FIC: Only Forward (AI RPF, Kris/Katy, Kris/Adam, NC-17, 2/2)

[cjmarlowe]

Part One | Master Post


They tried it first with the piano but it felt too disconnected, the instrument forming some kind of emotional and acoustic barrier. It always had though, and Kris had known it was going to before he ever sat down.

"Just your guitar," said Adam. "Just you and me and your guitar, Kris, and see how it sounds. You're always so amazing when you strip it back."

"So are you," said Kris, then grinned at him as he added, "not that you do that very often."

"What, the glittery cape and orchestra in my last show weren't subtle enough for your tastes?"

Kris just snorted and fooled around with the intro a couple of times until he came up with something that felt good, that had Adam nodding along with it. Adam pulled up a stool so that they were sitting side by side, and the next time Kris ran it through he kept going right into the song.

It would take some work to get their voices to blend just right - the one big roadblock that had always existed, though they were closer than they used to be - but the energy, the resonance, the emotion, already they had that down. They had that down without even trying.

"I'm not sorry I've forgotten our last lifetime, because I get to discover you all over again," said Adam, echoing the lyric a little curiously.

"It's something Katy said to me once," said Kris. "That even if we were together in a dozen other lifetimes, she's glad she doesn't remember them because that would ruin all the fun. That even after you get close to someone, even after you get comfortable, the best part is that you never run out of new things to learn."

Adam smiled at his hands, and looked more sad than he should've. "I'm sorry I messed it all up," he said, startling Kris with the direction his thoughts had taken. "I didn't think it through very well. It was supposed to fix things, not break them."

"You didn't mess everything up in the first place," said Kris, and felt like he should kick himself for ever making Adam feel like it was.

"Sure," said Adam, like Kris was just saying that to placate him. "And I know, we're only looking forward, right? But it's been in the back of my head and I just wanted to tell you, because we never talked about it. Even when we talked about it, we never really talked about it. We just pretended it never happened."

"I never pretended it didn't happen," said Kris, but he might as well have for all he'd talked about it with Adam. "I didn't mean to."

"I kissed you and everything changed."

It didn't change a lot, just a little, the moment a small and quiet one instead of huge and monumental. Everything did change, but just enough that nothing ever quite fit again after that.

"It did," said Kris, and licked his lips and hoped Katy would forgive him for talking about this. Because choosing not to talk about it now wouldn't be an oversight or an accident, it would be deliberately choosing to let Adam keep carrying this burden. "But not in the way you think."

Adam was silent, obviously thinking about it and just as obviously unsure of what Kris was saying.

"You never gave me a chance to say it," said Kris, "and I'm glad I never had that chance back then, because it made me really face up and deal with it, with Katy. But it was never about you having feelings for me, it was about me having feelings for you."

"Kris, I...." Adam started, but for once seemed truly at a loss for words.

"I kind of accidentally fell in love with you," said Kris, "and I didn't even understand that was what happened until that moment. Until you kissed me and ended it. But it's not.... You got serious with Drake, right after. And me and Katy, we got some counseling, we worked it out."

Adam looked even more uncertain now, and while Kris expected him to need a little time to take in the revelation, he'd expected a little more relief and a little less horror. Adam licked his lips and opened his mouth a couple of times before actually managing to ask what was on his mind.

"The kind of counseling where they convince you that you don't actually have feelings for other men?"

Oh. "Not that kind of counseling," said Kris quickly. "Marriage counseling. The feelings for other men thing...." He shrugged and realized that huh, he was actually sort of coming out for the first time since Katy. "I'm actually pretty fine with that. It was a surprise, but not a huge deal. The problem was that I was married. I'd already chosen the person I was going to be with, and even if I fell in love with you, I never fell out of love with Katy. I'm sorry. I should have told you a long time ago."

Adam nodded, but it seemed to say 'I'm listening' more than 'I agree with you'. "Or maybe," he said a moment later, "telling me a long time ago would've been a disaster and now is just finally the right time."

"Are you mad?"

Adam sighed and shook his head. "Everything makes a lot more sense now," he said. "I wish I'd known, but I get why I wasn't the right person to talk to about this. Katy was okay with it?"

It was Kris's turn to hesitate. "Yes," he said finally. "It was hard for us, for a while. We didn't really know how to deal with it, and so much was happening at once, but we worked it out. I've loved her since I was sixteen for a reason, you know? She gets me."

"Good," said Adam. "Wow, okay. So it wasn't me."

