The TV Movie
Previous: Season 26: Survival
The TV Movie
Guys what is this we are less than 40 seconds in and we've already had the Master killed by chipmunk Daleks I don't even
OH WAIT A SEC EPIC TITLE SEQUENCE COMING UP I AM NOW DISTRACTED BY SHINY THINGS.
WHY CAN'T THIS VOLUME GO UP ANY HIGHER WHY DO I FIND THIS TITLE SEQUENCE SO DAMN AWESOME
Okay, calming down now. But seriously, seeing Sylvester McCoy's name in whooshing-time-tunnel-credits form is a strange squee-moment.
HEY THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER'S BACK! And I wonder if this is the only time in canon that Seven is actually referred to as the Seventh.
Umm...last time I checked, dead Time Lord remains in a jar in a box couldn't ROAR.
And not only does the box crack, but the record starts skipping on the word "time."
Why does Seven's "oh shit" face make me laugh? I don't know. But it does. Cut to a fish getting its head chopped off.
Ah, San Francisco Chinatown! I haven't been there since 2006...and you must be Chang Lee! I keep forgetting you exist.
Woah, hey, dudes, don't shoot up the TARDIS!
ALSO DON'T SHOOT UP SEVEN OH MY GOD
"Is he rich? 'Cause where we're going, he'd better be rich. Here."
"Hey, I'm not signing anything, mister!"
"Sign, or we can't do nothin'!"
Wow. We're only about 10 minutes in and the movie's already taking cracks at the American health care system. Oh wait, WE made this movie...
"Name: Smith, John." Clever kid.
The Master turned into a snake. How did the Master turn into a snake. He was a streak of fluid a couple minutes ago.
Our first shot of Dr. Grace Holloway: Smiling and crying at the opera. Classification: The romantic. Ho boy...
She OPERATES with OPERA music playing. I really do have to ask...WHY?
Seven's awake and basically begging for his life. Oh god...oh god they're not going to believe he's not human THEY'RE GOING TO CUT HIM OPEN.
Everything's going black...and this operation's being WATCHED BY OBSERVERS? This is going to all kinds of not end well.
Oh. Sweet. Mothingloving Jesus. And I thought Five's death was scary. That...that was just straight-up TERRIFYING.
I mean, I watch House so I see scenes like this happen all the time, but NOT TO A CHARACTER I LOVE LIKE THE DOCTOR OH GOD.
A cardiologist in a blue opera dress chasing a Chinese kid with stolen Time Lord property. This show. I mean, this movie.
Guys. Can we please dispense with the extended shots of Sylvester McCoy's "dead" feet. Do we really need to see this.
Not going to comment on what snake!Master just did. Just...not.
Oh, and the dude at the morgue is watching Frankenstein with actual thunder outside. I think we ALL know where this is going...
"It's alive...It's alive! It's alive!! IT'S ALIIIIVE!!!" HELLO, EIGHT!
METAL DOORS AND HOSPITAL MEN FALL BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MCGANN'S SEXINESS. (My apologies, but I felt obligated to make that joke.)
Eight totters down a hallway, humming to himself while a child cries off in the distance. And THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.
Windows blown open, flower petals scattered everywhere, broken stuff and water also everywhere, what is this, the hospital apocalypse room?
Oh wait, no, it's the Painfully Obvious Symbolism Room. "WHOOOO. AAAAM. IIIIIIIII?" *THUNDERLIGHTNINGTHUNDERLIGHTNING*
So now it's the next morning and Eight STILL hasn't gotten around to grabbing some clothes?
Let's see, there's a scarf...I wonder if this is going to follow the tradition of past costumes making cameo appearances.
There's his jacket! And what's with the Nixon mask?
"I must find the Doctor. This body won't last long." Oh god. I already hate Roberts!Master's voice. A LOT.
I'm already beginning to understand why fans consider him to be the bad kind of camp. *sigh*
I have to admit, I kinda like how they're portraying Post-Regeneration Brain-Crazies as a delirium instead of spazziness this time.
Also, I'm beginning to like Grace now. Standing up to her corporate dickhead of a boss...
And now it's time for an Awkward Elevator Scene! Courtesy of Grace and Eight!
