Torchwood Fic: "It Started With A Drunken Medic - 1/8" (Mulitple Pairings)
Title: It Started With A Drunken Medic
Part: 1 of 8
Author(s): cally73 (Toshiko), Clarrisani (Ianto), djpugsly (Owen), Obsessed7 (Gwen), QL (Random Others), Ruthyf (Jack), and introducing universically (Colonel James Hassel), and Immortal_Aussie (Cassandra West)
Pairing(s): Multiple Pairings
Summary: Owen drinks one drink too many while behind the wheel of the SUV. Chaos happens.
Disclaimer: Not anyway connected to the BBC emails, just a bit of fun.
A/N: This is a sequel to the Torchwood Australia Group Email Challenge "It Started With A Broken Headlight". Again, I have permission to reproduce this here.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Systems Back Online
----
Just sending out this message to alert everyone to the fact Tosh and I have the server working again. You should all be able to access your emails and the internet now, which will make life a little easier.
I also have an update on exactly what needs to be repaired. I am going to be spending the next few hours repairing the Rift Machine, as this is top priority. I believe Owen should be the one to repair the hole in the garage wall and doors where he drove the SUV through, as well as replacing the glass of the armoury and repairing all the weapons. I also believe he should foot the bill for repairing the SUV.
Jack has confirmed that we have lost two days in the resulting minor Rift shockwave from when the SUV crashed into the Rift Machine. From what I can gather from Jack's explanation we were sent into a sort of coma but should be fine. He also says we should probably take an inventory in case anything slipped into the Rift during the shockwave.
I have already taken it upon myself to do a brief check and can tell you Myfanwy is accounted for, but as you know the shockwave knocked out our power so the cells are empty. I'm not sure exactly what happened to what we had down there. We've already had one phone call about a coffee drinking Weevil, so we will need to retrieve Janet at some point.
On the subject of coffee, Owen did manage to hit the coffee machine, so don't even bother asking. And Jack, I'm not giving you a back massage to work that crick out of your spine from where Owen ran you down.
Now, I'm not sure about anyone else, but I think a little enforced sobriety will do Owen a world of good. That, and dousing him in BBQ sauce and giving him a two second head start.
Ianto
P.S. Gwen, there were a dozen messages from Rhys on the answering machine. You might want to call him back.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: A Casualty
----
Owen,
There was one casualty amongst this, and I must regretfully inform you that I was unable to save your Sims game. I'm afraid that you'll just have to reinstall it. I did try my best.
Tosh
********************
o: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Sorry
---
Um, yeah... sorry guys for um, well driving the SUV through the garage wall, through the armoury, knocking out Ianto's workbench AND coffee machine (really sorry mate, don't hate me yeah?), running over Jack and then proceeding to crash into the Rift Machine, and any events thereafter.
Um... can we possibly settle this in a way that doesn't involve me having to take a dip in some strange slimy substance that causes me to turn all sorts of weird colours this time?
Until I hear something positive I'll be hiding in my little hidey-hole and be accessible through my PDA.
Owen
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 04 July 2008
Subject: Rift activity spike
----
Captain,
I have just been informed by our Appraisal of Rift Shift Examination (A.R.S.E) team that the rift in Cardiff experienced a major rift surge approximately half an hour ago. Following protocol and sending you this email as I haven't received official notification from yourself or nominated team member that there are no further issues.
Please inform ASAP if there is any issues
regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Bollocks. Little Alice and Emily will not be happy with me.
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Sorry
---
I assume you're referring to that little hideaway just off from the corridor into the morgue where you keep your secret stash of alcohol I just took the pleasure of tipping down the sink.
I doubt an apology is going to work this time, Owen. Nor will hiding in a location we all know about.
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 05 July 2008
Subject: Rift activity spike
----
Captain,
It has now been 24 hours and I have still not received notification of your status in Cardiff. Please respond immediately. If I don not receive any response in the next 24 hours than I will have no choice but to send an investigative team. Believe me, only the fact that there has been no further rift spikes has kept me from sending one in sooner.
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
----
Neither will little Martha and Gwen. I bet you thought that I didn't know about that!
Tosh
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Coming Up
---
Alright then, I'm coming up. Time to face the music I guess. Like mother always said, "You're a waste of space Owen Harper." Stupid mother. Guess I should wear the bullet proof armour hey Ianto?
Owen
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Server Backlog
----
Tosh,
I just did a check on the server and it would appear that there is a lot of backlogged emails. I've gone through and deleted the spam before they can hit our inboxes. I think we need to have another word with Jack about visiting porn sites.
I also noted that someone has been trying to hack into our system and may have obtained our email addresses. I'll let you decide what to do with her.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Of course I did. Knew all along. Don't worry there's not a model of you in my game *ahem*
Owen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Server Backlog
----
Ianto,
Jack just doesn't learn does he? Thanks for the heads up on that hacker. I'll just monitor her for the moment. It will be easy enough to shut her down if she becomes a problem.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coming Up
---
It would be in your better interest to start working on various antidotes to counter the poison I'm going to be putting in your coffee.
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Notification of impending investigation
----
Captain,
As previously stated, it has now been 48 hours since the initial incident. As no communication has been able to be initiated with Torchwood, I am coming to Cardiff to investigate in person. Please be aware that I will be in Cardiff ASAP.
Please be aware that I am missing vital meetings due to this and I would very much appreciate it if you would start to act in a much more professional manner.
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Cassandra West (cassandra_west@gmail.com)
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: DAMN!!!!
---
Hello, I know you don't know me but in follow up of Ianto's email to Tosh I'll admit that I did hack into your system and retrieve your email addresses.
I promise there isn't a nefarious (sp?) purpose to it!
First before you close this email I beg you to keep reading. My name is Cassandra West and I'm 17, and on exchange to Cardiff Christian College from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. You guys have always been heroes to me. I've always loved to hear about what you guys are doing to save the world from evil aliens... Part of this year (in six weeks to be precise) I and my fellow year mates have to under go work experience. Due to the fact you have always interested me I am begging you to allow me to do work experience with you for that one week. If not I'm always willing to do an after school job...
I'll do anything you want me to do... including feeding and cleaning up after Myfanwy and the Weevils...
Thank you for your time in reading this email.
Sincerely
Cassandra West
PS. I promise I'll try and not hack in to your systems anymore! *sniggers*
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coming Up
---
Not again. Last time I nearly shit myself a new arsehole. Took weeks to get the smell out of my apartment.
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
----
For some reason I don't quite believe you, Owen. At least I'm not getting killed every few hours. How many Ianto’s have you gone through now? If I didn't know better, I would swear that you were doing it deliberately.
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Owen
----
Jack,
I know you discourage it, but can I torture Owen? Please? I think he deserves it this time. Just a little cyanide in his coffee, some hot water on his lap, little bit of acid powder in his gloves that reacts to his DNA...
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Hacker
----
Tosh,
Perhaps a firewall so she can't read all our emails. The outside world do not need to know all our little secrets.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Well if you've got a better idea to kill time while waiting for the pizza to be delivered I'd like to hear it.
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Ianto,
Firewall is now up. She was obviously able to take advantage with our systems being off-line. I'll work on developing stronger protection in the event of another catastrophic event - we can't afford to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Owen,
You could do the same as the rest of us - work!
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Well, it least it wasn't UNIT. We'd be in real trouble had they been the ones to hack in. I've run a background check on this girl and she seems innocent enough. We better keep an eye on her in the meantime.