"I think it was sort of a mutual pushing away, at the time," said Kris slowly, breathing a little sigh of relief when Adam nodded. It had been such an awkward time, both of them a little adrift, best friends with their private struggles trying to pretend there was nothing wrong. "I didn't know how else to handle it."

"I don't believe in regrets," said Adam, "so if we pushed away then, let's just keep on pulling back to make up for it."

"No regrets," said Kris. "Everything worked out for us."

"And right now we have a song to get together," said Adam. "From the top, Kristopher."

"From the top," he agreed, and launched into things all over again.

:::

The album was all but done, which surprised no one more than Kris. Somehow it all just came together at once, and maybe Katy was right. No, of course Katy was right. When Kris wasn't fighting his instincts, things really did start to fall into place. And when things fell into place he was able to direct his energy to where it was needed most.

And now Kris had one track left to record before he had an album he was proud of, which of course meant he was in the guest bedroom rolling joints while Adam cracked a window.

"I need to play the new tracks for you," he said, licking and sealing and twisting and then holding it his arm so Adam could take it and light it. "I swapped out a couple of the older songs and it's really tight now, it really says what I want it to say."

He could add 'unlike last time' but he figured, with Adam if with no one else, he didn't have to point that out.

"I'm glad they figured out what you're best at," he said, sitting in the wicker chair by the window and taking a hit.

"I think it's more like they figured out what people wanted out of me," said Kris, sticking another joint in his shirt pocket and then packing the baggie away before joining him over there. "Sincerity sells."

"Your sincerity sells," said Adam, passing the joint over as Kris perched himself on the hope chest at the end of the bed. "So do you have them here with you, or are you just being a tease?"

"Mm, on my iPod, in my pocket," said Kris, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Adam rummage around behind him for a couple of minutes before asking. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for your iPod!" said Adam. If it were possible to hear an eyeroll, Kris was pretty sure he was hearing one right then. "Which pocket?"

"My pants pocket," he said, pushing his hips up off his seat just enough for someone to get their hand inside and pull it out. A moment later he figured out that someone was supposed to be him. "It's just a rough mix."

He offered both the iPod and the joint, and after a moment of thought Adam took the iPod, motioning for Kris to enjoy the joint a little longer. "Your drug of choice to make up for our night of beer and debauchery."

"My liver thanks you," said Kris, taking another hit while Adam scrolled through his playlists. "It's called 'Kris Allen is Awesome'," he said, and enjoyed watching Adam's expression change from absent protest to amusement as he discovered that Kris had, in fact, called the playlist exactly that. "Tracks ten and eleven."

"Kris Allen is Awesome?"

"I was feeling pretty good when I finally got them down," he said, and as soon as Adam was settled in with the music Kris finally passed the joint over. He shut up after that, watching Adam smile and bob his head, and smiling and bobbing his head along with him as he made a guess as to what parts he was hearing.

"You know, I liked your first album," said Adam when he took the earbuds out, "it was pretty sick. But this...this is you. I mean, this is the you I know, I used to know."

"You still know him," said Kris. "Know me, I mean. I'm still that guy."

"Yeah, you are," said Adam, handing the iPod back then putting his feet up on the hope chest next to Kris's thighs. "And I feel like when you put this out there, other people are going to get to know him too."

"Yeah," said Kris and chuckled nervously. "It's a little scarier when you put it that way."

"It's just so honest," said Adam earnestly. "I mean, it sounds great too, you know you've got a gift for that, but to me it's like you're a whole person on this album instead of pieces of a person. Does that make sense?"

"Not really?" said Kris, taking the joint back from Adam when it was offered. "I mean, yes, but...wait, what was the question?"

Adam smiled at him and a breeze fluttered the curtains beside him. "Your album is great, Kris, don't change a thing."

They didn't manage to get any work in after that, but then Kris felt like they were pretty much ready to head into the studio anyway.

:::

"I've got this thing tomorrow," said Kris, rummaging through the walk-in closet which was three quarters Katy's clothes and one quarter Kris's shirts, even though it was designed to be a his-and-hers. Given Kris's fashion sense, it was more a hers-and-hers with a few traces of his here and there, but definitely by mutual agreement. "That you're going to be able to come to with me, right?"

"The awards thing? Of course," she said. She wasn't the sort to forget about that kind of thing, or book work to conflict with it if she could help it. "I've already picked out a dress."

"Afterwards I thought I might see if I could catch up with Adam. He's supposed to get back from New York around eleven. That's all right, isn't it?"

"You've got more work to do?" she said, unerringly pulling the white shirt Kris was obviously looking for out from amongst everything else and handing it over.