ADLSFHKLASHFLDASHFLDASHF EIGHT JUST PULLED THE LOST PROBE OUT OF HIS ABDOMEN THAT WAS SQUICKY EW
Well, at least now it won't take Grace long to realize who he really is.
I never thought I'd say this but OH MY GOD MASTER SHUT UP.
"You're trying to tell me that you came back from the dead."
"Yes."
"No, I'm sorry, the dead stay dead. You can't turn back time."
"Yes, you can."
I am in love with Eight's facial expressions right now.
Chang Lee might've just given my new favorite TARDIS interior reaction: Glance around, headshake, leave. No words, just looking and leaving.
Two questions: 1) When did the TARDIS interior turn into a Victorian mansion? 2) HOW/WHY/WHEN DID THE MASTER GET THERE?
I guess that was the silent, green-eyed way of saying "I am the Master, and you will obey me."
"What's in it for me?"
"You get to LIVE."
Why do I feel like I've heard that line in about a million other movies?
Somehow I don't think leaving the Doctor's blood on a slide was a very good idea. The camera emphasis says so.
"A meteor storm! The sky above us was DANCING with lights! Purple, green, brilliant yellow! Yes!"
"What?"
"These SHOES! They fit PERFECTLY."
YES. FINALLY. THAT LINE. EIGHT I THINK I LOVE YOU.
Apparently the TARDIS keeps lit torches surrounding mysterious dungeon-like environments. Why.
That sound you just retroactively heard was the minds of a million fans breaking as the Doctor finally shed his asexuality.
"I know who I am!" *mooch* "I. Am. The Doctor!"
"Good! Now do that again..." *mooch*
And the fandom facepalmed as one.
WOAH HELLO AGAIN SEVEN
What's that, Master? The Doctor's half-what? I'm sorry, I don't think I quite heard you right. I'll just pretend you didn't say anything.
QUICK THROW IN AS MUCH OUT-OF-CONTEXT CONTINUITY NODS AS YOU CAN. TARDIS EYE OF HARMONY MASTER KEEP GOING.
Grace, the Doctor just WALKED THROUGH GLASS. WIBBLY-WOBBLY GLASS. I think maybe you should hang up the phone now.
OH JESUS EVERYONE EVER WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT ROBERTS!MASTER SPITTING ACID SEMEN FROM HIS MOUTH
"H-he's...British."
"I suppose I am. Jelly Baby, officer?"
"Jelly Baby?"
"Just...take it."
"Now would you stand by before I shoot myself?"
Oooo, is this a police-motorcycle/ambulance chase scene I see?
"Hey man, when I get all that gold, you know what I'm gonna do?"
"I DON'T want to know."
"Hah! You kill me."
"You want me to kill you?"
"I FINALLY meet the right guy and he's from another planet!" Grace, WHAT about driving over railway tracks prompted you to say that?
Well, getting up to the clock was easy. Now we've got the approximate timespan of one episode left...
Cloister bells! Usually there's more urgency and panic when that happens. Especially if you're saying "the TARDIS is dying."
Apparently the acid semen can mind-control people. ...Ew.
"I always dress for the occasion." Oh. God. Whoever has brain bleach left over from wiping Roberts!Master from their minds, can I have some?
"Lee is the son I have always yearned for." *kiss*
"...oh...PLEASE..."
Wow. Thank you, Eight. That was actually the PERFECT reaction.
Will someone please explain the metal bondage gear that the Master put Eight in? With nails? I mean, really?
Also, how does the Master kissing Grace undo the mind-control?
THIRTY SECONDS TO SAVE THE WORLD
The TARDIS lives! But the engine noises are sounding pretty weak...
O hai thar. Im the eye o harmonee. Im in ur tardis, nomming ur masturz.
an rezzing ur companyons. (No. Seriously. What. Since when can the TARDIS bring people back to life.)
And we're back where we started: Doctor in TARDIS, Doctor with book, Doctor with pretty music...
I'm feeling a really weird sensation with the closing credits of this.
On one hand I'm thinking "Wow. That whole movie was pretty pointless." But on the other hand "But I wanted to see Eight do more stuff!"
Now I have even more incentive to hunt down some Eight Doctor audios, because I'd REALLY love to see McGann stretch his Doctor wings more.
Also, I don't understand how Eric Roberts could be listed as "Special Guest Star" when he's PLAYING THE VILLAIN.