Ianto
********************
To: Cassandra West
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Your Email
---
Miss West,
I would like to remind you than any information that you have obtained regarding our organisation is of a highly sensitive nature, and may have serious consequences if in the wrong hands. I strongly suggest that you delete any information that you may have.
As for your desire for work experience with our organisation, your request will be taken into consideration by our team leader. He will be in touch.
Regards,
Toshiko Sato
********************
To: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato
From: Cassandra West (cassandra_west@gmail.com)
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: No Need to Worry
---
I see you put up the firewall but I promise on my life that I don't share anything that I find out with anyone else
Cassandra West
PS. Did you guys get my email about work experience?
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Yes, the last thing we need is UNIT turning up on our doorstep. We have enough to do without them under our feet.
I have sent her off a gentle warning about not making public any information she may have obtained. Do you think Jack would actually consider taking her on for work experience?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Eager little thing, isn't she. Here's hoping she's not another Eugene Jones. Not sure I can be bothered going through that again. At least he was stalking Gwen, this Cassandra seems more focussed on us at the moment.
Considering how much trouble I had convincing Jack to hire me, I doubt he'd take someone on for work experience.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
You lot seem to forget that my Job doesn't really start until we actually find something to study, or unless there's something that needs shooting. But do you appreciate what I do around here? No. Why I even bother I don't know.
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Funny, I was just thinking about Eugene, myself. I really don't understand why people are so fascinated with us. It's not as if it's a glamorous job.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Advanced Warning
---
Owen, just letting you know that once I finish sorting out the issues with the email backlog I'm coming to confiscate your SUV keys. If your hide them, I am not above conducting a full body search, and I don't mean in a way that you will enjoy.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Yeah like you drive any better. Don't care anyway do I? Bleedin' stupid looking thing anyway. Every time you drive it anywhere the plastic bits come flying off it. I'll stick to my 'mid-life crisis' sport scar thank-you very much.
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Do not even start complaining to me about feeling under-appreciated. As for your workload, in case you haven't noticed, there's always something that needs to be done around this place. Unless of course you're only interested in dirtying your hands with alien entrails?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
It's the thrill of the unknown. I suppose from the outside we're fascinating with our gadgets and danger. Not to mention our rather good looking boss. He can be a magnet for stalkers at times.
Ianto
********************
TO: Torchwood All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Oh my head
---
Oh my poor head. Owen, I don't know how you managed to do what you did but by God you're going to pay for it! I have a killer headache and now I have to go and deal with Rhys.
Ianto, if you have 'plans' let me know, I might just want to help!
Gwen
********************
TO: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
You can torture me anytime you like freckles!
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
You mean those little plastic bits you pick the glue off when you're bored on a stake out and stick down again with bubblegum when you know I'm about to drive? I do go over the CCTV to the garage, and have been keeping a close eye on the SUV after the headlight and Top Fear incident. I still haven't forgiven you for that.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Ianto that was months ago. Get over it Jeez. Besides I thought the Rift machine was supposed to have an emergency cut-off switch in case it got hit with a power surge. Is it not your job to ensure that it is properly maintained?
Owen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Gwen, I'll slip you a post it note with a few ideas of what you could do to Owen on my way to the Rift Machine. I'm just heading that way now and had a feeling you might enjoy a little payback.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Feeling slightly unappreciated are we Tosh? 'Cause I could sure show you some appreciation Wink
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
There is an emergency cut-off switch. It's just beside the garage door. I'm sure you'll find it when you start clearing away the rubble. As for the SUV... I think you have a lot of grovelling to do this time around if you ever want me to let you help in the archives ever again.
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Arrived in Cardiff
---
Captain,
I have just touched down at the military base in Cardiff. Just a courtesy notification that I will be on route to your base in the next 5 mins. ETA approx 30mins
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
The only appreciation I want right now is a decent cup of coffee. I would ask Ianto, but oh wait.... the coffee machine is broken!!!!
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Not that one, the other one, you know the one inside the Rift Machine that breaks the circuit in the case of a power surge? Not to mention the other 20 or so failsafe’s that Tosh has installed? Where were they anyway?
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
That's beside the point, Owen. They were designed in case of alien attack or an overloading of the machine itself, not a over-marinated medic with no driving abilities ploughing into it in a reinforced Range Rover.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Granted but still I can't take all the responsibility now. Therefore it's partly your fault that the coffee machine is lying in pieces on the floor.
Owen
********************
To: Colonel James Hassel
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrived in Cardiff
---
Dear Colonel,
My apologies for not replying to your emails earlier.
We look forward to your visit. We will all be on hand to greet you Sir.
Regards,
Captain Jack Harkness
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Well, I guess we'll see what you say once I've jammed those coffee machine pieces up your arse, now won't we.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Is that a promise, Mr tea-boy?
Owen
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Warning
---
Kids,
Red Alert! Colonel Hassel from U.N.I.T. will be here any moment.
Brace yourselves.
Jack.
********************
To: Your Hunk O' Lurve
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Problem at work
---
Hi Rhys,
I got your phone messages, all 27 of them. I tried to phone but I guess you're at the pub... we had a slight problem at work, I'll explain all about it when I get home. Shouldn't be more than a couple of hours I hope.
love you, Gwen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Indeed it is, Mr AA.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Shit! has anyone seen my alien surgical instruments?! I can't let those UNIT bastards get their hands on it!!
Owen
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Jack,
It would have been nice to have had a little more warning. How are we going to explain the mess in here?
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Fuck. What are they doing here? And what are we supposed to do with them?
Gwen Cooper
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Great, just what we need. Might I suggest trying to keep him limited to the Tourist Centre, Jack. We still have an SUV sticking through a wall in the main Hub, after all, and I don't think UNIT really needs to see that.
I can serve some tea, but there's still no coffee and I daren't ruin my reputation by serving instant.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Forget it Harper, you lost your chance. You won't be enjoying this kind of torture!
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
thanks for those ideas Ianto, might leave it a little bit though, let him get complacent first.
Gwen
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Arrival
---
Captain,
I am currently outside the address you have supplied previously to U.N.I.T and have found that it is a tourist office. I can inform you that I'm not really finding this amusing right now especially since I had to drop everything to come assess what is going on down here.
I suggest you email me promptly so I can get to your actual location before I decided that tracking you down and torturing interrogating you is a preferable scenario.
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
I'll do the meet and greet and maybe be able to divert him away from the Hub until morning. At least that will give everyone time to get tidied up and hide everything that we don't want him to see.
Jack.
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Fair enough. Let me know when you plan to do anything. I have a few ideas myself that I'm holding off on, partly because they're more amusing when he's not expecting them, and partly because I'm sure Jack would not be pleased with me about some of them. At the moment I've done the age old trick of superglue on his chair, so we will have the luxury of having to see him lose his pants to get out of it. I've already confiscated all his other pairs of pants (including all his hidden ones), so he'll have to walk around pants free for a while.
Ianto
********************
To: Colonel James Hassel
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
Sir,
You are in fact at the right location. I shall be joining you very shortly.
I'm sure you are feeling quite famished, so have arranged to take you out for a meal. I'm sure a slight delay in your investigation will not create any major dramas for U.N.I.T.
Oh and by the way, the meal is "on me".
Regards,
Captain Jack Harkness.
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
It's okay everyone, you can relax I've hidden all of the surgical instruments. We're all fine now.
