Eternity's over-rated for you and me.
I don't know what kind of weather should fit us best. Would it be the rain - the same like those tears making my shirt wet at nights, when you're thinking I'm asleep? When you'll take my arm, burying your face against it breathing heavily, letting your tears run. You think that I'm not aware. You think I can't feel it when you're shaking next to me, you think I can't hear it when your breathing's unstable and gasping. Then I'd just like to wrap my arms around you, holding you close to me. I'd like to whisper gentle words, the ones that wouldn't hold any bigger meaning to you. I'd just like to soothe your red hair. But I can't - not when you're doing it all in secret; you don't want for me to know that you're not feeling so well.
It feels like we're falling apart in every single moment, can you feel it too? It feels like we're desparately trying to hold our hands out for each other - then watching how they'd go through our bodies. We're like ghosts to each other. The ones that can't be touched. That's how it feels like to me when you're sleeping in my arms, hands wrapped together. I can't feel you there. It feels like you're far away - somewhere I'm not able to follow. You're like illusion to me.
You're not eating and you're losing weight and becoming paler day by day. And I'm wondering why I don't do anything for it. Why I don't even try to make you eat. I could just lay next to you on our bed; feeling your bones through your skin. First they were just bones of your pelvis, then your collar-bones now the bones of your wrists. What's next? Your ribs? I'm afraid of touching you. I'm scared that you'd break immediatly - just because of my fingertips touching you. You''re not sleeping either. If I'd be able to get you to bed then I'd end up seeing you staring apatheticaly at the ceiling. Can you see it? Or do you see something else? Something that you're wanting for real? Can you see the falling star, are you trying to catch it? Would you like to wish for escape; escape from everything? From your memories? What you're remembering? The one you had before me? The one with whom you were yourself? The one for who you tried to change, not being able to in the end. You broke apart because you felt like you were in cage and you're thinking it's the best you can do. You felt like you'd be free again to have fun with everyone - that you'd be free to do as you please again. But why I can see the longing gaze in your eyes? The one which doesn't feel longingness for me? Why I can see how your lips would like to call for certain name? Why I'd let you torture me like this? I think that someday you'd belong just to me. That someday I'd be the one who would be let in your heart. But I don't think that's going to happen. You're just longing for that one person. You'd like to call her but you can't. You're worried when you get to know she's not doing well. You'd like to know what's wrong. Back then you said that it's hatred you feel because she isn't trying. She's not trying to be your friend, she gave you no useful hope. But in reality you can't separate your feelings from each. You can't see that the hate is still something very different.
You're saying to me that you'd like to forget, to let go. You said you're ready for relationship but I can see that you were fooling yourself. Am I just one of your many habbits? One of habbits to let go? One of habbits to forget? You can't do it. You can't forget and it's tearing you apart. You're hurting yourself because of her. She's the reason why you're not sleeping or eating. You're not taking care of your looks because she's not here to judge you. You're saying you'd like to die or sell yourself to be a whore. Can't you see I'm hurting? I'm not with you just because I'd like to help you. You're breaking me with your words and I can't let go of you. I can just whisper 'sayonara' to the wind - not being able to say anything else. Not being able to do anything else. I can't leave you - not when this bittersweet circle is rolling.
___________
I remember writing this to clear up my thoughts. Somehow I like this text, even though I hated it while writing... I'm strange, I know~