"Just, you know, some last minute things to hash out before we record it on Thursday," said Kris. "I don't know when we'll have another chance before we're actually in the studio."

"It's fine," Katy assured him. "Should we take separate cars?"

"No," said Kris, then after a moment of thought, "actually, that would be convenient, but wouldn't it look bad?"

"You can drop me off at home after, then," said Katy. "It's not that far out of your way."

And she didn't doubt that Kris really did believe he needed to see Adam one more time before they recorded the duet. She didn't doubt that at all. But it wasn't because they needed to work on the song, and it wasn't because they needed to rehearse it any more. Katy had a very good idea why Kris needed to see him, but she didn't think Kris knew.

And maybe, for now, that was okay.

"That could work," he said. "Unless they get us a car. It's not really that kind of thing, though."

"Too bad," she said. "Having someone else to drive us is always kind of fun, after a couple of glasses of wine."

Kris hung the shirt off the closet door and swung her around to kiss her up against her summer dresses. "What about before a couple of glasses of wine?"

"Before a couple of glasses of wine we don't need to climb into the back seat of a car," she said, hooking a finger through the waistband of his boxer shorts and holding him there. "We've hardly seen each other lately."

"I know," said Kris, kissing her again, one hand at the small of her bare back, just sliding down into her jeans. "With the album, and meetings, and Adam, and...."

"And filming and auditions," she added, because it wasn't just him. "Good thing you're so cute, huh?"

"I'm more than just a pretty face," said Kris, his other hand roaming up to her bra clasp. "I don't have any plans for tonight, though. You?"

Given that Kris was in his underwear, and Katy hadn't even put a shirt on yet, odds were good that neither of them was going anywhere.

"I think I do now," she said, letting him unhook it and slide it off her arms. She would've started on her jeans but then Kris slid a hand between her legs overtop of them, cupped her and rubbed a little through the fabric. "Boy do I now."

"Kind of been wanting to do this all day," he admitted, reaching up with his other hand to cup her breast and graze his thumb over her nipple.

"Come on, let me get out of these," she said, scrabbling for the zipper of her jeans. "It'll take two seconds, I swear."

It took him a moment, kissing the side of her neck and finally rubbing just right against her clit through the rough fabric, before he stepped away and she desperately yanked her jeans and panties off, throwing them to the back of the closet. Kris's shorts joined them a moment later before he pressed back in, his thigh between her legs this time and both hands on her breasts as he kissed her again.

"Have I told you in the last few minutes that I love you?"

"If your mouth isn't too busy to talk, you're not trying hard enough," she said, biting down on his lower lip while it was in such tempting close range. "If you wanted to take this slow, you would've led me back to the bed."

"Could still carry you," he said, but he made no move to do any such thing, and he took her advice to shut up and put out, mouthing down the side of her neck to her collarbone. She lifted one knee to run up and down the outside of his thigh and let him press in closer, kissing and sucking her nipples and driving her absolutely crazy with want.

No matter what else was going on in their lives, Kris had always been able to make her feel like this. She couldn't imagine a world in which they didn't want each other this much.

She was so, so wet when she finally shoved a dozen dresses to the side, kicked a few pairs of shoes out of their way and exposed just enough wall for Kris to lift her up against. She wrapped her legs around his waist, desperate for leverage, and Kris finally slid into her.

She refused to close her eyes even when he did, watching every twitch of his muscles, watching every expression that crossed his face as he held her there, strong and steady, and they fucked up against the closet wall. He was, and always would be, the best thing that ever happened to her.

He was gasping in her ear before long, hands sweaty against her ass and thighs, mouth moving from her ear to her throat again. He left little kisses wherever he could reach until she arched her back and he latched onto her breasts again. She tried to say something but when she opened her mouth she just let out a soft cry as he thrust into her a little harder.

"Kris," she managed to get out, right before he sank his fingers into her skin and pulled her onto him, and she felt sparks beginning to shoot along her nerves.

"I love you," he said, and it seemed so silly that that was what did it for her, but he timed that last breathy word right when her orgasm started. Her breath caught and she felt almost dizzy as it buzzed through her, as Kris continued to hold her tight and pant against her skin as he thrust into her.

"Oh," he said, "Oh," and his lips slid against her skin as he shuddered and came.

It was a few moments before he let her down, slipped out of her and pressed his face to her throat as he caught his breath. As they both caught their breath.

"You're not cleaning up on one of my dresses," she said finally. "Just so you know."

Kris laughed and lifted his head and gave her a soft kiss. "Okay, now we can move this to the bed," he said, and Katy thought that sounded like a wonderful idea.

