The Two Doctors
Previous: The Mark of The Rani
The Two Doctors
Hey, I didn't know this was written by Robert HolmTWO AND JAMIE IN BLACK AND WHITE HI GUYS *flails*
And now we're in COLOR!
"Jamie, come here. Look at that."
"Look at the size o' THAT thing, Doctor!"
"Yes, Jamie, that IS a big one."
#ohmyjesusIfuckinglovethishow
"Well, obviously it's grown." So have you two, apparently.
I hear Jamie sigh like that and all I can think is "Oh come on, Doctor, why can't we ever do anything FUN together?"
Oh wow. Hello, Shockeye. You certainly make one hell of a first impression. And when did Two get so...dickish?
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE WAS REACHING FOR A KNIFE THERE. Which begs the question, what's he going to do with that cucumber?
"Such a tender succulence..." Oh right, this is the story about cannibalism, isn't it. Either way, stop hitting on Jamie.
Oh wait, he WAS reaching for a knife o_o
"I can just TASTE that flesh..." *SLAM* Okay. I've joked about all kinds of double-entendres in this show, but THAT just takes the cake.
Seriously. Like, every cake in the history of ever.
"But you still act on their instructions?"
"It's the price I pay for my freedom."
That only half makes sense.
Sontaran battle cruisers: Giant floating balls.
"You know I think it was Rassilon who once said 'There are few ways in which a Time Lord can be more innocently occupied than catching fish"
Hello again, Six! Peri, please put a shirt on.
"That's it, yes, give him his head..." Apparently Holmes decided to call a meeting of the Innuendo Squad for this story.
"And what are you smiling at, you hairy-legged Highlander?"
"I'm just admiring your diplomatic skills!"
Jamie McCrimmon > everyone.
"I thank you not to speak in that APPALLING mongrel dialect!"
"I mean he's gone to sleep!"
"He's no asleep."
*point*
"He's NOT asleep Jamie"
Oh wow. Two and Jamie have turned into almost a worse bickering-married-couple than Six and Peri.
Two in a tube, Six on the floor, Sontarans at the console...doing what, exactly?
Shockeye, Jamie is not a wild animal. See? He has a knife. He will fight you.
"Can I get you anything? Uh, celery! That's what you need!"
"Celery...yes! And the tensile strength of...jelly babies!"
I'm a little surprised that Peri is so confused, since she's SEEN the Doctor regenerate and knows he has past lives.
Wait, how many historical business cards can he HAVE in there?
Not-happy Peri is REALLY not-happy.
Hello, Mysterious Disembodied Purple Voice.
You know, sometimes I really honestly have to wonder why Peri sticks around with the Doctor when she complains so much.
Wow. Six basically just got to cop a feel. Strange appreciation for Colin Baker for being able to carry her.
"I love games, Doctor. Games where I'm NOT expecting to end up dead!"
"You know, sometimes, young Peri, you make amazingly shrewd remarks!" I'm actually impressed that she figured this out before the Doctor.
Maybe the Doctor's thing with bananas goes back further than I thought. He just randomly pulled one out of his pocket.
Shockeye just attacked an old blind woman in what appears to be a house of prayer. GUYS. SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HELL.
"Just put your arms over your head and slide!"
"What happens if I get stuck?"
"I shouldn't advise that, I'll be right behind you."
Wow. The wiring in there is almost as colorful and mismatched as Six's coat.
With the combination of that lighting and that weird headband that Peri's wearing, she almost looks Egyptian right now.
"I mount them in my collection, so that I can sit and admire them."
"Don't you have a television?"
So we're left with Six gassed and hanging by cables and Peri embroiled in YET MORE RAPE-LIKE IMAGERY. JESUS, GUYS.
Holy crap. Arcalian's hint was right. Jamie...why. Just...WHY. (Also, YOU'RE WEARING PANTS. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY.)
"Jamie!"
"What?"
"It's Jamie! Well, how did he get here? He should be with me!"
Six is taking this with fewer grains of salt than I thought.
OH MY GOD SIX STOP STICKING NEEDLES INTO HIS NECK HOLY CRAP
"I seem to remember I was always rather fond of Jamie." ... :3
I wonder if Six remembered his hypnosis watch as Two and decided to use it on Jamie here.
WHY ARE YOU SHOWING HIM PULLING THE NEEDLES OUT OF JAMIE'S NECK OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY PLEASE STOP THAT
So Six says that the Sontarans are in on this because they think the Rutans have found a new ally? That war really never DOES end, does it?
"Doctor, who're the Rutans?"
"Oh, the Sontarans and the Rutans are old enemies."
"They've been fighting each other across the galaxy for so long they've almost forgotten what started it." Guess that answers that question.
Six, a few centuries might be a frighteningly short time for YOU, but not for a human like Peri. There's no need to facepalm.
Woah woah woah WAIT. WHAT. Six is musing about the tragedy of the end of the universe and then UNEXPECTED PERI-IN-A-JAR.
AND THEN SHE TURNED INTO DASTARI AND THEN TWO AND THEN HERSELF AGAIN AND oh yeah, Six just said that the fabric of time was falling apart...
"He's not the Doctor I know."
"I am so, Jamie McCrimmon. I am another aspect of him as he is of me."
"Aye?"
"I WAS him, he WILL be me."
"...Who will *I* be?"
"So THAT'S how you control the TARDIS: symbiosis!" NOW Peri understands the science stuff; a botany student WOULD know about symbiosis.
