BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL PERSON AND I AM GOING TO WATCH ALL OF HIS MOVIES EVEN IF THEY ARE SHIT REACTION POST
TROY
I feel that Cleolinda said it best when she said;
Some Island
ODYSSEUS: Hey, man, what up?
ACHILLES: Nothin' much [dodge, parry, stab]. Just teaching Patroclus [dodge, parry, dodge] to fight [stab].
ODYSSEUS: Lookin' good there, kid. What is he, your--
ACHILLES: Cousin. He's my cousin. Cousin. Totally my cousin. In conclusion: Cousin.
I mean, they are ALL OVER telling us how much they are cousins. It's very "HAVE I MENTIONED YET TODAY HOW HETEROSEXUAL I AM".
Totally cousins. Totally.
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Truthfully, I am fine ignoring the MASSIVE liberties they took with the story here. Like, oh, how Patroclus was older? And also an entirely capable fighter in his own right? And how NOTHING ELSE IN THE STORY IS ACCURATE. But whatever. I will watch Bratt Pitt thrust things at Garrett Hedlund in happy silence. Though, in my last watch, I turned the movie off after Patroclus died because suddenly I realized that I did not give a shit about anyone else. And this is one of those "Teacher is lazy, let's watch a historically inaccurate film!" high school deals, so I also had the pleasure of sitting through it in grade 11 history, which was, shit, four years ago. Jesus, I am old.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
I am actually just about to put this movie in for the first time, so lets have some pre-talk. These are the things I know about this movie:
- It is a football movies
- I hate football movies
- I dislike sports in general
- Billy Bob Thornton is in it
- He is pretty cool
- Tim McGraw is in it
- He is not cool
- This is Tim McGraws first major movie so his acting may be a bit ehn
- Tim McGraw loses his shit in this movie
- This is an example of The Trailers Ruin Everything
- I will spend the entire movie wishing to hug Garrett Hedlund
- High school football is not serious business
I remember seeing the trailer for this way back when. I had a friend who worked at the theatre, so we would watch movies for free. The trailer was before some other idiot sports movie. I hated the movie I was in, and I said, out loud, "I will never watch that. Sports movies suck." and lo, I was proven wrong.
Okay. Five minutes in and I'm antsy. Guys, come on. Football is not serious business. Babyface Garrett is presh, thou-- whoah. First appearance of Tim McGraw and how about you simmer down the dick, asshole? Seriously, you have uttered six words and already I hate you. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT A DICK REALLY STOP BEING SUCH AN ASS OH JESUS. WHOAH WE ARE DIALING UP THE ABUSE HERE. ;-; don't abuse garrett he is amazing...Okay now we are on to happier, boozier times. awww he's so cute talking about getting drunk and laid. ahahahahaah 80s highschool parties. You're so cute with your illicit teen make outs and your rubber tube/funnel combo. Aaaand this movie would not be complete without Billy Bob making sex eyes at someone's wife. Oh is race going to be a thing in this? Really? Oh shit. Well damn. 17 minutes in and already Garrett is getting some! Good for him! Though, I'm expecting a massive cockblock from His Majest the Dickwad. OH GOD OH GOD WATCHING YOUR SON GET LAID YOU CREEP WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK OH MY GOD JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM OH MY GOD NO STOP IT TIM MCGRAW YOU STOP IS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. ;-; okay. okay i am glad that is over because really now.
Okay mindless filler now. Only 25 minutes in. Getting up to the First Game which I assume they will lose so that they can triumph and learn the value of friendship and teamwork and good sportsmanship or whatever. God this movie. As someone who went to two really sports oriented highschools, damn, I dislike sports. They take away from money for actual academics, which was kind of, oh, THE POINT of school. Okay, back to the First Game.