:::

Katy isn't happy about it, but she's not mad about it either, and that's something. Kris isn't really happy about it either, so that gives them a place to start.

"I think maybe it's just because I've never accepted having these kinds of feelings before," says Kris, "and once I do, once I can shrug my shoulders and say hey, guys can be hot too, then my feelings for him will just...fade."

"Is that really what you think, Kris?" she says, dubious at best.

"It's really what I think," he says. "If...you think you can be okay with that."

"That's not even a question, Kris," she says instantly. "You know I'm not like that. If that's what it is, if you're sure, then we can...we can do this."

"I have been in love with you for so long, Katy, and nothing's going to change that," he says, reaching for her hands and holding them both to his chest. "This is just something that we have to get through. I promise. Nothing's going to change."

:::

Someone brought them the details of the live concert in Florida but Kris didn't quite notice whether it was his management or Adam's, not because he was being a jerk but because he was obsessing over some last minute changes to the arrangement.

"Hey," said Adam, squeezing his shoulder. "Hey, stop. Stand up."

"What?"

"Stand up," he said again, and Kris obediently did, leaving his notes on the chair he vacated. "Okay, good." Then instead of taking him somewhere, or doing any work, Adam just wrapped his arms around him. Never one to turn down a good hug, Kris just squeezed him back, face pressed to Adam's chest and breathing in the clean scent of laundry and deodorant.

"Stop messing with it," said Adam. "It's great. When we're on stage, that's when we can change it up."

"And you will," said Kris.

"Oh, you know I will," said Adam as people moved past them on both sides, setting up and talking into thin air and just going about their business. "But today you and I've got this down."

"We do," Kris agreed, still clutching at him long after Adam let go. "I don't know why I'm so worked up about this."

"Because it matters to you," said Adam.

"To us," insisted Kris, and patted Adam's ass as they were finally herded inside to begin recording.

And it was good. It was great. It was everything Kris didn't realize it could be before they started this, when he thought they were too many miles apart in sound and style and personality to make a song work. He should have known that it would be more than the sum of its parts.

"Take twenty, guys," Kris heard, and without even identifying who was saying it he pulled Adam out of the room, trying to find an empty space. They were done, he knew they were done. They just needed someone to confirm they were done, that they'd nailed it.

"In here," he said, and didn't care that there were no chairs in the room, that the walls were bare, that it was obviously not meant to be used for anything other than maybe storage. Adam got him, though, and just laughed as he landed his messenger bag on the floor between them and sat down with his legs stretched out in front of him.

"If anyone asks," he said, "we're not hiding."

"Hard to hide without leaving the country," said Kris, sitting cross-legged on the floor and rummaging through Adam's bag, just because it was there. "And even that's not a sure thing."

"Tell me about it," said Adam, watching him curiously and picking at his nail polish and looking anywhere but at the industrial clock on the wall. "Maybe Antarctica."

"Hey, quit that," said Kris, reaching for Adam's hand to stop him. "And you can't get lost on a continent where there's only one place you can be."

He caught Adam's startled, maybe uncertain, look when he did it, but dismissed it just as quickly as he reached back into the messenger bag. He'd already discovered where Adam kept the bottle of nail polish and didn't even stop to think about it when he pulled it out and started touching up the polish on Adam's thumb. He knew enough now to know it would have been better to start it from scratch, but given the circumstances he figured he was doing a decent patch job.

"So are we still on for tomorrow?" he said as he worked. "Saturday night hanging out with me instead of going clubbing with some boy toy? I'm flattered."

"I don't even have a boy toy right now," said Adam. "Which you know."

Kris did look up at that, Adam's words a little terse. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," said Adam, though his hand was unnaturally still in Kris's. "Anyway, half my friends are up in San Francisco for Cassidy's thing this weekend anyway, which obviously I couldn't make it to. I wished him luck before my radio interview this morning."

"In which you confessed to crushes on half of Hollywood," said Kris, moving efficiently down his hand. "You could've had a dozen dates just by turning around and you know it. Of course, that's always been true."

"They completely blindsided me with that checklist," protested Adam. "I think I might've said I would sleep with Angelina Jolie at one point. Which, in case you were wondering, could not be further from the truth."

"Ew, girl cooties," Kris teased him as he reached for Adam's other hand. "She's probably more my type than yours."

"I hate to break it to you," said Adam, "but Angelina Jolie is about as far from Katy as you can get, in both personality and looks."

"Okay, yeah, I agree on personality," said Kris, "but as for looks...I guess small and blonde isn't my only type, you know? Tall and dark is good too."

