My *first* college essay!!

[clarinutter]

If you wanted to examine an orange, you would have to look at every aspect of it- its innermost details- to figure out what makes it work. Limiting yourself to a simple analysis of the peel would leave you mighty incomplete, indeed. A study of the United States is no different- you need to dig deep past the superficial level and understand each

Comments

[dreaming_shadow]

I think its good =)

[lizblizz]

What was the prompt? Can't really give an opinion without knowing the prompt... although maybe that's a sign that your thesis may not be clear enough? We'll see.

But from a simply editorial point...

You like to use dashes (-) a lot. I'm pretty sure you used them correctly, but you may want to use them a bit more sparingly. There are many sentences which you connect by dashes that could be just as strong if broken into separate sentences. For example:

Also, the world of today is grossly influenced by money, as such; economic studies are more than vital in order to obtain information on a county- in fact, economic trends and influences tend to be the very root of all other area studies and disciplines within a country, from its trade to it’s style of government, all the way down to its political parties.

So now, instead of having this HUMONGOUS sentence (over 60 words in one sentence... *whew*), break it into (keep in mind this is only my suggestion):

Also, the world of today is grossly influenced by money. As such, economic

[clarinutter]

The prompt was "how would you study the United States" (how would you intertwine methods of study) and such.

[lizblizz]

Ah, that's fine then. What an awfully ambigious prompt.

[clarinutter]

Yes, I know. I yelled at the screen for quite some time.