Owen
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
You could always retcon him, Sir.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
Well I think I can divert Colonel Hassel for the rest of the evening, so that should give you all enough time to get the Hub in order. But he will be back in the morning to continue his investigation, which by the way was due to the rift spike.
And Owen, I suggest you should be "sucking up" to your colleagues right now, since they are saving your backside yet again.
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Retcon
---
I'm holding that in reserve for now Ianto. We'll see how things develop.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Central Cardiff Newsagency
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: We Are Holding Your Order
---
Dear Owen Harper
We are holding your latest order for you.
Please come and collect the following magazines, as soon as possible:
* Knockers & Knobs
* Jiggles & Wiggles
* Hot Asian Girlies
We thank you for your repeat business.
Sincerely,
Central Cardiff Newsagency
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
I'm going to attempt to back the SUV out of the Hub, so I'll need a little direction given it no longer has any side mirrors. Gwen? Tosh is a little busy and Owen is banned from anything to do with the SUV.
I believe there's a device down in the vault that works as an anti-gravity lifting device, which I am sure will help move the bricks and broken doors out, and I can find the vacuum for the glass (you get that job, Owen).
I'm going to try and fix the Rift Machine so there are no more of these energy spikes that have caught UNITs attention. I noted before that it's stuttering, so I'll try and fix it as best I can.
Jack, you might want to try and hide the limp. And your coat is covered in dust particles, so I would advise wearing your jacket instead.
Ianto
********************
To: Central Cardiff Newsagency
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: We Are Holding Your Order
---
Excellent news Guppy, I could do with some cheering up right now but it looks like I might be stuck here for the rest of the day. I'll be round to pick them up tomorrow okay?
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
I've already changed and yes my coat should go to the drycleaners I think - perhaps send that bill to Owen.
The limp is already improving - shouldn't have any trouble hiding it. But I'd better get moving as the Colonel isn't exactly what I would call a patient man!
Have fun with the clean up (oh, and permission to do whatever you want to with Owen this evening - I'm sure the girls will be happy to hear that).
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Well I'm going to offer to bring in coffee tomorrow morning, but instead of his super strong usual I'll bring him something weak, low fat, no foam and a double shot of something sickeningly sweet. That should do serve him right for starters!
What's the go with this UNIT bloke? Any idea what he's here for?
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I'm going to need a hot shower once we're finished with all this crap Ianto. I hope the bathrooms survived Owen's debacle.
Gwen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper, Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: UNIT and Owen
---
From what I can understand from Jack, UNIT has developed their own sort of Rift reading device and picked up readings of a Rift spike around the time Owen had his accident. The Colonel tried to contact Jack, and when he was unable to reach him came here. In effect, it's all Owen's fault.
Also, Jack has given me permission to do absolutely anything I like to Owen tonight. Anyone care to help make his life hell while Jack's away?
Ianto
********************
To: Maj Gen Arthur Hallow
From: Col James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Torchwood Investigation
---
Sir,
Just to keep you abreast of the current situation with Torchwood. I have just met with Capt Harkness. While there does not seem to be an immediate threat to humanity and the rift activity has settled since that initial spike according to A.R.S.E, I still get the impression that the Capt is hiding something.
I still have yet to see their headquarters. Can you believe the address they supplied was for a tourist bureau?
I have decided to 'play' along with the Capt and see what he reveals.
Permission to stay in Cardiff for the week?
James
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I can see no reason why they would be effect, Gwen, other than the fact that the hot water heater is attached to our power supply that went out, so it may take a while to heat up. After that, the showers will be fine. I think I'm going to need one myself.
You realise Owen almost hit me when he came through. I was sitting at my desk watching 'Magnum Force' when it happened, so I'm covered in quite a lot of dust.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Coffee
---
Until Ianto gets the coffee machine fixed/replaced I'm volunteering to bring supplies in each morning, so send me your orders please everyone.
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: UNIT and Owen
---
I would like nothing more than to see Owen squirm. After the past couple of hours, I could do with some entertainment. Do you have anything in mind?
Tosh
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Broken Tail-light
---
Guys, you might have to add a broken tail-light to the repair bill. I was trying to back the SUV out of the Hub but unfortunately I couldn't see where I was going because I knocked the side mirrors off on the way in, and well... you know.
Owen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
I'll have my usual, Gwen. And bring Owen's by before you give it to him. I have an extra ingredient or two I wish to add.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee
---
Gwen,
You just caught me - just get my usual; black and strong.
Thanks.
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Broken Tail-light
---
Owen, you have two seconds to start running before I shoot you in your other shoulder.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
Ianto,
Did Jack specify that we had to leave Owen breathing?
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
Actually Ianto, I think Owen would make excellent target practice.
That boy certainly has a death wish!
Jack.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
No, I don't believe he did. Have you seen the BBQ sauce?
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee
---
None for me thanks Gwen, I've got my 'coffee in a can'. It's not very nice but it's full of caffeine.
Owen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Thanks, Gwen. I'll just have my usual white with one.
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
It's a good thing you're not here, Sir, because it's going to get rather ugly. It might take a lot to calm me down, later. I don't think killing Owen and mutilating his body will be enough.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
I'll start looking for the sauce.
Tosh
********************
To: Col James Hassel
From: Maj Gen Arthur Hallow
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Torchwood Investigation
---
James,
You have my full permission to continue. This is the perfect opportunity for us to finally get a full recon on Torchwood.
Too long that Capt has been keeping us in the dark.
I trust you will leave no stone unturned.
Also, from the information we have gathered, you may be wise to play up to the "Torchwood" way of doing things. Not a lot mind, but a bit of flirting may do wonders.
In our training days you were always the ladies man. I think that may serve you well now!
Good Luck
Arthur
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
Well then I guess it's a good thing that you're not a very good shot
Owen.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
Nope, just found it. It was sitting in the window of Jack's office. I'll just give Owen a healthy dose of it now.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
Easy Ianto - you can cause him pain, but don't take it too far. I'd personally like to strangle him right now, but he does come in handy; sometimes!
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Not funny
---
Okay guys, I have been chased outside the Tourist information entrance by Myfanwy, and am currently freezing my bollocks off by virtue of the fact that somebody super glued my pants to the seat. I'm going home for a shower and a change of clothes.
Sodding bastards.
Owen.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
I managed to get the CCTV working prior to that little incident. Anyone interested in a copy?
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I believe Owen may have just grabbed the last sample and taken it with him to prevent us from using it. It was a good idea, though.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
Oh, yes please! I would love my own copy. I don't care what Owen says, but that was hilarious.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee
---
Don't be an idiot Owen, passing up free coffee? I'll bring you your usual super strong ok?
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
Damn. Wait! I've still got the bottle of tanning lotion he doctored... I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Oh, and I'd love a copy of that CCTV tape, I need a good laugh.
Gwen
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
One copy coming right up, Tosh. Also, you wouldn't mind helping me a moment with the Rift Machine. I'm having trouble working out why the cut-out switch didn't trigger. It should have come on as soon as Owen hit it placing the Machine on standby but it appears not to have worked, hence the Rift spike and current fluctuations.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I believe there's a bottle of peroxide lying around somewhere too. I'm considering adding it to his shampoo. I also ducked out before and let the air out of his tyres while Jack was yelling at him, so I don't think he's going anywhere.