Adam fell silent then as Kris worked his way through his other hand, which Kris thought was a comfortable silence until he looked up and saw the expression on Adam's face. Maybe he was more sorry that he was letting on, having to always miss his friends' performances on account of his own career. Maybe his single status was getting under his skin more than he let on. Or maybe he was just ready to get out of the studio for the night.

"What are you doing?" Adam said finally, after Kris went back to work.

"Your nails?" said Kris, looking up at him again in confusion. "Katy lets me do hers all the time now."

"Yes, Katy does," said Adam. "Katy's your wife."

"I know Katy's my wife," said Kris, finishing the tip of Adam's pinky finger and finally letting go. "Which is probably why she let me mangle them till I got it right. I mean, I'm just painting your nails, it's not weird."

"It's intimate," said Adam, still watching him as he capped the nail polish and put it away again.

"I had my hand on your ass an hour ago and this is intimate?" said Kris, still struggling to keep this light. "It's just how we are."

"You're handsy with everyone," said Adam. "This is something new."

"Everything about us is something new. I think we threw away rules a long time ago. It's just nail polish. Our friendship is practically founded on nail polish."

"Forget the nail polish," said Adam. "It's just...symbolic. Kris, believe me, it's killing me a little to say this, but...okay, you said you and Katy worked all this stuff out a long time ago. You told me that everything's fine between you now. But the thing is, you don't have to be having sex to be cheating. Sometimes it's not about that."

"What? Adam, we're not--"

"Aren't we? If I kissed you again right now, what would happen?"

Kris looked at Adam's eyes, then at his mouth, and suddenly understood exactly what he meant. "Oh, fuck," he breathed, and this time around neither one of them was in the dark about what was going on.

:::

He couldn't just not say anything. After everything they'd been through, after how hard they'd worked, he couldn't do that to her. He'd been able to do this once, so he could do it again now. No matter how much it might hurt both of them.

"Kris, what is it?" she said before he could even get a word out, taking his arm and leading him to sit down on the pale cream couch in the living room.

Kris didn't say anything for a moment, wringing his hands in his lap, then he looked up at her and his voice cracked when he said, "I'm in love with Adam."

Katy's eyes were soft, and she didn't even look surprised. It was everything and nothing like the conversation they'd had two years ago, in a hotel in New York City.

"Yeah," she said after a moment. "Yeah, okay."

He wasn't crying, didn't really ever cry, but his head felt thick like he wanted to get it out somehow but couldn't. Everything just felt weird, the heaviness of the confession tangling with the intensity of his love for her, and for him.

"I don't know what to do."

"Does he know this time?" she asked him. Last time she'd been sharp when she questioned him about it but this time she was gentle, reaching for his hand and taking it between hers.

"Yeah," he said, nodding his head. "Yeah, he knows. I didn't say it, but...."

"Did something happen?"

Kris shook his head vehemently. "No, God no," he said. "Katy, I wouldn't do that to you. As soon as I...I'm an idiot. I didn't even realize it till tonight. He practically had to spell it out for me."

"Figures," she said, giving him a wry smile.

"Do you want me to go?" he said, his voice cracking again. The thought was almost unbearable, but this decision was hers now. "Or do you want to try counseling again? It worked the last time, we could try that again."

"Did it?" she said, her words unexpected, like a sucker punch despite the gentle way she delivered them. "I know we talked about it and got past it, and yet here we are again. Maybe it was never the kind of thing that should have been worked through and laid to rest."

"Katy, no," he said. "I love you. I've always loved you."

"I know," she said. "I know that. But if this is happening all over again, then maybe it's supposed to happen."

"Katy, wait, listen to me," he said. "I'll move out if that's what you want, and I know you have every right to ask, but I'm not leaving you for him. That's not what I'm saying. I don't want to leave you."

"And believe me, I would not give you up without a fight anyway, Kris," she said, squeezing his hand. "But I feel like there's a part of you that's already his, and it has been ever since you met him. I never had that piece to begin with, and you never got it back."

"Katy, we worked through this," he said. "I chose you. I still choose you."

"Kris, you need to be quiet and listen to me right now," she said, "because you need to hear this, and I need to say this. I think this is the only thing that's going to make us feel right again."

"I don't understand."

"What if I said you didn't have to choose?"

"Katy...this isn't right. I don't want your permission to cheat on you. I could never feel right about that."

