The Claws of Axos
Previous: The Mind of Evil
The Claws of Axos
GHHHHAHHH. Hello giant space slug with Flailing Spaghetti Monster inside please go away and leave us alone. (Seriously that ship is gross.)
I'm waaaay more impressed with the way the Brig leans on that file cabinet than I really have any right to.
"What about this Doctor? I gather he's not a British subject, but then WHO is he and WHERE does he come from?!?" That door, apparently.
Wait a second who's this American guy trying to be Errol Flynn for Jo. That...made no sense.
I can only assume Three's cabin fever is the cause of his hissy fits and current wardrobe choice (shiny purple on maroon velvet? Really?)
Errol Flynn Guy standing up to Angry Glasses Guy is actually doing a halfway decent job of getting me to ignore the former's iffy accent.
And that mysterious rapid-fire noise in the background was coming from...where?
Hang on, mysterious tramp spluttering around on a bicycle...PIGBIN JOSH! We meet at last.
"Shoot first and think afterwards, is that it?" I was wondering when Three was going to say something like that.
Woah. I think there's a bit of a difference between "sudden snowstorms" and INSTANT SNOW EVERYWHERE.
Okay...does Pigbin Josh's theme sound a little like The Itsy Bitsy Spider to anyone else?
Yikes. Falling headlong into a pond in the middle of winter? Forget instant snow, this calls for instant pneumonia.
You know what, I'm just going to come out and say it: that ship is way too vaginal and probably scarred a lot of boys for life. #wtfhannah
Ah yes, and here goes Three into his "I'm just going to stand here talking and be better than you" mode.
"Jo...I'm sorry, not this time." On the contrary, Three, yes EVERY time.
Oh. Well maybe that wasn't Pigbin Josh if his face just...collapsed in on itself...ew...
Wow. Say what you want about Classic Who's budget problems, but for some reason I REALLY love that random eye in the wall.
That awkward moment when the InfoText of a Jon Pertwee serial solves the mystery of a J-Lo lyric that you couldn't quite make out.
Wait a sec, there's about a dozen UNIT soldiers surrounding Axos and yet Jo STILL got inside with no resistance at all? ...Well okay then.
Ah, hello Master, I was wondering where you'd got off to.
("This is, says the script, 'the ad-man's dream Coca-Cola family.'") OR IT COULD BE DUDES IN LATEX AND GOLD HEADS. HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE.
Ah. That's how it makes sense.
Well, the Axons seem harmless enough, although Three's catching their plotholes like flies which seems to imply The Contrary.
Awwww, froggie!
"This is, I presume, one of your food animals." Actually, it's a toad. #mybad #andyourstoo
Jo, I must admit, that's the most strangled-sounding scream I've ever heard from a companion in a cliffhanger.
The Axons are calling Jo on hallucination. I think I know exactly where this is going.
Also, I can't tell if the Axons are supposed to be wearing skin suits or if that's just shoddy costuming.
Somehow I think Jo's retort would've worked better if the autofocus had gotten its act together faster.
"That ganglion on the wall behind you - see it?" Oh, you mean that bundle of garden hose? Yeah, I see it.
Not sure how it took me so long to realize that Mr. Chinn was probably named such because of that gigantic second chin. Seriously.
I'm also becoming increasingly convinced that he represents some sort of political allegory, but I can't think of any events to link it to.
In any other circumstance I'd be pretty iffy about the Brig pointing a gun at a government official, but...this situation calls for it.
On a completely unrelated note, glad to see Three's back in something more stylish. I love red and white on black.
On the other hand, it would be a little nice if he'd focus more on the all-of-UNIT-just-got-arrested thing and less on the Axonite mystery.
Speaking of which, ALL OF UNIT JUST GOT ARRESTED.
Poor Pigbin Josh, all crumbled away (turns out that was him, since he was named in the credits.)
The scientist in the brown coat seems to know something about FTL travel, since his lightspeed meter goes about 4x past the speed of light.
Cue Three going into "aww, you little humans are trying to discover time travel, that's so cute" mode.
Apparently one of this story's working titles was "The Vampire From Space." (Or, State of Decay, if you will.)
I keep hearing from fandom that the Axons are a vampiric race, but I haven't really seen any evidence of that so far...
So according to the InfoText, the real naughty symbols I should be seeing in this serial are the eyestalks. (Thank you, crew.)
He's climbin' out your Axos, 'n shootin' your soldiers up... #hideyourdoctors #hideyourjos #cosheszappinerrebodyouthere
And Files makes a last-second escape! Let's hope he survives long enough to find Jo again.
Meanwhile, the Master is now James Bond.
Whoops, it's not "Files," it's "Filer." And I have an unfortunate feeling that it's the fake one that just found Three.
"OUT OF THE WAY, DOC!" AND THEN HE GOT HIS ACTUAL ERROL FLYNN MOMENT. Although it must be pretty freaky, shooting your other self.
Well, that made quick work of fake!Filer. Quick...bubbly work.
Put the Axonite in the particle accelerator because it's time to DO SCIENCE TO IT! Also, the dial goes up to 6x the speed of light. Wow.
Oh don't mind the guy on the floor, he's just trying to get out of that sheet. Those giant tentacle monsters, on the other hand...
On a completely unrelated note, I love that "Action by Havoc" is an actual credit on this show.