One copy of the CCTV footage coming right up.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Very Funny
---
Okay very funny guys, i had to take a Taxi home because somebody let the air out of my tyres. And no Gwen I do not want any coffee, I've had enough pranks played on me for one day thank-you very much
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
That footage is going to get a lot of viewing. Of course I'll give you a hand, I'd like to find out why it didn't trigger. Although, no one ever imagined that someone would drive the SUV into it.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Very Funny
---
Considering the amount of damage you caused, and the trouble you've put the rest of us to, I'd say that you've gotten off very lightly.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Damn, Owen's not gotten complacent yet, anyone know how to doctor a can of coffee??
Gwen
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Back
---
Okay guys just so you know I'm back, and you can bet I'm going to be damn sure to stay out of everyone’s way from now on.
Owen.
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
To: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Wait a minute, Owen had a can of coffee? When exactly was this?
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Oh God, I can't remember exactly, sometime this afternoon I think it was. After the crash I think... sorry, not sure really.
Gwen
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Janet
---
I just had another phone call regarding a Weevil lingering around a Starbuck's in the city centre, so I'm off to pick up Janet. I'm going to take some heavy sedatives and some restraints so she doesn't wreck the back seat of my car. I'll be back soon.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood [All]
From: Jubilee Pizza
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
[This is an automated email - do not reply to this]
PIZZA SPECIALS THIS WEEK:
ALL THE MEAT YOU CAN EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We received a very large & special shipment of meat this week, so it's Eat Meat Week at Jubilee Pizza!
Tons of SALAMI and SAUSAGES galore ... and all slapped on a PIZZA!
Call in today for your Meaty Monster Pizza and we'll throw in a free "I LOVE EATING MEAT" car bumper sticker!
Get your MEAT today!!
Jubilee Pizza
** Remember, it's 100 pizzas, then a free garlic bread!
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Repairs
---
Guys all the debris has been cleared from the Hub. All we need to do now is to put up some temporary walls for UNIT's visit tomorrow, then we can get onto our 'usual' repair guys to get the place fixed up for good. Will continue to keep you updated.
Owen.
********************
To: Torchwood [All]
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
I think I'm going to throw up... can I just say, no pizza for me this week thanks!
I'll stick with anything that's kosher vegetarian...
Gwen
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
Right, there's still no hot water, it's going to take ages for the water to get to a decent temperature so I'm heading home for a hot bath and bed.
I'll see you all tomorrow sometime, I'm not going to guarantee that it will be early.
Gwen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
Goodnight, Gwen! I'm sure that Rhys will be pleased to see you. I probably won't be here for much longer myself.
Tosh
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Janet
---
I am going to ignore that pizza email. I think I'm going to be a vegetarian for the next month, at least until the stockpile clears out.
I managed to capture Janet relatively easily. In fact, I would go so far as to say she was rather glad to see me. I'm just about to bring her back to the Hub now, where I'll just make the last adjustment to the Rift Machine. I needed to pick up a few parts which I have now.
Jack, what's the story with UNIT? Are you done with the Colonel?
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
Ick! This couldn't have come at the worst possible time. I can't imagine anything worse. Seriously, do you think we need to investigate this meat? It does seem suspicious that they have a large quantity of meat. Perhaps a surprise visit by a Health Inspector may be in order?
Tosh
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: repairs
---
'Night freckles. I'm going to stay back the night and get this dump tidied up. You know, someone’s gotta be responsible around here.
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Colonel
---
Yes I'm more than "done" with the Colonel, thank God.
Not exactly what I would term a riveting evening.
Jack.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
I think a visit from the Health Inspectors can't hurt. I also find their timing a little odd. I think tomorrow we may need to send someone to retrieve a sample of the meat to see if it's related.
Ianto
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Colonel
---
You'll have to tell me all about it, Sir. Unless you're planning on spending the night at the Hub.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Ianto
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
I vote Owen be the one to spend the night at the Hub doing the repairs while the rest of us go home.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Colonel
---
No, no such plans. I think I'd rather be away from the Hub right now, thanks to Owen and his antics!
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
I really hope that it isn't because it makes me wonder how long we might have been eating it. Oh, I really wish I hadn't thought about it - it makes me feel ill.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
I think that sounds like a brilliant idea. After all, he is the one to get us into this mess.
Tosh
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
I think Owen is already fully aware that he is in for a very very long night!
Time for everyone, except Owen, to go home!
Goodnight kids!
Jack.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
Think about chocolate cake. Or perhaps just chocolate. Or maybe even chocolate smeared on a love one... now there's an idea. Anyway, should take your mind off the pizza and meat.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
Mmmm, chocolate is always good.
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Colonel
---
So what exactly are your plans for tonight, Jack? I'm going home for a shower myself.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: I'm off
---
I'm going to head home. Chocolate and a nice soft bed are calling to me.
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
It is indeed. Have a good night, Tosh.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Shower
---
Is that an invitation? Mind you, I never usually wait for an invitation, so I guess I'm coming home with you to enjoy a hot shower, since they are sadly lacking at the Hub at present. I presume that will be ok with you then Ianto?
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
Thank you all very much for stating the bleedin' obvious but I am already well aware of the fact that I am to be stuck here all night BY MYSELF tidying up the Hub and putting up temporary walls.
Just get out of here and leave me be, I'll get a hell of a lot more done without you anyway.
Owen.
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Shower
---
They are indeed scarce here at the moment, and I know you would rather be away from the Hub. Besides, I do believe I told you earlier that I would help you work that crick out of your spine from where Owen ran you down. If I recall I have some massage oil in my cupboard at home. If you're interested, of course.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Shower
---
Mmmmm, massage, oil, Ianto, all in one sentence. How can I refuse?
Let's go!
Jack.
PS and by the way, you're going to have to work very "hard" at getting that crick out of my back - just thought I should warn you.
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Shower
---
Don't worry, Jack. I was intending to work rather hard, and put a lot of effort into it too. You shall be quite satisfied by the time I'm finished. Let's leave Owen to it, shall we.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Leaving
---
Jack and I are just leaving, so I thought I'd wish you good luck considering how much you're going to need it. Just don't do anymore damage than what you've caused already.
See you in the morning.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Shower
---
Sounds good to me....
You always satisfy me Ianto!
And yes let's leave Owen to it. It is time for him to do some hard penance for today's efforts.
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
Um... Sorry, remind me again who exactly put you in charge? Tea-boy?
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
After damaging both the Rift Machine and the SUV, Jack has placed me in charge of your punishment, so I guess the answer would be 'Jack'.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
That's funny, I thought Gwen was second in charge. Something tells me she'll not be happy with you being given this authority simply because you're shagging the boss...
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
Tomorrow I am going to hurt you. A lot. Start planning your escape now.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
Of course.
Owen
********************
To be continued in Part 2
Special Note: This fic is actually still being completed and wraps up tonight at 10:30pm AEST. Currently the thread features the relevant avatars and signitures for the GEC, so if you would like to check it out, visit here.
Part: 1 of 8
Author(s): cally73 (Toshiko), Clarrisani (Ianto), djpugsly (Owen), Obsessed7 (Gwen), QL (Random Others), Ruthyf (Jack), and introducing universically (Colonel James Hassel), and Immortal_Aussie (Cassandra West)
Pairing(s): Multiple Pairings
Summary: Owen drinks one drink too many while behind the wheel of the SUV. Chaos happens.
Disclaimer: Not anyway connected to the BBC emails, just a bit of fun.