"Oh, believe me, this is anything but that," she said. "I wanted you to love just me, Kris; that's what I always expected love to be. Do you think I haven't been thinking about this for a long time? You are a good man, and you are a good husband, and if after all this time you still have feelings for Adam, well, maybe we made a mistake somewhere. Maybe it's us who haven't been listening hard enough to what God has in store for us."

"Katy...." he started, but he couldn't find the words. There was too much going on inside his head for him to even make sense of it right now. "I love you."

"I know," she said. "And you love him too. You worked so, so hard at us, and then the moment you gave yourself permission to relax you fell in love with him all over again. We thought you were being tested, that you had to be strong, but maybe the test was to see if we could accept this. Because I think it takes more strength to do something that feels right that other people don't accept, than to just follow what they say is the right thing. Listen to what your gut is telling you. You've always trusted it before, even when it was hard. I think you need to trust it here too."

"I've tried to help how I feel," he got out finally, "but it just doesn't go away, not with time and not with space. I've tried."

"So stop trying to hard to go against what everything inside you is telling you," she said, and she was smiling when she said it. Not resigned, not compromising, but smiling. And maybe she'd been going against what everything inside her was telling her too. "Maybe God's been asking us to let him in, and he's been knocking for a very long time."

"I just want you to be sure. I don't want you to do this because you're afraid of losing me," said Kris.

"Baby," she said, using a rare endearment as she stroked his cheek softly. "Has it occurred to you that this is what I want, too?"

"Yes," he said, "but I don't understand. I don't understand what you get out of it."

"When you first started working on the song," said Katy, "you thanked me for giving Adam back to you. But that went both ways, Kris. I got you back, too. You've been easier, happier and more yourself lately than you have been in ages. For the past two years I've just thought it was just the lifestyle, I thought we'd just changed, but that wasn't it. It was him."

"Do you think," he said finally, "that it's possible to have more than one soulmate?"

"I think you're the one who wrote that song, Kris," she said, and suddenly he understood just what she'd heard the first time he played it for her. "Why don't you tell me?"

"I think God doesn't make mistakes," he said. "Katy, I want this so much. Like I've never wanted anything except for you."

"Then go get it," she said, "and we'll work out the rest later."

:::

It wasn't often that Kris went to Adam's house - somehow, ever since they started spending this kind of time together again, they'd just defaulted to Kris's - but he knew his way around, and had the access to get right to the front door.

Despite the hour he both jammed his finger on the doorbell and banged his fist heavily on the door. Unnecessarily, as it turned out, because Adam opened it a moment later. He looked everything like Kris remembered him from their nights at the mansion, t-shirt and shorts and bare skin, and as soon as he saw him Kris threw his entire plan out the window and kissed him right then and there.

For a moment Adam just let him, his mouth soft and pliant, then he pulled away and yanked Kris inside his house. "Okay, there is nothing ambiguous about this anymore," he said, and he sounded almost angry.

"No, there's not," said Kris. "I'm in love with you and Katy knows it."

"Fuck," muttered Adam, leaning against the door on one hand and looming over him without looking Kris in the eye. "You left her."

"No!" said Kris. "No, it's not...no. Will you hear me out?"

Adam nodded his head and finally pushed himself off from the door, still not looking at Kris as he led the way further into his house, finally ending up in the breakfast nook, not the most romantic spot in the house but maybe the most comforting.

"I was in love with you two years ago," Kris started, because that really was the beginning, "and I am in love with you now, and maybe I was in love with you for all the time in between too. And there's a lot more to it than that, but none of it matters until I know whether you...whether we could happen."

"My getting over you was not as successful as I hoped," Adam admitted, "but Kris...Katy."

"I'm in love with her too," said Kris. "I'm in love with both of you. And I think maybe I'm supposed to be."

"Supposed to be?"

"If I can't be around you without falling in love with you, doesn't that mean something?" said Kris. "Katy knows, about you, about her, about how I feel. She wants this. She wants me to...she wants us to be together. Me and her, and...me and you. She wants everything to be right again."

It wasn't often that Kris saw Adam speechless, but he definitely was now. He leaned both elbows on the table and stared at him and his mouth was open like he wanted to talk but had forgotten how.

"So could you do that?" said Kris. "Could you share me?"

If he couldn't, if he wasn't willing, then this house of cards all fell down and Kris might be left with less than he started with. But he'd passed the point of no return a long time ago without even knowing it at the time, and not trying just wasn't an option anymore.

"Can I sleep with you right now?" said Adam finally. "Because I think if I can't sleep with you right now I'm going to die or something."

Kris laughed and reached for one of Adam's hands, lacing their fingers together. "Is that a yes?"