Okay, so they won the game, but the cocky main sports dude, uhh, quarterback i think, fucked up his leg and Billy Bob is all Bad News Bear with the moral lowground. And damn but Garrett is fine. Seriously, that boy. Ladies and Gentlemen, Tim McDickface. And now we're getting to a lot of straight up footbally stuff and character development of people I don't care about, so just imagine me going lalalalalalalala lalalalalalalal alalalalalalalala lalalalalalala all over. And Garrett bby gets a touchdown like AWWW YEEEAH and Tim McDouchenozzle is all proud smile BUT NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK TIM YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. Oh, and a filler scene with boys in towels blow drying their hair. Lol forever. Okay blah blah blah people i don't care about bleee aaaaand now there's a big game. And Tim McJerkass continues to be a jerk and Garrett is presh, but not that great at football. OH OH DID YOU JUST CALL GARRETT MENTALLY CHALLENGED? GO SIT IN YOUR CORNER BILLY BOB AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE. Oh and they lost. Fuck. Does this mean we have to watch Garrett get beat? Because I will reach through this screen and through time to seven years ago and SLAP THE LIVING DAYLIGHT OUT OF TIM MCMORON. The guy who didn't catch the ball is crying and trying to give himself a concussion and another boy went over and hugged him and told him that it's alright. Awwwwwww! That was cute. And now it's a three way tie and they're going to flip a coin for it. Umm, why not roll a d6 like a regular human being? Someone in this movie just said "they're doing too much learning in those schools" really? really? Jesus christ. TIM MCASSHOLE. TRY NOT TO HIT THE HEAD OF THE MINOR WHO IS DRIVING THE VEHICLE THAT YOU ARE NOT WEARING A SEATBELT IN. IT SURE WOULD BE A TRAGEDY IF YOU WERE ROCKETED OUT OF THE CAR IN A ONE TWENTY TO ZERO STOP. WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP KICKING THE WINDOWS OUT WHAT THE FUCK. oh god he is dialing up the creepy to 11 please stop. just stop. oh god garrett is freaking out and it makes me want to sob oh my god. Okay no seriously guys, just roll some fucking d6s.
Okay, now this I can get behind. I really enjoy situations where things are reversed, and the parents are acting like the fucked up teenagers and the teenagers are just stone faced about it because they have had enough. This is obvious projecting, because I've had moments like that with both of my very fucked up, immature parents. When a younger person reaches a point where they realize that they cannot change their parents and that it isn't their job to, that some people are just fucked, and they take the emotional power back, I just smile and say "welcome to the club."
Okay, moving on, either everyone in those movie is a major shorty, or Garrett is A MILLION FEET TALL. Okay and blah blah injured guy blah blah not caring. Okay and now it is the playoffs. Well that was a handy little montage to get like, six games out of the way. Tim McGOTOYOURMOTHERFUCKINGCORNER seems to have chilled out a bit. Okay and at an hour and eleven minutes the racial issue that was ENTIRELY NONEXISTENT is now apparently a thing. Hilarious random shot of Walmart? Well okay then.
I feel as though I should take this moment to remind people that HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL IS NOT SERIOUS BUSINESS. For that matter, HIGH SCHOOL IS NOT SERIOUS BUSINESS. It is where you go to learn socialization skills. Nothing you learn in high school is relevant. You will miss high school, even if you hated it while you were there. You will get over it or you won't. It means nothing. Life is what you do with it, not what underpaid and overworked assholes with god complexes say it is. They do not control your life, you do. They will tear you down or build you up because they are people, too, and they may not like you. They will tell you that high school is super important. This is because they are stuck there. They did not get over it. It is not your entire life. It is four years. Maybe five. IIt is not life or death.
BOYS HOLDING HANDS! Glee! Okay, so the guys they're against are basically twenty-something genetically engineered brick shit house teenagers. Any use of the term "get your head in the game" reminds me of that terrible terrible song from the first High School Music, please do not ask me why I have seen that movie, it was a long time ago, and believe me, I regretted it then and I still do now. BOYS HOLDING HANDS! YAY! EVEN IN PRAYER, THEY'RE STILL HOLDING HANDS! Ehhhhn and now they're doing the out loud praying this which always makes me uncomfortable. Okay and game stuff game stuff. One boy just said "You and me baby" to Garrett, so that's happymaking. Yes, spellcheck I am aware that that is not a word, thanks. OH AND HE JUST DID A THING! HE SCORED! WHATEVER! IT'S EXCITING! I am digging the tactical use of the instrumental Cobrastyle. D: D: D: OH SHIT GARRETTBBY IS HURT OH NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP TIM MCCUNTPIMPLE YOU CANNOT SHAKE OFF A DISLOCATION. Oh wow he just bit a pillow while they relocated it and it looks like he's done some pillow biting in his time. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. (in conclusion: cousins) AAAAND GAME. People keep calling Garrett baby. Which, yeah. I do, too. GO GO GO GARRETT YOU CAN DO IT GO GO GO ohh shit did they lose? The music says they lost. And Tim Mc...what? They're hugging? He's not being a dick? (PS, are you guys cousins? Because that is not a daddy/son hug.)