A/N: This is a sequel to the Torchwood Australia Group Email Challenge "It Started With A Broken Headlight". Again, I have permission to reproduce this here.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Systems Back Online
----
Just sending out this message to alert everyone to the fact Tosh and I have the server working again. You should all be able to access your emails and the internet now, which will make life a little easier.
I also have an update on exactly what needs to be repaired. I am going to be spending the next few hours repairing the Rift Machine, as this is top priority. I believe Owen should be the one to repair the hole in the garage wall and doors where he drove the SUV through, as well as replacing the glass of the armoury and repairing all the weapons. I also believe he should foot the bill for repairing the SUV.
Jack has confirmed that we have lost two days in the resulting minor Rift shockwave from when the SUV crashed into the Rift Machine. From what I can gather from Jack's explanation we were sent into a sort of coma but should be fine. He also says we should probably take an inventory in case anything slipped into the Rift during the shockwave.
I have already taken it upon myself to do a brief check and can tell you Myfanwy is accounted for, but as you know the shockwave knocked out our power so the cells are empty. I'm not sure exactly what happened to what we had down there. We've already had one phone call about a coffee drinking Weevil, so we will need to retrieve Janet at some point.
On the subject of coffee, Owen did manage to hit the coffee machine, so don't even bother asking. And Jack, I'm not giving you a back massage to work that crick out of your spine from where Owen ran you down.
Now, I'm not sure about anyone else, but I think a little enforced sobriety will do Owen a world of good. That, and dousing him in BBQ sauce and giving him a two second head start.
Ianto
P.S. Gwen, there were a dozen messages from Rhys on the answering machine. You might want to call him back.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: A Casualty
----
Owen,
There was one casualty amongst this, and I must regretfully inform you that I was unable to save your Sims game. I'm afraid that you'll just have to reinstall it. I did try my best.
Tosh
********************
o: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Sorry
---
Um, yeah... sorry guys for um, well driving the SUV through the garage wall, through the armoury, knocking out Ianto's workbench AND coffee machine (really sorry mate, don't hate me yeah?), running over Jack and then proceeding to crash into the Rift Machine, and any events thereafter.
Um... can we possibly settle this in a way that doesn't involve me having to take a dip in some strange slimy substance that causes me to turn all sorts of weird colours this time?
Until I hear something positive I'll be hiding in my little hidey-hole and be accessible through my PDA.
Owen
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 04 July 2008
Subject: Rift activity spike
----
Captain,
I have just been informed by our Appraisal of Rift Shift Examination (A.R.S.E) team that the rift in Cardiff experienced a major rift surge approximately half an hour ago. Following protocol and sending you this email as I haven't received official notification from yourself or nominated team member that there are no further issues.
Please inform ASAP if there is any issues
regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Bollocks. Little Alice and Emily will not be happy with me.
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Sorry
---
I assume you're referring to that little hideaway just off from the corridor into the morgue where you keep your secret stash of alcohol I just took the pleasure of tipping down the sink.
I doubt an apology is going to work this time, Owen. Nor will hiding in a location we all know about.
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 05 July 2008
Subject: Rift activity spike
----
Captain,
It has now been 24 hours and I have still not received notification of your status in Cardiff. Please respond immediately. If I don not receive any response in the next 24 hours than I will have no choice but to send an investigative team. Believe me, only the fact that there has been no further rift spikes has kept me from sending one in sooner.
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
----
Neither will little Martha and Gwen. I bet you thought that I didn't know about that!
Tosh
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Coming Up
---
Alright then, I'm coming up. Time to face the music I guess. Like mother always said, "You're a waste of space Owen Harper." Stupid mother. Guess I should wear the bullet proof armour hey Ianto?
Owen
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Server Backlog
----
Tosh,
I just did a check on the server and it would appear that there is a lot of backlogged emails. I've gone through and deleted the spam before they can hit our inboxes. I think we need to have another word with Jack about visiting porn sites.
I also noted that someone has been trying to hack into our system and may have obtained our email addresses. I'll let you decide what to do with her.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Of course I did. Knew all along. Don't worry there's not a model of you in my game *ahem*
Owen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Server Backlog
----
Ianto,
Jack just doesn't learn does he? Thanks for the heads up on that hacker. I'll just monitor her for the moment. It will be easy enough to shut her down if she becomes a problem.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coming Up
---
It would be in your better interest to start working on various antidotes to counter the poison I'm going to be putting in your coffee.
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Notification of impending investigation
----
Captain,
As previously stated, it has now been 48 hours since the initial incident. As no communication has been able to be initiated with Torchwood, I am coming to Cardiff to investigate in person. Please be aware that I will be in Cardiff ASAP.
Please be aware that I am missing vital meetings due to this and I would very much appreciate it if you would start to act in a much more professional manner.
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Cassandra West (cassandra_west@gmail.com)
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: DAMN!!!!
---
Hello, I know you don't know me but in follow up of Ianto's email to Tosh I'll admit that I did hack into your system and retrieve your email addresses.
I promise there isn't a nefarious (sp?) purpose to it!
First before you close this email I beg you to keep reading. My name is Cassandra West and I'm 17, and on exchange to Cardiff Christian College from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. You guys have always been heroes to me. I've always loved to hear about what you guys are doing to save the world from evil aliens... Part of this year (in six weeks to be precise) I and my fellow year mates have to under go work experience. Due to the fact you have always interested me I am begging you to allow me to do work experience with you for that one week. If not I'm always willing to do an after school job...
I'll do anything you want me to do... including feeding and cleaning up after Myfanwy and the Weevils...
Thank you for your time in reading this email.
Sincerely
Cassandra West
PS. I promise I'll try and not hack in to your systems anymore! *sniggers*
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coming Up
---
Not again. Last time I nearly shit myself a new arsehole. Took weeks to get the smell out of my apartment.
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
----
For some reason I don't quite believe you, Owen. At least I'm not getting killed every few hours. How many Ianto’s have you gone through now? If I didn't know better, I would swear that you were doing it deliberately.
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Owen
----
Jack,
I know you discourage it, but can I torture Owen? Please? I think he deserves it this time. Just a little cyanide in his coffee, some hot water on his lap, little bit of acid powder in his gloves that reacts to his DNA...
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Hacker
----
Tosh,
Perhaps a firewall so she can't read all our emails. The outside world do not need to know all our little secrets.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Well if you've got a better idea to kill time while waiting for the pizza to be delivered I'd like to hear it.
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Ianto,
Firewall is now up. She was obviously able to take advantage with our systems being off-line. I'll work on developing stronger protection in the event of another catastrophic event - we can't afford to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Owen,
You could do the same as the rest of us - work!
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Well, it least it wasn't UNIT. We'd be in real trouble had they been the ones to hack in. I've run a background check on this girl and she seems innocent enough. We better keep an eye on her in the meantime.
Ianto
********************
To: Cassandra West
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Your Email
---
Miss West,
I would like to remind you than any information that you have obtained regarding our organisation is of a highly sensitive nature, and may have serious consequences if in the wrong hands. I strongly suggest that you delete any information that you may have.
As for your desire for work experience with our organisation, your request will be taken into consideration by our team leader. He will be in touch.
Regards,
Toshiko Sato
********************
To: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato
From: Cassandra West (cassandra_west@gmail.com)
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: No Need to Worry
---
I see you put up the firewall but I promise on my life that I don't share anything that I find out with anyone else
Cassandra West
PS. Did you guys get my email about work experience?
