[Fic: Fullmetal Alchemist] Why Wouldn't You?
A little something I whipped up while working on my first Fullmetal Alchemist fic. I told GaluxKitty I'd try a one-shot... so here's a one-shot. Enjoy.
Title: Why Wouldn’t You?
Author: Jedi Princess Clarrisani
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Rating: G
Pairing(s): N/A
Beta: N/A
Spoilers: N/A
Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, but I will accept any gifts of Roy or Jean
Summary: Downheartened by their run of bad luck with the ladies, Ed and Havoc ask Hawkeye why girls don’t like them.
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“You know, it’s really starting to bug me.” Edward Elric folded his hands together, resting his head on them, elbows on the tabletop propping himself up. “I just can’t work it out. I even wanted to ask her, but she was gone before I could.”
“Sounds like the story of my life.” Jean Havoc twirled his unlit cigarette between his fingers, absently watching it, ignoring the movements of those around them in the mess hall. “I’ve been trying to work it out for years. I’ve tried changing the way I dress, the way I act, hell, I’ve even lied about my rank. Trust me, kid, we’re just not meant to find ourselves girlfriends.”
“Yeah, I’m starting to think that.” Ed groaned, his forehead dropping to rest on the tabletop with a dull ‘thud’. “And if I do find one, Mustang steals her.”
“He steals all the girls, Ed.” Jean’s gaze moved along the table to where Roy Mustang sat alone, sipping on his warm drink. By the slight smirk on the other’s lips, Jean knew Roy was listening in. “And once he’s loved them and left them, they never come back.”
“Figures.” Ed turned his head to look at him. “Do you think I just look too young?”
“I don’t know. Some girls like that.” Jean shrugged. “Maybe we’re too blond.”
“Yeah, that could be it. Although…” Ed narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, “I’ve heard girls love guys with blond hair and blue eyes, so you should have a girl.”
“Yeah.” Jean sighed, closing his eyes. “Maybe you’re just too sho-”
“Don’t even think it!” Ed sat up, glaring at him.
“Just a possibility.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Never mention it again.” Ed looked around, eyes scanning the room for his brother. Seeing no sign on Alphonse, the 19-year-old rested his elbow on the table, chin in hand. “Guess this brings us back to square one.”
“Guess so.” Jean looked down at him. “Maybe we should ask one.”
“Tried.”
“I meant one that would answer.”
Ed looked up at him. “Got someone in mind?”
“So it happens, yeah.” Jean nodding his greeting to the woman who joined them, sliding into the spot across the table, a steaming hot mug between her hands. “First Lieutenant Hawkeye.”
“Second Lieutenant Havoc.” Riza settled herself in, her gaze moving to Ed. “Major Elric.”
Ed winced. “Don’t call me that outside the office. It’s weird.”
Riza smiled faintly, looking toward Jean. “So why are you two so glum?”
“Edward got dumped by his girl last night,” Jean explained. “She abandoned him in the restaurant. Turned out she had another date she couldn’t miss.”
Riza’s eyes narrowed, looking toward their commanding officer. “With the Colonel, no doubt.”
“Always.” Ed rolled his eyes. “Third time it’s happened in two weeks. I just can’t work out what I’m doing wrong.”
“We were wondering,” Jean started, eyes settling on Riza’s face, “if you could tell us why girls wouldn’t want to go out with us. And be honest.”
“I see.” Riza was silent for a long while, sipping her tea. She eventually lowered her cup, gazing into its murky depths. “Well… you are too work obsessed, Havoc. You can also be dull, old fashioned, and are not a great conversationalist with a woman. I know that by observing you. You also tend to flirt too much, and try too hard to impress. If you let yourself be yourself once in a while, and found yourself a hobby that didn’t include women and firearms, you might stand a little more of a chance.
“As for you, Edward,” Riza continued, turning away from Jean’s dumbstruck expression and meeting Ed’s look of calm fear. “You tend to speak your mind too much, and need to learn to control your temper. You have a tendency to be too egoistical, and like Jean, you try too hard to impress. You are rarely seen without your brother, and I have heard you sometimes take him with you on the dates and I can assure you girls do not like that sort of thing.
“You are also obsessed with the philosopher’s stone and chimera’s, and push the ‘poor wounded man with a tragic past’ story too much. Not to mention your height can be a serious disadvantage to you. Girls like men who are taller than them.” She looked back at Jean. “And you, Havoc, they consider too tall, and few women like smokers. At the same time, Ed, you have a tendency to party too much.”
Riza looked from one to the other, noting the looks of sheer horror on their faces. Sighing, she lifted her mug to her lips and took a small sip. “You did ask me to be honest.”
“Yeah, but not that honest.” Ed shot a glare toward where Roy was holding his sides laughing, before returning his attention to Riza. “But there’s got to be someone out there that would go out with us, right?”
“Most likely.”
“So, Hawkeye,” Jean smirked, gesturing to Ed and himself, “forgetting about the military laws that forbid it and all that, would you ever consider going out with us?”
Riza eyed him. “Honestly, I’ve never given it much thought. My problems would be Ed’s temper and your smoking, Havoc, but there’s a possibility.” She glared down the table. “I can tell you I’d be more likely to go out with one of you than someone that would have a date lined up as backup if I were to cancel my own date, and has about four girlfriends at one time who he talks to on the phone endlessly when he is meant to be working.”
Roy choked on his drink.
Ed sniggered. “That coming from experience?”
Riza smiled sweetly at him. “That’s for me to know.”
“Yeah, I figured you’d say that.” Ed sighed, stretching and standing, stifling a yawn. “Well, I might go find a phone and call Winry to ask her to the military ball since Al isn’t. She’d kill me if I don’t ask, and Al has more luck with women anyway. Not fair if you ask me.”
“Good luck with that,” Jean said, watching the blond alchemist walk away. Straightening, Jean stretched, watching as Riza finished her drink. “Got a date lined up for the ball, Riza?”
“No.” Riza joined him as he stood, intent on heading back to work. “I’m afraid I have as much luck with men as you do with women.”
“I doubt that.” Jean tossed her a wink, sliding the cigarette between his lips. “You only go on half the amount of dates I do.”
“Meaning I get asked out half as much as you do,” Riza pointed out.
“True.” Jean tossed a quick look at Roy before turning to his field partner. “Well, since we both don’t have dates and you don’t like men who always have a backup if you don’t show, you want to come with me?”
Riza eyed him. “With you?”
“Friends, of course.” Jean smiled and shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time. Remember that function General Hakuro held?”
“Doubt I could ever forget.” Riza chuckled, remembering the chaos after a young private had made the mistake of calling Edward ‘the son of a human and a midget’. The private hadn’t walked away, and had taken over two months to recover, and was no doubt mentally scarred for life. Riza smiled up at Jean, nodding. “Yes, I will go with you.”
“Great.” Jean grinned at her, ignoring the burning glare Roy was sending his way. “We’ll finalise the details on the way back to the office.”
“There’s no rush,” Riza said, crossing her arms over her chest and closing her eyes. “It will be a while before the Colonel manages to ring around to find the reserve date of his reserve date.”
Jean frowned. “Huh?”
“I was his reserve.”
“I got that part.” Jean frowned. “What happened to his first choice? The one he’s had arranged for over a week now?”
“Oh, haven’t you heard.” Riza’s eyes sparkled as she looked up at him. “Alphonse stole Roy’s date.”
Owari