(no subject)
This is my first day off in a long time, excluding being brought back to Connecticut to go to the doctor, as well as Thanksgiving break. I think an extensive livejournal entry is kind of necessary.
This semester has been a shitstorm. If you don't know from actually speaking to me, it's kind of obvious from cryptic, comment-disabled journal posts. It's been hard for me to spit out what's been going on and what's wrong because I've done so many things I can't believe I did.
I don't know where it all shifted because there were so many times I had "revelations", though I still don't know how genuine many of them were. But, I think I've always known.
I let delusion, imagination, selfishness, suffering, and most of all, fear get to me.
Not just get to me.
Fuck with me.
I'm pretty sure I cried every day from September to a week ago. I stopped going to class. I stopped caring. I stopped enjoying. And, it was all because I fooled myself. I tried to be independent when I was just being proud. I had cut myself off from the presence in my life that has made me the happiest.
I've never had more drama with one person.
I've never cried so hard and so much with one person.
I've never screamed at one person so much.
I've never ran away from one person so much.
But, I've never loved one person so much.
And, I've never had one human being love me so unconditionally.
He sees me.
I don't think many couples would have gotten through any of this. Even a day of it.
That's why, no matter what has gone on the past few months, or with who, it's always just been about us.
There's something there I can't put my finger on.
We have something no one can fuck with.
And, most importantly, I will never fuck with it again.
I'm really terribly painfully in love with Jake Viator.
For all my sad, stupid attempts at finding sexual and personal identity, it was always just right there. About a day after Jake and I got back together, I finally spoke to my mom about her relationship with my father. Backstory: They're still together, they're best friends, and an unusually healthy couple. My father is doing extended business in England and my mother is dropping her life to live there with him. They can't be apart. I have an insane amount of respect for their relationship.
She said, "The right man will make you a better person."
I don't define myself by my relationship with Jake, but he augments every truly good quality I have. I am a very lucky girl.
On that note, the Thanksgiving break was good for so many things.
Seeing Danielle (that, in itself, is just a huge deal. I'm in love with that girl).
Having my first Thanksgiving as a vegan, which was PLENTIFUL. I ate so much.
Jess calling me at 12:30 am to go for a drive. We all know what that means. We picked up Nick (who I haven't seen since he moved back to CT from Wyoming) and talked and it was like old times in a fresh way.
Bobby (crying alone in a theater).
Driving the foresty New England streets, both major and backroads. I really do define myself by where I'm from.
Picking up Jake at his brother's house.
BAJA FRESH.
FOREVER 21.
Hanging out with my sister, watching Baraka. Ohmygod.
Falling asleep on the couch.
The bus.
Boston.
Melissa Aquino & Pho Pasteur two days in a row.
There is a healing process, but I'm just so happy.
This semester has been a shitstorm. If you don't know from actually speaking to me, it's kind of obvious from cryptic, comment-disabled journal posts. It's been hard for me to spit out what's been going on and what's wrong because I've done so many things I can't believe I did.
I don't know where it all shifted because there were so many times I had "revelations", though I still don't know how genuine many of them were. But, I think I've always known.
I let delusion, imagination, selfishness, suffering, and most of all, fear get to me.
Not just get to me.
Fuck with me.
I'm pretty sure I cried every day from September to a week ago. I stopped going to class. I stopped caring. I stopped enjoying. And, it was all because I fooled myself. I tried to be independent when I was just being proud. I had cut myself off from the presence in my life that has made me the happiest.
I've never had more drama with one person.
I've never cried so hard and so much with one person.
I've never screamed at one person so much.
I've never ran away from one person so much.
But, I've never loved one person so much.
And, I've never had one human being love me so unconditionally.
He sees me.
I don't think many couples would have gotten through any of this. Even a day of it.
That's why, no matter what has gone on the past few months, or with who, it's always just been about us.
There's something there I can't put my finger on.
We have something no one can fuck with.
And, most importantly, I will never fuck with it again.
I'm really terribly painfully in love with Jake Viator.
For all my sad, stupid attempts at finding sexual and personal identity, it was always just right there. About a day after Jake and I got back together, I finally spoke to my mom about her relationship with my father. Backstory: They're still together, they're best friends, and an unusually healthy couple. My father is doing extended business in England and my mother is dropping her life to live there with him. They can't be apart. I have an insane amount of respect for their relationship.
She said, "The right man will make you a better person."
I don't define myself by my relationship with Jake, but he augments every truly good quality I have. I am a very lucky girl.
On that note, the Thanksgiving break was good for so many things.
Seeing Danielle (that, in itself, is just a huge deal. I'm in love with that girl).
Having my first Thanksgiving as a vegan, which was PLENTIFUL. I ate so much.
Jess calling me at 12:30 am to go for a drive. We all know what that means. We picked up Nick (who I haven't seen since he moved back to CT from Wyoming) and talked and it was like old times in a fresh way.
Bobby (crying alone in a theater).
Driving the foresty New England streets, both major and backroads. I really do define myself by where I'm from.
Picking up Jake at his brother's house.
BAJA FRESH.
FOREVER 21.
Hanging out with my sister, watching Baraka. Ohmygod.
Falling asleep on the couch.
The bus.
Boston.
Melissa Aquino & Pho Pasteur two days in a row.
There is a healing process, but I'm just so happy.