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Yes, the last thing we need is UNIT turning up on our doorstep. We have enough to do without them under our feet.
I have sent her off a gentle warning about not making public any information she may have obtained. Do you think Jack would actually consider taking her on for work experience?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Eager little thing, isn't she. Here's hoping she's not another Eugene Jones. Not sure I can be bothered going through that again. At least he was stalking Gwen, this Cassandra seems more focussed on us at the moment.
Considering how much trouble I had convincing Jack to hire me, I doubt he'd take someone on for work experience.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
You lot seem to forget that my Job doesn't really start until we actually find something to study, or unless there's something that needs shooting. But do you appreciate what I do around here? No. Why I even bother I don't know.
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
Funny, I was just thinking about Eugene, myself. I really don't understand why people are so fascinated with us. It's not as if it's a glamorous job.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Advanced Warning
---
Owen, just letting you know that once I finish sorting out the issues with the email backlog I'm coming to confiscate your SUV keys. If your hide them, I am not above conducting a full body search, and I don't mean in a way that you will enjoy.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Yeah like you drive any better. Don't care anyway do I? Bleedin' stupid looking thing anyway. Every time you drive it anywhere the plastic bits come flying off it. I'll stick to my 'mid-life crisis' sport scar thank-you very much.
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Do not even start complaining to me about feeling under-appreciated. As for your workload, in case you haven't noticed, there's always something that needs to be done around this place. Unless of course you're only interested in dirtying your hands with alien entrails?
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Hacker
----
It's the thrill of the unknown. I suppose from the outside we're fascinating with our gadgets and danger. Not to mention our rather good looking boss. He can be a magnet for stalkers at times.
Ianto
********************
TO: Torchwood All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Oh my head
---
Oh my poor head. Owen, I don't know how you managed to do what you did but by God you're going to pay for it! I have a killer headache and now I have to go and deal with Rhys.
Ianto, if you have 'plans' let me know, I might just want to help!
Gwen
********************
TO: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
You can torture me anytime you like freckles!
Owen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
You mean those little plastic bits you pick the glue off when you're bored on a stake out and stick down again with bubblegum when you know I'm about to drive? I do go over the CCTV to the garage, and have been keeping a close eye on the SUV after the headlight and Top Fear incident. I still haven't forgiven you for that.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Ianto that was months ago. Get over it Jeez. Besides I thought the Rift machine was supposed to have an emergency cut-off switch in case it got hit with a power surge. Is it not your job to ensure that it is properly maintained?
Owen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Gwen, I'll slip you a post it note with a few ideas of what you could do to Owen on my way to the Rift Machine. I'm just heading that way now and had a feeling you might enjoy a little payback.
Ianto
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
Feeling slightly unappreciated are we Tosh? 'Cause I could sure show you some appreciation Wink
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
There is an emergency cut-off switch. It's just beside the garage door. I'm sure you'll find it when you start clearing away the rubble. As for the SUV... I think you have a lot of grovelling to do this time around if you ever want me to let you help in the archives ever again.
Ianto
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Arrived in Cardiff
---
Captain,
I have just touched down at the military base in Cardiff. Just a courtesy notification that I will be on route to your base in the next 5 mins. ETA approx 30mins
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: A Casualty
---
The only appreciation I want right now is a decent cup of coffee. I would ask Ianto, but oh wait.... the coffee machine is broken!!!!
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Not that one, the other one, you know the one inside the Rift Machine that breaks the circuit in the case of a power surge? Not to mention the other 20 or so failsafe’s that Tosh has installed? Where were they anyway?
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
That's beside the point, Owen. They were designed in case of alien attack or an overloading of the machine itself, not a over-marinated medic with no driving abilities ploughing into it in a reinforced Range Rover.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Granted but still I can't take all the responsibility now. Therefore it's partly your fault that the coffee machine is lying in pieces on the floor.
Owen
********************
To: Colonel James Hassel
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrived in Cardiff
---
Dear Colonel,
My apologies for not replying to your emails earlier.
We look forward to your visit. We will all be on hand to greet you Sir.
Regards,
Captain Jack Harkness
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Well, I guess we'll see what you say once I've jammed those coffee machine pieces up your arse, now won't we.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Is that a promise, Mr tea-boy?
Owen
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Warning
---
Kids,
Red Alert! Colonel Hassel from U.N.I.T. will be here any moment.
Brace yourselves.
Jack.
********************
To: Your Hunk O' Lurve
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Problem at work
---
Hi Rhys,
I got your phone messages, all 27 of them. I tried to phone but I guess you're at the pub... we had a slight problem at work, I'll explain all about it when I get home. Shouldn't be more than a couple of hours I hope.
love you, Gwen
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Advanced Warning
---
Indeed it is, Mr AA.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Shit! has anyone seen my alien surgical instruments?! I can't let those UNIT bastards get their hands on it!!
Owen
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Jack,
It would have been nice to have had a little more warning. How are we going to explain the mess in here?
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Fuck. What are they doing here? And what are we supposed to do with them?
Gwen Cooper
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
Great, just what we need. Might I suggest trying to keep him limited to the Tourist Centre, Jack. We still have an SUV sticking through a wall in the main Hub, after all, and I don't think UNIT really needs to see that.
I can serve some tea, but there's still no coffee and I daren't ruin my reputation by serving instant.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Forget it Harper, you lost your chance. You won't be enjoying this kind of torture!
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
thanks for those ideas Ianto, might leave it a little bit though, let him get complacent first.
Gwen
********************
To: Captain Jack Harkness
From: Colonel James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Arrival
---
Captain,
I am currently outside the address you have supplied previously to U.N.I.T and have found that it is a tourist office. I can inform you that I'm not really finding this amusing right now especially since I had to drop everything to come assess what is going on down here.
I suggest you email me promptly so I can get to your actual location before I decided that tracking you down and torturing interrogating you is a preferable scenario.
Regards,
Colonel Hassel
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
I'll do the meet and greet and maybe be able to divert him away from the Hub until morning. At least that will give everyone time to get tidied up and hide everything that we don't want him to see.
Jack.
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Fair enough. Let me know when you plan to do anything. I have a few ideas myself that I'm holding off on, partly because they're more amusing when he's not expecting them, and partly because I'm sure Jack would not be pleased with me about some of them. At the moment I've done the age old trick of superglue on his chair, so we will have the luxury of having to see him lose his pants to get out of it. I've already confiscated all his other pairs of pants (including all his hidden ones), so he'll have to walk around pants free for a while.
Ianto
********************
To: Colonel James Hassel
From: Captain Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
Sir,
You are in fact at the right location. I shall be joining you very shortly.
I'm sure you are feeling quite famished, so have arranged to take you out for a meal. I'm sure a slight delay in your investigation will not create any major dramas for U.N.I.T.
Oh and by the way, the meal is "on me".
Regards,
Captain Jack Harkness.
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
It's okay everyone, you can relax I've hidden all of the surgical instruments. We're all fine now.
Owen
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Warning
---
You could always retcon him, Sir.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
Well I think I can divert Colonel Hassel for the rest of the evening, so that should give you all enough time to get the Hub in order. But he will be back in the morning to continue his investigation, which by the way was due to the rift spike.
And Owen, I suggest you should be "sucking up" to your colleagues right now, since they are saving your backside yet again.