So, again, can we just call these things Walking Spaghetti Monsters? Filer has been touched by their noodley appendage.
Oh wait, never mind, they're the Axons wearing...big...red...noodle suits. ...Well okay then.
Put that gun away, can't you see the Brig's on the phone?
I would make an "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going" joke, but I'm not going to. (Besides, it just writes itself.)
So, why exactly are the Axons communicating with Three and Jo through a '70s music video?
Actually I can still see the Axon's original image as a perfectly decent concept for benevolent aliens. Shame they had to have rotten cores.
Oh cool, the Ministry of Defense has Skype!
Poor Filer, trying to yell plot details in his sleep...
GEE, I SURE HOPE THAT MYSTERIOUS UNIT OFFICIAL WITH HIS FACE HIDDEN ISN'T THE MASTER BECAUSE *THAT* WOULD BE *BAD.*
WELL GOLLY GEE WILIKERS BATMAN, IT IS THE MASTER!
And then everyone had a fuchsia seizure.
And then everyone had a green seizure.
Sorry Canada, you only get one unit of Axonite.
Have fun with the Axonite kthxbai.
I'm sorry Filer, I love you but your accent is...really...really...not holding up very well.
You know you're the Brig when a simple walk to an office is interrupted by wait-a-sec-why-does-that-man-have-golden-tentacles-on-his-head.
I'm seeing the spaghetti Axon walking across that bridge and all I can think is "I MUST SLOW-JOG BACK TO MY PEOPLE!"
"I will shoot at him!" said the UNIT grunt who WAS THEN EXPLODED IN A BIG BALL OF FIRE OH MY GOD.
Alrighty, the Brig has his Benton and his Yates, time to kick some Axon tail...er...tentacle.
"It's like trying to fly a second-hand gas stove!" Hey Master, I'll save you the trouble: this will not work.
Also, you appear to be color-blind as well because you seem to have not noticed the trio of green figures that have now surrounded you.
I'm honestly wondering if Yates' current pose has any actual strategic value or if he's just like that to look badass.
And then the Master tossed him his laser gun so Benton can cuff him. This day is looking up for UNIT!
On the other hand, the Master just had an excellent opportunity to test his grand-scale hostage plan for Logopolis, and he took it.
(Okay, so he wasn't holding the universe hostage, but everyone's got to start somewhere.)
Roger Delgado, I really like your face.
Three makes his escape! Although I have to admit, that's a pretty comfy-looking hostage chair.
And the male fandom rejoiced at a full four seconds of Jo Grant's knickers.
Wow. I think that's the first time in the show that the Doctor has ever hit one of his companions, even as a snap-out-of-it gesture.
I know they've said that regeneration is supposed to feel like a bad LSD trip, but this sequence doesn't seem to far off either. #the70s
"My dear Brigadier, I promised to help you, not sort out ALL your problems!" Not if the Brig has anything to say about it...
I love how the earlier Master's presence could feel a lot more casual than Simm. Like here he's just chilling on the railing with the Brig.
Wait...okay, I think the only way Hardiman could've gone off the railing like that is if he'd somersaulted backwards on a trampoline.
Hah, Master tries to make his escape but then Three's like "s'up?" and the Master's like "okay fine geez."
And now it's time for UNIT Home Movies, with Mike Yates. Today's episode: Filming Vampiric Monstrosities From Space.
The piercing look of "HAH, I WIN" the Brig is throwing at Chinn in this scene is excellent. The chicken leg just makes everything better.
So of COURSE it isn't until Filer says he's from the NYPD that he starts to sound a little like a New Yorker.
Yikes. I honestly can't tell if Three is just bluffing to butter the Master up or if he's actually that desperate to leave Earth.
Somehow, I don't think dematerialization theory will be enough to get you off Earth. I think you need ACTUAL knowledge of dematerialization.
Huh. Looks like if you went through those doors, you'd walk right into a Troughton serial. SEE IF IT'S ONE OF THE LOST EPISODES.
Benton and Yates vs. Spaghetti Axons. Round One FIGHT!
UNIT Chaps WIN. FIREBALL-TALITY.
...oh snap, Three's actually serious about leaving. "Goodbye, Jo. I shall miss you."
Waaaaaaaaaaait a sec...now we finally come to The Reveal.
That...doesn't seem to make things much better, actually. We've got about 8 minutes to wrap everything up...
Ah, now THAT'S more like it: when in doubt, throw it into a time loop.
Looks like the besieged UNIT folks are going to be just fine after all, thanks to the Spaghetti Axons conveniently vanishing into thin air.
Axons, humping the Doctor isn't going to solve your problems either.
On the other hand, Three hiding from a particle-accelerator-induced explosion in the TARDIS will probably keep him from getting blown up.
Sure guys, run back to the wreckage of a power plant RIGHT after it explodes. I'm sure that's not dangerous at ALL.
"Well it's perfectly simple, Brigadier: a time loop is its...erm...well it's ermweirew...it's a time loop!"
Actually, I think the real question here is, why are you having this conversation in a burned-out office? Couldn't you go somewhere...safer?
Or at least nicer? And...you know...not missing an entire wall?
"It seems that I'm some kind of a galactic yo-yo!" Have fun with that, Three. We'll just sit here and watch you spin your hands around.
Next: Colony in Space