"Now while my mind is out of my body, don't touch me." Did I already mention that I kinda wish I was counting the double entendres in this?
Oh wow. Two wakes up and they BOTH scream for Jamie. I am a happy slashy clam right now.
I think Six's brain officially decided to stop working properly for a bit after that. "BOING. Something about getting my hair cut..."
"There was very little in her mind to absorb."
"Nor in her body. Nothing but bone and gristle."
OKAY. SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FLIPPING FUCK.
As I said before: blind. old woman. at prayer, and Shockeye kills her and tries to EAT HER. This is FAR beyond a "what is this I don't even"
And they just showed him breaking a wine cellar rat's neck and eating it. I honestly cannot believe they ACTUALLY decided to include this.
It says that the prop rat was filled with "damsons." Anyone know what those are? I'm too lazy/busy watching to look it up right now. #lies
And then Jamie comes out of the TARDIS wardrobe room wearing one of the spiffiest Scot outfits EVER. #thankyoufrazerhines
"Ah! You look better after your change of clothes and bath! You should try it more often!"
"Oh, thank you! ...What?"
And now canon has given us a perfectly legitimate excuse to picture Jamie in the bath. God exists and he wants us to be happy.
"If anything happens to myself as a result, I will never forgive himself!"
"Oh, I DO wish you would stop switching person pronouns!"
Ah, this must be where Six hangs up the Dazzling Coat of Many Colors for a little bit and opts for a much more tasteful vest.
Colin Baker's eyebrows keep disappearing and reappearing in this scene and it's just a little weird.
Actually, something tells me they've been doing that for a while but I just haven't noticed before now.
"Release them into time and every civilized people in the galaxy will curse your name! Do you hear me? Oh my giddy aunt...oh crumbs... :{"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but that may've been the only time in the entire series that the Doctor has been bitchslapped by a Sontaran.
"That is for a slur on my people!"
"And for that, I DEMAND SATISFACTION!"
"You know that is impossible!"
"I am challenging you to a DUEL!"
Dear World: What. -Hannah
Ah. I see now. "Well that didn't work, did it?"
I'm slightly amused by the fact that Shockeye is gaining respect for humans just by reading their cookbooks.
I also have to admit that I'm really rather fond of the image of Six sneaking around with that vest. He almost looks...like a normal person.
So it looks like Shockeye's getting on board the Hot For Peri Express. Except, being Shockeye, I think I know where this thread is going.
Oh wow. I think Peri just saved Two from getting something vital sawed off. WHEW.
Aww, Jamie's jealous that Anita gave Six a kiss on the cheek and not him.
Finishing tomorrow. Will Peri get eated?
Peri seems to be getting hauled around a lot in this story.
"My money's still on the Rutans." Even though Horror of Fang Rock revealed them as giant glowy green space jellyfish?
Jamie is ready for stabbing tiems nao.
And he even left the knife in the Sontaran's leg. Nice.
Yikes. Apparently the Sontarans have GREEN blood o_o
DOCTORS COLLIDE! Let's see how this goes...
Flimsy cardboard restraints are flimsy.
Also, androgum!Two is kind of REALLY TERRIFYING. I didn't know that Pat could get that wide-eyed.
Sounds like Two and Shockeye are getting ready to dress up and go out to eat. I wonder where this thread is going.
"A double-double-cross! Gets more interesting by the minute!" And also confusing.
Oh wow. Two and Shockeye. In top hats and tails. And neckties. Arm-in-arm. Couldn't make that up if I tried.
And now they're hijacking a truck. For some (probably plot) reason, I approve of these shenanigans.
Looks like they're taking the fight to a restaurant district in Seville. I sense impending craziness not far on the horizon...
...and then there was a Sontar-splosion!
Oh, hello! It's that moth collector from earlier! I'd forgotten that he worked in a restaurant.
"Do you serve humans here?"
"Most of the time, sir."
Uh oh, Six is getting hungry for cat...
Ah yes, here we go: The Bill. I don't see this ending well.
"He is asking for money."
"Money?"
"Tokens of exchange."
...when did Pat's voice go down an octave?
And naturally the thespian goes out quoting Hamlet. Oh, the Narm...
Wait, how is Two magically back to normal now?
So we're about 15 minutes from the end of the story and Six and Two STILL haven't had a proper introduction to himself.
I like how Team Two and Team Six have their own distinct ways of holding their hands in the air. Two and Jamie really reach for the sky.
The JNT era really liked its severed limbs, didn't it? Hello, disembodied Sontaran leg!
"Take the one in the skirt." Is it weird of me that I thought she was referring to Peri at first?
So I'm not sure if Two knows who Six really is, but they're talking in synch now, so I'm sure he must have some inkling.
Six, why are you RUNNING and just LEAVING JAMIE BEHIND? Especially the "running" part because YOU JUST GOT KNIFED IN THE LEG.
Jamie McCrimmon: Butcher Hunter.
Ah yes, the infamous "your just desserts" scene. *sigh*
"Jamie..."
"After you, Doctor."
"Oh no, after YOU, Jamie!"
Say it with me: gaaaay marriiiiied in spaaaaaace...
And the Doctors part company with insults. I should've expected as much, though.
You know, I'm kinda disappointed that this story did so little with the two Doctors actually working together. It was mostly rescuing Two.
"After you."
"No, after you."
"No. After YOU."
Say it with me: reeeegular marriiiiied in spaaaaace.
And the moral of the story is: "From now on, it's a healthy, vegetarian diet. For BOTH of us." Thank you, Robert Holmes.
Next: Timelash