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Retcon
---
I'm holding that in reserve for now Ianto. We'll see how things develop.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Central Cardiff Newsagency
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: We Are Holding Your Order
---
Dear Owen Harper
We are holding your latest order for you.
Please come and collect the following magazines, as soon as possible:
* Knockers & Knobs
* Jiggles & Wiggles
* Hot Asian Girlies
We thank you for your repeat business.
Sincerely,
Central Cardiff Newsagency
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
I'm going to attempt to back the SUV out of the Hub, so I'll need a little direction given it no longer has any side mirrors. Gwen? Tosh is a little busy and Owen is banned from anything to do with the SUV.
I believe there's a device down in the vault that works as an anti-gravity lifting device, which I am sure will help move the bricks and broken doors out, and I can find the vacuum for the glass (you get that job, Owen).
I'm going to try and fix the Rift Machine so there are no more of these energy spikes that have caught UNITs attention. I noted before that it's stuttering, so I'll try and fix it as best I can.
Jack, you might want to try and hide the limp. And your coat is covered in dust particles, so I would advise wearing your jacket instead.
Ianto
********************
To: Central Cardiff Newsagency
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: We Are Holding Your Order
---
Excellent news Guppy, I could do with some cheering up right now but it looks like I might be stuck here for the rest of the day. I'll be round to pick them up tomorrow okay?
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Arrival
---
I've already changed and yes my coat should go to the drycleaners I think - perhaps send that bill to Owen.
The limp is already improving - shouldn't have any trouble hiding it. But I'd better get moving as the Colonel isn't exactly what I would call a patient man!
Have fun with the clean up (oh, and permission to do whatever you want to with Owen this evening - I'm sure the girls will be happy to hear that).
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Oh my head
---
Well I'm going to offer to bring in coffee tomorrow morning, but instead of his super strong usual I'll bring him something weak, low fat, no foam and a double shot of something sickeningly sweet. That should do serve him right for starters!
What's the go with this UNIT bloke? Any idea what he's here for?
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I'm going to need a hot shower once we're finished with all this crap Ianto. I hope the bathrooms survived Owen's debacle.
Gwen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper, Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: UNIT and Owen
---
From what I can understand from Jack, UNIT has developed their own sort of Rift reading device and picked up readings of a Rift spike around the time Owen had his accident. The Colonel tried to contact Jack, and when he was unable to reach him came here. In effect, it's all Owen's fault.
Also, Jack has given me permission to do absolutely anything I like to Owen tonight. Anyone care to help make his life hell while Jack's away?
Ianto
********************
To: Maj Gen Arthur Hallow
From: Col James Hassel
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Torchwood Investigation
---
Sir,
Just to keep you abreast of the current situation with Torchwood. I have just met with Capt Harkness. While there does not seem to be an immediate threat to humanity and the rift activity has settled since that initial spike according to A.R.S.E, I still get the impression that the Capt is hiding something.
I still have yet to see their headquarters. Can you believe the address they supplied was for a tourist bureau?
I have decided to 'play' along with the Capt and see what he reveals.
Permission to stay in Cardiff for the week?
James
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I can see no reason why they would be effect, Gwen, other than the fact that the hot water heater is attached to our power supply that went out, so it may take a while to heat up. After that, the showers will be fine. I think I'm going to need one myself.
You realise Owen almost hit me when he came through. I was sitting at my desk watching 'Magnum Force' when it happened, so I'm covered in quite a lot of dust.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Coffee
---
Until Ianto gets the coffee machine fixed/replaced I'm volunteering to bring supplies in each morning, so send me your orders please everyone.
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: UNIT and Owen
---
I would like nothing more than to see Owen squirm. After the past couple of hours, I could do with some entertainment. Do you have anything in mind?
Tosh
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Broken Tail-light
---
Guys, you might have to add a broken tail-light to the repair bill. I was trying to back the SUV out of the Hub but unfortunately I couldn't see where I was going because I knocked the side mirrors off on the way in, and well... you know.
Owen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
I'll have my usual, Gwen. And bring Owen's by before you give it to him. I have an extra ingredient or two I wish to add.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee
---
Gwen,
You just caught me - just get my usual; black and strong.
Thanks.
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Broken Tail-light
---
Owen, you have two seconds to start running before I shoot you in your other shoulder.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
Ianto,
Did Jack specify that we had to leave Owen breathing?
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
Actually Ianto, I think Owen would make excellent target practice.
That boy certainly has a death wish!
Jack.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
No, I don't believe he did. Have you seen the BBQ sauce?
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee
---
None for me thanks Gwen, I've got my 'coffee in a can'. It's not very nice but it's full of caffeine.
Owen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Thanks, Gwen. I'll just have my usual white with one.
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
It's a good thing you're not here, Sir, because it's going to get rather ugly. It might take a lot to calm me down, later. I don't think killing Owen and mutilating his body will be enough.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
I'll start looking for the sauce.
Tosh
********************
To: Col James Hassel
From: Maj Gen Arthur Hallow
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Torchwood Investigation
---
James,
You have my full permission to continue. This is the perfect opportunity for us to finally get a full recon on Torchwood.
Too long that Capt has been keeping us in the dark.
I trust you will leave no stone unturned.
Also, from the information we have gathered, you may be wise to play up to the "Torchwood" way of doing things. Not a lot mind, but a bit of flirting may do wonders.
In our training days you were always the ladies man. I think that may serve you well now!
Good Luck
Arthur
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
Well then I guess it's a good thing that you're not a very good shot
Owen.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Broken Tail-light
---
Nope, just found it. It was sitting in the window of Jack's office. I'll just give Owen a healthy dose of it now.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Broken Tail-light
---
Easy Ianto - you can cause him pain, but don't take it too far. I'd personally like to strangle him right now, but he does come in handy; sometimes!
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Not funny
---
Okay guys, I have been chased outside the Tourist information entrance by Myfanwy, and am currently freezing my bollocks off by virtue of the fact that somebody super glued my pants to the seat. I'm going home for a shower and a change of clothes.
Sodding bastards.
Owen.
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
I managed to get the CCTV working prior to that little incident. Anyone interested in a copy?
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I believe Owen may have just grabbed the last sample and taken it with him to prevent us from using it. It was a good idea, though.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
Oh, yes please! I would love my own copy. I don't care what Owen says, but that was hilarious.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re. Coffee
---
Don't be an idiot Owen, passing up free coffee? I'll bring you your usual super strong ok?
Gwen
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
Damn. Wait! I've still got the bottle of tanning lotion he doctored... I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Oh, and I'd love a copy of that CCTV tape, I need a good laugh.
Gwen
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
One copy coming right up, Tosh. Also, you wouldn't mind helping me a moment with the Rift Machine. I'm having trouble working out why the cut-out switch didn't trigger. It should have come on as soon as Owen hit it placing the Machine on standby but it appears not to have worked, hence the Rift spike and current fluctuations.
Ianto
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Arrival
---
I believe there's a bottle of peroxide lying around somewhere too. I'm considering adding it to his shampoo. I also ducked out before and let the air out of his tyres while Jack was yelling at him, so I don't think he's going anywhere.
One copy of the CCTV footage coming right up.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Very Funny
---
Okay very funny guys, i had to take a Taxi home because somebody let the air out of my tyres. And no Gwen I do not want any coffee, I've had enough pranks played on me for one day thank-you very much
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Not funny
---
That footage is going to get a lot of viewing. Of course I'll give you a hand, I'd like to find out why it didn't trigger. Although, no one ever imagined that someone would drive the SUV into it.