Okaaay, moving on. It's sad, because they lost. Aaaand everyone is praying again...and they're still hugging? Guys? Uhhh. And why is this movie not over? They lost. It was sad. Or is there a concluding moment of them being all team worky? Okay, yeah, basically the guys are like "see you around. I mean, it's only December and we still have senior year together, but this is totally goodbye." and fade to black.
I will probably never watch that movie again, but it was alright. Garrett is pretty.
FOUR BROTHERS
I finished Friday Night Lights about two hours ago, so time to start on the next movie, Four Brothers. This is another movie where I definitely singled out the trailer and declared that I would not see it. This is on account of Mark Wahlberg and me not liking a single role he's done since The Italian Job. Things I know about this movie are:
- Mark Wahlberg is in it
- That one guy form Transformers is in it
- The original Rhodey is in it
- GARRETT GARRETT GARRETT
- People get shot
- This includes an old lady
So lets get this show on the road.
Pro-tip: Your movie is not hardcore unless a little old lady dies in the first three minutes. The gunmen are all "BLACK STEREOTYPE WHAT WHAT" and then fade to outside shot. OMG GARRETT! HE IS SO PRESH! And oh look! The boys in this movie are all over him, too! Srsly even the doods want him. OH HIS FACE. DON'T CRY BBY. God that's what I love about him. He is so expressive, so beautiful. His tears are very sadmaking. Oh, hey, rollcall.. Bobby! The bitchy one! Garrett! The pretty one! Jerry! The family guy! Angel! That guy from Transformers. Oh man Garrett is so pretty.
OH LOL BOBBY JUST CRACKED A GAY JOKE AT GARRETT! Oh lol Angel's all over him too! Everyone loves the Garrett bby. Awwwww Wahlberg is crying! Muffin! Men! Showing emotion! And Garrett is the reigning king of emotion. Awww they're all being emotional. Aaaand he just cracked another gay joke. Seriously, is Garrett legit homo? He's playing a guitar, too. :D these guys are cute. Oh god I take it back, Mark Wahlberg is fucking BRINGING IT and bringing it hard. God DAMN. OH GARRETT IS LAUGHING I LOVE IT WHEN HE LAUGHS. Oh my lol now Garrett is cooking a turkey and he's all decked out in fucking spikes and black jeans and tattoos and...red oven mitts. Hee! And his HAIR. OH HEY BOYS WRESTLING. AWW BOYS HOLDING HANDS. There's a lot of that going around. OH OH OH GARRETTS FACE. OH MY GOD.
Baby! *Wibble* They're all down for Thanksgiving dinner and hallucinating about their dead adoptive mom, the sweet old lady who got shot at 3:12. Their mom is coming off as freakishly sexual for a 60 year old lady. OH SHIT OH SHIT DID HALLUCINOMOMMY JUST INFER THAT GARRETT GOT RAPED? D: OH FFFF. BABY. Oh hey, they're playing hockey. Moar sports? But Garrett manages to be a straight up rocker while on skates. And a third gay joke! And all babyface says is "DAMNIT BOBBY" and...nothing else? Oh wow his hilar hair is hilar. AND MORE GAY JOKES. Lolling at Wahlberg forever.
