follow on from July's weird spiritual entry
July's weird spiritual entry
Well, after all that, nothing really did happen at Brighton Leaders' conference - and that was fantastic - possibly the first time I have been away to a highly charged spiritual atmosphere with fantastic confrontational preaching and not had to repent of major sin ;-)
The reason I'm mentioning it is because on Thurs at cell it happened again - Stu talked on the normal Christian birth of Repentance, faith, baptism in water and baptism in the Holy Spirit, we prayed for the Holy Spirit and I had the same experience - my chest tightened, I wanted to cough and be sick, and Livy (who knew v little of the previous stuff) felt to pray that I'd been released from the Kingdom of Darkness into the Kingdom of Light.
And so I once again retreated to a more private place, and this time I laid hands on myself and prayed for myself, and heard God for myself (and yes, was sick). And I very definitely felt God say two things 'You are not rejected' and 'I chose you (to be single) for my glory'.
Both of these I knew in my head of course, but on Thurs they became real heart things.. a deep inner knowing that there isn't 'something wrong with me' and that time, years and years ago, when I didn't get married it wasn't that I was rejected, but that God had chosen me to be single for his purposes and his glory and this is a Good Thing - the best thing that could have happened.
Talking with Livy afterwards I think the other thing that has happened is another step out of my miserable pmt, and the down-ness I can slide down into from self-pity from time to time that has lingered since I was(clinically) depressed for a bit in 1999.
And sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to heal - after all, what happened to me wasn't so bad compared to lots of other people, and it was a long time ago (6 years, now). And to be honest, I'd much rather be the person praying for others than the one being prayed for. But you know what? I'm not ashamed of it. Bad stuff happens, and then God works in it for good, and if at the end of all this I can look at my life and say 'Look what God has done! Isn't he magnificent?' then it'll all be worth it.