"That's a yes," said Adam, pulling Kris's hand up to his mouth and kissing his knuckles fiercely. "I love you enough to make that work. I always fucking have. If it's what you both want."

"It's what we both want," said Kris. "And yes. God yes. You can sleep with me now."

Kris was nervous as Adam led him up into the bedroom, but he wasn't scared. Nervous because he'd never done this before, nervous because he wasn't sure where things were going to go from here, but if there were two people he trusted more than anyone else in the world, they were Katy and Adam.

Wherever things were going to go from here, it was bound to be better than where they were coming from.

"So when you said I could sleep with you, did you mean...?"

"Yes," said Kris as Adam tugged him straight through to the bed without so much as a pause on the way. "Just...."

"Oh go ahead, say something sweet and virginal," said Adam as he made short work of Kris's clothes. "It'll turn me on."

"Be gentle," said Kris, but couldn’t help cracking up as soon as he got the words out. It felt good to laugh, to be this joyful about something that had been a burden for so long now, even when he hadn't realized he was still carrying it.

Adam seemed plenty turned on already, though, and Kris knew he sure was. Adam's sexuality was something that had been in Kris's face from the day he met him, but this was the first time the full force of it had been directed at him. It was a little overwhelming and a lot exciting.

"You don't even know..." Adam was saying as he finally got his pants off, what had probably taken seconds but felt like hours. "You have no idea how long...."

"No, I think I do," said Kris as Adam climbed over him, straddled him on all fours and stared into his eyes. "Adam, before we do this...."

"Oh God, what?" said Adam. "Do you want a ring? I can do that. Whatever you need, Kris."

"That might be nice, actually," said Kris. He had no idea how that would actually work, but he suddenly very much did want that, in a sort of a vague and long-term way. "But for now just a promise. That this is serious."

"This has been serious for about two years longer than we've been together," said Adam. "No matter who else there was. Even if you'd never come to my door, it would always have been serious."

"I'm sorry, I--"

"Let's not do any more apologies," said Adam, kissing him silent. Even though it was barely more than the touch of lips to lips, soft and wet, again and again and again, it felt like everything. "Not until someone does something wrong."

It was still a little amazing to Kris that this wasn't, it wasn't something wrong, that the very thing he'd been denying himself because he believed it was something he couldn't have was now exactly what he was accepting into his life.

"It's serious for me too," said Kris. "It's crazy and serious and I'm just trying to do this right."

"We've already done the hard part," said Adam, kissing him again and then letting his lips rest almost against Kris's when he spoke again. "And even if you're not sure what you're doing right now, believe me, I do."

It was clear he meant here in bed, not here in this crazy relationship that Kris didn't even know if there was a name for, but Kris took comfort in it anyway. He wasn't in this alone, not any part of it, not anymore.

Silently, slowly, he drew one knee up and slid his leg to the outside of Adam's body, running one bare foot up and down his calf when he did. While he wasn't entirely clear on the logistics of all of this, he was pretty sure they required him to spread his legs at some point.

That one quiet, subtle motion spurred Adam into action, moving smoothly between Kris's legs and laying flat against him, kissing his lips then the tender spot just beneath his ear. Kris instinctively wrapped a leg around him and held him close, Adam's weight a comfortable pressure against his cock.

"Maybe we can save the foreplay for when I'm not just about ready to beg you for this," he said, chewing on his lower lip, already a little soft and swollen from Adam's kisses.

"Just let me do this right," said Adam, kissing his way down Kris's throat. "I'll do it fast, but I'll do it right. I promise you."

"I'm pretty sure you couldn't do it any other way," said Kris, and let Adam move him, let Adam bend his legs and leave wet trails down his body with his lips, let him touch Kris's body in all the ways Kris had always imagined but never felt before. He knew what it was like to be loved, to be cherished, but Adam's hands were different, his body was different, he was something new.

When Adam pushed two fingers into him it wasn't anything Kris hadn't done before, to himself, and with his wife, but in his gut he knew this time it was a prelude to something more, to something he hadn't ever had.

"Please," he said, asking for more than just for Adam to slip a condom on and push inside him. Adam said he would die if they didn't have sex but Kris was suddenly the one who felt like he was going to if he didn't get this soon.

Adam didn't say anything but the way he looked at him then, the intensity of that gaze, made Kris's breath catch. He almost didn't notice when Adam started pushing in until he had to shift again, felt a shiver of tension go up his back.

"Oh God," he said, and was relieved when that didn't make Adam stop because Kris didn't want that, he didn't want this first moment of connection to ever end. "Adam."