Tosh
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Very Funny
---
Considering the amount of damage you caused, and the trouble you've put the rest of us to, I'd say that you've gotten off very lightly.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Damn, Owen's not gotten complacent yet, anyone know how to doctor a can of coffee??
Gwen
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Back
---
Okay guys just so you know I'm back, and you can bet I'm going to be damn sure to stay out of everyone’s way from now on.
Owen.
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
To: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Wait a minute, Owen had a can of coffee? When exactly was this?
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Coffee
---
Oh God, I can't remember exactly, sometime this afternoon I think it was. After the crash I think... sorry, not sure really.
Gwen
********************
To: All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Janet
---
I just had another phone call regarding a Weevil lingering around a Starbuck's in the city centre, so I'm off to pick up Janet. I'm going to take some heavy sedatives and some restraints so she doesn't wreck the back seat of my car. I'll be back soon.
Ianto
********************
To: Torchwood [All]
From: Jubilee Pizza
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
[This is an automated email - do not reply to this]
PIZZA SPECIALS THIS WEEK:
ALL THE MEAT YOU CAN EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We received a very large & special shipment of meat this week, so it's Eat Meat Week at Jubilee Pizza!
Tons of SALAMI and SAUSAGES galore ... and all slapped on a PIZZA!
Call in today for your Meaty Monster Pizza and we'll throw in a free "I LOVE EATING MEAT" car bumper sticker!
Get your MEAT today!!
Jubilee Pizza
** Remember, it's 100 pizzas, then a free garlic bread!
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Repairs
---
Guys all the debris has been cleared from the Hub. All we need to do now is to put up some temporary walls for UNIT's visit tomorrow, then we can get onto our 'usual' repair guys to get the place fixed up for good. Will continue to keep you updated.
Owen.
********************
To: Torchwood [All]
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
I think I'm going to throw up... can I just say, no pizza for me this week thanks!
I'll stick with anything that's kosher vegetarian...
Gwen
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Gwen Cooper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
Right, there's still no hot water, it's going to take ages for the water to get to a decent temperature so I'm heading home for a hot bath and bed.
I'll see you all tomorrow sometime, I'm not going to guarantee that it will be early.
Gwen
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
Goodnight, Gwen! I'm sure that Rhys will be pleased to see you. I probably won't be here for much longer myself.
Tosh
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Janet
---
I am going to ignore that pizza email. I think I'm going to be a vegetarian for the next month, at least until the stockpile clears out.
I managed to capture Janet relatively easily. In fact, I would go so far as to say she was rather glad to see me. I'm just about to bring her back to the Hub now, where I'll just make the last adjustment to the Rift Machine. I needed to pick up a few parts which I have now.
Jack, what's the story with UNIT? Are you done with the Colonel?
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
Ick! This couldn't have come at the worst possible time. I can't imagine anything worse. Seriously, do you think we need to investigate this meat? It does seem suspicious that they have a large quantity of meat. Perhaps a surprise visit by a Health Inspector may be in order?
Tosh
********************
To: Gwen Cooper
From: Owen Harper
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: repairs
---
'Night freckles. I'm going to stay back the night and get this dump tidied up. You know, someone’s gotta be responsible around here.
Owen.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Colonel
---
Yes I'm more than "done" with the Colonel, thank God.
Not exactly what I would term a riveting evening.
Jack.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
I think a visit from the Health Inspectors can't hurt. I also find their timing a little odd. I think tomorrow we may need to send someone to retrieve a sample of the meat to see if it's related.
Ianto
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 06 July 2008
Subject: Re: Colonel
---
You'll have to tell me all about it, Sir. Unless you're planning on spending the night at the Hub.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Ianto
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
I vote Owen be the one to spend the night at the Hub doing the repairs while the rest of us go home.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Colonel
---
No, no such plans. I think I'd rather be away from the Hub right now, thanks to Owen and his antics!
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
I really hope that it isn't because it makes me wonder how long we might have been eating it. Oh, I really wish I hadn't thought about it - it makes me feel ill.
Tosh
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
I think that sounds like a brilliant idea. After all, he is the one to get us into this mess.
Tosh
********************
To: Torchwood All
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
I think Owen is already fully aware that he is in for a very very long night!
Time for everyone, except Owen, to go home!
Goodnight kids!
Jack.
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
Think about chocolate cake. Or perhaps just chocolate. Or maybe even chocolate smeared on a love one... now there's an idea. Anyway, should take your mind off the pizza and meat.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
Mmmm, chocolate is always good.
Tosh
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Colonel
---
So what exactly are your plans for tonight, Jack? I'm going home for a shower myself.
Ianto
********************
To: All
From: Toshiko Sato
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: I'm off
---
I'm going to head home. Chocolate and a nice soft bed are calling to me.
Tosh
********************
To: Toshiko Sato
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Pizza Menu Specials for our Valued Customers
---
It is indeed. Have a good night, Tosh.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Shower
---
Is that an invitation? Mind you, I never usually wait for an invitation, so I guess I'm coming home with you to enjoy a hot shower, since they are sadly lacking at the Hub at present. I presume that will be ok with you then Ianto?
Jack.
********************
To: All
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Repairs
---
Thank you all very much for stating the bleedin' obvious but I am already well aware of the fact that I am to be stuck here all night BY MYSELF tidying up the Hub and putting up temporary walls.
Just get out of here and leave me be, I'll get a hell of a lot more done without you anyway.
Owen.
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Shower
---
They are indeed scarce here at the moment, and I know you would rather be away from the Hub. Besides, I do believe I told you earlier that I would help you work that crick out of your spine from where Owen ran you down. If I recall I have some massage oil in my cupboard at home. If you're interested, of course.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Shower
---
Mmmmm, massage, oil, Ianto, all in one sentence. How can I refuse?
Let's go!
Jack.
PS and by the way, you're going to have to work very "hard" at getting that crick out of my back - just thought I should warn you.
********************
To: Jack Harkness
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Shower
---
Don't worry, Jack. I was intending to work rather hard, and put a lot of effort into it too. You shall be quite satisfied by the time I'm finished. Let's leave Owen to it, shall we.
Ianto
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Leaving
---
Jack and I are just leaving, so I thought I'd wish you good luck considering how much you're going to need it. Just don't do anymore damage than what you've caused already.
See you in the morning.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Jack Harkness
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Shower
---
Sounds good to me....
You always satisfy me Ianto!
And yes let's leave Owen to it. It is time for him to do some hard penance for today's efforts.
Jack.
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
Um... Sorry, remind me again who exactly put you in charge? Tea-boy?
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
After damaging both the Rift Machine and the SUV, Jack has placed me in charge of your punishment, so I guess the answer would be 'Jack'.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
That's funny, I thought Gwen was second in charge. Something tells me she'll not be happy with you being given this authority simply because you're shagging the boss...
Owen.
********************
To: Owen Harper
From: Ianto Jones
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
Tomorrow I am going to hurt you. A lot. Start planning your escape now.
Ianto
********************
To: Ianto Jones
From: Owen Harper
Date: 07 July 2008
Subject: Re: Leaving
---
Of course.
Owen
********************
To be continued in Part 2
Special Note: This fic is actually still being completed and wraps up tonight at 10:30pm AEST. Currently the thread features the relevant avatars and signitures for the GEC, so if you would like to check it out, visit here.