Okay, we've had five gay jokes in 23 minutes. I take it that Garrett is actually gay in this. He's such a greaser, I love it. Dat ass, dat hair, dose tats. Whoo man. OKAY SIX GAY JOKES, and now he's all "HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I LIKE BOOBS? BECAUSE I LIKE BOOBS. A LOT OKAY." And in the next scene...ANOTHER GAY JOKE. God damn, Wahlberg is on Garrett constantly. And not even in the fun way. Okay. You know how I said that I can't respect Mark Wahlberg? I take it back. I can't respect any artistic choice he has made in the last three years. Because this is actually awesome. And they bust in and threaten to light people on fire and are basically being loudmouthed and badass and Garrett walks away swinging a tire iron going "Hope you all have a very nice evening." like a fucking boss oh my god get in my pants boy because that was legit.
Garrett is a million feet tall, and he stands with his hips pressed forwards. God damn that is kind of hot. AWW HE JUST GAVE HIMSELF A LITTLE HUG. :D :D :D And now they are watching the video of their mom getting shot and he is just so expressive and so open with his emotions. Oh my user, what a sweetheart. Babyface has cried in three out of four movies that I've seen him in and I know that he cries in Country Strong, so that's like, four for eight. Oh and now they're doing some badass stunt involving guns probably. oh god hnnng Garrett's voice. He's singing! HE IS SINGING. GUNS GUNS ARE HAPPENING. MORE GUNS ARE HAPPENING. Jesus this movie is so violent. Really. Wahlberg just said "YOU GO GIRL" to Garrett. Man, that is eight gay jokes and he has only flipped out about one of them. SNOWSTORM CAR CHASE AWWWWW YEEEAH hee Garrett's hair wilted since the last scene. Bitch you just rammed a fucking El Camino. I don't care if the guys driving it are dicks, that is a nice fucking car. OH SHIT OH SHIT YOU JUST ROLLED AN EL CAMINO WITH THE ASS END OF A FUCKING OLDSMOBILE SHIT THAT WAS SO AWESOME AND YET CARRR BUT OH MY GOD AMAZING OH SHIT. Garrett's hair keeps resurrecting itself and dying. Oh wow they just fucking popped the guys. Shit son. And Garrett is all sadfaise again.
Boys, it is 44 minutes into the movie. There is no way you avenged your mom already. Sorry, but I'm sensing at least another gang shoot out, a dirty cop, and Garrett still has to die. Another gay joke, but Garrett isn't in the room to go all "LET ME TELL YOU, AUDIENCE, HOW MUCH I VERY LIKE THE PUSSY." so I suppose I will only count it a little. eheehehehehehehehe Garrett is such a bamf. Oh weird. Transformers guy and his random mexican girlfriend and fucking on the washing machine. Also, apparently one of the brothers is crooked? Figures. Okay, so Garretts in the shower, Wahlberg has his pants around his ankle on the shitter and Tyrese Gibson walks in for a chat. In conclusion: brothers. And he just called Garrett a "cockologist". AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD AHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE SHIT AHAHAHAHAH
Okay, so Tyrese wants to know if there's something wrong with his dick after giving Mexican chick a good fucking, and Wahlberg goes "ask the cockologist in the shower." and Garrett leans out of the shower, takes a look at the guys dick, and goes "rugburn." like he didn't just get an eyefull of his brothers dick. ahahahahahaha loling forever. mmmm showering Garrett. Mmmm. eek! DAT FUCKING ASS IN ALL IT'S NAKED GLORY. Okay, and now they're shaking down a government official and he makes ANOTHER crack at him being gay! Oh wow, they're playing oldschool Kanye in this movie. That's hilar. Remember back when he was a legitimate artist? Yeah, me neither.
Blah blah gang guys blee get back to the shooting and the awesome. I'm not actually in this for the plot. Okay drama drama Garrett is still gorgeous. Except that I keep expecting him to die, so that blows. Aaaaand there he goes gettin shot. Fuck. D: awww he's screaming for Bobby and he can't get to him. ;-; oh noes baby why you gotta die. OH GOD BOBBY THE BOY IS DYING AND YOU ARE CALLING HIM A FAIRY? REALLY?
This movie is now inaccurate. It's three brothers. OH SHIT. NOW THE GOOD COP GOT DEAD. Well. Did not expect that one. blah blah blah plot. Doods are gunna get shot. Okay, bad guy is dead, remaining brothers are badass, brb crying for Garrett.
Okay verdict is: damn fine movie and you should watch it, truly.