"Kris," Adam said in return, then paused once he was inside and just smiled at him, and Kris knew all over again that he was in love with him. He opened his mouth to say it but then he realized that Adam knew, and that he didn't need to say a thing.

After that it was easy to let Adam start to move, to claim his mouth again and not let go this time, not for anything, not even when he worked a hand in between them to help Kris get off, a thumb over the head of his cock and the joint pressure of his body and his knuckles and his cock in Kris's ass moving just right in a way that Kris didn't even know was real.

"Oh," he gasped, and let Adam hold him steady as he shook and panted his way through it, and it sort of hit him then that this was the first time he'd had an orgasm with anyone but Katy. It made him shiver all over again, especially when Adam resumed his thrusts into Kris's pliant, welcoming body.

He could barely hear Adam speaking unless he concentrated, which was really difficult at the moment, but when he did he made out "God" and "fuck" and "Kris" and "love" and then Adam drove in one last time and held Kris as tight as he could, kissing him all over again.

"I'm so in love with you it hurts," Kris whispered, and Adam made a sound like a sob into his shoulder.

"Everything's going to be so much better now," he said a few moments later, his lips against Kris's skin, and Kris believed every word of it.

:::

In a way, Kris still felt like his first trip to Florida, just weeks ago despite everything that had happened since, had been the most meaningful. He felt so removed from the whole situation as he stood backstage, in a venue where no one would ever have known that a hurricane leveled parts of the state not so far away. But then he looked at the numbers and calculated just how much they could accomplish with that kind of money, and knew that in this he was using his time and abilities in the best possible way.

There was more than one way to do the right thing.

"You should get changed soon," said Katy in his ear, tugging at the loose tails of his plaid shirt. "Adam says you're not wearing this."

"Adam says a lot of things," said Kris, but he had let Adam - and not his stylist or anyone else - pick out his outfit for this one event, so what Adam said this time actually went. "Adam also said he was going to use my favorite shirt for rags."

"Empty threat," she promised him. "Adam Lambert has no use for rags."

Kris laughed and wrapped his arms around Katy's waist from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder as they swayed to the music drifting back from the stage. Or not so much drifting at as arriving at such volume that the glasses on the table were trembling.

"Have I told you yet that you look gorgeous?"

"Not as often as Adam has," she said, "but I'm pretty sure he thinks that's my name so maybe it doesn't count."

Kris just kissed her hair and stayed there with her till he felt another presence at his back, felt a hand curl around his shoulder. And even then he didn't feel like he needed to say anything until Adam did.

"Hey gorgeous," he said, and Kris laughed as Katy looked back over her shoulder and beamed at him. "Hey baby." He kissed Kris's cheek and reached past him to give Katy's waist a fond little squeeze.

"It's that time, is it?" said Katy a few moments later.

"It's about that time," said Adam. "We're all three of us going to have stage crew on our asses in about two minutes." Really, Kris was surprised they didn't already, but he and Katy had managed to stay out of the way fairly effectively. "Are you staying back here?"

"No way," she said. "I'm slipping out and cheering from the front row. I might go after your set, though. I've got dinner reservations with a college friend."

"Tell Kerri hi from me," said Kris, turning her around in his arms to give her a real kiss, and a fairly long one, before he had to go. "I'll probably be back to the hotel after you."

"But don't worry," said Adam, giving Katy a kiss on the cheek. "I promise to bring him back to you in one piece. From the looks of what I interrupted here, you've probably got some...unfinished business."

Kris hid his face in his hand but Katy just laughed. "One piece, and not to tired to take care of it," she insisted, though Kris knew she'd be just as happy if he climbed into bed and fell asleep with his arms around her. As long as he made up for it in the morning, anyway. "You're only down the hall from us if I have to go looking for you."

Adam even patted down his pockets until he found what he was looking for, and slipped an extra key card into Katy's purse. "Just in case," he said. "Use it wisely."

"I think I'll knock," she said while Kris hid his face again, but if he fell asleep in Adam's bed, he wouldn't mind if Katy tracked him down and slipped in behind him, wrapping her arms around him and sleeping there too. And neither would Adam, as long as he'd escaped to the shower before the inevitable morning sex. "Have a great night."

"You too," said Kris, and kissed her one more time before he saw what looked like a battalion of people with headsets and clipboards heading for them. "I think that's us."

"Come on, we're on in five," said Adam, taking his hand.

Katy turned back one last time to blow them a kiss before she slipped away towards the barricades, and Adam gave Kris's hand a squeeze and a caress with his thumb, and there was just nowhere in his life Kris would rather have been than here.